4·May·2007 · "Poem #203 Coffee" · das_risiko

[WickedEve]

Poem #203 Coffee
by das_risiko

to drink the sweet bitterness
of coffee
on the tip of the tongue
do not poison it
with sugar
the bitterness is sweet enough
maybe a little cream
before it is gone
stirred thoroughly
until it lightens
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup​

Notes by the author:

The following poem is meant to be abstract in the sense that those who read it can derive two different meanings from it. For the everyday reader, it will come across as simply a poem about drinking coffee, but for the Lit reader, a deeper abstract meaning will be found. The purpose of this is to disguise the deeper meaning from those that may be offended by it while allowing the more liberated reader to enjoy the hidden treasure. Please let me know what you think.

 

[unapologetic]

My first, brutally honest, response is that I think the complete lack of capitalization or punctuation is a bit pretentious. For me, even with the line breaks, I can't figure out where your thoughts begin or end, and it reads kind of like a run-on sentence.

One other negative comment, another matter of taste, is that I believe poetry is meant to be read aloud and this piece didn't roll off the tongue easily. It's more about the rhythm, if you ask me, than about the rhyme. Hard sounds serve as wonderful staccato in certain poems, but I don't think that's the case here.

Having gotten the critical stuff out of the way, I do think there is something wonderful here. There are so many ways to interpret this poem. I read it through four times - twice in my head and twice out loud - and each time I read it I found another meaning.

Overall, I think it's a great start.

 

[darkerdreamer]

I agree with some of the comments mentioned above, especially that on punctuation. While I don't think you need punctuation per se, I do think a lot of the lines could benefit from spacing or some device to show the end of one thought and the beginning of the next. Some form of a pause could help certain lines have much greater impact.

For example:

on the tip of the tongue
do not poison it
with sugar
the bitterness is sweet enough


With this section, "do not poison it" is lost between two thoughts. Upon a quick reflection or a second read it's very obvious that it is a preface to the next line, but a break or period on the first line (one the tip of the tongue) would allow the idea you present more air to breathe.

With punctuation as a device:

on the tip of the tongue.
do not poison it
with sugar,
the bitterness is sweet enough.

Just an idea, I think you have too many great visuals and too much clever wordplay to have this piece run together like it does. There is lots of good writing being hidden.

 

[naamplao]

I agree with bits of both previous comments.

It is tough to read this with any rhythm. Some form of breaks between thoughts are required IMHO but I am not sure punctuation is the key.

I also have a problem with this thought

to drink the sweet bitterness
of coffee
on the tip of the tongue
​

followed by

do not poison it
with sugar
​

The word "to" at the beginning that bothers me. I think it reads much better leaving it out.

drink the sweet bitterness
of coffee
on the tip of the tongue

do not poison it
with sugar
the bitterness is sweet enough

maybe a little cream
before it is gone

stirred thoroughly
until it lightens
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup
​

I have a bit of trouble with the last section with the surface impression of stirring cream to the bottom of the cup...it may work for your hidden meaning but I don't think it works on the surface level. I have a hard time visualizing it.

I have broken up your poem instead of using punctuation. I think it is more visually appealing as well as defining thoughts without punctuation. However whether this format works for your other meaning, I am not completely sure....that is the trick, isn't it?....making both work.

 

[museofdragon]

Most compelling imagery. I rather like the flow most of the piece. For some reason, that I can't quite grasp, it has a haiku feel to me -- a sense of minimalism that resonates for me.

The form does make it difficult to determine where one idea stops and the other starts. This took me out of the enjoyment of the poem until the analysis was over. The spacing or punctuation in the above reviews would make it an easier poem to read and enjoy.

The one line that just seems out of place in the whole thing is

before it is gone

The poem reads better without it, from my point of view. Both flow and clarity are improved.

A wonderful starting point.

 

[das_risiko]

Thanks for the comments

Sorry it took so long to reply to the comments. I have been traveling a lot lately.

I appreciate all of the comments and I will work them into the poem to see what I come up with. I will post the revised version once I have read all of the comments a second time and have fully digested them.

I will say that the lack of capitalization is a style I use in all of my poems. Sort of like an e.e. cummings. I rarely capitalize anything including proper nouns.

 

[das_risiko]

Here is the revision. I am interested in hearing any additional comments.

Thanks.

"poem #203 coffee"

the sweet bitterness of coffee
tantalizes the tip
of the drink lover's tongue

do not poison it with sugar,
the bitterness is sweet enough

maybe a little cream,
stirred thoroughly,
until it lightens -
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup

 

[naamplao]

"poem #203 coffee"

the sweet bitterness of coffee
tantalizes the tip
of the drink lover's tongue

do not poison it with sugar,
the bitterness is sweet enough

maybe a little cream,
stirred thoroughly,
until it lightens -
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup

I like the layout much better and I like the second verse. I think though the use of sweet in the first verse conflicts with that of the second verse. I think leaving "sweet" out of the first line makes the second verse more effective.

the bitterness of coffee
tantalizes the tip
of the drink lover's tongue

do not poison it with sugar,
the bitterness is sweet enough

"drink lover's" seems awkward to me but I cannot think of an alternate phrasing.

The last verse reads better but I fail to grasp the literal meaning. Perhaps it is the repeat of the word "cream" that makes it unclear what you mean. I mean...you are stirring cream to mix it into the coffee...to lighten it... only to find it at the bottom of the cup. On this level it doesn't mean much to me. Perhaps on your hidden level it does...

