5·August·2007 · "After the Storm" · unapologetic

[Lauren Hynde]

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

 

[twelveoone]

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

Before the breaks....in reality, you do not have a babbling brook and a storm current in the same place at the same time. As an metaphor or whatever you call them things, yes it is transparent and yes it is a rather clichéd string of them. Focus on the bridge, instead, that is where the you are, the knots the splinters, the crossing, etc.
It's tough to do a good river, because everyone did already.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Transparent? No, I don't think so. Just clear in my opinion.

I don't know about using both 'cliché' and 'predictable' so closely together. It seems somewhat redundant to me.

As for the line breaks, here's my take on it at the moment

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet
The stream
slips swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet,
though predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

I'd also use a lower case 'o' in "on this bridge", and change the final period to a question mark.

 

[manipulatrix]

......

 

[Sapphire_O]

I think that starting out with the cliched image is weak and will lose a lot of reader-interest immediately. Instead, consider leading with:

a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.

That section is the best because it says something new and fresh. It turn the expectations of the brook imagery around by calling them predicable. If that were the beginning, I would be more inclined to read the poem and would trust that the poet was really going to say something, rather than just describing a stream-side scene.

 

[twelveoone]

End of the line

since the authour asked about line breaks;
The end of the line is detemined by the pattern you are setting up.
Well written essay here

There is a fourth, the line end is deteremined by what is said in a breath. I don't know if Charles Olson invented the concept

Now if you want to ignore all of that, you can. The end of line can be used as a very cheap way to make the rhyme, but that is not good poetry. It also can be used as a form of embedding other messages, think of it as an Acrostic only with words and at the other end of the line.

Most commonly the line end is often broken down into two kinds, the end stop, and enjambment

End stopping's main advantage is that it also tends to end on a breath (sentence, phase) and will give a song like quality that enables most people that don't know poetry to recognise it as such.
Enjambment is diffucult to master. Done well it can add an elements of extra meaning (embedding by forcing the reader to focus on important words, ambiguity by giving the reader a choice as to what the meaning really is).

Back to endstopping, ending on a clause, can be the best of both worlds, Yeats was a master of this, go read him.
Some examples are provided on some of the web pages, and you should read Yeats. If you expect other people to read what you write with anything besides voyeurism, invest the time in learning the craft.

And you may want to invest in this:

And let me know what you think about it, I haven't read it yet.

 

[wildsweetone]

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

is there a reason you went from 'I' to 'we'?

when i think of 'stream' or 'babbling brook' i don't think of storm swollen currents. i.e. i'm getting conflicting imagery from your words.

are you trying to say that the LS' life together is cliche, sweet and predictable? i think if that's the case then it might work better to choose just one of the images above and expand on it.

i think something else that might help would be to expand on the message you are telling the reader. what brought the lyrical subject to the point of sitting on the bridge above a storm swollen river to contemplate their relationship? are they both contemplating it, or is the turmoil (the whirlpool of thoughts) only going through one mind?

line breaks. for some reason i think that the lines you have here feel 'short'. i think it's that the extra words seem to slow down the read, but the short lines seem to speed it up. to me it doesn't quite 'feel' right.

does it make a difference to take out 'though predictable'?

if you're sitting on the bridge, then the relationship continues on in the same manner.
if you're being carried away in the storm swollen current, then the relationship still continues on but with outside forces tossing it about. is this what you intend the reader to understand?

Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.

the words 'who' and more importantly, 'or' lead me to think there is going to be a different alternative to the relationship.

okay, those were just some of my thoughts. i hope something in here is useful to you. use whatever feels right for you. thanks for giving me food for thought.

 

[wildsweetone]

Before the breaks....in reality, you do not have a babbling brook and a storm current in the same place at the same time. As an metaphor or whatever you call them things, yes it is transparent and yes it is a rather clichéd string of them. Focus on the bridge, instead, that is where the you are, the knots the splinters, the crossing, etc.
It's tough to do a good river, because everyone did already.

i think it's tough to do a good bridge too, but well worth trying.

 

[unapologetic]

Thank you thank you thank you. I think I was trying to stick to water metaphors, and ended up mixing them. I'll try rewriting this with all of the wonderful advice here in mind, probably this weekend, and repost the result.

 

[lorencino]

I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

Thanks!

Please forgive my presumptuous impulse to respond in this way, but I had fun with your words, juggling to understand the meaning. I realize that the following may be at complete odds with what you meant, but here is the result of my treating your poem as a jigsaw puzzle:


I watch
the water beneath our feet, streaming swiftly
slip away, and carry this cliché, a babbling brook
sweetly sings songs predictable.
Who can say if we should sit contemplating on this bridge
or, looking over the edge, let the swollen storm-current,
carry us away.


Hopefully it is of some use to you. Otherwise, never mind me, I'm just playing in the sandbox.

 

[unpredictablebijou]

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

My thought so far is this:

Take out the first line altogether and re-punctuate:

Beneath our feet
the stream slips...


