6-1-02 Quint

[KillerMuffin]

Quint is a semi-regular contributor over in the Author's Hangout. She has some delightfully different views on some old writing tricks and has never failed to make a thread there more interesting.

In addition to two chapters of Sweet Salvation, she has two interesting How-to's on writing.

Hi guys. I've gotten nil feedback (except for you, Blue) on Chapter 1 of my ongoing (read: not going) novella. So I'd like to put it before the professionals. Some things I'd like you to pay attention to and comment on:

1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.
2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?
3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?
4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.
5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?
6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

Thanks, everyone. I'm looking forward, in a masochistic kinda way, to reading your views.

"Sweet Salvation: Chapter One"
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43233

 

[Guest]

I read this twice, first just a standard read as an reader, secondly looking for your questions. Here's my two cents:

Overall this was a good story; the sex scene was very well written and I got the feeling it was more of a teaser, a buildup to more in later scenes. Just wondered why the parcel-man kept knocking at the door for so long. I would have thought he'd have left a slip saying "We called." But that's a little pedantic.


1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

Nothing. Nada. Maybe I'm being obtuse, but there was nothing noticeable.


2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

I'm confused on this question. I understood exactly what was happening at every point in the story.


3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

I have a feeling I should be finding more wrong with this story, but I felt that dialogue wasn't needed. It was a one-person chapter, you don't really need that much dialogue.


4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

She appears a bit devoted to her ex and a little bit of a loner. Most girls I know would have friends around all the time getting her drunk in that situation rather than just having one night. She appears low in self-esteem if the loss of her boyfriend has hit her to the level where she doesn't care about how she appears to other people. Maybe I just know lots of narcissistic women.


5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

It kept me interested. Some prologues cause reader's to fall asleep, but there was stuff happening here, so narcolepsy was kept at bay.


6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

I think so. I'm interested to see how Beth progresses from here and the unresolved plot strand of the parcel has made me curious.


Yours apologetically

The Earl

 

[abashed-dreamer]

H I Q

>1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

**Perhaps "pussy" in the hot section.

>2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

**It starts on day 28, then after a view (backward) of the breakup, moves to day 7, on which everything occurs, including one fantasy. Correct? It seems the next part will deal with the second week.

>3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

**No, but there is more burden on the narrator to be interesting, show variety, etc. The narrator seems a bit finicky, a bit as if she's explaining a blue print to a machinist.

>4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

**She's hurt, stunned at first, in pain remembering the good times. Pretty normal stuff. She isn't that unique in character; she's a lover who got dropped suddenly, whose spouse had lost interest sometime before though she hadn't noticed. She is, until the tub, depressed, turned off, half alive.

>5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

We don't know what you're trying to set up, except maybe humping the deliveryman. I don't think things are 'set up too well' since we don't know a lot about her besides being heartbroken, depressed, then finally, horny. If you mean, does too little happen? Maybe. In a book we 'forgive' chapters that just set things up; in a short story, we'd be less forgiving.

>6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

*Well, yes I'd like to see her sexuality and sensuality unleashed with a suitable partner(s). I'm not sure that much else is prepared for--e.g. her taking a different view of men or relationships or sex.

I was watching the movie "The Beguiled" (Eastwood, as a soldier, taken in at a girs' school) last night, and noting how the first 15 minutes set the stage and interconnect with all the key later events (I've seen it before). Every detail has a point, e.g. the young girl is picking mushrooms, which she will use later. Masterful screenplay.

I'm sure I have much to learn, but I'd say to you that, unless the story is going to be pretty routine, humping the delivery guy and finding, after some false starts, great sex and true love, that really not enough is put into play in this chapter. Like a juggler with only two items in the air. Possibly that is why it's hard to continue. A first chapter is 'pregnant' with all subsequent ones, in a good story. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't see enough 'seeds' to be followed up later, except for a writhing thrashing earth-shattering fuck.

The writing is fine, if a little anatomical, your good imagination needs to be loosed.

 

[cherrylips_au]

Hi Quint,
I'll answer your questions first then add a few of my own.

1. The only word that could possible have been over used was teased/ing but its wasn't drastic.

2. I didn't find a confusion in whats happening.

3. I didn't think there was a problem with a lack of dialogue, it was more just what was flowing through her head.

4.Characterization of the main girl, well I was left wondering if she has a mental problem suffering from delusions. You sort of hinted at it in the first part in her reaction to the news from her partner then again at the end, so it left me wondering what was real and what wasn't real with her.
The other thing I thought was her feelings seemed to change about the break up half way through.In the first part she's clearly distraught by the news even showing signs of shock with the delayed reaction, then in the bath scene it's implied she hasn't been in pain "... all the apathy she'd been 'feeling' for the past seven days."I was left wondering is she suppose to be upset or not ? then at the end she consolving herself and resolving to get over him.
I think you have showed someone who has been so deeply affected by the break up of the relationship that she doesn't bathe for 7 days then almost instantly she comes back to a normal type of person realising she has to get on with living her life, I just didn't think that was realistic for her to be so distraught and then seem to snap out of it in a week.

