4 page FMF story in need of editor

[Cream_me]

Hi everyone, I've written a story for a friend's birthday (this Saturday). I'd really like some feedback on it, if anyone is willing. I've never had an FMF experience and would like to hear from others - male and female - whether my fantasy rings at all true. In addition, as I generally write in a much more scientific or technical style, I would appreciate feedback on the writing style, as well.

Thank you.

 

[ontheroadforever]

Shoot me a PM...I'll give it a try.