6-22-02 (almost) Pearl Prynne

[KillerMuffin]

A delightful new author with an intriguing name! Yes, she only did one, but we are desperately running out of stories to do. We're almost hard up to do one of mine.

But, we do have someone else a little more special this week:

Hi all! My first submission is up and I am so excited!

Title: Lucky Horse Shoes
Category: Erotic Coupling

I really appreciated the suggestions I got from my volunteer editor and would like some more. I have no trouble with honest feedback and have been very impressed with the level of professionalism and tact I've seen so far on this site. Literotica is one cool place! Here's my link

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=51274

I'd appreciate any suggestions about Internet paragraphs (especially in the dialogue), I just made up my own rules.

Other things I'm curious about are:

• Is it too "horsey" for people who aren't into horses?
• How is the ratio of character development to sex?
• Are my metaphores cliche, too cheesy, or do they help the descriptions?
• Does the title and summary sentence (Watching him pound those nails was just too much.) make you want to read my story?

Thanks a lot. I'm off to reciprocate!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Pearl Prynne,

Your questions-my answers.

Is it too "horsey" for people who aren't into horses? (NOT IN MY OPINON. YOU HANDLED THAT WELL.)

How is the ratio of character development to sex? (A LOT OF TALK AND TEASE BUT RELATIVELY LITTLE REAL ACTION UNTIL THE END.)

Are my metaphores cliche, too cheesy, or do they help the descriptions? (THEY SEEMED TO FIT HER CHARACTER.)

Does the title and summary sentence (Watching him pound those nails was just too much.) make you want to read my story? (NOT REALLY, BUT I’M A GUY SO WHADDA I KNOW?)

--

I like the protag and her style, but for me the constant teasing and fantasizing started getting a little tedious. The ending was a tad flat. I did a fairly tight line edit of page one. What follows is strictly my humble opinion concerning some things which may or may not need changing.

Nits and picks aside, you’ve done a good job with this story.

Rumple Foreskin

--

A half hour whipped by. We talked and were silent. Comfortable, I hoped, but I was anything but. I couldn't believe my inner monologue. (MAYBE “COMFOTABLY SILENT, I HOPED. I WAS ANYTHING BUT. I COULDN’T….”)
--
Look at my breasts, it was a last ditch effort.(CONFUSING)
--
Hmmm, I thought and brought one hand to my face. I was so hot. I squeezed Laney to a trot and reveled (IN) the sensation of grinding my crotch deep into her back.
--
He reintroduced himself, un(NOT)knowing that he had been dominating my idle thoughts for seventy-two hours.
--
My voice amazed me, impressively calm despite my immediate schoolgirl fantasy: (OMIT THE COLON ADD “OF” our horses nickering at each other across the partition of a two-horse trailer. Oh (OF?) course, Kurt's was the black stallion. (COMBINE, ADD “SO”) Laney would be in love too.
--
After a long bath, I covered myself in lilac lotion, filed my nails, dried my hair, put on a little make-up, and got dressed in my brand-new purchases. I had decided on black: smooth, understated, yet still very sexy. Then clothes, and my boots, a jean jacket and little silver horse-head earrings. I was ready. (WOULD SHE GO TO ALL THAT TROUBLE AND THEN GROOM HER HORSE? see next paragraph)

I gave Laney a good grooming trying not to get myself too dirty, hoping to do that after Kurt arrived. Oh, I'm so bad, I thought to myself.
--
I rejoiced at the absence of seat belts
I reveled in the dirt road vibrations (IT’S THE SECOND TIME SHE’S “REVELED” IN THIS STORY)
--
(VERY ABRUPT TRANSITION. AT FIRST I WONDERED HOW SHE COULD TALK TO THE HORSE FROM THE TRUCK’S CAB.) We stopped at an unmarked turn-off. Laney was antsy: she's a young horse whose never been anywhere beside my stable and the park where we work. I cooed calming words to her and stroked her neck, all the while feeling my heart accelerate knowing Kurt's eyes were on me.
--
I take a little pride (IN WHAT) since I've worn the same ones since high school, but I suppose leather can stretch if you want to be objectionable. (CONFUSING)
--
With one arm under my butt, he lifted me up, nuzzled his face across my chest, and effortlessly twirled me 180 degrees. (CONFUSING. ESPECIALLY SINCE IN THE NEXT PARA WE LEARN SHE’S NEITHER UPSIDE DOWN NOR FACING AWAY FROM HIM)

 

[ronde]

This story was quite enjoyable, and was so much so that I had to read it twice to be able to think about structure, syntax, etc.

