4 new stories! Finally....

[Chimney Sweep]

Howdy!

I finally managed to grunt out a few more stories, nigh on 2 years
after my last ones. I must have 40 or 50 in process, half of which are
junk that will never be completed, but I'm feeling mighty accomplished
to have 4 new gems (or turds, you decide) for the world to enjoy.

Administrative Discipline is a mish-mash; black and Latina, old and
young, spanking and discipline. It was mainly done as an exercise to
see if I could write a decent story on a subject with which I have zero
experience. Let me know how I did.
Administrative Discipline

Gina's First Facial is just what it sounds like. Gina is my highly
modified but real-life college girlfriend and several of my stories
involve her to some degree.
Gina's First Facial

Adultery with the Sister-in-law is a tale about banging my wife's little sister. Don't
tell - she'd kill me.
Sister-in-law

Monica the MILF is a tale of two people in failing marriages looking for something
special. Of the four, I am most proud of this one.
Monica the MILF

I crave feedback like a crack-head craves the drug, so please please
pretty please read and vote. I'll return the favor! No, really! I will!

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I look at Monica the MILF.

I thought the opening paragraphs were good. A bit on the unbelievable side, but still, decent.

Then you launch into a long narrative that gives us way too much backstory, and it doesn't do anything to move the story forward. I was ready to backclick at this point. It wasn't needed, you basically told the same stuff, but in a more interesting manner at lunch. I thought that was the most interesting scene of the story, and the most real.

Most of the sex scene was a narrative again. I never felt like you really showed us the characters, almost like you were in a hurry to get them in bed.

I cringed at the use of "knee biter" to describe his child.

Don't use numbers, use the word. There are some exceptions, time, dates etc.

ps: You don't need to bother reading my work.

 

[Chimney Sweep]

I look at Monica the MILF.

I thought the opening paragraphs were good. A bit on the unbelievable side, but still, decent.

Why unbelievable? I thought it was fairly straight. I've smacked a few carts due to distraction in my day, though of course I didn't get laid from any of them. I had to speed it up a little for readability (and I apparently missed that mark a bit.)

Then you launch into a long narrative that gives us way too much backstory, and it doesn't do anything to move the story forward. I was ready to backclick at this point. It wasn't needed, you basically told the same stuff, but in a more interesting manner at lunch. I thought that was the most interesting scene of the story, and the most real.

I do chatter on - I know I need to work on that.

Most of the sex scene was a narrative again. I never felt like you really showed us the characters, almost like you were in a hurry to get them in bed.

I was trying to abbreviate my wordiness and make a few jumps in time to quicken it up. Perhaps I cut the wrong stuff and left in too much jibba jabba.

I cringed at the use of "knee biter" to describe his child.

Why was this an issue? Did it come across as rude or hateful toward the kid?

Don't use numbers, use the word. There are some exceptions, time, dates etc.

ps: You don't need to bother reading my work.

Many thanks for your words! I appreciate your time and wisdom.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Why unbelievable? I thought it was fairly straight. I've smacked a few carts due to distraction in my day, though of course I didn't get laid from any of them. I had to speed it up a little for readability (and I apparently missed that mark a bit.)

I do chatter on - I know I need to work on that.

I was trying to abbreviate my wordiness and make a few jumps in time to quicken it up. Perhaps I cut the wrong stuff and left in too much jibba jabba.

Why was this an issue? Did it come across as rude or hateful toward the kid?

Many thanks for your words! I appreciate your time and wisdom.

Yes, you smacked a few carts, made a phone call, went for lunch, and got laid. In less than 4000 words. It just seemed too cramped, too rushed. That's where the believability issue came in.

A good story will take it's own time. If it's good, the reader will follow you right along.

Well, children are people too, I just thought the use of "knee biter" was a bit on the disparaging side.

Time I have, wisdom, I'm not too sure about that.

 

[Louise_Loves]

Reply

Definitely not turds. But not diamonds.

