3-23-03 The Earl

[KillerMuffin]

Here we go! Another fine story by the Earl ready for your perusal!

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Some of you may be getting a sense of deja vu here. To put you out of your confusion; No, it's not just you. You have all seen this story before. It was reviewed about 6 months ago by this august panel.

Reading through it a little while ago, I decided that the plot was essentially workable, even if the writing itself was slightly amateurish and decided to rewrite the entire thing. Everything that happened in the first incarnation happens here, but htere is extra character building, extra scene, a shift from 1st person to 3rd, etc.

So do your worst, for I am convinced that this is the best I've ever written. Even if you've never seen Buffy before in your life, read it. IMHO it's good enough to survive as just a lesbian story, rather than as a celebrity. You don't need to know anything about the show.

Seducing Dawn - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=79435

1. For those who've never seen the show: How difficult was it to understand the characters. Did you get what was happening?

2. For those who follow the show avidly: Did I get the characters down correctly?

3. Is the sex hot enough? Should there be more?

4. Do you think that it is better than the first version.

If people want, then I will post the original up on here when this gets round to being reviewed.

Thanks,

The Earl

 

[Chicklet]

hey Earl,

I would love to see the 1st version. I suck at critiques so I'm sort of just dipping my feet in.

As someone who has never seen the show, I thought that the story was good. It made sense to me, which rarely happens, and the characters seemed well developed.

When I figure out how to write a critique i'll be back and I'll change this post all up. For now, though, sorry (sheepish grin)

Chicklet

 

[TheEarl]

Original version

You did ask for it. Remember to be nice when you critique the new one.

The Earl


Seducing Dawn - Chapter 1:

My name’s Dawn Summers. I’m 5 foot 4 and 18 years old. I’ve lived with my friends Tara and Willow since my big sister Buffy died. Tara and Willow are lovers and I thought they only had eyes for each other…

I was lying in bed one evening when Willow came in with a nighttime cup of cocoa. She’d started to do that, ever since Tara had gone on holiday with her family 2 weeks ago. I think she was feeling lonely with her girlfriend gone. I drunk it down in one gulp, but there was a bitter aftertaste that was not usually present. There was a strange tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach which was slowly rising through my body. I put the cup down on the bedside table and looked up to notice this strange smile on Willow’s face as she spoke.

“Get out of bed.” I moved without thinking about it and stood up beside the bed. “Take off your nightgown.” The order was barked and for some reason I obeyed without question. I now stood naked in front of Willow and was conscious of her eyes exploring my body. My nipples began to harden under her stare and I could feel the skin around them crinkling as they became erect. I suddenly wondered what I was doing standing naked in front of Willow, but before I could say anything she’d stepped forwards and kissed me. I felt a slow warmth in my loins as Willow held me to her and pressed her soft red lips against mine.

She broke off the kiss and took her top off, leaving her upper half clad simply in a white bra which she instructed me to remove. My hands moved of their own volition to reach around her and undo the clasp. As I moved closer to her I noticed the creamy perfection of her skin and breathed in the subtle scent of her perfume, which just made me more aroused. As I removed Will’s bra, she took it from my hands and threw it across the room, pulling me in once more for a passionate kiss. Her hands then began to rove my body, stroking my skin delicately while her mouth moved to whisper in my ear.

“You’re totally under my control. You’re mine. Completely mine.” As she spoke I realised it was true; I couldn’t resist her. I realised what we were doing and tried to disengage, but my body wasn’t obeying me anymore, it was responding to the knowing caresses of Willow’s hands. I began to moan as her hands brushed over my nipples, sliding over my breasts and down to my stomach. She murmured in my ear again. “I prefer bigger breasts, don’t you?”

As she spoke, my tits began to throb pleasurably and my skin felt tighter. I looked down to see my breasts slowly growing in size. They were becoming heavier and more sensitive by the moment. Willow bent her head and started to lick and nibble on the base of my neck, pausing occasionally to breathe on my engorged breasts. The feeling was incredible and I was moaning again as my tits grew under her intent gaze, my erect nipples bobbing as my breathing grew shallower and quicker.