You spin a nice tale, and in my opinion the dialogue is done very well. I liked the slang expressions and abbreviated sentences, because that's the way most people really speak. The content of the dialogue was nice too, and did a lot to convey the "real" people who make up your characters.

My impression is that Kurt is a man of few words with most people, and couldn't open up to Rebecca even though he wanted her very much. I liked the way he said more an more as their relationship progressed and he became more comfortable around her.

Since Rebecca is the narrator and also has dialogue, we get to know much more about her. Maybe this is just my stereotype of females in general, but she seemed to be like many women I know. She has practical sense and a polite demeanor with strangers, and this side of her comes out in her dialogue during the first part of the story. All the while she is being practical and polite, she shows us her inner self with the narration. Her inner self is what I imagine many women to be. She is unsure about how she should react but knows what she wants him to do. When he won't make love to her, she thinks something is wrong with her. I loved this insight into a complex little lady.

The story is not too "horsey" for me, but I also have horses so maybe I have more understanding than some. The inclusion of some detail about the horses made the story better for my reading, and I think readers who don't have the knowledge will just read and accept the descriptions as fact.

If you read anything I write, you will find that my stories are heavy on plot and character development at the expense of paragraph after paragraph of wet, slippery descriptions of the mechanics of sex. In my opinion , erotic literature should not be a stop-action, frame-by-frame description of the act itself. Eroticism is based on allowing the reader to form his/her own vision of any sexual events, and to do this, one has to understand the setting and the personalities of the characters. I thought you did this very well, and this was the reason I had to read it twice before getting down to details. I kept getting caught up in my own imagination.

There is a fantastic metaphore in the last portion of this story. Words have great power to conjur up thought, and this line -

"My eyes filled with tears and my wails were not words as euphoria burst and saturated my limbs with a feeling of frothy effervescence. " -

is bursting at the seams with depth and meaning upon which to base the mental picture you sought to create. It is well done, and is definitely not trite.

I thought the ending was OK. I could picture her laying there with an impish look on her face as she said the last line, and although more could be written, I don't think more was needed. The end of the story was the end of their experience except for getting back home, and it would have been anti-climactic to read how they got dressed and talked as they drove. I liked the ending.

The anal-retentive, technical-type things I found are pretty normal for me also, so don't get discouraged by the rest of this comment.

1. I am glad to see that you know how to use semi-colons, and also that you use them. They are a good tool to avoid choppy, terse sentences in narration, and you use them well.

2. You seem to like colons (the ":" kind, not the other ones, lol). I almost never use them except to set the reader up for a list of some type. In most cases, a comma would have done as well, and the sentence would have been easier to read.

3. In a few instances, you fell victim to the blind efficiency of your spell-checker. A couple of examples are:

A poignant shutter whipped through my body - didn't you mean shudder?

slit-second - to me, this should be split-second

Always read the context in which the word is used when the spell-check window pops up. You might have to add words to your dictionary because most software doesn't know slang, contracted and hyphenated words, etc. It only checks the selected word against it's dictionary entries, and then suggests the closest match to what you typed.

4. There are a some of those pesty unstarted phrases after commas. These are so easy to write, because we tend to think in this manner, but they read poorly. I have to consciously look for them in my own writing, and I am sure I still miss some. When one uses a comma to separate thoughts or actions, both phrases should, in actuality, be complete sentences in that both have an "actor" (noun or pronoun) and and action (verb). Sometimes the actor is "understood" from the previous part, but still must be there. A couple of examples:

"I hid behind my horse, feeling a tingling blush spread across my face. "

When you read the portion after the comma by itself, it doesn't make any sense. Perhaps a better wording would be:

"I hid behind my horse, and felt a tingling blush spread across my face."

"Tracing the dip in my waist and finally pulling me forward, cupping my butt. "

In this case, neither portion has a noun to tell the reader who is doing what. Another wording would be"

"He traced the dip in my waist and finally, as he pulled me forward, his hands cupped my but."