5. I think I got lost in what you were setting up exactly. I did want to know more as you can see it left me with lots thoughts about her.

6. Interest in a second chapter maybe but not sure where your going to go with it. How relevant is the package? Maybe she can extract revenge on her partner ?

Ok a few questions I thought of whilst reading it.
1. What happened 3 months ago when her partner realised he didn't feel anything for her? Why did it take him 3 months to tell her ?

2.Why didn't she open the package first before having the bath? I think most people would succumb to curiosity over an unexpected package.


Well I did think it was a good story, I just wanted more information then was given. Thanks for sharing it with us.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Quint,

You've had some good, thoughtful critiques. Now here's mine to balance that out. Don't hesitate to PM or e-mail me to cuss or discuss any of the flotsam and jetsam.

Rumple Foreskin

--

1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

Because you’ve chosen not to name the ex-boyfriend, you’re forced to use “he” a lot. In the following section, this may have caught up with you.

“Beth noticed the deliveryman's sidelong glances at her, which puzzled her until she glanced down at herself. All she was wearing was a very old tee shirt of the band he used to be the bass player in…;”

The last male you mention prior to, “…the band (he) used…,” is the deliveryman.

IMHO, you also overuse “she” and “her”. That first sentence could easily read, “Beth noticed the deliveryman’s sidelong glances at her. His nervous peeking was a puzzle, until she looked down.” which would eliminate a “her” and a “herself”. The original version of the sentence also contains both “glances” and “glanced.” I’d suggest changing one of them. One last thought about the original sentence. The phrase “which puzzled her,” might logically refer to either the man’s glances or her noticing his glances.

--

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

The fact you open the story with “March 28” but then sub-title the first paragraph following the time shift break with “Day 7” apparently confused that person which means, I suppose, it might confuse others. You’re the author. Whether to do anything about this possible problem is something only the author can decide. For what it’s worth, I’d either date them both the same way or drop all dates.

--

3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

IMHO, no. Although as someone else noted, writing interesting exposition is a chore.

--

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

My impression of her was similar to that of The Earl and Abashed-dreamer. The problem is all of us are having to guess why she’s SO bummed out.

--

5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

No, but that’s because, IMHO, it doesn’t "do its job of setting things up” very well. All I’ve learned is that this person got dumped by a s/o and felt like hell for a week until she got herself off in the bathtub.

--

6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

To be honest, not much. I’ll check it out because you’re a fellow writer who’s asking for advice. But as I mentioned above, this section left me in a Sgt. Schultz, “I know nothing,” mode about the characters and the story.

RF

 

[abashed-dreamer]

Post script,

Let me be more specific. Most of us have been dumped, sometime or other; most of us have failed to see a partner is becoming 'lost' to us. Reactions of depression, hurt, lack of self care are common. The happy times are remembered, with sadness.

Yet each person is unique. One is a member of the Mormon church and turns to their spiritual advisers.

One lost her father when she was ten, and the new loss triggers old memories.

One has doubts about her looks, and so focuses on what may have 'caused' the problem, and starts thinking of plastic surgery.

One had a drug problem in the past, which faded when Mr. Seeming Right turned up, and now places a call to her dealer
(or thinks about it).

One had a case of 'crabs' a few months previously, and Mr. Right said it was a public toilet and she believed him. And now a little light bulb goes on.

For one it's happened 20 times before, for another, only once, very mildly. The reaction indicates this.

These things make 'rejection suffering' specific and (more) unique, rather than just generic.

Best,
Jack

 

[Ray Dario]

Quint,

That was a very powerful story. The main character came to life so vividly that I really felt her pain. And at the end, I felt the hope springing inside her. Well done.

The only criticism I have for the story is the final two sentences.

She knew now that she had to accept his loss and adjust to it. Now that she had regained sensation, she also knew that she could do it.

Something about these two sentences feels awkward. With such good writing leading up to them, they didn’t fit.

Other than that, your writing is superb.

On to your questions:

1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

I didn’t notice any at all. But the story was so engaging that I was afraid I’d missed it. So I ran it through my program to see which words were repeated most often.

Your top five were: Her (67), She (62), the (58), to (40), and (35). These are all common words and I wouldn’t worry about any of them accept maybe the “and”. Looking farther down the list I found “sponge” used 8 times. This may be a little overused. Feeling (6) and Felt (5) maybe.

Overall I don’t think you had a problem with this.

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

I wasn’t confused at all by the action. I thought your writing was clear. Not exactly concise, but clear.

3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

Your dialogue was appropriate for the story. More would have been forced.

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.
I’ve already answered this. You did an excellent job bringing her to life.

5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

Well, I can’t say because I don’t know what’s to follow. It’s a good setup. It’s also a good story by itself.

