7-1-02 Bunnyblondegirl

[KillerMuffin]

Brand new author and brand new to the boards, Bunnyblondegirl is up next. I hope I'm spelling her name correctly.

For SDC purists, she did participate.

Hi all, I am fairly new to Literotica, however, I have a pretty tough skin, and I would like to offer up my story for disection.

Please feel free to trash it, because I could really use the help to make my stories more beliveable, and erotic.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51672.

The Anniversary Gift

Some things to think about:

1. Tagging speech, what's the best way to do it? Use examples if you can.

3. Dialogue, specifically external dialogue. Is it effective, believable, or otherwise? Any tips, hints or suggestions? Exactly how important is believable dialogue?

5. Soliliquies. How much should the character say out loud vs. how much should be internalized? What's more effective?

 

[Street0]

The drive only took a few minutes, and then they were at The most exclusive hotel in the area.

You should capitalise all the words that you are emphasizing so that it's "The Most Exclusive Hotel in the Area". There is also no need to deflate "The Most Exclusive" with "in the Area". It doesn't work as comic understatement, but it does reduce the impact of the sentence.

Matt had to swallow a grin, 'If she only knew!'
Jordan smiled, "He didn't forget!"

There is little wrong in presenting thoughts this way, but you may want to use the same kind of quotes in both cases.

"Oh; please Reece; eat my pussy!

Traditional commae would work quite well in this sentence (exclamation, beginning, address, ending; oh, please, Reece, eat my pussy). The second comma can be skipped if it breaks the rhythm of the sentence.

Finally, you may want to cut down on the amount of exclamation marks and shouting that go on in your writing. Letting the reader do your work for you is better in this case.

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi BBG,

It's an enthusiastic little story; gritty in parts, pulls no punches.
Has an uninhibited feel to it. The author has a wonderful gift for
'talking dirty." You've got good concepts, very horny ones, indeed. The story could be improved in several ways; I'll omit punctuation and spelling issues.

Looking at two passages, below. The talk, for all its four letter words has a stilted quality, as in Reece's first reply [#].Likewise
Matt's direction to Reece [##] "eat that smooth pussy". There's a bit too much detail, imo, to be natural. In fact it seems the words are there to incite the reader. Jordans exclamation [### ...Oh please, Reece, eat my pussy] seems kind of 'stock', kind of like a line from a B movie.

In the second passage, again things seem very talky in a kind of "First we do A, then B, then C" way. At [$] Matt's direction, "...soon.... I want you to start sucking Reece."

The passage also exhibits 'overwriting' as in 'warm wet confines of her willing mouth.'

My opinion: listen to speech and its incompleteness, failure to specify. People aren't usually like a coach giving a plan of play to a team, of TV cooks giving directions for a souffle. Steps are left out. Sex groups improvise. The narrator too, seems to describe each turn, pivot, step.

Eliminate a great many of the adjectives, especially the common porn ones. As for instance, here:
"...as her husbands limp cock fell out of her abused ass hole. When she stood up, a river of cum leaked from her puffy pussy lips...."

If I may say, treat your readers as more imaginative. I felt like a child hearing a story that's done up like this: "And then the giant, hairy ogre went tromping loudly to his filthy lair. Jack felt so small and terrified, he hid behind an enormous black rock, in the inky-black shadows. He saw the ogre's enormous gaping mouth, with its seeming hundreds of razor sharp teeth, and the vile, snake-like tongue that licked viciously at his jagged, bloodstained lips. Jack's tiny frail body shook helplessly in utter terror."

The author, seems to be working overly hard for a particular effect. In the example, to scare; in the story of yours, to arouse.

Given your energy and nasty imagination, more writing with feedback and editing will help curb the indulgent impulses. Keep it up!

Jack.

==========

[passage 1]
"Oh my, Reece, that feels wonderful!" Jordan gasped.

[#]"If you like that, wait till I start munching on that wet snatch of yours." Reece replied as he pushed her thighs apart, and dipped his head.

He inhaled her scent deeply, "You smell so damn good. I can't wait to taste you!"

Matt was still jerking on his swollen member; slowly as to not bring himself to orgasm yet. [##]"Yeah, Reece, eat that smooth pussy!"

Reece led Jordan to the plush sofa and helped her sit down and get comfortable. [snipped] . His tonguing was driving Jordan insane with lust.