With all the above said, this story was still very enjoyable to read. As some have said on this board before, a good plot and good characters can minimize the impact of technical errors. You have a good plot and well developed characters, and they don't really have that many errors to overcome. Good luck with the votes and keep writing.

 

[Pearl_Prynne]

Wow! You guys are awesome proofreaders! Thanks for all the suggestions.

Amusingly, most of your stylistic comments apply to me as well as the story: flirty, lots of talk, enjoys reveling.

I'm tacking your comments about transitions and description of the physical action scenes to the bulletin board by my computer. I've heard those criticisms before and will definitely keep them in mind during futue writing.

I'm am still unsure how denote interal thoughts (look at my breasts, etc.) since I use quotations for dialogue. Any suggestions?

Thanks again! More please!

 

[ronde]

Internal thoughts

Quotation marks are the only way I know of denoting internal thoughts as opposed to the character's narration of the scene and action taking place. The reader does need some indication that the statement is a thought and not said for the benefit of the other characters. The standard - "Look at my breasts", she thought. - will do admirably as will other ways of identifying the silent nature of the dialogue.

"Look at my breasts". she said to herself.

Her thought, "Look at my breasts", screamed to be put to voice.


You get the idea. Just make sure the reader can't confuse your thoughts with your speech.

 

[Idle_Hands]

Well, I am very impressed with your writing, and can really find no serious faults. I'm not entirely sure the story had to go all the way: ending with the first promise of the evening together might have been fine. A lot of the energy of the story comes from the courtship and and initial fling, and the flirtation on the ride and the fuck by the truck don't leave us guessing what will come next as much. Still, I enjoyed everything which went after that.

Others have discussed various technical issues, but perhaps if I describe what I see as the strengths of your story it will help you in the future. I really liked the way you sort of rolled the erotic level up and down over the course of the story. All those little sexual bits build up, providing a kind of foreplay in the story.

thanks again for offering up your story.

-ih

 

[SexyChele]

Okay, first off, let me get to your questions:

Is it too "horsey" for people who aren't into horses?

I'm not really into horses, and I wouldn't say this story was too "horsey". Not at all. I found it interesting to get some insight on the relationship and caring people can have for their animals.

How is the ratio of character development to sex?

I thought it was good. By the end, your reader could identify with both characters. They were understandable and believable. I do have to agree that the scene by the truck was a bit over the top. Ending at the field (meadow? clearing? not sure) would have been fine - with the promise of what was to happen. Or perhaps having her seduce him right there in the open would have worked as well. A bit heavy on the teasing, but well done.

Are my metaphores cliche, too cheesy, or do they help the descriptions?

I thought they fit in with both the characters and the story. In some cases, they left me with a smile - good thing, like you are sharing a little joke with the reader. It makes the story more comfortable for the reader, I think.

Does the title and summary sentence (Watching him pound those nails was just too much.) make you want to read my story?

I can't really answer this, as I didn't stumble onto the story in the listing. I picked it up from here. I might have appealed to me, but it's hard to say, now that I've read it.


As for my own opinions. I really liked the story. You wove quite an interesting tale that involved several elements. I was almost reminded, in some ways, of "The Horsewhisperer". (good thing, in my mind) They way the story is written, the reader can feel the wind, smell the great outdoors, feel the flesh of the horses. Very good. Very well done!

I have to agree with the spell-check thing. Sometimes they are more bother than they are worth! I also appreciated the fact that you tried to seek out new and different words to describe what was happening. That makes a story more interesting. However, sometimes that can be a bit over the top. At one point, the phrase "petrified nipples" is used. My first reaction was that her nipples were frightened. Then I had to think of the second meaning, and left me imagining her nipples had been dead for millions of years, caught in stone. It wasn't all that pleasant, and it detracted from the story. I would encourage you to seek out different words, but also caution as to how your readers might perceive those words.

Also, the phrase, "trudged through my juices" doesn't conjur up images of good sex. The word "trudge" brings to mind something sticking, resisting, labor-intensive, something you don't want to do. See what I mean? (sort of? )

There were three things that I felt I must comment on as I see for improvement.

1. Paragraph length. Almost all the paragraphs are two to three lines long. Yes, that does leave a lot of "white space", but there are several of these paragraphs that should rightly be combined together. Also, you might have been able to shave a page or two off of the final product. (Many readers shy away from stories that 15 pages in length)

2. Colons. Sorry, but I can get anal on this type of thing. You used 33 colons throughout this story. That's about 32 times too many. Colons are one of those grammatical tools that is best if underused. After a while, when I saw one, I was concentrating on the colon rather than the story. Try using commas to break things up. Or new sentences.

