3rd thepry session
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midwestyankee
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burrish said:
Heather,
I'm crying inwardly for you right now. I wish I had better advice for you other than to point out that this is something you are doing to try to save the relationship and if he's serious about wanting to do that along with you, he'll put aside any feelings he has about therapy in favor of the feelings he has for you.
Going to therapy indicates a fundamental weakness to a lot of people (it did to me at first), and it's a tough barrier to overcome. But it should help to make the "we need to work on this together if we're both serious" argument.
Good luck. I hope others will have better advice for you.
MWY
dreamer
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One thing it took me a great deal of time to come to grips with was one cannot force someone else to engage in therapy. Or any sort, ever.
It takes a personal commitment.
Frankly, therapy was the most difficult 'work' I've ever done in my life. Far more challenging and tiring than any job I've ever had.
As for your husband. He has to come to the conclusion that it is worth it for him in his own time.
However, when I read your post I see something far more important. You have made that decision, you are ready. Put in the work for yourself. Take care of yourself while you have this opportunity. Therapists, particularly those trained in family counseling are used to hearing 'one side.' Don't think that without him there you can't help yourself. And as you put it heal the hurt and hole in your heart.
Also I caution thinking of therapy as something you were 'driven to.' Yes the hurt got you to the point of realizing this could help. But that was only the door opening. Now that the door is open you needn't focus on that hurt. Focus on how YOU can live a happier, healthier life. I believe that more than anything can affect a relationship.
It is horribly frustrating wanting him there, wanting him to engage in the process. I know. But there are times we as individuals have to step up to the plate and do what we need to do independant of what ANYONE, including him, does.
Take care of yourself. I wish you the best. <hugs>
It takes a personal commitment.
Frankly, therapy was the most difficult 'work' I've ever done in my life. Far more challenging and tiring than any job I've ever had.
As for your husband. He has to come to the conclusion that it is worth it for him in his own time.
However, when I read your post I see something far more important. You have made that decision, you are ready. Put in the work for yourself. Take care of yourself while you have this opportunity. Therapists, particularly those trained in family counseling are used to hearing 'one side.' Don't think that without him there you can't help yourself. And as you put it heal the hurt and hole in your heart.
Also I caution thinking of therapy as something you were 'driven to.' Yes the hurt got you to the point of realizing this could help. But that was only the door opening. Now that the door is open you needn't focus on that hurt. Focus on how YOU can live a happier, healthier life. I believe that more than anything can affect a relationship.
It is horribly frustrating wanting him there, wanting him to engage in the process. I know. But there are times we as individuals have to step up to the plate and do what we need to do independant of what ANYONE, including him, does.
Take care of yourself. I wish you the best. <hugs>
Bobmi357
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Burrish,
Sit hubby down and tell him, he has two choices. He can either go to see the counselor or he can go to see his lawyer about getting a divorce.
YOU CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF FIXING YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BY YOURSELF. It takes two, and if he won't make the effort, then its over, finished, finito, ende. Whatever you want to call it. Its over.
He has to participate. If he doesn't, all your going to a counselor will do, is help you understand why you should end the relationship.
I'm sorry, you probably wanted a better solution, but I think you've reached crunch time here and need to lay it all out before hubby.
Sit hubby down and tell him, he has two choices. He can either go to see the counselor or he can go to see his lawyer about getting a divorce.
YOU CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO BEAR THE BURDEN OF FIXING YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BY YOURSELF. It takes two, and if he won't make the effort, then its over, finished, finito, ende. Whatever you want to call it. Its over.
He has to participate. If he doesn't, all your going to a counselor will do, is help you understand why you should end the relationship.
I'm sorry, you probably wanted a better solution, but I think you've reached crunch time here and need to lay it all out before hubby.
midwestyankee
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Heather,
It may seem as if some of this advice might be somewhat contradictory, but it's not. All of what has been posted so far is excellent advice, but each post includes a part of the picture. Dreamer is absolutely right that no matter what, therapy will probably do you a great deal of good whether your husband elects to join you or go by himself, or ignore the entire process.
Bobmi is almost certainly correct, though, in saying that if your husband abandons you in the effort to repair your marriage, then it's already over. I'm so sorry to put it so plainly, but a marriage can't work long term unless both people are willing to share in the effort to keep it growing.