[###]"Oh; please Reece; eat my pussy! I can't take it anymore!" Jordan pleaded in breathless little gasps.

"Patience pretty one, patience!" Reese told her, as he resumed his torture.

[end 1]
========
[passage 2]
"Oh, God, baby, that feels divine."

Jordan felt her husband's dick getting hard; she couldn't wait to feel him in her soaked hole. "Matt I want you to fuck me!"

[$]"Soon Jordan, soon, right now, though, I want you to start sucking off Reece!"

Jordan loved it when Matt told her what to do. She pivoted on her heels and swallowed Reece's cock in one huge slurp.

"Fuck playing around!" She said when she had released him from the warm, wet confines of her willing mouth, and then she swallowed him down again.

Reece's head was spinning with the pleasurable sensations this little hottie was causing. He could feel his load rising to the mushroom head of his cock.

Matt stood up behind his wife, and raised her hips. Jordan straitened her knees, and gave him a view of her wet pussy, and asshole. [end 2]

 

[Ray Dario]

BunnyBlondeGirl,

This was a nice little sex romp story. No real plot, not much character building but still a nice whack story.

Your writing is good, not very many technical problems that just leaped out at me. There were some points where the descriptions were, maybe, just a little overdone but not bad. Overall it was good for what it was.

Now on to your questions.

1. Tagging speech, what's the best way to do it? Use examples if you can.

I felt like you used to many dialog tags. Words like "said", "replied", "asked"

"Rub you clit!" He commanded his wife, "I want you to cum with me!"

...

"Stop!" Matt commanded her. "I want you to fuck us both."

"What do you mean?" She asked.


How about something like

"Rub your clit!" Matt gave her a lusty grin. "I want you to cum with me!"

...

"Stop! I want you to fuck us both."

Jordan looked up at him "What do you mean?"


This passage also had the other problem I found with your story. Repitition. In this short space you repeated the word "Commanded" It is too uncommon a word to be used multiple times close together. By taking out the tags you solve both problems. Since at this point in the story Reece is not an active talker you only have two in the dialog and it's not at all hard for the reader to know who is talking. That is why I would leave the tags off.

3. Dialogue, specifically external dialogue. Is it effective, believable, or otherwise? Any tips, hints or suggestions? Exactly how important is believable dialogue?

The external dialogue was a little stilted, sometimes too formal, other times giving too much information. A good excercise if you wanting to learn to write dialog is to go to the mall and listen to people talking. It's also a good place to pick up on different speech patterns and voices.

5. Soliliquies. How much should the character say out loud vs. how much should be internalized? What's more effective?

The character should only say outloud the things the character would actually say outloud. You can have them think the thoughts they would think. NEVER try to give the reader information through dialog or thoughts that are unnatural. It just detracts from the story.

In this regard watch out for phrases like "As you know, John, ..."

If John knew and the speaker knew he knew then why would the speaker tell him? It isn't a clever way of giving information to the reader, it's just a bad writing habit. BTW I didn't pick up on any of that in your story, but you did ask the question.


Hope this helps in some way.

Ray

 

[bridgeburner]

Feedback for Bunnyblondgirl - The Anniversary

Let me begin by saying that if this post isn't magnificently helpful, the one my computer ate when it crashed <i>was</i> and you should judge me accordingly. ;->

Now that I'm done stroking my own.....er.....ego....on to business. Nice way to spend an anniversary! I thought you had a good idea of the relationship between the husband and wife. Don't be afraid to expand on that and delve into it a bit. If you wanted to distance the reader you'd be writing about anonymous people, not a loving couple with a clear history and relationship.

Ray already mentioned this, but I think it's important enough to reiterate: you could show more and tell less with some fairly small changes. He pointed to the dialogue descriptors in particular and I have to agree. Make use of those descriptors to say something other than "He said/She said". It's possible to attribute dialogue without ever saying who said it. For example

<i>Mary read over John's shoulder while re-filling his cup. "Oh, I see we're at war with Canada, again."</i>

It's clear who's talking because you've established a point of view even though there's no "she said".

Listening to people talking is great exercise in general. I'd go a step further and say read your dialogue aloud once you get it down. Things that sound fine in your head often sound really unnatural once you hear them aloud. A lot of this stiffness can be eased by contracting verbs.