She moved back to kiss me again and this time I concentrated on the sensations she was causing. Her tongue slowly slid into my mouth and began to caress mine, sliding backwards and forwards as her lips worked over mine. Her hands were everywhere, over my newly engorged cleavage and round to rub the base of my spine, before moving round to stroke my belly and gently massage the skin there. She broke the kiss and grinned at me. “Come on Dawny, put some enthusiasm into it.” Her lips curved in a wicked smile as she ordered me over to the bed.

I lay down and she removed her skirt and panties before straddling me. Her shaved pussy began to rub against me as she ground her hips into mine and ran her hands over my belly again. Her pert breasts were so inviting and as she pulled my head up into her cleavage, I had to suck at her nipple. It felt so natural to suck and pull on it and while one part of my mind was shocked at what I was doing, another part delighted in hearing Willow moan at what I was doing. After a while she pushed me back onto the bed and leaning forwards began to stroke the underside of my breasts with her tongue, licking the folds at the base of my impressive new tits. My skin was on fire every time she touched me and my loins were getting wetter and wetter as she began to run her hands up and down my thighs, moving from the outside to the inside, moving further up my leg each time. She slid down my body and began to lick and suck at my thighs, moving all around that area without ever pausing on my pussy. This was driving me wild; all my inhibitions were gone now as she moved all around my pudenda, teasing me, making me mad with desire. Just as I thought she’d never attend to my throbbing vagina, she stopped circling and moved in with her lips and tongue. My clitoris was so engorged, it was almost sore, and she touched it gently and softly, using her expert mouth to drive me to the peak of ecstasy as her lips grazed my pussy lips and her tongue flickered between the folds of my pudenda, her hot breath exciting me almost as much as her actual touch. She moved slowly and gently, her touches soft, but telling and I began to whimper as an orgasm rushed through my veins like wildfire, burning all of my senses in a wave of pleasure.

She got up and sat at the foot of the bed, her legs splayed. I struggled to sit up to watch her play with herself, but I was still weak from the incredible orgasm that I’d just had. She looked at me with an enticing smile and continued. Her eyes closed and she intoned Latin, her fingers fluttering over her groin as a red mist rose from her hands and was absorbed into her loins. I propped myself up on my elbows to see the mist coalesce into the shape of a penis and settle on her, forming an impressive new organ in the place of her pussy. She got up and grinned at me, her new cock swinging between her legs at she crawled over to me and began to kiss me.

I was slightly disturbed at Willow’s transformation, and was more than a little shocked at what had occurred now that it had stopped. I began to fight against Willow’s embrace, but was stalled by her whispering in my ear again. “Don’t struggle Dawny, you know it won’t make a difference.” I was now quite scared as I realised that Willow had total control over me and, as a powerful witch, could do just about anything she liked. Her new prick pressed against my stomach as my legs moved on their own, wrapping around Willow’s torso. She pulled away slightly and then inserted her penis into me. There was a sudden pain as my virginity was broken and my pussy was filled for the first time. It felt huge and painful and I wasn’t enjoying this anymore. I started to beg for her to let me go, but she smiled and started to whisper in my ear again. “You’re getting horny Dawn, you’re getting so aroused. You like having me inside you, don’t you?” As she spoke I felt my pussy begin to tighten around her cock and my nipples became erect. I felt a suffusion of pleasure at having Willow fill me like this and it overran my sensibilities. She began to stroke in and out of me, the friction delightful now and getting better with every second. Will’s hands were stroking my thighs and arse, and my hips were moving on their own now, bucking to try and gain more pleasure from my friend. She was still murmuring in my ear, talking dirty to me and telling me how much pleasure I was getting from her and I was responding to her words as she fucked my virgin pussy, driving me to ecstasy with her words.

She put both hands on my stomach, rubbing there and creating a delicious heat. “Do you know how sexy you look? You’re getting so horny, so aroused by me. You love getting pleasured by your friend. Don’t you? Answer me.”

I mustered enough strength to murmur “Yes” as she moved her hands further south and began moving them around my hips and clitoris. I started to moan and then scream, each word increasing my pleasure as my best friend made ecstatic love to me. “Oh yes, Willow, yes, yes, yes. Oh God, Ohhhhh yes, Willow, please, pleeease.” My begging made her increase her pace; long languid strokes turning into frenzied thrusting, each stroke brushing against my G-spot and increasing my pleasure as my quim throbbed around the girth of her penis.