Administrative Discipline:
The first time through, it felt like a decent story. There were a few things that drew my attention away from the story, but that's likely because I'm too fussy. Still, this is what I noticed:

- "drained of the strength and surety it normally wore". If she "wears" it then it isn't real. "drained of its normal strength" would indicate that it really is her, but this is so severe it has deserted her. You also use "normally" twice in the one sentence. Drop the first one.

- "His wire rimmed glasses did little to hide the anger and disappointment in his old, brown eyes" Glass usually does little to hide such things. Prescription eyeglases - especially strong ones that old people use - can magnify them, though.

- "His long brown fingers" - Brown? Why brown? You specify "black and latina" in your request but here he is brown. When the only other character is sur-named Sanchez, this makes me think he is latino as well. I didn't pick up on his ethnicity at all. I understand that many blacks aren't actually black but dark brown, but here it doesn't work to describe it that way.

- "boring in on her like weapons". There's something wrong with the comparison. If a thing is "boring in" it isn't "on" you but "into" you. "On" would indicate a surface interaction, "boring" indicates a burrowing or digging in. "Boring into" is better, but then "like weapons" isn't quite right. A club is a weapon but it can't bore. I'd say to let her "feel" them instead of "know" them. Get out of her head and into her body and emotions.

-"Her heart beat as if electrified" - well, a hard shock actually stops a heart (this is where my penchant for trivia always screws me). Why not drop "heart beat" since you're about to say her heart is breaking out of her chest? Then you could say "She jumped as if electrodes had jolted her body" or something like that.

-"demand struck her like a physical blow." - A bit blase - "a punch in the gut", "a slap in the face", "a kick in the groin" all have more impact. Details make the story.

- "Harrison crossed his arms across his chest." Double crosses there. How about "over his chest" or just "and waited."

- "The zipper fell, she undid the hook, and her grey skirt fell to the floor." Double fell. Zippers don't usually fall, anyway. "She pushed the zipper down, undid the hook" or something like that. Then the skirt falls - a passive action from her positive action.

- "She stepped up to the large wooden table and bent over, noticing the oddest things-- the grain on the wood, the smell of the polish, the uneven wear on the pen holder. She dared not think of what would come next." This is probably the best passage. The details draw in all of her senses (except taste).

- "stopped after 4 blows" Style error - spell out numbers.

- "He played her like an instrument" - A tuba maybe? Or a drum? More detail is better.

- "She fell to her knees" - seems a bit much. She's moving gingerly. "Sunk to her knees" is better.

- "pulling out the long black prick" Yeah, he's a real prick. Oh, you mean HIS long, black prick..

- "he pushed her tonsils aside" Sounds to me like he shoved his hand down her throat to get them out of the way. "His cock pushed past her tonsils" works or "He slamed his cock past her tonsils"

- "until her chin was covered in spit" This is the first time you mentioned spit. A rough face-fucking will bring it up with every stroke. Say so - more detail, remember? Just saying she gagged doesn't mean she had spit running down her face.

- "He spared no speed in mounting her from behind" He sprinted into her? "He mounted her quickly, not giving her time to brace her body" or something.

- "in moments he was wildly humping the girl" Sounded to me like he already was. I know you're stepping it up for the climax, but this made me think "Did I miss a break in the action?"

Two general notes about the story. First, although I like the twist ending, Tom seems to be well-spoken in the beginning for a janitor. Not that it can't happen, but keep him well-spoken in both roles. Second, why is she paying extra if she didn't even cum? Is part of her servitude that she is forbidden to do so (hint: I like this idea)?

A final note, this seems to be a recurring role-play for them. Give us a bit of a tease on the way out, "See you next week, Miss Sanchez - if you still have a job." or something.

I know this has been very full of nit-picking and negativity, but I did enjoy the story when I read it quickly. When I read it through the second time, paying much closer attention, I saw all of the things above. If I only saw it as it is, I probably wouldn't pay much attention to your other stories. If I got to see it after the little nits were picked, I just might mark you as a favorite.

You managed to use racial themes without being derogatory, which I applaud. The characters seem fairly real and believable. The dialogue helps move the story and is interspersed well.

I'll look over the others and let you know about them if you like. If I'm being too critical, please just say so.