<font color=blue><i>Jordan stood up, "Well, I am going to get cleaned up."

"Oh no, babe; you are staying right here." Matt told her, "We are not done with you yet!" </i></font>

Compared to:

<font color=blue><i>Jordan stood up, "Well, I'm going to get cleaned up."

"Oh no, babe; you're staying right here." <font color=green>Matt grinned</font>, "We're not done with you yet!" </i></font>

I contracted the verbs and changed the descriptor. It gives a much more natural feel to the dialogue and it brings us closer to the character. He's not just talking, we can see him grinning at his wife.

Before I finish on dialogue let me specifically answer the questions you posed.

<b>Re: Tagging speech</b>

I think this has been pretty well covered. You strengthen your writing by making your actions double as tags and making your tags double as actions. He told, she said, I asked etc. should be used very sparingly. They create a distance between the reader and the action and too liberal use disrupts the flow.


<b>Exactly how important is believable dialogue?</b>

I think that's the only part of this particular question that I didn't already address. I'm not stretching the truth even a little bit when I say that your dialogue can make or break your story. If your people talk they'd better talk realistically or you're sunk. This can be an especially difficult challenge when writing sexually explicit material because there's a lot of leeway in what is considered "realistic". You've got a pretty good handle on the nasty bits. They're important and talking dirty is a widely appreciated skill. It's important to get ALL the dialogue right, though.

<b>Soliliquies. How much should the character say out loud vs. how much should be internalized? What's more effective?</b>

It depends on the action of the story to a large degree. It depends on whether there's anyone in the room for the character to be talking to. Some characters aren't the kind to speak aloud to themselves. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules about how much spoken dialogue there should be versus how much internal thought processes there should be. What is more effective is whichever one you're better at writing. Specifically I think maybe Jordan could have talked a bit less aloud while she was masturbating. She wasn't talking to herself. She was talking to an audience who wasn't there. The things she said were to turn the reader on, not Jordan. That might be getting somebody off, but it might just as easily be pulling them out of the story.


Just some random stuff - be careful about getting too precise describing actions. People do a lot of stuff effortlessly that if we had to stop and think about we'd find incredibly awkward

<font color=blue><i>Reaching her hand that was not busy into the drawer beside the bed, she grabbed her favorite jelly dildo.</i></font>

Ever use Mapquest for directions? Ever wonder why on earth they find it necessary to spend ten minutes telling you how to pull your car out of the driveway?

<i>Never missing a stroke she reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out her jelly dildo</i>

We know she's not grabbing for the dildo with the hand that's twiddling the bean so just leave it out unless you want to draw attention to what each of her limbs is doing simultaneously and have us focus on that instead.

I have a personal peeve about specifying bra-cup size. I find it weird. 300,000 million women wear 36-Cs and no two of them have identical pairs of tits. Specifying bra size gives detail without description. Tell me how they fit her husband's hand. Tell me what color her nipples are, whether they point up or down, how she likes them touched. Those things are sexy.

I didn't notice any major grammar problems, but it might help to look over comma rules or have someone you trust do the copy-editing for you. A second pair of eyes will often catch spelling mistakes and typos and incorrect usage of your/you're when the author has read the piece too many times to really see it anymore.


I hope this helps you out. Keep up the good work!

b

 

[Quint]

Hi, Bunny.

I'm going to dissect the opening sequence. You may want to cover your eyes. o)


"Guess what today is, honey." Jordan said as she sailed into the dining room; chestnut ponytail bouncing. ((The period after "honey" should be a comma. The semicolon after "room" should be a comma. I enjoy the nonstandard verb "sailed" and the ponytail fits what I already know of her personality perfectly.))

Matt looked at his exceptionally beautiful, albeit, a little too perky, wife over his coffee cup. ((Little too much detail on the "exceptionally beautiful" thing. General rule of writing: eliminate words like "nice, beautiful, good," and a plethora of ones that I forget at the moment. WHY is she beautiful? What does he find so irresistable about her? Those are much more interesting and personalized than the overdone, generic term "beautiful." Also, get rid of the comma after "albeit."))

"What?" He gave her a blank stare.

"You forgot?"

In an instant Jordan went from perky to pissed; her green eyes flashed fire.