6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?
I personally don’t like sequels. I’ve done them, but I don’t like them. I think you should use your own judgment here. If YOU want a chapter 2 then write it. If you are unsure then move on and write something else. But the decision must come from YOU. If you write it for the fans it won’t be as good as if you wrote it for yourself. Trust me, been there done that.

Once again I’ll say, this was a great story. Your ability to impart emotion into your writing is fantastic. Keep it up.

Ray

 

[TheEarl]

Sorry, that anon was me if you hadn't realised already.

Just reading through other people's critiques, thought to add a further opinion. RF said about the boyfriend continually being "he". First of all, you might have wanted to consider having him as a "He" to distinguish him from the other "he"s. If that makes any sense at all . Plus if the boyfriend is to play any significant part in the next chapter, then he really should have a name by now. I'm presuming he's going to be peripheral by the fact that he doesn't.

And now that's 4 cents.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

I didn't notice any.

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

I 'm confused. Do you mean an Asian person?

3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

No.

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

She loved him enough to live with him.
A long term relationship? (boyfriend/fiance, or even husband)

He told her, practically, she meant nothing to him. He'd realised and known that for three months. Being told that must be heart breaking.

She seems to be locked up in her apartment(N.B. she hasn't taken bath for a week) Student? Jobless? Working from home? On holiday? On sick leave? She spends her time feeling the pain and removing all the things which reminds of him. And she can't help but think of good times.

Friends call but don't visit her. No close friends? (Younger) Or her friends has more important things than to visit her and comfort her. (Older)

She's so affected and out of it by being dumped that she opens the door wearing only tee shirt. She realises it, but doesn't shy away. She just slams the door shut. There's an attitude to that. She's not as vulnerable as she's feeling at that moment.

She doesn't open the package. The first thing she does is to cleanse herself. She's got self-respect back. She takes painfully hot bath. She's angry at herself for being miserable. She tells herself to get over it.

At first read, I thought the imaginaly *he* (during bath) was her ex-, but on re-read, I realised *he* could be anyone, suggesting she's ready to start anew.

She's strong/possitive enough to recover in a week.

5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?
&
6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

Revenge(On second thought, maybe not)
The post man(Possibly)
Unopened package(Hum...)
Sexual exploration/adventure with new lover/s(Possibly)
Does she still imagin *his* hands touching her?(Forget this sentence)

Addition after checking up the first paragraph of Ch2
Set up is there but none too obvious.
Interest in Ch2?
Obviously.

 

[SexyChele]

Sorry I didn't respond until now, but I've been out of town.


I haven't read what anyone else has written so far, so excuse me if I repeat what has already been stated. Since you've indicated that you are interested in specific questions, I'll start with those.


1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.

For me, I felt you could have used other words to describe Beth's orgasm. The word "come" was used several times, but I don't know if I could say it was overused. Besides, that is just a personal thing I have. Otherwise, nothing specific jumped out at me.

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?

There was a little confusion, but I think it was in how the story was formatted to the Literotica site. The date, March 28, appears by the author's name, so if a reader missed that they wouldn't understand what "Day 7" meant. Also, March 28 appears in quotes so that adds a little more confusion - is the date Beth and her man are breaking up on is March 28, or is that the date Beth's man realized he no longer loved her? I think if this date appeared in the body of the of the story, I would have read it as something the guy said. But, yeah, the way it is formatted is a little confusing. Not sure how valid the date is to the story, but I would suggest if it is an important factor, you might want to contact Laurel and ask if the date can be moved to the body of the story.


3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?

I like dialogue where and when dialogue is appropriate. In this piece, I believe you supplied sufficient dialogue. I was confused when the guy states, "You want to know why?" because nothing in the beginning paragraph had indicated that Beth had asked "why". Other than that, as you say, it is a piece about a woman and her thoughts and unless she is in the habit of talking to herself, there would be minimal dialogue. No, I don't think lack of dialogue hurts the story.

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

I see her as shocked, hurt, confused. I see her trying to digest news that somehow seems unreal. I guess I can relate as I went through a terrible, swift breakup with a man I'd been dating for several years and truly went into shock for 2 weeks. I know the numbness, the apathy, the seemingly vacantness one feels. I think you captured that here rather well, however, I don't know if many people who have not experienced that would pick up on it. Might depend on personal experience.

5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

I did have to keep telling myself this was a novella, as I would have read it differently if I would have thought it to be a complete story. I think this chapter sets the stage and scene, but I don't think "too well". Of course, I'm lousy at murder mysteries - sometimes not even getting the "who done it" even after the "who did it" has been revealed. For me, there was adequate build up to the next segment.

6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?

Yes. I want to know what is in the package that arrived!! Seriously, I think this will read better once there is a part 2 and 3. I read this as a Chapter 1 of a novella, which was basically an intro. Chapter 2 and 3 will add clarity to the story.


Overall, I think this is a good story, and I think the whole story should prove interesting. The only thing that I could say was confusing was the date being up by the author's name. That might have to be changed to provide clarity.