I felt my orgasm begin to build in me; my skin felt hot as I began to pant, every sensation on my body becoming more and more intense. I felt Willow begin to tense up and knew she wasn’t far from coming too. Willow thrust inside me one more time and I started to scream as my pussy convulsed, the waves of pleasure overloading all of my nerves as I felt Willow tense up and cum, filling my cunt with her hot sticky sperm. We held onto each other, enjoying the moment of peace afterwards, before I rolled off and lay on the bed.

“Oh my God.” Tara sounded shocked at the scene she saw, she must have just walked in as we finished. I was too exhausted to move or even care, but Willow sat up to deal with Tara…
My name’s Dawn Summers. I’m 5 foot 4 and 18 years old. I’ve lived with my friends Tara and Willow since my big sister Buffy died. Tara and Willow are lovers and I thought they only had eyes for each other…

I was lying in bed one evening when Willow came in with a nighttime cup of cocoa. She’d started to do that, ever since Tara had gone on holiday with her family 2 weeks ago. I think she was feeling lonely with her girlfriend gone. I drunk it down in one gulp, but there was a bitter aftertaste that was not usually present. There was a strange tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach which was slowly rising through my body. I put the cup down on the bedside table and looked up to notice this strange smile on Willow’s face as she spoke.

“Get out of bed.” I moved without thinking about it and stood up beside the bed. “Take off your nightgown.” The order was barked and for some reason I obeyed without question. I now stood naked in front of Willow and was conscious of her eyes exploring my body. My nipples began to harden under her stare and I could feel the skin around them crinkling as they became erect. I suddenly wondered what I was doing standing naked in front of Willow, but before I could say anything she’d stepped forwards and kissed me. I felt a slow warmth in my loins as Willow held me to her and pressed her soft red lips against mine.

She broke off the kiss and took her top off, leaving her upper half clad simply in a white bra which she instructed me to remove. My hands moved of their own volition to reach around her and undo the clasp. As I moved closer to her I noticed the creamy perfection of her skin and breathed in the subtle scent of her perfume, which just made me more aroused. As I removed Will’s bra, she took it from my hands and threw it across the room, pulling me in once more for a passionate kiss. Her hands then began to rove my body, stroking my skin delicately while her mouth moved to whisper in my ear.

“You’re totally under my control. You’re mine. Completely mine.” As she spoke I realised it was true; I couldn’t resist her. I realised what we were doing and tried to disengage, but my body wasn’t obeying me anymore, it was responding to the knowing caresses of Willow’s hands. I began to moan as her hands brushed over my nipples, sliding over my breasts and down to my stomach. She murmured in my ear again. “I prefer bigger breasts, don’t you?”

As she spoke, my tits began to throb pleasurably and my skin felt tighter. I looked down to see my breasts slowly growing in size. They were becoming heavier and more sensitive by the moment. Willow bent her head and started to lick and nibble on the base of my neck, pausing occasionally to breathe on my engorged breasts. The feeling was incredible and I was moaning again as my tits grew under her intent gaze, my erect nipples bobbing as my breathing grew shallower and quicker.

She moved back to kiss me again and this time I concentrated on the sensations she was causing. Her tongue slowly slid into my mouth and began to caress mine, sliding backwards and forwards as her lips worked over mine. Her hands were everywhere, over my newly engorged cleavage and round to rub the base of my spine, before moving round to stroke my belly and gently massage the skin there. She broke the kiss and grinned at me. “Come on Dawny, put some enthusiasm into it.” Her lips curved in a wicked smile as she ordered me over to the bed.