"I can't believe you FORGOT!" ((Unsure that the past three paragraphs, from "You forgot?" to here, need to be separated. It's fine as is, but short lines like this are not terribly pleasant to read in sequence, so you may want to consider grouping similar thoughts and dialogue by one person into one paragraph. Also, most reader prefer no caps, because it should be (and is, in this case) very obvious which lines and words the speaker would emphasize with a yell.))

"Hun, now calm down. I am sure that it is not that important." Matt flashed his irate wife a smile. "Now, what is it that I seem to have forgotten?" ((This reads a little too stilted. I'd change "I am sure that it is not that important" to "I'm sure it's not that important," just because that's how people talk. Same thing with the next spoken line.))

"NOT IMPORTANT?" She spat, "You know what, your right. It's so unimportant, that I don't think that you need to know at all." Jordan looked defeated. "What's the use?" ((Although I love the vivid verb "spat," it just doesn't sound right in this case. "Your" in the second sentence needs to be "you're." The comma in the third sentence is unnecessary. The transition from a spitting-mad female to a defeated female is a little too hasty; build up to it more.))

"Well, dear, I have to go to work now," Matt stood and pecked his wife on the cheek. "I hope you have a good day. By the way, what's for dinner?"

"Ooooh, you ASSHOLE, not a Goddamn thing!" Jordan began cleaning the breakfast dishes off the table. ((Again, the transition is nonexistant. She was defeated and now she's screaming at him? And after screaming at her lowlife husband, she cleans the table? I hardly think so!))

Does this help? If I have time, I will do the same to the next sequence of events. I enjoy your fresh approach; all I believe you need is to spend more time on the editing the roughshod areas. An excellent start!

 

[ronde]

I am a little late in posting this critique, and most of my comments have been stated eloquently in other posts, so I'll try not to repeat.

The story was pretty visual and I enjoyed finding several words and phrases that many authors don't use. I really liked the alliteration "...from perky to pissed," and the following "her green eyes flashed fire" is a great visual.

If dialogue exists in writing, it becomes a critical method by which the reader understands the scene and mood, and therefore must be well written and believable. Dialogue that is ripe with adjectives is great as long as it sounds like "normal" speech. Normal will vary depending upon the era and speaker, but should never appear be written for the sake of cramming in as much description as possible. People seldom talk in this manner.

Your dialogue is mostly well done, although I question if some of it would ever really be spoken. The undercurrent of D/S between Matt and Jordan may make it more believable, but this is a realm out of my field of knowledge. I just can't imagine myself saying "Stick that big ass dick of yours in her cunt!", or having the presence of mind to qualify the qualities of her pussy as did Matt when he said "Yeah, Reece, eat that smooth pussy!". Then again, my inability to do several things at the same time means that I don't talk much during sex, so maybe that's just my little problem.

Some of the dialogue reads a little stiff. People usually contract verbs, so I seldom hear things like -

"Hun, now calm down. I am sure that it is not that important."

He would probably have said -

"Hun, now calm down. I'm sure it's not that important."

Your "tags" are usually OK, but they get a little lost in some of the punctuation. This sentence -

"Oh; please Reece; eat my pussy! I can't take it anymore!" Jordan pleaded in breathless little gasps. -

gets a little confusing because of all the semicolons. Semicolons are normally used to separate two complete, related sentences. I would have used commas instead, and I would have moved the tag.

"Oh, please," pleaded Jordan in breathless little gasps. "Please Reece. Eat my pussy."

The original writing makes me re-read the lines after I finds out the type of speech the tag describes. In the re-write, the reader knows how she sounds before he reads her dialogue. I think this gives the reader the ability to "hear" the speech you intended to describe, and allows the dialogue to flow a little more smoothly.

In many cases, you use dialogue without tags, and it reads fine. In general, I prefer to use tags to inform the reader of a change in voice or mood. It is usually not necessary to use "he said, he asked, etc. if you direct the dialogue internally. "Well, I take it you liked your little surprise?" He asked her. , is somewhat redundant because the question mark already indicates that he asked a question.

The amount of external and internal dialogue depends on the personality of the character. Some of my characters seem to think a lot and say very little, but we all know someone who gives voice to every thought. The amount of spoken dialogue can, in fact, be used to define the character. An introvert probably won't say much for others to hear, but will have many thoughts. The tall, buxom exotic dancer may be the opposite.

