5 years can it be saved?

[remy_lebeau8]

About a month ago I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. Over the past month we separated for a few days before deciding to try and work it out. Over the past month we seem to have good days and bad days. I'm beginning to feel like I might be wasting my time. is it possible to save this relationship? Had she not come to me crying saying how she fucked up, and had we not been together so long I would have kicked her ass to the curb and not thought twice, but I really want to make this work. I love her dearly and it was her idea to try to work through it. Should we try couples counseling and does anyone know on average what it costs. I don't know if my insurance covers it. I don't know right now what would be worse, loosing her or worrying constantly that I'm going to get hurt again. I thought I could get through this but it just keeps getting harder and harder. I think she's sincere when she says it'll never happen again but one day she wants to be close the next she's kind of distant. I just don't know how to begin trusting her again and it makes me doubt every decision I make. Am I being foolish or is it worth a shot?

Remy

 

[BertrandRussell]

Why did she tell you? Were you going to find out eventually, or would it have remained hidden if she hadn't told you?

If she could have permanently concealed it, but told you anyway, I'd say that she really wants to be fully honest with you, and I'd keep her.

 

[viper2000]

Get out. I had a gf cheat after 3.5 years we tried to patch it up but it ended less then a terrible year later.

 

[sunandshadow]

A relationship that has stayed in the girlfriend/boyfriend stage for 5 years without moving on to an engagement is often a bad sign anyway.

 

[culloden]

No one can answer this question for you because we all bring our own baggage with us, and judge your situation in light of our experiences.

I think it was in Dear Abby that came up with this. Ask yourself, "Am I better with her or without her?" You may find it helpful to write up and compare a list of pros and cons about the relationship.

The only advice I would offer is that whatever you decide, follow through wholeheartedly. Life is too short to fuck around.

 

[ecclectic]

You'll often find yourself questioning if she's doing it again. Every time she goes out without you, you'll wonder.
If you think you can deal with that, go for it and try to make it work.

 

[Fmature2play]

Dear I am going to give you my advice and you can take it for what it's worth: Men and women usually stray for different reasons. Men cheat for sex most of the time. It more often than not means little to a man other than fulfilling a physical urge. When a woman strays from a long term relationship......red flag. Big red flag. Women normally stray for emotional not physical reasons. We are looking to fulfill an emotional need and to get to that point often we have crossed a line that sometimes cannot be undone without a lot of soul searching. Normally we don't cheat to fill a physical need. I am not trying to belittle you or hurt you but that's usually the case. She may still love you but unless you two can get to the core issue of why she cheated. And I mean really get it out in the open....the damage is a lot worse than the surface will show. Good luck to you both.

 

[subwannabe]

Tough call. I would at least try counseling and see what happens. Insurance and cost have many variables but I still think one session anyway is worth the cost even if Insurance doesn't pay. You can make it work, but:

1. You will always wonder if she is going to do it again. That will never go away.

2. You are going to have to get a straight answer as to what caused this in the first place (refer to post#7, which has really great insight). This is not going to be easy since there is a chance that she doesn't even know herself but you really have to get to the root cause. Weeds always grow back if you don't get to the root.

 

[aniowachick]

I am married to the man of my dreams, the father of my third child. We had many ups and downs over the years but now very stable and very much in love.

I cheated on him. It was a blow to him, the man loves me sooo deeply and so much. I tried to figure out why I did it, and the only thing we came up with was his drinking out with his best buddy, every night. I missed him and felt no attention or anything whatsoever. Another man popped up and showered me with interest.. and love. I had strong friendship with him that eventually developed feelings I shouldnt have had. We were intimate once... but I couldnt shake the guilt. I thought about hiding it and not telling him in order to not hurt him, but his friend had moved away and you could see he was trying so hard to stay with me.

I broke down and confessed, not to free my mind, but to open the relationship up to honesty and how could he ever trust me if he found out on his own?

For a while it was tough, he would break down at odd times, when he messed up the paint in the bathroom etc feeling he wasn't the man I wanted or needed. It was hard to see, and I felt terrible about it but I realized it was not MY feelings anymore that mattered, I fucked up and if I wanted to be with him, I needed to do what it took to earn his trust again. So I listened, held him and even told him where I was going and when.

Eventually he quit asking when I would forget to tell him and over supper, I would tell him my days events etc. He learned how to give me the love and nurturing I needed, and I learned how to communicate my feelings to him. If I ever feel ignored or left out, I tell him.


I think we could benefit from counseling still, but we are healing well and so much in love. The spark we once had is back and I get at least 3 texts a day telling me how he loves me... and I truly, truly love him..


It is worth a shot if you really love her, but it is a hard road to recovery

 

[remy_lebeau8]

To Fmature2play, you're right. After all this time she said she felt like I didn't really care to much anymore. I had been working a lot of hours the past year(6-7 days 60 hrs a week) so I wasn't home much. She felt like I never wanted to marry her when I had planned to propose this summer. She was saying with me not there as much that this other guy filled the void emotionally, and the rest just happend. The only think I don't know is how may times.