 

[champagne1982]

Okay, enough pussy-footing here. I'm not afraid to be thought unsophisticated or ill-read. That's a bunch of hooey in any case.
Straight to the point,

The following poem is meant to be abstract in the sense that those who read it can derive two different meanings from it. For the everyday reader, it will come across as simply a poem about drinking coffee, but for the Lit reader, a deeper abstract meaning will be found. The purpose of this is to disguise the deeper meaning from those that may be offended by it while allowing the more liberated reader to enjoy the hidden treasure. Please let me know what you think.

what in hell is your abstract meaning?

 

[The_Fool]

Okay, enough pussy-footing here. I'm not afraid to be thought unsophisticated or ill-read. That's a bunch of hooey in any case.
Straight to the point, what in hell is your abstract meaning?

I think there is a blowjob somewhere in your future. Oh wait...you are female....


lick

's for Carrie

 

[champagne1982]

I think there is a blowjob somewhere in your future. Oh wait...you are female....


lick

's for Carrie

that's naughty. I realized what it was after I'd posted this reply, even so... for Christ's sake, this is lit. Just say the other meaning is cum sucking. I (personally) spit.

slurp

for Foolio

 

[Maria2394]

well, I am with Carrie on this one. where does the BJ meaning, however abstract, come in? I mean,just becaused we are at LIt, doesnt mean that automatically every poem someone posts is "dirty", huh?

I didn't get it, it came across as coffee poetry to me. and I dont drink coffee.

I do agree with the suggestions about the caps and punctuation; it needs some.

 

[das_risiko]

Again sorry for the late reply. I have been traveling again, but home now for a while. Sorry for all of those wanting a BJ, one is not in this poem.

The abstract meaning is as follows.

The coffee represents an Afircan American woman. Although it is not specifically mentioned, the author is white. The poem is suppose to be about having an interacial encounter. First oral (the bitter taste) and then intercourse (the adding of cream). The fruit of such an encounter is neither and african american nor a caucasion. Thus the cream left at the bottom of the cup is "mixed".

I guess I did not do as well as I thought. I will go back to the drawing board.

 

[das_risiko]

"drink lover's" seems awkward to me but I cannot think of an alternate phrasing.

I agree. I could not think of a better phrase. It is extremely awkward and interupts the flow. I am working on your suggestions.

 

[naamplao]

I agree. I could not think of a better phrase. It is extremely awkward and interupts the flow. I am working on your suggestions.

I would just drop the word "drink"

the sweet bitterness of coffee
tantalizes the tip
of the lover's tongue

This satisfies but of your meanings...the coffee lover and lover of African women.

The fruit of such an encounter is neither and african american nor a caucasion. Thus the cream left at the bottom of the cup is "mixed".

That is not what you imply in your verse though.

maybe a little cream,
stirred thoroughly,
until it lightens -
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup

To me "leaving only cream in the bottom of the cup" does not imply a mixed result...

I have a problem with this phrase...it doesn't make sense in either of your contexts...unless in your intercourse senario you are describing white cum (cream) in the back of your black lady's vagina (the cup). But I have never stirred cream into a coffee to lighten it and then find it resting in the bottom of my cup afterward in real life.

 

[das_risiko]

Maybe The_Fool's cum sucking meaning is better.

The mixed cream at the "bottom" of the cup was meant to symbolize

1. That last drop of coffee (or any drink for that matter) that never seems to be able to be drank.

2. The fruit (a child) of such a relationship in the mother's womb (the bottom of the cup).

Again, I obviously did not do as good of a job as I thought, so I am going back to the drawing board.

I think leaving out the word "drink" is the best option.

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[Cub4ucme]

Poem #203 Coffee
by das_risiko

to drink the sweet bitterness
of coffee
on the tip of the tongue
do not poison it
with sugar
the bitterness is sweet enough
maybe a little cream
before it is gone
stirred thoroughly
until it lightens
leaving only cream
in the bottom of the cup​

Notes by the author:

The following poem is meant to be abstract in the sense that those who read it can derive two different meanings from it. For the everyday reader, it will come across as simply a poem about drinking coffee, but for the Lit reader, a deeper abstract meaning will be found. The purpose of this is to disguise the deeper meaning from those that may be offended by it while allowing the more liberated reader to enjoy the hidden treasure. Please let me know what you think.

I find your comments (and excuse me for this) a bit condescending.

First of all, in the true sense of poetics one not need explain a poem that is meant to be a single metaphor. It either works or it doesn't on its own.

I read your poem and thought "she must have intended this to be metaphor."
Otherwise why not just write it without line breaks as if you were making a statement?

It's not a very good poem for many reasons but, none more than the fact that it doesn't take any risks and leaves a reader saying "So What!".

I have read your poetry and find much of it to be very readable and far worthier than this.

Once again, in this grand arena I read such words as "The Lit Reader" yet, I read what the Lit readers write on the subject of poetry and shake my head.

It's almost as if you are all fooling yourself without any regard for the art itself at all.

Sad but true.

When you write take chances, bare your soul, give it up or, go on forever writing poems that aren't worth the space they take up.

You have the ability to write a far better poem so why not do it instead of footnoting your poem with condescening bullshit that holds no weight?

best,
andy

 

[Chamella]

I am a coffee drinker, so the title made me look.

I believe that naamplao had mentioned the redundancy of "sweet bitterness" in the first line and "bitterness is sweet enough" in the 4/5th line. As I read and reread the poem - that part really didn't seem to work for me -

As a poem solely about coffee, I like it. I love the "don't poison it with sugar". I am perplexed as to what that line would mean in the context of the metaphor. I guess if the second meaning had not been specifically mentioned, I would just not get it.

Hope this helps