A few things did bother me about this story, because they didn't seem to read well.

The current vernacular in which "the" is added to a description to indicate something of a superlative nature is perfectly acceptable in dialogue, but I don't think it belongs in narration. There are a couple of instances of this in your story, and I would rather have seen them spoken by a character.

Inside there was THE most risqué dress she had ever seen.
"OH MY GOD!" She couldn't help but grin.

I would have written this as -

"Oh, my God. This is the most risque dress I've ever seen." She couldn't help but grin.

I find the use of all-caps to indicate expression a bit "chatroomish". Perhaps this is to be a new trend in writing, but I find it distracting. Exclamation points or tags can be used to denote the same thing and the words don't leap off the screen and slap you in the face.

Watch your spell checker for correctly spelled, but incorrectly used words. It's easy to miss the "r" key, and the spell checker won't find the error.

"Rub you clit!"

I also got a chuckle out of this line -

Reece put his arms around her and pulled her tight against his viral body.

Now, exactly which virus does Reece have? We really need to know. If he has mumps, this tells me that he has really pudgy jowls. If it's only a cold, his nose is probably running, but I'd bet there's someone out there who would pop his cork at the thought of all that mucus.

One last thought. Maybe the D/S undertone was supposed to explain Matt's actions, but the anal scene reads like rape to me. He tells her what he's going to do, and she says "No". He continues in spite of her objections. I'm sure you meant her to either have said no when she meant yes, or wanted to show that she became so excited that she actually did want Matt in this way, but a little slower progression and some dialoge on her part would have helped.

This story was OK for it's apparent design, and I think your next effort will be much better. It's difficult, at first, to separate thought, dialogue and narration into readable form, and , at least in my case, the excitement of writing that first piece overshadowed about everything else. I like your use of words like sailed, bouncing and confines instead of more bland words, and "suckle" conjures up a much more erotic picture than "suck".

Oh, one last, last thought, and a partial disagreement with Quint. If I had forgotten my fifth anniversary, the little fireball with whom I live would, indeed, have screamed at me and then cleared the dishes. Now, the clearing would have meant a broom and dust pan, but she still, in a technical sense, would have cleared the table.

Happy writing.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Bunnygirlblonde,

Being a newbie, you might not appreciate just how good the critiques of your story have been. Every one of them was, IMHO, first-rate. But now that you’ve had the best, you must brace yourself for the rest.

One thing to remember about critiques is that they are strictly the opinions of fellow writers. Just because someone, even an experienced writer/editor, mentions something in a critique doesn’t mean it's a chiseled-in-stone, unbreaking rule. What everyone here is giving you is advice. Only you, the author, can decide if and how it should be used.

Here’s one case in point. A couple of the critiques seemed to prefer informative dialogue tags (he grumbled, she shouted, he challenged, she commanded, etc.) to prosaic, “he said” “she said.” In his book “On Writing” Stephen King suggests just the opposite. Neither technique is inherently right or wrong. What you must decide is which is most effective for your style of writing.

I liked the energy and brisk pace of your story. As the other critiques have pointed out, you’ve got a lot of technical issues to master, but that’s do-able. Here are a few things I picked up.

1. Learn to begin sentences without using a character’s name or: he, she, his, hers, they, theirs, etc. At one point in the second half of your story, I counted 25 straight, non-quotation, sentences starting in that manner. Here’s one paragraph that appeared in the middle of that run.

“Matt complied, and pushed his rock hard cock into her swollen pussy. Jordan gasped in pure pleasure. She took her time on Reese, licking the head of his dick, circling it with her tongue. She licked up and down the shaft; wrapped her small hand around as much of his huge member as she could. Jordan then rolled his hairy balls in her mouth, sucking one, and lightly squeezing the other. She moved her hand up and down on his dick, alternating her hand and her mouth.”

2. Be sure to keep you body movements consistent. At one point, “She knelt down in front of Matt and started to tease his limp cock back to life….” A few short paragraphs later, “She pivoted on her heels and swallowed Reece's cock in one huge slurp.”

Not having been there at the time, unfortunately, I can only assume that she was actually squatting on her heels instead of resting on her knees, or kneeling. This is a very minor point, but it’s the type of thing that can throw a reader out of the story and destroy the “suspension of disbelief” which is essential to all good story-telling.