L. Loves

Howdy!

I finally managed to grunt out a few more stories, nigh on 2 years
after my last ones. I must have 40 or 50 in process, half of which are
junk that will never be completed, but I'm feeling mighty accomplished
to have 4 new gems (or turds, you decide) for the world to enjoy.

Administrative Discipline is a mish-mash; black and Latina, old and
young, spanking and discipline. It was mainly done as an exercise to
see if I could write a decent story on a subject with which I have zero
experience. Let me know how I did.
Administrative Discipline

Gina's First Facial is just what it sounds like. Gina is my highly
modified but real-life college girlfriend and several of my stories
involve her to some degree.
Gina's First Facial

Adultery with the Sister-in-law is a tale about banging my wife's little sister. Don't
tell - she'd kill me.
Sister-in-law

Monica the MILF is a tale of two people in failing marriages looking for something
special. Of the four, I am most proud of this one.
Monica the MILF

I crave feedback like a crack-head craves the drug, so please please
pretty please read and vote. I'll return the favor! No, really! I will!

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Definitely not turds. But not diamonds.

L. Loves

Thank you very much! I'll see about getting those updated. I finished this one about a year ago and I've been vaguely dissatisfied with it ever since, but I eventually decided to let it out with the others I just finished. I never really connected with the subject matter so I think I tended to view this one as a bit more of a chore than the others, and thus perhaps I was less thorough in my editing. Or maybe I just suck at this.

Thanks for your help!
-CS

 

[Louise_Loves]

Sister-in-law

The opening turned me off. I give you credit, though. A one-sided conversation is generally boring. I'd dump it and get to the main character's thoughts and feelings. More interesting.

"We had been flirting long before I married her sister 3 years ago, but since I had taken up temporary residence in her place " - uh, what? Your wife is letting you live with her little sister? You might want to explain why a little sooner - like right then. I was thinking, "Ok, just downgraded to teenage fantasy."

I'd like to see her talk back to you during sex. Moaning at the end just doesn't do it. Will she taunt you the entire time? Will she admit she wanted it? When she say "no no no"? Did she do anything but lay there and cum once?

I'd also like to see a narrative of the extended fuck sessions. Show me, don't tell me what happened.

"pushing sounds out of her I can't begin to describe" - but that's your JOB!!!


Disappointing at the beginning and at the end. A fully-fleshed character disappears into a fuck-recepticle.

It's an okay job, but I think you could do better if you let both characters out to play and took your time with the ending.

LL

 

[Louise_Loves]

Gina

style guide - write numbers out please

Have Gina say something during sex. She's doing things - moving your hands and kissing back at least. If it took you 20 minutes to lick and suck and kiss her nipples, it shouldn't take me only 20 seconds to read it. Tell me what her skin tasted like, what it smelt like - was her breast full and firm or did it sag and jiggle?

A woman who didn't say anything at all while she jerked a man off? "Is this how you like it, lover?" "Oooo, you're so fucking hard..."

You spend four paragraphs talking about your ejaculation, but only one on the twenty minutes you spent on her breasts and about one and a half on her climax.

At this point, I'd say these are standard problems in your writing. 1) You are telling too much and not letting your characters drive the story - you hide this a bit with the first-person narrative, but it's there; 2) Your characterization is uneven and at times non-existent; 3) Dialogue takes two people; 3) We have five senses - I think your writing shows about two. That means three-fifths of the world your characters inhabit isn't coming through; 4) Very little of their internal world of thoughts and emotions comes through.

Here's an experiment - write the same story from the other character's point of view. The guy might not care that she's wearing a special perfume, but she might be very disappointed he didn't notice that. A woman's pussy tastes different when she's close to her period - and it smells different. Maybe she watched a porno to learn what to do - maybe she saw her big sister do it (or her mom!).

It's a good story, but it left me wishing that it had been better.

LL

LL

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Sister-in-law

The opening turned me off. I give you credit, though. A one-sided conversation is generally boring. I'd dump it and get to the main character's thoughts and feelings. More interesting.