 

[Guest]

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to talk about Ch2 in this thread, so this post is for Quint's eyes only.

Because you have asked:

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.

I've read the prologue a few times carefully and gave you how I saw Beth in my earlier post.

As I saw it, in the end of Ch1, Beth came out almost ready to recover from the painful break-up with the ex-. The first paragraph of Ch2 supports my interpretation.

'Nothing like a good orgasm followed by a nice bout of hysteria,' Beth thought wryly as she stepped out of the emptying bathtub. Toweling herself off, she replayed the look on that deliveryman's face and had to grin. She moved over to the mirror above the sink and looked herself in the eye. "You are one sexy girl, Beth, but damn, you can be a mess." The reflection winked back at her.

In the paragraph two, Beth opens the package and the silk corset brings back the memory of her ex-; bringing her right back to where she was before the bath.

Fine. Not everybody switches on and off from a relationship with a click of fingers.

Why did you insert the story by a Beth's friend?

Okey, it says a little about Beth; that she's got a writer friend on-line; that she enjoys reading erotica. But, I felt the (Beth's friend's) story-which was good enough to stand on its own-was unnecesary.

The story is about a bit of rough group sex (3M+Beth) with nasty talk. In the end, Beth finishes reading the story and finds herself aroused.

Beth gave a long sigh and unclenched her hands; they'd been in fists at her side to prevent them from straying. Unlike in the bath an hour or so ago—was it really so soon?—she hadn't played with herself, and her pussy was pulsing with lust. Her eyes kept playing over the last part, where the three men came all over the girl's body. The vision was at once repulsive and strangely compelling. To be bathed in semen, to be washed in it, to have all other men's imprints erased by this orgasmic baptism…Beth quickly gave her friend's story a "5," mentally promising feedback later, and got up from the computer. It was time for her to finally deal with the breakup. She would cleanse her body of his memory.

Beth held the corset against herself speculatively.

My italics.

Quint, you asked how I saw Beth. I took an interest. Beth is an interesting character.

I thought she dealt with the break up in the end of Ch1. So, to me, Ch2 is a digression (a repetition). I'd rather read about Beth's relashionship with her ex-, or how she begins her new life without the ex-.

Inserting the story by a friend is fine as long as the friend plays a part in the later chapters, but not in the Ch2. I found it disrupted continuity (pace?) of your story, severely.

Maybe it's because you've asked for it, but my forcus is on *Beth*. I wanted to see how Beth's character develop in Ch2, rather than to read the story written by a friend. It's an imaginally story within an imaginally story to a reader (me! me! me!). You know what I mean?

Orignally posted by abashed-dreamer
>5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?

We don't know what you're trying to set up, except maybe humping the deliveryman. I don't think things are 'set up too well' since we don't know a lot about her besides being heartbroken, depressed, then finally, horny. If you mean, does too little happen? Maybe. In a book we 'forgive' chapters that just set things up; in a short story, we'd be less forgiving.

My italics.

That's my two rubles worth, anyway.

 

[Quint]

Hola, todo!

Wow, head off to Mexico and look what happens in my absence! First off, a huge thank you to everyone who gave of their time to crotique my story. Unimaginable gratitude, as well as some terrific ideas for improvement.

I especially like changing the reference from ¨he¨ to ¨He¨ to differentiate in awkward passages. Should´ve thought of that.

I was VERY surprised by the assumption that the mailman was a major character. Sorry, folks.

I was also surprised by the lack of commentary on Beth´s penchant for serious fantasy. I thought that was rather unusual when expressed explicitly and repeatedly, but it IS a very important character trait of hers. For those who have read Chapter 2, it is her strong self-projection into obvious fantasy that I wanted the reader to get out of it. As well as blatant, hot, naughty sex. o) I wasn´t sure how disruptive to the story flow it would be; logically, it IS a total change of pace, but I thought it was credible enough to pass muster. Agree that it would make a good story as is, but I´m not ambitious enough to tackle another project right now.

Thank you, everyone, for answering my questions and that pesky remnant of doubt. You are terrific. Go enjoy Chapter 2, while you´re at it. o)

 

[Jocund Day]

"You know the thing about a shark, he's got... lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eye. When he comes at ya, doesn't seem to be livin'. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white. And then, ah then you hear that terrible high pitch screamin' and the ocean turns red and spite of all the poundin' and the hollerin' they all come in and rip you to pieces." Quint, "JAWS," Screenplay by Peter Benchley and Carl Gottlieb

Aye, Quint. You know good dialogue if you took your sobriquet from the above masterpiece of cinematic storytelling. The U.S.S. Indianapolis scene. It absolutely made the movie. As far as I'm concerned it's the sole remaining reward for sitting through the dated rest. It lives still. If only either of us could write so well.