Like any living thing, your relationship requires some care and feeding. And every once in a while, there is an injury that requires serious attention. This is one of those times for you. You have decided to start the repair process. But unless the husband joins you, your efforts will mean very little for the relationship.
But, your efforts to grow, whether through therapy or other means, will always help you. So keep them up. And that includes talking to friends as you are doing here.
It may seem as if some of this advice might be somewhat contradictory, but it's not. All of what has been posted so far is excellent advice, but each post includes a part of the picture. Dreamer is absolutely right that no matter what, therapy will probably do you a great deal of good whether your husband elects to join you or go by himself, or ignore the entire process.
Bobmi is almost certainly correct, though, in saying that if your husband abandons you in the effort to repair your marriage, then it's already over. I'm so sorry to put it so plainly, but a marriage can't work long term unless both people are willing to share in the effort to keep it growing.
Like any living thing, your relationship requires some care and feeding. And every once in a while, there is an injury that requires serious attention. This is one of those times for you. You have decided to start the repair process. But unless the husband joins you, your efforts will mean very little for the relationship.
But, your efforts to grow, whether through therapy or other means, will always help you. So keep them up. And that includes talking to friends as you are doing here.
Folks are correct that you cannot force your husband to go see the therapist. You may be able to convince him, though, by presenting how important it is to you.
Acknowledge that there are significant challenges in your relationship and acknowledge that part of the problem is your fault. (I realize doing so can be tough, but almost no conflict is truly one-sided. If you think this one is, a safe fall-back is almost aways admitting that you didn't immediately tell him how much something was bothering you, thus, how could he know that it was?) Once he hears that you're not trying to pin everything on him, he will be more likely to listen to the rest of what you have to say.
Step 2 is to tell him how important your relationship is to you and how much you want it to improve. Let him know that you are willing to work hard towards that end.
Step 3 [Critically important] Tell him some of the things you are doing, and will do, to help improve the situation. It may be very beneficial to tell him about any fears, awkwardness, or even shame you (perhaps initially) felt about seeing a counselor. Then point out that your relationship with him is important enough to face those feelings. You may also mention that those feelings aren't as strong now that you are actually seeing the counselor and it's not as bad as you anticipated. Addressing his concerns in this way can be very powerful. The big key is showing him that you are making a serious effort to improve the relationship. What else are you doing to address the issue which led to the counseling in the first place?
Step 4-- ask him if there is anything else you can do to help resolve the situation. Make sure he is part of determining the solution
Step 5-- this is where you ask him to go see the counselor. After he knows he's not totally to blame, knows that you are working to resolve the situation, and knows that he gets to provide input to the solution, he will be more likely to do work of his own. In this case, the work you want him to do is seeing the counselor. You can now say something like: "Here's what I need from you..." or "This is what I would like from you..." It will probably help if you only ask him to commit to one session, for the moment. That first step is the biggest, hardest one. Let him know how much it will mean to you for him to take this step.
Feel free to talk to your counselor about this model before you enact it, if doing so will make you more comfortable.
If, after approaching him in this way, he still refuses to participate in the counseling and refuses to support your efforts to improve the relationship, than you have an extremely serious problem. In that case, I agree that the entire marriage is in dire jeopardy.
I wish you the best of luck.
Acknowledge that there are significant challenges in your relationship and acknowledge that part of the problem is your fault. (I realize doing so can be tough, but almost no conflict is truly one-sided. If you think this one is, a safe fall-back is almost aways admitting that you didn't immediately tell him how much something was bothering you, thus, how could he know that it was?) Once he hears that you're not trying to pin everything on him, he will be more likely to listen to the rest of what you have to say.
Step 2 is to tell him how important your relationship is to you and how much you want it to improve. Let him know that you are willing to work hard towards that end.
Step 3 [Critically important] Tell him some of the things you are doing, and will do, to help improve the situation. It may be very beneficial to tell him about any fears, awkwardness, or even shame you (perhaps initially) felt about seeing a counselor. Then point out that your relationship with him is important enough to face those feelings. You may also mention that those feelings aren't as strong now that you are actually seeing the counselor and it's not as bad as you anticipated. Addressing his concerns in this way can be very powerful. The big key is showing him that you are making a serious effort to improve the relationship. What else are you doing to address the issue which led to the counseling in the first place?