3. Some of the dialogue. Although you've got most of it mastered, there were times when I was confused on who was talking. For example, towards the end of the story:

"I have not," I pouted. "I only like sex in the missionary position." We both started laughing. (No problem here)

"I've got a mark on my arm that says otherwise." I shrugged coyly. (Huh?? I didn't remember him biting her arm.)

"Sorry about that." (Have no idea who is apologizing, as the previous sentence has already confused me.)

"My little vampire." I laughed. I would be his little watever-he-wanted-me-to-be.


Normally, if there is a person indicated after a quote, the reader assumes that person just said that. As in the first sentence - it is clear she says this. However, in the second sentence, the narrator shrugged, leaving the reader to believe she said this. It would have read easily if "I shrugged coyly." was on a separate line, marking off the dialogue. I hope this makes sense.


Overall, a good story. Descriptive, imaginative, and well-written. Keep up the good work!

 

[KillerMuffin]

How to handle thoughts.

Believe it or not, there's generally no need to tag them. If there is then you've got a problem that needs to fixed or you find yourself in need of making sure the audience is aware that the character is indeed thinking and this is the thought that the character is thinking.

For example:

Oh, my god! I caught my breath and smiled. His hand was large and soft. He held mine for just the right amount of time and let it go with a tiny squeeze. Why didn't Christina tell me he was hot?!

The way most people tag thoughts badly. "Hello gorgeous," I thought to myself.

First of all, unless you're involved in a telepathy story, it's a given that the character is thinking to him or herself. Don't put thoughts in quotation marks. Quotation marks denote speech and the reader will automatically assume "speaking" and not thinking. The best method of punctuating thought is usually italics. Do this <.I>I am thinking right now,</I> Charlie thought. (without the period in the <.I>) Personally, I wouldn't punctuate, as it were, thought unless the tag word "thought" is involved. Otherwise you're confusing.

Most readers assume without even thinking about it that the narrative is one character's thoughts. You're in her POV and while you're in her POV we all assume that's what's going through her mind. You generally don't have to point it out.

That leads me to my speech on tag words. It is not necessary to tag every bit of speech. In fact, you really oughtn't unless it's necessary to identify the speaker. Use other methods of clarifying the speaker.

"Just a minute." He let me go, but still held my horse.

"No!" I caught a chill in the split second it took him to slip off Laney's bridle and hook it over the saddle horn.

You notice what I automatically assumed with this particular exchange? That's why you don't punctuate thoughts.

Use props, describe body language, describe intonation, describe feelings.

"Hello, John." Marsha slammed the door and knocked a portrait of her great-grandfather off of the wall.

"Well, hello Marsha." He shoved the letter he had been reading under the blotter.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Just a little paperwork that can wait." His eyes slid to the right before reluctantly meeting hers.

See what I mean?

 

[SexyChele]

KM,
I had always been told/taught that in writing one never puts thoughts into quotes. (as you have stated) Yet, I have seen writers using single quotes to denote thought. They seem to come from the UK, but I wouldn't swear to it. Any thoughts/ideas on that?



Sorry to interrupt the flow of the thread, but I think this is something a lot of writers struggle with.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Usually the single quote is used to denote speech in the UK. Quotes have never been used to denote thought in any of the grammar/punctuation guides I've ever read, and I've been through more than a few.

Thought is usually not demarcated unless there's an important reason for it. Go through and read the classics, good short stories, or other material someone actually paid money to publish and you can get a general idea of the accepted way to use punctuation and grammar. Since this is what the reading public is exposed to, this what the reading public accepts.

When I need to denote thought, I use italics. I've never actually used it though. I use italics for emphasis and once to indicate that what the reader is going through isn't a part of the "normal" storyline.

We write in what I, erroneously enough, refer to as stream of consciousness these days. We sit on a character's shoulder and we know what that character thinks and feels about what's happening. The way the words are used, expression, movement, and actual thought.

I see no need to demarcate something as "thought" without a really good reason.

What do you think? Do we need to express that a character is thinking or do you think it's a given? Why?

 

[ronde]

Am I thinking or speaking aloud?