She stood, somehow managing to maintain the[an] upright position when all she
wanted to do was collapse. Three months ago! Three months and he'd said
nothing. "I can't believe it." She couldn't.[nice, separates character from narrator, almost poetic symmetry]

He shrugged uncomfortably. "You want to know why?" He paused, awaiting a
response she was incapable of providing.[juxtaposition of straightforward dialogue and formal editorial comment catches slightly] "It was so simple, really. That day, I
just looked at you and[…] felt nothing. No love. No hate. Just…[an]absence of feeling.
I didn't think it really meant anything…that time. But now I look back on it and I
know that I knew. It was over."[confusing, "that time," what time?, 'our time,' more exposition]

["]It was over.["] It sounded so unreal. Perhaps that was why she could remain
standing instead of in the tight, heartbroken ball[nice alliteration] that by all rights she should be
in-it didn't seem real! It wasn't real. She'd misheard him. She was imagining the
whole thing, from his shuffle into the room, not meeting her confused eyes, to
his sudden announcement that he was moving out. It was all a masochistic
daydream she'd invented for herself, not unlike so many of her others. It was
funny, really, how the mind could create such bizarre fancies. She laughed and
turned to share her amusement at her crazy brain with him-only to find he was
long since gone. She laughed even harder at that, until the tears started to
flow and she succumbed to that [some telling adjective here, blue-black, nauseating, undeniable] urge to collapse. [nice flow, I'm with ya.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * [If this is a series of diary entries it should either begin with an entry or be introduced explicitly as diary henceforth (a la Bridget Jones)]

Day 7.[too long, James Joyce's "Ulysses" is a 400 page novel about one 24 hour period] All of the friends had been notified and had sworn revenge, but that was
only satisfying for one night of castration plotting, far too temporary to heal.
Today she sat, listless and dry-eyed, staring at her bedroom wall. Though any
pictures that showed him or reminded her of him-all of them[redundant]-were removed,
along with more than a little paint from furious nail removal[confusing], [but] their images
remained imprinted in her mind.[:] [l]ast summer at some amusement park, which
ended up closing due to gross safety violations, where he'd tossed her,
shrieking in laughter, over his shoulder; Christmas at his parents' place with
both of them, snuggling and smiling broadly, on the couch (he was wearing a
Santa hat in that one, she remembered); a candid shot of him yelling to one of
his friends from their apartment door. She knew them all by heart, or whatever
was left in its place now.[nice] She heard a loud knock, and it suddenly occurred to
her that she'd been hearing it for quite some time now.[nice] She wished it would go
away; it didn't. Silent prayers didn't work. Cursing didn't work. Finally, she just
gave up and went to the front door.

"This had better be damned good," she muttered as she stumbled across the
living room. Perhaps it was him! She envisioned opening the door to find him, on
his knees, crying, and repentant. He'd admit that he had no idea what he was
saying, could she ever forgive him? He would, of course, be carrying conciliatory
roses and strawberries, sweep her off her feet and up to her room, lay her on
the bed, and proceed to make tender love to her. A sudden surge to her loins
especially anticipated[awk] that part. Almost eager now, she opened the door. A
package deliveryman gawked at her. Great.[nice flow here]

"B-Beth Leason?" he stammered.

"Yes, that's me," she sighed, suddenly losing interest and energy again. He held
a clipboard out to her with a paper for her signature, which she provided
halfheartedly[no,no,no, the adverb is not your friend, with very rare exception it marks your work as that of an amateur]. As she signed, Beth noticed the deliveryman's sidelong glances at
her, which puzzled her until she glanced down at herself. All she was wearing
was a very old tee shirt of the band he used to be the bass player in; it barely
made it past her curvy hips. Her very pale legs protruded almost obscenely[obscene would be a flash of bush, is that what you mean?].
That combined with her uncombed, limp brown hair and her rather distinctive
body odor made for a very interesting display indeed. Sighing in disgust, Beth
grabbed the package and spun back inside her living room, slamming the door
behind her.

Throwing the box down without a thought, she [almost,cut] raced upstairs to the
bathroom. 'What the hell was I thinking? I don't remember having bathed once
since we broke up!' she chastised herself furiously[see above] as the bath water ran. She
tore the shirt off her body in her haste to be clean. The water was almost
scalding on her skin as she slipped her legs into the tub, but she didn't care in
the least. Beth very gingerly lowered into the water, hissing a little as it passed
her waist. 'Well, maybe I do care,' she thought wryly. Still, the pain was
welcome after all the apathy she'd been "feeling" for the past seven days.

She sat, almost purring, feeling every muscle relax under the intense heat. For
the moment, all her anguish was forgotten, lost to the sensual pleasure of the
moment. Reality intruded only far enough to remind Beth that dirt needed to be
scrubbed, not just soaked. She grabbed her sponge, drizzled some strawberry
body wash onto it, and proceeded to lather herself up. Holding her hair up with
one hand, she ran the sponge from one side of her neck to the other. She
sighed at the pleasant tingly sensation and closed her eyes, letting her mind
drift. In her imagination, he was behind her, holding the sponge, rubbing it
across her neck, her chest.

