30 April: I Done A Bad, Bad Thing I Done A Bad, Bad Thing

[Weird Harold]

I Done A Bad, Bad Thing By Persephone

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10697

Title: I Done A Bad, Bad Thing
By Persephone
Erotic Coupling

This is the first of the stories nominated by the author.

In this case, Author permission can be taken for granted, but to address the question raised on the last selection, I have been notifying the author and requesting they post an objection or introduction before discussion begins.

I have NOT been requesting permission, because the story is put out before the public for whatever reaction it may draw. Were these discussions spontaneous Story Feedback threads, permission would not even be considered an issue.


[Edited by Weird Harold on 04-29-2001 at 12:37 PM]

 

[nitengale]

I have NOT been requesting permission, because the story is put out before the public for whatever reaction it may draw. Were these discussions spontaneous Story Feedback threads, permission would not even be considered an issue.

It is a good thing you used caps for the word "not", or I would have missed your point.

 

[Weird Harold]

Since Persephone hasn't gotten around to introducing her story and letting us know what she wants to gain from this discussion, I'll start with a couple of points to discuss.

Dialect: This story is written in an intentionally ungrammatical dialect. It certainly helps to define the character of the narrator, but is it really necessary? Does the minor difficulty of wading through the dialect to dig out the story hamper the enjoyment of the story?

Rambling narrative: Again, I think it's intentional as part of the characterization of the narrator. however, I found it to be more of a distraction than the dialect. It certainly fit the premise of an elderly woman reminiscing about her past, but for me, the digressions from the main story was too much like a visit to a nursing home where you have to be polite no matter how the conversation wanders.

At what point does staying true to the character start to detract from the story instead of enhancing it?

 

[Persephone]

Introduction to "I Done A Bad, Bad Thing."

Hello, I haven't gotten around to introducing my story because I guess I didn't want to influence the reader in any way. Just give it a read and give me your honest opinion.

Thanks much,
Persephone

 

[alexander tzara]

I thought this was a good idea for a story: an older narrator telling the reader about an erotic incident from her distant past.

I thought the DIALECT and use of first-person added a lot to the style, and helped give the lead-character depth and make her likeable.

I did find the RAMBLING quality - going off at tangents - quite distracting, though.

I didn't really feel fully involved in the story until Boyd appeared. I think the story would have benefitted a lot from having some kind of focus nearer the beginning - eg:

It was a long-ass time ago, if that cuts me any slack. An I was pretty much a completely different person - very young, very sexy and very hetero. If you'd told me I was gonna end up a tough old dyke working out here on this Texas ranch, I woulda said you were talking out your ass. I know the night I climbed into Boyd's truck and we headed out to the lake, that kissing girls was furthest from my mind.

So something like that would set up the scene more: you know who she is, where she is and what it is the story's going to be all about - her encounter with Boyd. It's good to focus things early on like this so that the reader is immediately drawn into the story. After that it'd be ok to ramble a little bit and set up the scene some more, as happens from this line onwards:

And lemme tell you, I was one of those really beautiful girls.... etcetera.

[Edited by alexander tzara on 04-30-2001 at 01:47 PM]

 

[Lynn]

Just my few thoughts.

First I have to say the story concept was very good. The pacing was very good as well. I like the lead in - no need to rush to the sex part.

The only thing that was a problem for me, and it most likely is MY PROBLEM, was specifically the dialect, or more specifically the fact that the dialect made the narrator sound inarticulate, yet during the main portion of the story the narrator used some very sophisticaed adverbs and adjectives (wonderful choices may I add). This became a problem for me, because I felt the dialect (more specifically the intentional bad grammer) gave off an atmosphere that the narrator was not as bright as she was in the middle of the story.

Again this is my prejudices showing more likely than not.

The plot and pacing were great and the visual imagery was very well spread out for us.

------

Thank you for sharing your story to a full critique. I get shortness of breath when just posting the two stories I have put up here.

I can't imagine setting yourself up to be critiqued by the best writers here (which I do not consider myself to be by the way).

Thanks again,
Lynn

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Just my few thoughts.

yet during the main portion of the story the narrator used some very sophisticaed adverbs and adjectives (wonderful choices may I add). This became a problem for me, because I felt the dialect (more specifically the intentional bad grammer) gave off an atmosphere that the narrator was not as bright as she was in the middle of the story.

I think you may have caught one of the hazards of using dialect to tell a story. For Dialect to be effective, it has to be consistent throughout.

The same principle probably applies to any means of character definition. If a character is initially established with a particualr trait, in this case a low level of literacy, that trait needs to be scrupulously adhered to throughout a story.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I personally possess and use a similar dialect on a daily basis. However, it's not a Texas dialect, though similar. It got in my way, I couldn't get into the story because I kept thinking, jeeez, you don't have to toss in every singe regional colloquialism to give the dialect a taste. Then I shuddered to think of the international readers trying to puzzle through it.