As I read KillerMuffin's and SexyChele's posts it became obvious that I entered the discussion armed with a memory of punctuation rules somewhat dimmed by the passage of time. I bow to their knowledge, but would explain my logic in using quotations to denote thought.

If the character is alone, it is probably not necessary to identify thoughts in any manner. It would be difficult for a reader to interpret a statement by the narrator as anything other than a thought, or at the very least, as the narrator speaking to him/herself. I feel the situation is different if more than one character is present.

If one character is speaking to another character, and then has a private thought, it can become confusing to the reader unless the thought is identified. For instance:

"Good Morning", I said as I watched her stretch. Why do you always steal the blankets? "Did you sleep well?"

I think the thought - Why do you always steal the blankets? - is difficult to understand without a re-read. I would prefer to write it as:

"Good Morning", I said as I watched her stretch. My next thought was, "Why do you always steal the blankets?", but instead, I asked, "Did you sleep well?"

Maybe I'm making up my own rules, but the second version is more clear to me, and there is no doubt as to the interpretation of the words.

I usually use italics only for special emphasis, such as a raised voice, or to denote a statement made tongue-in-cheek or in a cynical manner.

I agree with KillerMuffin's statement about "tagging". If every statement in dialogue is preceded or followed by "he said", "he asked", "she stated", etc., it rapidly becomes cumbersome to read. I prefer to establish the identity of the speaker with clues in the dialogue. This can get tricky if more than two characters are speaking, but can be done effectively, and the dialogue will read just as if the reader were listening.

Perhaps I need to call that highschool English teacher again?

 

[KillerMuffin]

The problem in your example is the pronoun "you" in the narrative.

"Goodmorning." He wanted to demand why in the hell she always steals the blankets, instead he asked, "Did you sleep well?"

When you introduce a new Point of view, in this case, second person, outside of the flow of the story, you have to tag it or it will jar the reader. If you wanted to use the word "you" in that manner, then you have to tag it as a thought to keep clear.

In any case, you wouldn't punctuate the thought with quotation marks because it's not speech. The reason? It will make things less clear to the reader as s/he's moving through your text.

Clarity is key. It's the only reason to use punctuation.

Don't feel bad, my English teacher lied to me a lot. You remember that whole "Don't use contractions" thing? You used contractions and the teach bleeds red ink all over your paper and you get a C. Well, s/he lied. You only refrain from the use of contractions in formal writing.

I get my information from grammar, punctuation, and style guides.

 

[Pearl_Prynne]

I'm Learning So Much

SexyChele, were you annoyed soley by my overuse of colons or did I use them incorrectly?

According to Strunk and White, colons are appropriate to introduce the following: a list of particulars, an appositive, an amplification, or an illustrative quotation. I'm interpreting the middle two to mean that I can use a colon before clarification and/or justification of the preceding clause. That seems fairly liberal. What are others' emotional reactions to my rate of approximately two colons per page?

Here's my take on the suggestions regarding dialogue paragraphing: (Ahhh, I can't help myself) obviously, I need a new paragraph for the words of a new speaker. Is it also correct to start a new paragraph when I'm describing the actions or reactions of anyone other than the quoted speaker? Should I then tack that new person's quotation after the narration or start a third paragraph?

Thanks KillerMuffin for your opinions on quoting thoughts and to Rumple Foreskin who replied privately.

ronde and Idle_Hands, the obviously sincere and thoughtfully detailed comments mean so much.

Finally, I'm grateful to everyone who sent feedback directly from my story. I need a group hug, and then you can all go vomit. Pearl

(edited to fix a misspelling of someone's name, unforgivable)

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Hi Pearl,

I agree with the technical assessments. It's pretty well written, though occasionally purple.

You asked about colons. Well, I'm not quite retentive enough to look at all 33 (thanks SC), here is my impression. About half are misused. The other half are technically ok, if a little uncommon in lots of modern writing. The general rule is that, 1) what is before the colon must be capable of being a sentence; 2) with the exception of a list, what comes after the colon must also be capable of being a sentence, and indeed the after part is often capitalized.

A number of colons are correctly used. I will make up the examples, since I'm not good at cutting and pasting. This sort of thing is correct:

He was a hunk of a man: He had the tightest butt you can imagine.

The errors, imho, are of this sort:

He had a nice way with his smile: flashing it shyly at me while he worked.

or

His manner was not bold: more like shy.