[nice transition]He held the sponge suspended above one of her perky breasts and squeezed,
letting suds slide down over her nipple. She moaned a little at the feeling, and,
encouraged, he let the sponge itself drift across the same nipple. It immediately
came to attention, pleading for more touches. He repeated the stroking motion
until she was sobbing in pleasure, feeling her own moisture beginning to flow
into the bathwater, and then he switched to the other nipple. 'Please,' she
begged him, but he only smiled and continued his sweet torture. [very nice, as this sex act has timing and focus, so now does your narrative]

Beth felt her level of desire rise until she was panting, writhing under the
sponge's ministrations. Her stomach clenched and her hips unconsciously began
thrusting toward the cock she wished were in front of her. Sensing her distress,
he took pity on her and reached the hand not holding the sponge down
between her legs. He teased her thighs for a moment, but she growled
impatiently and he swiftly brought his fingers up to her pussy.[nice, growling is in complete character] Instantly she
moaned and felt a flood of arousal seep out of her pussy, which felt like it was
on fire. His fingers stroked her clit softly but insistently, applying as little
pressure as possible while maintaining full sensation. She bit her lip and whined;
it was so teasing and she wanted to come so badly.[building, tension, drama, will she come, when, how, yes, oui, si]

Slowly, while still circling her clit with his thumb, he inserted the tip of his index
finger into her slick pussy, setting off a new series of nerves. She tossed her
head back and moaned loudly. Never letting up a bit, he continued his triple
assault: the rough sponge on her nipples, his teasing thumb on her clit, and his
finger in her pussy. He now added another finger and pushed them in a little
deeper. In her hyper-sensitive state, she felt rather than heard water sloshing
out of the tub as she thrashed around.[nice] She was so close to coming. She
pushed herself against his fingers, wanting it hard, wanting to come, begging to
come. The feeling built beyond physical capacity; she inhaled sharply, screamed
her release, thrusting her body against the fingers, the sponge, coming so hard
she couldn't see. [too abrupt, more here, 'slowly' is not enough] Slowly, she came down. And came back to reality.

The first moment was hell. The fantasy, like always, was so realistic that she
almost had convinced herself of its reality, and now that it was over, she was
left alone again. Her instinctive reaction was to sob hysterically, but a few deep
breaths and she calmed that instinct down.[nice, real] Gently she stroked her sides,
hugging herself, consoling herself. 'It will pass. It will pass.' Eventually, it almost
did. Beth had learned something, though: the past seven days had been a
waste of life[set this up in your opening]. She knew now that she had to accept his loss and adjust to it.
Now that she had regained sensation, she also knew that she could do it.




1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with.
none

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid?
some, in first scene, her call/his reply, the fact that he is not present in the flesh is unclear

3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?
yes, dialogue *is* the story, you do it very well, do it more often

4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl.
sensitive but hardened, young of heart but growing older rapidly, overly fond of the "soul-mate' myth, reluctant to admit impediment to the power of love, about five foot three with translucent skin and phenomenally responsive nipples, and in possession of the coarsest, blackest, thickest nest of pubic hair imaginable, un-biddable, un-governable, like a riot in the crotch...but I digress

5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well?
depends upon where your going, a good start, I think

6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any?
of course, they haven't really done it yet, have they?

JD

 

[Idle_Hands]

some notes

Wow, Quint, I am very impressed. Even with the higher-than-average level of quality that one finds on Lit, your first chapter stands above the rest. The story flows nicely, the character feels real, the exposition is not forced. All I can come up with is a quibble, really.

I think you may be sprinkling the commas in a bit too liberally. I don't claim at all to be an expert grammar and punctuation, but some of the sentences seem to have their rythym broken by lots of commas. For example:

"Last summer at some amusement park, which ended up closing due to gross safety violations, where he'd tossed her, shrieking in laughter, over his shoulder. Christmas at his parents' place, with both of them, snuggling and smiling broadly, on the couch."

With fewer commas:

"Last summer at some amusement park which ended up closing due to gross safety violations, where he'd tossed her, shrieking in laughter, over his shoulder. Christmas at his parents' place with both of them snuggling and smiling broadly on the couch."

To my ear, the second reads much more smoothly.

To your points:
1.) Overuse of specific words.
I see no problem here.

2.) Confusion in "what's happening when."
Definitely a mongoloid.

3.) Lack of dialogue.
Dialog? This chapter doesn't call for it. One thing dialog does is enforce paragraph breaks, which I find are more important in on-screen reading than the page. You might look at that. Maybe not.

4.) Characterization.
We haven't learned a whole lot about her yet, except that she's devastated by being dumped. That gets portrayed quite well, though. By the end, we're ready for her to get up and snap out of it, which she does well.

5.) Exposition.
Like I said, this is well done.