3. This next item is neither minor, nor easy to learn. Point of view is a writing concept that baffles a lot of folks. IMHO, because you briefly tell what characters other that Jordan are thinking or feeling, your story is told in third person omniscient instead of third person limited (just Jordan’s inner thoughts and feelings) which would have, IMHO, worked better.

4. My last advice is to copy, keep, and re-read what the other posters have already written plus anything KillerMuffin might add. Then keep writing, posting, and also giving the rest of us your critiques when we come asking for advice.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Pearl_Prynne]

BunnyGirlBlonde --

I think your story illustrates the need for a new Literotica category: Loving Husbands, because this boy obviously knows how to please his woman!

I am not often fond of reading three-some stories. Usually there are too many legs, cocks, hands, mouths, and pussies that I can’t keep track of who’s sucking what or what’s fucking who. In contrast, your descriptions and dialogue did an excellent job of emphasizing the crucial interactions so that I always had a clear picture.

Here are a few more unrelated comments:

While her masturbation musings may not sound exactly like everyday speech, but they definitely illustrated her confident personality.

Whatever happened to the wig during the sex? From the initial description it sounded huge, like something that would get in the way or at least be acknowledged.

I know exactly what an “I-am-a-whore” smile looks and feels like!

The following sentence was confusing. “Matt took off the rest of his cloths; he was still wearing his shirt and tie, his pants around his ankles.” I’d combine the clauses to help establish order: “Matt removed his pants from around his ankles and then his shirt and tie.”

Overall, your story is a lot of fun. The characters are light-hearted, and I can tell you enjoyed writing it. Keep up the good work and congratulations on being brave enough to seek out suggestions!

-- Pearl_Prynne

 

[TheEarl]

Hey BBG. My two cents:

I read the story twice; once as just a reader and once as an author. I didn't notice anything wrong with the story on the first reading. It was well written although the dialogue was a bit cheesy at times. Plus, very few women can have anal sex with that little lubrication. It would have been a little more realistic if her husband had organised something like KY, although probably not as convenient.

A couple of things came up on the second reading:

1. Tagging speech, what's the best way to do it? Use examples if you can.

A couple of people have remarked on your overuse of words such as "said", "commanded", etc. I agree with this as these words should be used sparingly. At the very beginning of the story you do this well:

"What?" He gave her a blank stare.

"You forgot?"

In an instant Jordan went from perky to pissed; her green eyes flashed fire.

"I can't believe you FORGOT!"

"Hun, now calm down. I am sure that it is not that important." Matt flashed his irate wife a smile. "Now, what is it that I seem to have forgotten?"

This is excellent writing IMHO, especially the phrase "her green eyes flashed fire." Good sentence that.

Just after this, there is my first major quibble:

"NOT IMPORTANT?" She spat, "You know what, your right.

"She" should not be a capital letter. Although there is a question mark which is technically the end of a sentence, it is an incidental stop which is only there as part of the speech. If it was not a question, then it would have been a comma and that's what you have to treat it as. I also feel that it should be a full stop after "spat", rather than a comma. While paying attention to this, you needed "you're" rather than "your." It may be picky, but it disrupts the flow.

Jordan smiled, "He didn't forget!"

I don't think you can have a comma here. It's either a full stop (Jordan smiles, then speaks) or nothing (Jordan smiling as she speaks).



3. Dialogue, specifically external dialogue. Is it effective, believable, or otherwise? Any tips, hints or suggestions? Exactly how important is believable dialogue?

Dialogue was a bit cheesy (for Americans: cheesy dialogue is unbelievable, stilted, a bit plastic. See last scene of the Spiderman film for further details).

"Stick that big ass dick of yours in her cunt!"

Capital letters were a bit overused. IMHO Capitals say shouting and I think that can be done more elegantly. You didn't use them for shouting, but I'm sure you could have used something else to convey excitement or emphasis.

"OH MY GOD! Good bye plain ol' house wife. HELLO, Jordan Super Slut!"

"I look so HOT in this dress..."



5. Soliliquies. How much should the character say out loud vs. how much should be internalized? What's more effective?

I felt that Jordan spoke to herself too much. Don't be tempted to crowbar in dialogue just because your character's got no-one to talk to. If she's alone, then don't make her say anything.

