7-1-03 Amelia & her Boy Toy Chap. 2

[Vikingboy]

Hey all,

I'd like constructive criticism on the following story that I posted the other day. In particular, how do I extend it beyond where it is to include believabgle (well mostly believable) bi-sex play between the Teacher & Alex.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=98246

Thanks in advance,

vikingboy

 

[Chicklet]

Hi there! Your story was pretty good- a bit short, a bit rough, but with a tad bit of work I think it would be great. I would suggest you resubmit it with a few changes before going on to the next chapter, just to see if you can't get yourself a few more readers. There's such posibility for a hot story in there - just a wee bit of elaboration is necessary for your sex scenes to be really arousing.

Okay, so starting at the beginning, the story seemed a little bit choppy.

Friday seemed to drag by. It was once of my worst days ever of teaching. I found myself utterly distracted from my classes. I lectured and discussed, but if you asked me what we did in my classes, I have to say that I don't recall anything at all.

All through the story this happens, the choppiness sort of distracting. It's like, if you were reading it, it would be very short and to the point. IMHO this style has it's places, but through a whole story it usually gets pretty distracting. I would suggest trying to blend some of the sentances together, using words to make it easier to read:

Friday seemed to be one of the worst teaching days I'd ever experienced, time seemed to just drag by. My mind was wandering and I was totally distracted from my classes; I lectured and discussed as usual, but if anyone asked me what we did in class...etc etc etc...

"Strange", I thought...

Here you have the comma in the wrong place. It should be:

"Strange," I thought...

I don't remember what grade I was in when a teacher gave me a rule about writing numbers. She told me that any number under ten you should write out. T-E-N. Anything over, you could show numerically. 11.

The next four classes dragged by.

So, according to the rule that one of my teachers may have made up, this is good. Hurah! But, then, a couple more paragraphs down, you say:

There were 3 rehearsal rooms/dressing rooms and one had a door ajar.

3 should be three. One is okay.

"Oh god, yes, there...." I stopped and tried to figure out what to do: leave, stay and listen, or interrupt. I couldn't do the first, because the next whisper was "Yes, on my clit, Alex, right on it."

Three things about this. The first, and what I think is most important, the paragraph that contains this little bit is too long. This section right here could be its own paragraph, and ought to be. If I were you I would try to keep most paragraphs shorter than this one is currently (for reference I think it's the 5th paragraph) because they're easier to read online.

Secondly, the ... - I don't remember who mentioned this to me, but in speech we hardly ever say "..." - I would change it to a comma, or something like it.

Thirdly and lastly, I don't see why he "couldn't" do the first. It made me look twice, because I was expecting a real, physical reason for him to be unable to turn away. The effect I think your character is feeling here would be more like:

I found myself unable to do the first...

In the same paragraph you describe sex acts going on. It's like play by play info, though...suitable for football, but a little boring for erotica. If you wanted to make this little scene truly intoxicating, you could go back and elaborate on a couple of the positions, lickings, whatever.

When I came to, it was 7:15. I had time to grab a quick sandwich, shower, and get somewhat prepared.

Naming the exact time seems almost clinical to me. I think that if you elaborated your words, made it seem more personal, it might give your story a nice touch.

Once I awoke, I glanced at the clock and was shocked to realize I barely had time to make myself a sandwich before my guests would arrive.

Something like that. See what I did there? Instead of naming the time, I named the action that you used in the next sentance.

Okay, 9th paragraph, another example of a paragraph that seems too long. What you're doing is not cutting to a new paragraph when dialogue starts. Now, I know it's not necessary for every occasion, but I think when you're doing it it *should* be a new paragraph. If for no other reason, then for easy readability.

A couple more things, tiny details - places you don't capitalize Amelia's name (I can dig you not capitalizing the subs name, but in some places you do, some places you don't...consistancy, man! consistancy...) A couple places that need commas. Nothing that another once-over wouldn't be able to fix - I'm sure you could tell and fix it up if you want to.

Alright, that's about all I have to say about that =) Thanks for submitting your story, and I hope I helped a little bit.

-Chicklet

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Viking boy,

Adding to chicklet’s excellent advice, I agree you need to expand on a few of the scenes.

Sick little bunnies like me want all the juicy details, not just – ‘ She ordered him …’, ‘ She berated him..’, ‘she told him..’ I think fuller descriptions and dialog would really have this story sizzling off the screen. It’s what people in here are always saying, “show, don’t tell”. Show me everything Vb! I want it all.

A few sentences read oddly to me, but maybe it was just me.

I couldn't stop myself from stroking it at the sight of my slut, Amelia, domming this beautiful boy she had promised to bring to me.

When I fished my cock out and started to stroke it, the noise must have been barely audible.

This read oddly because you are stroking then in the next paragraph you are fishing it out, (Oh boy I love that image by the way ) and it just didn’t seem to flow.

She told him to be at The King's Court Apartments at 8 PM to be taught better.

She told him to be at The King's Court Apartments at eight pm for another lesson/ to be taught some manners, 'taught better' sounds funny to me. Is it just me?

And he was as hard as rock.

And he was rock hard.

They fairly reeked of her arousal.

Drop ‘fairly’ I think. Fairly feels kind of weak against the stronger word - reeked, doesn't it?

She was first shocked, then she smiled and mouthed, "Hi, Teacher" I stroked my cock and she grabbed his head and pulled him in tighter, whispering deep in her throat, "yes, make me cum again, Alex!"

Vb, let me tell you there were teeth marks on my knuckles as I read this, only I think it really needs to be two or even three sentences. Certainly a stop after “Hi, Teacher.” Maybe a short – I stroked my cock – then another new sentence. It’s kind of interesting to mix them up. You know short ones, long ones… sentences that is.

And one more thing, people in here who know a lot more about it than me say "never use brackets as it tends to break the flow of suspended believe”, so avoid using them. Ok?

Hold on, a second one more thing. You may want to re-word your blurb. I read it and thought "Duh! Of course it's a continuation, it's chapter two."

Overall, regardless of a few minor hiccups, I’m really enjoyed this hot little story of yours. I’m looking forward to reading the next chapters, and hopefully soon!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).