6.) Interest in Chapter 2.
I have to say that I didn't think about that. This may be something that could use a bit of help. Perhaps it goes into character development. If we knew some of her wants, desires and interests, we might imagine what comes next.

All in all, not much to complain about. I always enjoy imagining a woman in the bath pleasing herself.

-ih

 

[ronde]

My overall impression is that this story is well done from the standpoints of plot and actions. The first paragraph piqued my interest, and I wanted to read further to understand. The rest of the story did not dissappoint me.

As for your questions:

1. Overuse of words - there were a few paragraphs where most sentences started with or contained "she", but in others the actions or thoughts can be understood to be by "she" even though that word is not used. I didn't get the usual "choppy sentence" feeling that usually accompanies writing with repetitive nouns. I think this is because you did break up the paragraph with other descriptions of her feelings.

2. Confusion as to what's happening when - there was one place that caused me to do a second read. The subchapter heading of "Day 7" caused me to go back to see how I had missed days 1 through 6. I knew what you meant, I just thought I had missed something.

3. Lack of dialogue - This story is full of dialogue; it's just not spoken dialogue. Because there is one person present for most of the story, all of the narration is really her dialogue. I interpret most of it as silent thought, and I felt I was privy to her personal thoughts throughout most of the story.

4. How do I see your main girl? - I see her as a woman going through the world happy as a lark, who then watches her life, or at least what she thinks is her life, crumble around her in a few moments of time. The shock is stressful and she retreats within herself for several days, not with the intention of recovering, but with the intention of trying to understand. I didn't think she got past remembering her old life, until shaken up by the mailman. The change after his delivery seemed a little rapid to me, since one minute she was sobbing in her pillow,and after a quick fantasy in the tub, just knew she was going to be all right. If this was the prologue to a second chapter, it might have been better to leave her ready to start getting better instead of writing her having the revelation that she had to get on with her life. I don't think it usually happens that fast.

5. Does it set the reader up for a second chapter? - Up until the last paragraph, it has many possibilities for continuance, but the ending is rather final. I don't know what she would do next. Perhaps I should read Ch.2 and find out.

6. Would I be interested in another chapter - As I stated above, the ending seemed pretty final to me, so I probably wouldn't look for the next chapter unless I knew it was coming. Each chapter needs an introduction, a "hook line" if you will, to draw the reader into the next. The exceptions to this are works in which the actions of different characters take place in alternating chapters up until the one in which they meet. Even in these, the end of one chapter leaves the reader wondering what is going to happen next. I didn't have this feeling with this story.

Although the story is well written, and I enjoyed your description of the bathtub scene a lot, a couple of things did bother me.

One is the use of the hyphen in the middle of sentences. I confess that I don't know if this is or is not correct, but I would have substituted a colon or comma. Perhaps there are others who know the correct usage of the hyphen. I usually use it only to denote quickly interrupted speech.

The other was one sentence that still remains a mystery to me.

"Though any pictures that showed him or reminded her of him—all of them—were removed, along with more than a little paint from furious nail removal, their images remained imprinted in her mind. "

What does the statement about paint from furious nail removal mean? It sounds like she removed her fingernails, but this would seem to take grieving to the extreme. As I write this, I think I understand that the paint is (was) on the wall and was removed when she pulled the nails, but this could have been written more clearly.

This was a nice work. I would have liked to know more about what went on during those other six days, and if she had gradually progressed out of the doldrums over that time, the ending would have been a little more believable.

 

[bridgeburner]

Feedback for Quint: Sweet Salvation Ch. 1

<b>1.) Overuse of specific words. This was one of the few things I got in feedback. See what you turn up with. </b>

I didn’t notice over-repetition of words with one, nit-picky exception:

<I> thrusting her body against the fingers, the sponge, coming so hard she couldn't see. Slowly, she came down. And came back to reality. </I>

She comes. Then she comes down and then she comes back. Otherwise, nothing jumped out at me. You do develop something of a “rhythm” with your descriptors-----prepositional phrases and clauses---- in the photograph section, but if someone doesn’t like it that’s just personal taste. The only one I had a problem with was the phrase about the amusement park being closed down. It seemed like an unneeded phrase in a long sentence. If the closing of the amusement park is meant to be metaphorical then perhaps giving it a sentence all its own following the description of the picture would be more effective.

<b>2.) Confusion in "what's happening when." Is this too noticeable, or was the person who gave me this tip a mongoloid? </b>

"March 28th" is the answer the ex gives to her question of "When did you decide to leave me?", or something to that effect, right? I didn't get it until I'd begun to read the story for the second time and then had to re-read the first paragraph---which is actually the second paragraph if "March 28th" is dialogue--- two more times before I figured it out. So, yeah, this is confusing, but easily fixed.