I lay down and she removed her skirt and panties before straddling me. Her shaved pussy began to rub against me as she ground her hips into mine and ran her hands over my belly again. Her pert breasts were so inviting and as she pulled my head up into her cleavage, I had to suck at her nipple. It felt so natural to suck and pull on it and while one part of my mind was shocked at what I was doing, another part delighted in hearing Willow moan at what I was doing. After a while she pushed me back onto the bed and leaning forwards began to stroke the underside of my breasts with her tongue, licking the folds at the base of my impressive new tits. My skin was on fire every time she touched me and my loins were getting wetter and wetter as she began to run her hands up and down my thighs, moving from the outside to the inside, moving further up my leg each time. She slid down my body and began to lick and suck at my thighs, moving all around that area without ever pausing on my pussy. This was driving me wild; all my inhibitions were gone now as she moved all around my pudenda, teasing me, making me mad with desire. Just as I thought she’d never attend to my throbbing vagina, she stopped circling and moved in with her lips and tongue. My clitoris was so engorged, it was almost sore, and she touched it gently and softly, using her expert mouth to drive me to the peak of ecstasy as her lips grazed my pussy lips and her tongue flickered between the folds of my pudenda, her hot breath exciting me almost as much as her actual touch. She moved slowly and gently, her touches soft, but telling and I began to whimper as an orgasm rushed through my veins like wildfire, burning all of my senses in a wave of pleasure.

She got up and sat at the foot of the bed, her legs splayed. I struggled to sit up to watch her play with herself, but I was still weak from the incredible orgasm that I’d just had. She looked at me with an enticing smile and continued. Her eyes closed and she intoned Latin, her fingers fluttering over her groin as a red mist rose from her hands and was absorbed into her loins. I propped myself up on my elbows to see the mist coalesce into the shape of a penis and settle on her, forming an impressive new organ in the place of her pussy. She got up and grinned at me, her new cock swinging between her legs at she crawled over to me and began to kiss me.

I was slightly disturbed at Willow’s transformation, and was more than a little shocked at what had occurred now that it had stopped. I began to fight against Willow’s embrace, but was stalled by her whispering in my ear again. “Don’t struggle Dawny, you know it won’t make a difference.” I was now quite scared as I realised that Willow had total control over me and, as a powerful witch, could do just about anything she liked. Her new prick pressed against my stomach as my legs moved on their own, wrapping around Willow’s torso. She pulled away slightly and then inserted her penis into me. There was a sudden pain as my virginity was broken and my pussy was filled for the first time. It felt huge and painful and I wasn’t enjoying this anymore. I started to beg for her to let me go, but she smiled and started to whisper in my ear again. “You’re getting horny Dawn, you’re getting so aroused. You like having me inside you, don’t you?” As she spoke I felt my pussy begin to tighten around her cock and my nipples became erect. I felt a suffusion of pleasure at having Willow fill me like this and it overran my sensibilities. She began to stroke in and out of me, the friction delightful now and getting better with every second. Will’s hands were stroking my thighs and arse, and my hips were moving on their own now, bucking to try and gain more pleasure from my friend. She was still murmuring in my ear, talking dirty to me and telling me how much pleasure I was getting from her and I was responding to her words as she fucked my virgin pussy, driving me to ecstasy with her words.

She put both hands on my stomach, rubbing there and creating a delicious heat. “Do you know how sexy you look? You’re getting so horny, so aroused by me. You love getting pleasured by your friend. Don’t you? Answer me.”

I mustered enough strength to murmur “Yes” as she moved her hands further south and began moving them around my hips and clitoris. I started to moan and then scream, each word increasing my pleasure as my best friend made ecstatic love to me. “Oh yes, Willow, yes, yes, yes. Oh God, Ohhhhh yes, Willow, please, pleeease.” My begging made her increase her pace; long languid strokes turning into frenzied thrusting, each stroke brushing against my G-spot and increasing my pleasure as my quim throbbed around the girth of her penis.

I felt my orgasm begin to build in me; my skin felt hot as I began to pant, every sensation on my body becoming more and more intense. I felt Willow begin to tense up and knew she wasn’t far from coming too. Willow thrust inside me one more time and I started to scream as my pussy convulsed, the waves of pleasure overloading all of my nerves as I felt Willow tense up and cum, filling my cunt with her hot sticky sperm. We held onto each other, enjoying the moment of peace afterwards, before I rolled off and lay on the bed.

“Oh my God.” Tara sounded shocked at the scene she saw, she must have just walked in as we finished. I was too exhausted to move or even care, but Willow sat up to deal with Tara…

Chapter 2:

Tara appeared frozen with shock at the sight that had confronted her on her entrance. “I just came back because my flight was delayed…I heard…what were you…I don’t?” she stuttered.