"Oh!" She licked her finger. "Mmm, so salty and sweet, no wonder Matt loves to eat me out so much!"

"I think that it is toy time!"

"Mmm, so good!"

A little cheesy and a little forced. Just my opinion, but I think it'd sound a lot more real if internalised:

She licked her finger, marvelling at the contradicting tastes of sweet and salt. No wonder Matt loved to eat her out.

Admittedly reading over this it still sounds cheesy, but I wrote it off the cuff.


Overall the story was technically well written and genrally arousing. You've got the potential to become a very good author. Loved the touch of humour about the bloke missing the breast and some of your phrases and descriptive passages were top notch. IMHO you can improve by spending more time on how things feel, with a bit more description of senses. However that's just my opinion. I wait with bated breath for your next story, which hopefully you will post up on here.

The Earl

BTW. What happened to questions 2 and 4 KM?

 

[Whispersecret]

FYI...

I read in a how-to book once that a common mistake for beginning writers is to use words like smile, grin, frown, etc. for dialogue tags. It is physically impossible to smile/grin/frown words. Those actions just don't produce sound.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

WS,

"It is physically impossible to smile/grin/frown words. Those actions just don't produce sound."

At the risk of getting this thread even further off track, let me ask you about that "rule". I've heard it before (along with the one that says a character can't laugh and talk at the same time) and I understand its logic, but I'm not sure I totally agree.

If using that sort of tag tends to throw readers out of the story, then there's no question they should be avoided. But do they?

In "On Writing" Stephen King advises writers to just use "he said, she said" for tags since readers don't really notice them anyway. When I read a "he smiled, she frowned" I understand the character is speaking with that type of expression on their face. (Maybe a bad guy just said, "Smile when you say that pardner.")

Would using such "shorthand tags" run a greater risk of distracting readers than longer "grammatically correct" ones?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[curious2c]

Bunnygirlblonde

It has taken me a long time to get my two-cents worth in. (Work, travel, etc.)
Everthing I would have said here has been stated, spelling, word usage, (virile, not viral I think ), and the punctuation. I am not an english minor, definitely not an english major, so I probably would make or will make similar mistakes in the future. I have the same problem with exclamation points, so one person wrote to me on feedback and gave this advice: "...tape over that particular key, put in a sharp object so it causes pain to use it..." lol I remember that pertinent information everytime I am about to use 'that' key.
As to Ronde and the whole 'rape' thing. I believe, like Ronde pointed out, that you meant for it to be either reluctant with growing wantoness for it, or as a very light protest. A little more thoughts of the character injected here would have settled the 'no' issue.
As to Quint, My wife would have cleared the table by throwing everything on it at me as I ran from the room! (Ouch) Some people react in illogical ways when pissed off.
Overall, I liked the story, and would like to see/read more from you in the future.

 

[Whispersecret]

Sure, RP, I can usually deduce what people mean when they make mistakes. For example when someone writes, "After a six-month long abstinence from sex, I had an explosive organism when she rode me," I know that they meant orgasm. But that don't make it right.

If using those types of tags doesn't bother you, then you will enjoy more stories than I will, because I will always be a stickler for proper usage. When I read a story, I have a sort of internal mistake meter. When the needle gets too high, I back click, usually rolling my eyes. It may be unfair, but that's the way I'm wired. I'm sure it has something to do with my penchant for feeling superior, but there it is.

P.S. I agree with Mr. King. The plain-wrap "said" tags are almost invisible unless you have more of them than is necessary. For example, in children's books you'll see far more tags because children aren't as adept in keeping track of who is doing the talking. Adults can understand more subtle clues as to the identity of the speaker, and so writers can use fewer tags.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Whispersecret,

Thanks for the response. I understand and obey, but it still reminds me of the military's age-old insistence on the difference between a "gun" and a "rifle." (which I also understand)

As to: "After a six-month long abstinence from sex, I had an explosive organism when she rode me," I know that they meant orgasm. "

I've got a hunch that after a six month abstinence from sex, some folks around here might turn into an "exploding organism" if they didn't have an "orgasm" PDQ.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[TheEarl]

I think that using "smiled", "laughed", etc. as tags is quite acceptable as its everyday shorthand. You would be distracted from a story if the author kept using "do not" and "could not" instead of "don't" and "couldn't." It's more natural to say "he smiled" than "he said with a smile."