The 3rd real paragraph gets a bit muddled. We've been in the "right now" with the lovers as he tells her he's leaving. There's nothing to say that paragraph 3 isn't just a continuation of Beth's thoughts "right now", until we get to:

<i>She laughed and turned to share her amusement at her crazy brain with him—only to find he was long since gone.</i>

So she's been standing there thinking all these thoughts in total shock for a significant amount of time not realizing he's packed all his things and left the house? Or is she flashing back to the breakup conversation?
I've got a suggestion that would fix this, but I'll get to it farther down. For now my answer is: Yes, the time is confusing but only in the first section. The rest of the story doesn't have any problems of this nature.

<b>3.) Lack of dialogue. This is essentially a one-person piece, so dialogue doesn't really happen. Does this damage the story?</b>

I didn't feel a need for more dialogue---you could either add subtract dialogue without harming your story. It's not a question of damage or improvement but only of shifting tactics. I think the one you've chosen is fine. This is Beth's story, it takes place in her headspace and the dialogue is appropriate to that.

<b>4.) Characterization. Tell me how you see my main girl. </b>

Not as clearly as I'd like to---even at this early stage. She has a lot of emotions about things, which I find very realistic, but she doesn't have much interior monologue. We don't know what she thinks about how she feels. How is she different from any other woman whose lover has left her flat? She's been wallowing in a numb stupor for a week and that's fine, but why does it bother her for the deliveryman to see her in this state? I'll go out on a limb here and assume that she couldn't give a rat's ass what the delivery guy thinks, what shocks her out of her stupor is that she's not usually a slovenly, self-pitying wreck of a human being and seeing what she's allowed herself to become galvanizes her to change it.

But the first thing she does is sigh. She's either shocked by her state or she's not. If she's shocked then sighing doesn't fit very well. It certainly doesn't lead to running frantically up the stairs to take an immediate bath.

<i>'What the hell was I thinking? I don't remember having bathed once since we broke up!' she chastised herself furiously as the bath water ran. </i>

Is she really upset about her personal hygiene or is she upset about the implications of its lack? The words themselves are strange. "What was I thinking?" well, she wasn't. This wasn't a conscious choice and she knows it. It's the loss of control that's scary. What's wrong with her? What's become of her? What has she done----all give the same idea without the subtext of having made an intentional choice about not bathing. The second sentence is constructed like dialogue to another person so it seems unnatural. More likely she thinks "Have I really not bathed in a week?". She doesn't need to say to herself that she doesn't remember. If she can't remember bathing since the breakup the important thing is the not bathing, not the faulty memory.

All in all, I like this character, but I need to know more about her and the lack of consistency in some of her actions leads me to believe that you have ideas about her which are important that you haven’t shared with us.


Before I move to #5 I wanted to offer a suggestion:

You might address several issues at once with a bit of re-structuring. Rather than opening with the argument, you might open with Beth looking at the wall where the pictures have been removed. She’s already reminiscing over the photos, it would be quite easy to cradle the breakup here in a flashback. It would eliminate the timing/sequence confusion and allow for a bit of introspection to better let us inside Beth’s head.

<b>5.) Exposition. Chapter 1 is "prologue" if anything; does it do its job of "setting things up" TOO well? </b>

I’d have to say, no. All I really know is that this girl had a bad break up and now she’s coming out of it. I’ve got no idea where the story might go from here or even if it’s supposed to go somewhere. As far as setting up a back-story, I still don’t know much about the relationship that’s just ended. I have no idea why Beth was in love with her ex. How long they were together, what exactly their relationship was and why it was special to her. Did she expect to spend the rest of her life with this man? I don’t need a day by day account of the whole thing but I need to know what about this relationship ending would put Beth in a near coma for over a week. Not all breakups do this. In fact, most breakups don’t, so I need more insight into Beth.

<b>6.) Interest in Chapter 2. Is there any? </b>

Yes, because I’m interested in your efforts and yes, because you say there’s more to come. I think this chapter could easily stand alone, but I’m happy to read more. It doesn’t quite <I>compel</I> me to read more, but if I happened upon a book and this was the first chapter I’d certainly keep reading.


The only other thing that stood out as ‘off’ was the beginning of the deliveryman scene. Nobody knocks forever unless they know you’re home and they want to see you. Deliverymen don’t do this. They don’t care. Additionally, it seems strange for a woman who’s been so distraught she hasn’t bathed or spoken to her friends in a week to open the door on a whim. You provide the perfect reasoning, however, with her hope that it might be <i>HIM</i>. If, at the first knock, she thinks it might be <i>HIM</i> , then you avoid the awkward motive problem as well as the conflicting emotional signals problem that arise when the zombie-fied Beth makes incongruously wise-ass remarks under her breath, “This better be good!”. Why? Was she busy? If she was busy then why is she answering the door? She isn’t bathing. She isn’t leaving the house. She hasn’t seen anyone in days. She’s deeply depressed. There’s no reason for her to open the door. Her misery is far more important...unless it’s <i>HIM</i>.

Alright, I've babbled on far too long, but that's my ha'penny's worth. (Yes, I'm the cut-rate critic)

I see that the second chapter is up now so I'm off to read!

-b