"We had been flirting long before I married her sister 3 years ago, but since I had taken up temporary residence in her place " - uh, what? Your wife is letting you live with her little sister? You might want to explain why a little sooner - like right then. I was thinking, "Ok, just downgraded to teenage fantasy."

I'd like to see her talk back to you during sex. Moaning at the end just doesn't do it. Will she taunt you the entire time? Will she admit she wanted it? When she say "no no no"? Did she do anything but lay there and cum once?

I'd also like to see a narrative of the extended fuck sessions. Show me, don't tell me what happened.

"pushing sounds out of her I can't begin to describe" - but that's your JOB!!!


Disappointing at the beginning and at the end. A fully-fleshed character disappears into a fuck-recepticle.

It's an okay job, but I think you could do better if you let both characters out to play and took your time with the ending.

LL

Again, many thanks for the in-depth criticism. This stuff is very halpful and very appreciated.

I actually DID move in with my sister in law for 2 months in exactly this situation - my wife took a job far away and when I sold my house, I moved in with the SIL. I failed to add her husband to the story, though. I guess I see it as far more plausible since that is about the only sliver of the story that is real.

As to the ending, I intentionally avoided another 3 pages of in-depth sex because I know I can get wordy. I was trying to cut back on that. And, to a certain degree, I wanted to leave the reader wanting a little more.

And as for dialogue, I know I have a terrible time with in-sex dialogue. I've always been with non-verbal women so I don't really know what a chatty Cathy is like in the sack. They moan and groan and all that good stuff, but I have never had a woman really talk to me (dirty or otherwise) during sex. I'll try to push that limitation in the future.

I also like to leave a little bit to the imagination. Some things, while perhaps 100% true, are either not sexy in general or may serve to bring somebody out of the story. I had sex with a woman in college who essentially held her breath and every thrust brought out this little high pitched "Eep! Eep!" sound out of her. Then she'd exhale loudly and gulp in more air and repeat. It was very strange and fairly comical, and I feel like trying to tell that story in a sexy way would be damn near impossible. I rather hope the reader will insert the sounds THEY like to make or hear in a place like that. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.



Thanks again!
-CS

 

[Chimney Sweep]

Gina

style guide - write numbers out please

Have Gina say something during sex. She's doing things - moving your hands and kissing back at least. If it took you 20 minutes to lick and suck and kiss her nipples, it shouldn't take me only 20 seconds to read it. Tell me what her skin tasted like, what it smelt like - was her breast full and firm or did it sag and jiggle?

A woman who didn't say anything at all while she jerked a man off? "Is this how you like it, lover?" "Oooo, you're so fucking hard..."

You spend four paragraphs talking about your ejaculation, but only one on the twenty minutes you spent on her breasts and about one and a half on her climax.

At this point, I'd say these are standard problems in your writing. 1) You are telling too much and not letting your characters drive the story - you hide this a bit with the first-person narrative, but it's there; 2) Your characterization is uneven and at times non-existent; 3) Dialogue takes two people; 3) We have five senses - I think your writing shows about two. That means three-fifths of the world your characters inhabit isn't coming through; 4) Very little of their internal world of thoughts and emotions comes through.

Here's an experiment - write the same story from the other character's point of view. The guy might not care that she's wearing a special perfume, but she might be very disappointed he didn't notice that. A woman's pussy tastes different when she's close to her period - and it smells different. Maybe she watched a porno to learn what to do - maybe she saw her big sister do it (or her mom!).

It's a good story, but it left me wishing that it had been better.

LL

LL

Thanks! This story was crafted to be about the money shot. I don't lean too heavily on that convention but I wanted to write a story around it at least once.

And I know my characterization is poor in this one (er...especially poor in this one?) I write about Gina quite a bit so I tend to forget what I have covered and what I haven't. I wasn't thorough enough, for sure.

Also, I have trouble with the in-sex dialogue. Having experienced very little of it in my real life I don't have any kind of feel for what is realisitc or sexy. I am proud of my pre-sex dialogue in many cases, though.

I appreciate all your efforts on my behalf - thank you very much for your wisdom.
-CS