Here's why. As a reader, do you want me to watch you, or do you want me to see the water? If you want me to see the water, open with a shot of the water, and narrate a thought to me while I'm looking at it. Tell me what it looks like. I can put myself in there watching the water that way, and I think maybe that's more the point - you'd like me to sit there with you and see what you see.

tuppence, mine. Nice work.

bijou

 

[DeepAsleep]

After the Storm​

I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

The rule I use with line breaks (And it's, admittedly, something of a 'hard and fast' rule - but, consider the source: I write hard and fast. Technique sometimes loses to raw... whatever, with me. Which is why I sometimes avoid critique...anyway, my rule runs, thusly:

Can I (no, not always, I'm still not as good at this as I want to be) create a line that is a complete thought, or that would stand on its own if you took the rest of the poem out? Failing that, can I break a line so that it creates ambiguity, or tension? If I break a line how I want to, in order to create the right idea, do I need to change some of the words to heighten the effect I'm going after? With that in mind, here are some opinions, and then because I'm an ass, I'm going to rewrite the whole thing, which is the only way I know how to illustrate my editing standpoint, or really give you my opinion about how poetry works in my head - which is part of the point of asking, no?



I watch the water(I agree with the above statement that this line should go. The next line implies you, and the line after that leads the image towards looking down at the water. Axe.)
beneath our feet. (I think, PERSONALLY, that feet are ugly)
The stream slips
swiftly away, ("Swiftly" isn't the best word, here. What, in your head, is swift? Is the stream slipping cheetah under your feet? Or what's an idea that you consider fast? "Time"? Do you need, actually, to say that it's slipping swiftly away? And why are streams always slipping? Banana peels? Come, come, out of that box!)
and this cliché,
a babbling brook, (Hmm. The line before this makes the reader think that the brook is a cliche' - when it doesn't have to be, if you do it just right. You're putting your opinion about poetry into the poem. "Poet, shut up and poet." PS - why, 'babbling'? If you're trying to surpass a cliche', don't use another cliche' to illustrate your point, unless, again, you intended to comment on poetry. Which I don't think that you did.)
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs. (I like sweet, though predictable, but it's a garnish. Meat, baby. Bring me meat.)
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge, (<---pay attention to little details. I screw this up all the time.)
looking over the edge, ("Looking over the edge"? Really? You can do better.)
or let the storm swollen (Swollen? Like a sprained ankle, or an erect penis?)
current carry us away.(Hmm. your question loses some significance, with a period.)

Witness, my bludgeon!:


Beneath,
the stream slips,
swiftly babbling sweet,
if predictable, songs.

Who can say if we should,
looking over the edge,
let the storm current
carry us away?


What I mean is: Trim your fat.

~R

 

[SweetMerry]

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

Let me preface this with saying I have no formal training (other than a World Lit class taken nearly ten years ago) so, I'm just going with my gut here.

I like the attempt to convey the status of the relationship through the nature of the water. I see that the babbling brook is the present. Nice, comfortable, safe, but not very passionate.

I'm a little confused as to what the current represents, though. The violent image of "storm swollen" suggests to me a determined, conscious decision to make a deeper connection (with the all the emotional work that entails.) But, if you just "let" the surge wash you away, it's as if you have given up your free will. You both are willing to just stand there and let the mundania of the relationship tear you apart. A "this is not working because we've just grown apart and there's nothing we can do about it" type of feeling.

As for line breaks? I struggle with this, too, so I'm probably not the best one to answer.

 

[average gina]

You guys rock!

After the Storm
by unapologetic


I watch the water
beneath our feet.
The stream slips
swiftly away,
and this cliché,
a babbling brook,
sings sweet, though
predictable, songs.
Who can say if we should sit
On this bridge,
looking over the edge,
or let the storm swollen
current carry us away.​

Author's notes:
I'm especially looking for help with line breaks, but any assistance will be appreciated. Also, is it too transparent? Can you tell what I'm really trying to say?

If there's one person's opinion you should look at last, it's mine. I'm not saying that to be self-deprecating, either. Such as it is, here is my two cents:

More than one person has told me (and I've gotten kind of in the habit myself) to avoid using adverbs in poetry unless there is absolutely no other way to get one's intent across.

As far as line breaks, I just do what I feel, try a break before that word, try the break after that word, check the length with intent, then roll the dice. That said, the only screaming break that I would have changed is moving "sit" to the next line. I say this because there seems to be a choice and the second choice is defined, but the first choice is not made clear. With "sit" on that line, I anticipate the choice of where to sit, not what is the next move that should be made.

Who is with the speaker? The reader? A friend? A lover? Someone you want to dropkick over and make them babble?If there were a way to offer a smidgen of depth to the other person, the risk (that I see the speaker and the person next to the speaker taking) would have more value to it. (Geez, that sounded poeticky.)

Okay, now I'm going to say this: I am going to be thousands of dollars in debt and interest for going to college and not getting the same clarity that I've just witnessed with this post? Am I getting older or smarter? The input that was offered was amazing. What's really crazy to me is that I understood it!

Great critiquing, y'all. I'm taking notes. Seriously. Amazing insight. I'm blown away.

 

[average gina]

Seriously.

 

[RoniB]

shadow

 

[RaLaWrites]

I always appreciate stories with vivid imagery. This one had a lot of it.

I wish I could add more but I don't have the eye for critiquing poems yet.