Sometimes too much of something isn't such a good thing. I read the whole thing and still didn't quite figure out what the story was about.

 

[nitengale]

my thoughts...

As WH pointed out the use of the dialect was not consistent and did take away slightly from the story. I do think the use of a dialect such as this one, can add to the character, if used properly, making them more earthy and raw, and in some cases, more believable.

The story’s flow interrupted for me at times when this illiterate character suddenly used a word that was inconsistent with her vocabulary.

“He grunted as he shoved even deeper inside. He was using me for his own gratification and somehow this aroused me immensely. Using me, using my female body to assuage himself as a male.

"So wet, so wet and flooded with his seed. I tasted it from my fingertip, knowing I would never taste his semen again. Thick salinity, primordial ooze; I licked it from my flesh."

I loved the reference to the donkey’s mating session. The character’s sexual tryst with Boyd was equally as animalistic and loveless.

 

[KillerMuffin]

*shaking head* I'm going to have to try this one again when I'm not quite so stupid.

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

Ah luv dem texans

When I visit the US and people hear my accent and ask where I'm from, I always say "Texas." Sometimes they even believe me.

I personally loved the dialect, although I sometimes had to puzzle over it. My problem with the dialect was that it wasn't consistent, and not because of using certain words. Rather, consider this extract:

I guess I must have masturbated to that memory for a long, long time. Felt guilty over it for just about as long, too. Boyd and I never did repeat that act. In fact, we barely talked together at all afterwards, and I guess that’s a shame. I hear he went back in the Navy. Course I went on and took over my Grandad’s mule farm, so I guess I musta got over my fear of breedin jacks.

In other places the character seems to want to truncate her "ing" words to "in", but there are numerous instances where the writer doesn't do that. Ima guessin that a bit a editin woulda fixed it.

I think some of the distractions that others were commenting on were charming and added to the feeling for the character. Also, the vocabulary is coming from the older woman except where she is quoted, so using more advanced words at a later age isn't necessarily a fault.

 

[Blackbich]

I liked this story.

I thought it was realistic that the 'storyteller' rambled on. Some older people do that when telling a story. Hell, I get seniors calling in for appointments and it turns into a 20 minute conversation! As others have mentioned before, it detracted from the story when the storyteller suddenly started spounting big words. Although I didn't get the impression the storyteller was illiterate or uneducated, some of the words used were a little too much, considering the tone that was set at the beginning of the story.

Persephone, you done yurself proud .

 

[Blackbich]

And KillerMuffin

Why is you calling yourself stupid?

 

[christo]

Dialect is a tricky thing. You have to use enough of it for the reader to hear the accent in their heads, but you don't want to change the spelling of every single word to make it phonetically correct. It's distracting and tough to read. A writer who does dialects really well (he does everything really well, actually) is Elmore Leonard. I strongly recommend his novels if you like reading fantastic dialogue and dialects.

I don't think that the dialect was overused exactly, but there were some inconsistencies that kind of broke the spell in places. I agree with some previous posts that the narrator used some words that didn't sound like they should be coming out of this person's mouth. It may have been better had this had been told from a third-person perspective, an omniscient narrator describing this woman thinking back to this event in her past. You get the best of both worlds--having the protagonist speak in dialect while the narrator can describe things as precisely as she wants, with whatever words are appropriate.

But enough of about that stuff. Let's get to the sex, which was, like, WOW. I mean, uh huh, yowza. The description of Boyd mounting her, juxtaposed with her remembrane of a mule mounting a mare in heat, was very powerful, very well done. And I especially liked the part where she described the post-coitial horror both of them feel. I always enjoy stories more when what happens afterwards is described, be it good or bad.

Only one story posted so far, Persephone? Get your butt in the chair and back to work!

 

[DarlingBri]

I disagree

I happen to think that just because a Texas chick talks down home when she opens her mouth, it don't mean she can't use a big-assed word like "assuage."

I thought the story was great; the voice was superb, the pace was perfect.

Some tiny things did bother me; it might be that we're putting all the blame for those irksome details found in most writing onto the dialect. But to me, it's more a failure of narrative voice now and then. I mean, this woman is clearly *speaking* to the reader; therefore, the text should flow like speech, yes?

I liked him, and when he invited me to drive on up to the Lake and have a beer, I thought, Why not? And agreed.

"And agreed." Nobody would actually *say* that at the end. It's implied.

Aside from it falling over now and then on details like that, I thought it was superb.

Per, go write more, you gifted thing!

 

[Persephone]

Thank you all.

You all were wonderful, finding both the strengths and the weaknesses of my story. I was seriously impressed with most all of your comments. I really, really appreciate you all choosing to read and offer your feedback on my story. I feel newly inspired.

Persephone