I regard "On Writing" as something of a bible, but I disagree over the use of "he said" tags as I find them anathema. It makes it sound like children's writing IMHO and I avoid whenever I can.

The Earl

 

[KillerMuffin]

Instead of saying:

"I'd like a little cheese with my whine," he grinned.

Say:

"I'd like a little cheese with my whine." He grinned.

To different statements. One implies that he grinned his words. The other is two separate actions. He said something, then he grinned about it.

 

[Whispersecret]

As to: "After a six-month long abstinence from sex, I had an explosive organism when she rode me," I know that they meant orgasm. "

I've got a hunch that after a six month abstinence from sex, some folks around here might turn into an "exploding organism" if they didn't have an "orgasm" PDQ.

Rumple Foreskin

LMAO.

It's more natural to say "he smiled" than "he said with a smile."

Earl, I think that we will continue to disagree. But I still must say that while it may seem more natural to you, it isn't correct. You will not see that type of tag in print published work. It's one of the things, like lumping backstory all at the front of a story, that can mark you as an amateur.

 

[Bunnygirlblonde]

Thank you!

I would like to applogize for my absence, not only have I been on vacation, but then my husband decided to blow up our computer. Sheesh.

Thank you all for taking the time to review my story, I knew that I needed help. Now, thanks to every one of you, I have a clearer veiw of how I should write. I have always had a problem with dialog. No matter how hard I try, it comes out stilted and forced. (or "Cheesy")

I have one other story posted on Lit. and I am currently working on another.

I do however have a couple of questions.

1. How can I be descriptive, yet not overly so?

2. How can I be less vague, and not too wordy?


I have written poetry for a long time, and it is completely different than short stories. In that type of writing, you can be discriptive, and wordy, and use all kinds of weird punctuation. (sometimes)

I would have like to reply to each one of you, but I have gotten here too late, and I am too new to figure it out. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Oh yeah, I have on other question, what does IMHO stand for?

Please forgive my ignorance.
Thank you all once again.

 

[Whispersecret]

IMHO = In my humble opinion.

It's not to late to reply to any of what's been said here.

 

[Bunnygirlblonde]

"NOT IMPORTANT?" She spat, "You know what, your right. It's so unimportant, that I don't think that you need to know at all." Jordan looked defeated. "What's the use?" ((Although I love the vivid verb "spat," it just doesn't sound right in this case. "Your" in the second sentence needs to be "you're." The comma in the third sentence is unnecessary. The transition from a spitting-mad female to a defeated female is a little too hasty; build up to it more.))
"Ooooh, you ASSHOLE, not a Goddamn thing!" Jordan began cleaning the breakfast dishes off the table. ((Again, the transition is nonexistant. She was defeated and now she's screaming at him? And after screaming at her lowlife husband, she cleans the table? I hardly think so!))

I would just like to explain this little segment of the story. I based this on how I act in an argument or fight with my husband. One minute I am completely P.O.'d the next I am sorry or sad, and once again angry, but then I am a little high strung sometimes. All it takes is a word, and I am So Mad, I could cry. Like many house wives that I know, when they are angry they clean.

I will try to be more clear when I do this kind of scene again. Thank you for your help.

 

[Bunnygirlblonde]

Thank you Whisper, for answering me. I am working on replying right now.

 

[Whispersecret]

On what Quint said, I have a couple of thoughts.

We're often tempted to use something in a story because we've seen it actually happen. However, even though people actually do things in real life doesn't mean it will come across as realistic when it appears in a story. You know the saying, "Life is stranger than fiction." It's true.

Now, as for your specific scene, I think it could still work, but you need to smooth out the transitions between the emotional changes. Perhaps one phrase or sentence is all it would take.

Here's what I suggest:

"Not important?" she spat. "You know what? You're right. It's so unimportant, that I don't think you need to know at all."

As usual, after her outburst, the anger seemed to drain away. Her shoulders slumped as she said, "Oh, what's the use?"

--No caps on the exclamation. It's not necessary.
--No capital on "She."
--Fixed "your" so it reads, "you're."
--I added a tiny explanation about her swift mood change.
--I changed "Jordan looked defeated," to a sentence that SHOWS her defeat, rather than just tells about it.

I hope this helps.