Step 4-- ask him if there is anything else you can do to help resolve the situation. Make sure he is part of determining the solution
Step 5-- this is where you ask him to go see the counselor. After he knows he's not totally to blame, knows that you are working to resolve the situation, and knows that he gets to provide input to the solution, he will be more likely to do work of his own. In this case, the work you want him to do is seeing the counselor. You can now say something like: "Here's what I need from you..." or "This is what I would like from you..." It will probably help if you only ask him to commit to one session, for the moment. That first step is the biggest, hardest one. Let him know how much it will mean to you for him to take this step.
Feel free to talk to your counselor about this model before you enact it, if doing so will make you more comfortable.
If, after approaching him in this way, he still refuses to participate in the counseling and refuses to support your efforts to improve the relationship, than you have an extremely serious problem. In that case, I agree that the entire marriage is in dire jeopardy.
I wish you the best of luck.
Mstrskey
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Heather~
I will tell you that my husband was loathe to go to any sort of counseling for one very simple reason, he didn't want to have everything pinned on him. He was convinced that if he went into therapy he was going to spend an hour of his time listening to somebody else tell him how much of a screwup he was, or how badly he had damaged our relationship. He had it in his head that the counselor was going to be " on my side" rather then an impartial third party. Maybe hubby feels something similar.
I will say that everyone is dead on when they say that you can't make him go, but you can make him see how important this is to you and your relationship. If after you do that he still refuses then you may have to think about moving on, in spite of how painful a thought that may be.
You'll be in my thoughts sweetie.
I will tell you that my husband was loathe to go to any sort of counseling for one very simple reason, he didn't want to have everything pinned on him. He was convinced that if he went into therapy he was going to spend an hour of his time listening to somebody else tell him how much of a screwup he was, or how badly he had damaged our relationship. He had it in his head that the counselor was going to be " on my side" rather then an impartial third party. Maybe hubby feels something similar.
I will say that everyone is dead on when they say that you can't make him go, but you can make him see how important this is to you and your relationship. If after you do that he still refuses then you may have to think about moving on, in spite of how painful a thought that may be.
You'll be in my thoughts sweetie.
MagicFingers
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Did you tell him this?
And Mstrskey is right too. We (men/spouses) DO believe that the therapist and the wife will be siding against us, since it is she who has been telling her side of the story already.
"We" went to group therapy for years and learned a lot about communication and dealing with issues. Then, the last 5 months, we went together and separate to one therapist friend, supposedly "To save our marriage" At least that's what I was going for. Turns out she was more interested in trying to find out how to end it. It takes 2 to make it work. We are divorced now.
I'm sure there are many reasons a man does not want to go: Money, fear of having his faults pointed out, pain, etc.
Tell him it is his chance to express HIS side of the problems in a neutral setting, moderated, so to speak.
I hope you get him to go. I learned things I wasn't expecting from the process that made ME a better person. THAT is something you can take from this, even if he doesn't go, things that will help you in all future relations in life.
Good luck.
Yes, the therapist can give advice on how to talk with each other and bring out and resolve the issues.burrish said:
And Mstrskey is right too. We (men/spouses) DO believe that the therapist and the wife will be siding against us, since it is she who has been telling her side of the story already.
"We" went to group therapy for years and learned a lot about communication and dealing with issues. Then, the last 5 months, we went together and separate to one therapist friend, supposedly "To save our marriage" At least that's what I was going for. Turns out she was more interested in trying to find out how to end it. It takes 2 to make it work. We are divorced now.
I'm sure there are many reasons a man does not want to go: Money, fear of having his faults pointed out, pain, etc.
Tell him it is his chance to express HIS side of the problems in a neutral setting, moderated, so to speak.
I hope you get him to go. I learned things I wasn't expecting from the process that made ME a better person. THAT is something you can take from this, even if he doesn't go, things that will help you in all future relations in life.
Good luck.
SexyGiggles
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burrish said:
I think you need to let him know that while he doesn't feel the shrink will help him, his going will help you with yours.
Good luck!