I hope this helps you: At any rate, I've tried.
;-)

 

[SexyChele]

First, Pearl - no, I wasn't "annoyed" at the use of colons. The first couple I actually skipped over entirely. It was only when I started to see some sort of pattern that my eyes started to pick them out as I read. It's more a technological thing, but I don't think it detracted from the story at all.


I'm sorry if I came across as overly critical, as I didn't mean to be. Heck, if you want to see me really fry some one, you should watch me as I'm trying to edit one of my own stories! I rip myself to shreds!


***********************************************

I do think thoughts need to be somehow identified as thoughts when the story involves more than one person. However, putting the thought in quotes only confuses me. I see quotes, I automatically think that some one said something.

Ronde, I felt the second example you gave to be more confusing than the first, because of the quotes. I like the way KM handled it, but I think I would have written something along the lines of:

"Good Morning", I said as I wondered why she always had to steal the blankets. "Did you sleep well?"


But then, that's just my .02 worth.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Colons are like perfume. Just because you can use them doesn't mean you should. Too many is overkill.

Used correctly, they'll do what you want them to do. However, colons are a rare punctuation. You just don't see them a whole lot in fiction because they give you the feeling of a list of facts. Factual evidence just doesn't flow with the sense you get in fiction.

Adverbs and adjectives are the same. So are exclamation points and the word "as."

At least, that's my opinion.

 

[ronde]

SexyChele and KillerMuffin

It is sometimes humbling to have one's errors corrected, but in this case the feeling is good. When I read your re-write of my sentence, your points make perfect sense. If only my highschool English teacher had looked like your AV's, perhaps I would have listened a little better. Well, on second thought, I probably wouldn't have been listening at all. English class, however, would probably have been a lot more interesting.

Thanks for the help to me and an apology to Pearl_Prynne for taking up her review thread. With bowed head and some new rules, I go to once again re-edit my next story.

ronde

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Very good

So much has been said already, I'll keep this short.

Very good story. I didn't mind the 'horsey-ness' at all: most anything that gives a story a unique flavor is good. There is too often a bland sameness to stories here. (I used a colon, just to make you feel better.)

There were a few rough spots. Two examples:

Look at my breasts, it was a last ditch effort.

The problem is the pronoun 'it' just hangs out there with no immediately clear antecedent noun. (It turns out to be the act of taking off her shirt--or so it seems). Also, the 'voice' shifts a bit from one phrase to the other. "Look at my breasts" is her thought (then) to Kurt; 'it was a last ditch effort' is her (present) narration to the reader. They should be in separate sentences.

It's so like sex, always a reoccurring thought, as I slowed her pace by riding just a little behind her stride.

Again, you open a new paragraph with a sentence containing 'it.' The antecedent is the rather complex phrase 'the sensation of grinding my crotch deep into her back.' But then 'always a recurring thought' is awkward. What is a recurring thought? Sex? Or the 'it?' Or that the 'it' is like 'sex?'

'As I slowed her pace . . .' adds even more confusion.

My eyes filled with tears and my wails were not words as euphoria burst and saturated my limbs with a feeling of frothy effervescence.

I'm going to part company with Ronde here. "Tears," "wails" and 'limbs with a feeling of frothy effervescence" makes it sound like she's suffering a bad case of the bends.


My major objection was my envy and frustration in observing Rebecca's unabashed and articulated lust towards Kurt as that pouty 'damn, I wish I'd for once experience that' feeling came over me. But even that, too, is a testament to the effectiveness of your writing.

Good job.

 

[Ray Dario]

Sorry for being late on this one. I've just returned from two weeks up in the smokey mountains. No not the ones in Tennesee but the Rocky Mountains that are full of smoke up in Colorado. San Isabel National Forest to be specific. Beautiful up there and no fires where I was. I hated to come back.

Oh well on to the critique.

This was one of the best stories I have read on Lit. It had a few little things that I disliked but overall it was excellent! Good job.

Forgive me if I repeat what others have said. I didn't take the time to read all the reviews here 'cause I'm tired and I stink. Once done here I'm taking a long shower and going to bed. So ...

The few things I could pick out were:

Colons, I haven't seen that many colons in a single story since ... well ... ever! And the worst part is, most were used incorrectly.