Willow got up and retrieved her bra from where she had flung it. I propped myself up on my elbows to see her remove something from one of the cups. There was a sudden flash and I had to shield my eyes, flopping down on the bed again. Willow leant over me and gently brushed a sprig of herbs over my face.

“Lethe’s Bramble. Very effective for memory spells. I think there’s just enough for you too. Wouldn’t want you reminding Tara of what you’ve forgotten now, would we?”

There was another sudden flash, then darkness.


I woke up, for a moment not knowing where I was or what I was doing. A brief moment of amnesia, before memory kicked in. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and watched the covers slide off my naked body. Odd, I never usually sleep nude. I tried to remember last night. All I could get from my recalcitrant memory was an evening watching TV with Willow, then off to bed. A hazy recollection of erotic dreams, but details eluded me.

As I went downstairs I heard raised voices and slunk back round the corner where I wouldn’t be seen. I hated Willow and Tara arguing especially when they tried to pretend they weren’t in front of me.

“But you’re using too much magic,” I heard Tara say. “You’re messing about with stuff you have no control over.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“And just what are you doing? I know you used that spell on me.”

“What spell?”

“The memory one. I have only a vague recollection of coming home last night, almost as though I was drunk. I know what you did and I won’t let you mess with my mind anymore.” Tara was screaming now and I shrunk further back round the corner at her ferocity. “Why are you doing this? What is it that you won’t let me remember?”

“It’s nothing. Calm down sweetie.”

“It’s NOT nothing. You are messing with my memory to suit yourself and I’m not staying here long enough for you to make me forget this.”

The back door slammed and I heard Tara storm out. I crept away from the kitchen door wondering what that was all about and trying not to let anyone realise that I’d been eavesdropping. The loud thunk as I knocked over the hall table signified that I’d failed.

“Dawny? Is that you?”

I decided that I should just try and pretend I hadn’t heard anything and walked into the kitchen. “Yeah, it’s me Will. Anything for breakfast?”

“Pancakes.” At a gesture a bowl with pancake mixture appeared at Willow’s elbow. “Want some?”

I nodded my assent and sat down at the table, trying to shake off a vague uneasy feeling. As I bit into the first one, the feeling got stronger as a strange tingling feeling set up camp in the pit of my stomach.

“Hey Dawn, come with me.”

I responded to Willow’s command before I realised it and followed her, a strong sense of déjà vu as we climbed the stairs. We turned into Willow and Tara’s room and, without warning, Willow stepped forwards and kissed me, sliding her tongue between my lips and exploring the inside of my mouth. She broke off and I stared, slightly shocked, as she smiled wickedly at me.

“Come on, relax Dawny. This’ll be fun.”

As she spoke she made a gesture with her hand and I was forced back onto the bed. As I struggled to get up, manacles appeared, clamping around my wrists and ankles and securing me to the bed. Willow straddled me and began to run her hands through my hair, crooning softly in my ear, “Blonde would really look good on you.”

She brought a lock in front of my eyes to show me my hair slowly changing to a dusky ash blonde and then slowly began to work her hands up and down my body. Everywhere she touched felt like fire and I could feel a yearning to get out of my constricting clothes. She slowly began to unbutton my blouse, taking an agonisingly long time over every button. She peeled it off and with a sudden effort, ripped away my skirt, leaving me clad only in my bra and panties. I felt a sudden rush of sanity flood in as I wondered why I felt so placid about being handcuffed to the bed in front of a very powerful witch. I felt very scared and very powerless now; aware that there was little I could do to prevent Willow from doing whatever she wanted.

She sat back on the end of the bed and just watched me for a minute. “You’re pretty, but you’re just not what I’m looking for in a girl. You don’t look anything like her at the moment. So we’ll have to make some changes.”

With another gesture of her hand I felt a weird throbbing all around my body. My breasts began to swell and strain the constraints of my bra and my hips started to broaden. I started to scream as the magic wrought its changes on my waiflike body and I passed out.