I don't think she could have hid it for long, I guess it was only a few months that it lasted. After she told me I left and didn't come home for a few days. When I did she told me she wanted to work things out and let me delete people from her phone and facebook. I'm just not sure what I want now I guess.


Thank you everyone for your comments I didn't think there would be any that were positive.

Remy

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

About a month ago I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. Over the past month we separated for a few days before deciding to try and work it out. Over the past month we seem to have good days and bad days. I'm beginning to feel like I might be wasting my time. is it possible to save this relationship? Had she not come to me crying saying how she fucked up, and had we not been together so long I would have kicked her ass to the curb and not thought twice, but I really want to make this work. I love her dearly and it was her idea to try to work through it. Should we try couples counseling and does anyone know on average what it costs. I don't know if my insurance covers it. I don't know right now what would be worse, loosing her or worrying constantly that I'm going to get hurt again. I thought I could get through this but it just keeps getting harder and harder. I think she's sincere when she says it'll never happen again but one day she wants to be close the next she's kind of distant. I just don't know how to begin trusting her again and it makes me doubt every decision I make. Am I being foolish or is it worth a shot?

Remy

Of course you are going to get hurt again; life is full of knocks and bruises. But if you love her, get over you anger and get on with the relationship. There is no guaranty that you won't cheat on her someday. Life is not always fair, but if you have found someone that you can truly love, (and truly loves you), then nothing else matters.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

she said she felt like I didn't really care to much anymore. I had been working a lot of hours the past year(6-7 days 60 hrs a week) so I wasn't home much.

No offense, but what did you expect her to do, sit home and be lonely? If a man, (any man), does not give his lady the time and affection she needs, she will stray. So maybe you carry a little of the blame too.

 

[Fmature2play]

Remy I have walked in your shoes and I chose divorce after 19 years of marriage. My trust was so shattered that I simply could not look at the man the same way. Ours was no bed of roses but I was shaken off my footing when I found out. Does that mean you have to walk away? Absolutely not. Because you spent years building a career did it give her the right to cheat? absolutely not. But it happens and you will give it hours and hours of thought and make the best decision you can make. As others have stated, counseling may be a good option. My next question is aimed at you dear. What brought you to Lit? I doubt it was for relationship counseling. My guess is your relationship has been sour for a while no? Maybe it has been over for a while and you two simply didn't know how to tell the other one?

 

[remy_lebeau8]

I work in the auto industry there was a boom and all the ot was mandatory. I cut back to 40 to 48 hrs a week now. Yes I know I should have been home more but I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't even know we were having problems because she never told me when she was unhappy she was always cheerful. When she started telling me there were problems I did my best to correct them. I guess its worse when you're in the mindset that this will never happen to me...

Remy

 

[Fmature2play]

ummm pumpkin, you still haven't mentioned why you are on Lit in the first place. You have been a member for almost a year now.......there is something you are looking for as well yes?

 

[remy_lebeau8]

Damn I didn't realize I had been surfing lit that long. Actually I found lit through google but I don't remember the search. I signed up to see some of the images people post. I'm here mostly for the stories and non sexual related threads believe it or not. I posted quite a few pictures in the non erotic photo thread. We did get into a big fight a few months back over me not quitting smoking when she thought I did (I hadn't had a smoke in a month at that point she thought I had quit a few months earlier) but other then that fights rarely happened. I think we had bad communication and we have been trying to work that part out

Remy

 

[Fmature2play]

same as me. I buy playboy and tell the clerk it's for my husband so she doesn't think I am weird.....and I just read it for the meatloaf recipes.

 

[Nasty_Deeds]

I work in the auto industry there was a boom and all the ot was mandatory. I cut back to 40 to 48 hrs a week now. Yes I know I should have been home more but I didn't have much of a choice. I didn't even know we were having problems because she never told me when she was unhappy she was always cheerful. When she started telling me there were problems I did my best to correct them. I guess its worse when you're in the mindset that this will never happen to me...

Remy

I understand and I truly do sympathize with you; I have been there myself. But you have to understand, women are not like us emotionally, in a relationship, they need attention and affection. Sex maybe why they give us the time of day in the first place, but attention and affection is why they stay with us. As far as your job, I understand; when the job calls, you have to step up, but you also have to find a way to balance your career and your relationship with your lady.

But your question is how to get past this. You’re hurt; you feel betrayed, and that is tough to deal with; however, to get past this, you are going to have to accept some of the blame too. It's not all her fault. The first step to healing is accepting your share of the responsibility for what went wrong. A woman will tolerate almost anything from her man, except being left alone.

 

[remy_lebeau8]

Lol thanks that's the first laugh I've had all week. I needed it.

Remy

 

[roomfor1more]

Do not waste your money on couple's counselling and since you are not married insurance may not cover it. Instead use the money for a vacation or a big ticket purchase. My own personal feeling, granted you have time invested into this relationship but her cheating maybe a sign that she is looking for a way to get out of the relationship. Maybe it is time to consider moving on and finding someone else?