Laney is my buckskin baby, an American Quarter Horse who I trained and is now my primary source of relaxation.
should be
Laney is my buckskin baby, an American Quarter Horse whom (or that) I trained and is now my primary source of relaxation.

Horses don't have toes! I know you were being colloquial but for me this phrase just really jarred me. You use the word Farrier (which has a definent British tone to it and didn't really fit the rest of the story) but then refer to your horses hoves as toes?

Good horse shoers are like a good hair stylists: they get you going about yourself so they don't have to talk while they work.
Leave out the word horse here. We know he's a blacksmith.

At this point I got engrossed in the story and forgot to make notes. But I will try to answer your questions:

Is it too "horsey" for people who aren't into horses?
I love horses so I can't speak for "people who aren't into horses" but who gives a fuck anyway. If you don't like horses then you shouldn't be reading a story titled "Lucky Horse Shoes"!

How is the ratio of character development to sex?
Perfect, in my humble opinion.

Are my metaphores cliche, too cheesy, or do they help the descriptions?
Yes, a little. It was okay at first but got a little tired by the end of the story.

Does the title and summary sentence (Watching him pound those nails was just too much.) make you want to read my story? Not really. That WAS too cheesy sorry.


Still overall I really enjoyed the story. You are a good writer, well except for the colon thing, and I loved this story. Good job!

Ray

 

[curious2c]

Pearl_Prynne

Well, everyone here has pretty much summed up the biggies.
Too horsey? No! It was very 'right' and I thought beliveable as well. I have some female cousins who were very 'horse' oriented and that is the way their thought train ran, so obviously, horse's rule.
Ratio of character devlopment to sex? Personally I would have preferred that the sex start a little sooner, but I am a guy, and I am also impatient sometimes when reading.
Metaphors and their use? Great! I found that you caused me to continue to read, even though I normally would not have read this type of story. I wanted to see how it all turned out, and the metaphors intrested me enough to want to find that out.
Title and Summary sentence? Well as I stated before, I would normally not choose to read this story, as my interests are not in this direction, however, (and this is a BIG however) I found that as I read into the story, I could actually picture the characters in my mind. I wanted them to get together and stay together. I found myself liking it the more I read! Thank you for writing this particualr story.
Finally, as to the colon thing, I have found that when 'word' gets stumped it sometimes throws colons in as 'fixes'. I didn't realoze that until I once printed out a story I wrote, and discovered that I had over twenty colons. I then went back and rewrote so that word wouldn't force the use of them. It helped alot, now if I could only stop with the exclaimation points.(I'm working on that btw.
All in all a great story with a nice ending. Will be watching for more from you in the future.

 

[Just_John1]

Non-horsey kind of guy

Being a non-horsey kind of guy (the only horses I'm really familiar with are under the hood), I didn't find the horseyness of the story the least bit distracting.

I've never been really strong on punctuation myself and didn't even notice the colons

I really liked the urgency created in this story and I felt that it's creation was a function of the build up. Perhaps a tad long but it fit the story and what seemed to be the intention of a colossal build up before some really intense descriptions.

I thought it included great descriptions that painted detailed pictures in my mind. I enjoyed the story very much.

As you can probably tell... I'm a fan.

 

[moonfire]

Pearl,

Thanks for a lovely story! I really enjoyed it and I am really impressed with your way with language. You set a very high standard!

>Is it too "horsey" for people who aren't into horses?

Well, I ain’t into horses, and it weren’t too horsey for me. I thought the whole way the horse theme fed into the rest of the story worked really well.

>How is the ratio of character development to sex?

I think it is about right. I liked the teasing, especially the involuntary internal dialogue of Rebecca. I thought that was just right.

For the most part I don’t go into stories that do the blow-by-blow thing to the nth degree. That said, I thought you took some risks and you brought it off powerfully.

For me the best part of the story is the first two-thirds. I agree with “Idle Hands’ above. I like a story to have a natural rise and fall. Then another buildup. (This is why I tend to break things into chapters.) As it is, you build up, and then we sort of stay on a plateau of intensity.

>Does the title and summary sentence (Watching him pound those nails was just too much.) make you want to read my story?

This is my only criticism. The summary sentence does not bring out what the essence of the story, of which the core is the raw sensuality of the man. Rather focus on this.

But, all, that said - absolutely fantastic. A tour de force.

moonfire