As I woke, Willow was on top of me, naked and aroused. She grinned at me, seeming quite drunk at the changes wrought on my body. She began to slide her hands over my new tits, moving from one nipple to the other, pulling, squeezing and gently kneading them to spread a fire of arousal throughout my body. Her lips found a nipple and began to suck, while her hands moved down my body, brushing softly across my stomach, thighs and hips, her every touch a sensory bolt of lightning. My body responded to her against my will, the feeling of fear at my helplessness overrun by the sensations she was causing.

She moved down my body and began to apply herself to my groin. Her lips grazed my inner thighs as her fingers slowly entered and began expertly playing with me. As she used her tongue to lick the folds of my pussy, her fingers curled upwards and pressed firmly. I gasped and arched my back, pulling against my restraints, forcing my pussy into her mouth. All my cares and worries were forgotten now as I concentrated on the feelings that Willow was causing in me. The pleasure was arcing through my body in waves as she started to nibble and suck at the skin around my clit, gently mashing her lips into the hood and applying herself to my clit from two sides. The feeling grew, making my skin burn and my lips flutter. I felt the pressure build up inside me, stretching my consciousness, until I couldn’t hold it in any longer and it burst from me, rippling throughout my body in a tsunami of ecstasy.

Willow got up and sat on the end of the bed. I tried to sit up, but the manacles tightened spreadeagling me on the bed. She got up and stalked across the room to a small table with a group of herbs on it and started collecting certain sprigs.

“She doesn’t want me any more. Well that’s just fine. We don’t need her, do we Dawny?”

“Will…”

“SHUT UP!” Willow was almost in tears as she screamed at me. “Just shut up. I don’t need her either. And I’m going to prove it.” In a sudden fit of pique, she overturned the table and came to lean over me. “That bitch rejected me. But I don’t need her any more. I’ve got you.”

The look on her face worried me and I started to try and calm her again. “Will, come on…”

“SHUT UP! Shut up, shut up, shut up!” There was a loud smash as a bolt of power shattered the small vase on the bedside table and I recoiled at her ferocity. Willow was obviously not at home to callers at the moment and reasoning with her wouldn’t help. I was very aware of the powers that Willow could unleash if I angered her further.

She dried her tears and sat down inside a small pentagram. “This spell will make you mine. Forever. Now, be a good girl and don’t interrupt.” With a gesture of her hand, my mouth clamped firmly shut and I was unable to add to the conversation.

She started to burn the herbs and, as she chanted Latin, her pupils grew huge and a red mist rose from her hands, surrounding her in a cyclone, enveloping her. A wind rushed around the room, scattering papers and slamming the door shut. The archaic words reverberated in my head and I felt my mind shifting under the force of the spell, my emotions skewed by the powerful magics.

The door suddenly slammed open and Tara stood there, wind whipping at her ash blonde hair, aghast at the scene that confronted her.

“Willow, what are you doing?”

Will turned her head sharply to look at the intruder and tried desperately to rescue her spell from the five words that had interrupted it. There was a terrible shrieking sound as the mist dissipated and Willow screamed as the brilliant light erupting from the pentagram consumed her. When my vision returned there was no pentagram, there were no herbs and there was no Willow.

Tara stood momentarily in the doorway and then collapsed on the floor, sobbing her heart out for her former lover. I looked on for a second and then passed out, emotionally and physically drained.


When I woke up, I was in my own bed. Tara was sitting on a chair in the corner of the room watching me.

“How do you feel?”

“Okay I guess. What happened?”

“Willow was making a very powerful spell to force you to love her. I wrecked it when I walked in.”

“What happened to Willow?”

Tara’s voice quavered as she spoke, “I don’t know. When the spell collapsed, it took her with it. I think she’s been transported. I don’t know where to.” She pulled herself together and I realised how much I adored her bravery and strength in adversity.

I was struck by a sudden thought and grabbed a lock of my hair to see what colour it was. I was a brunette again.

“Don’t worry, I changed everything back. It was scary seeing who Willow tried to turn you into.” Tara sounded weirded out, but in control. It was comforting to have someone who knew what they were doing and I recognized how much I loved that about Tara. A strange thought came to mind, but I dismissed it as too weird to consider right now. As she looked up, our eyes met and there was a flash of something indescribable between us.

“I’ll just go and…you know I’ve got to…I’ve got to…go.” Tara seemed slightly embarrassed as she stuttered her way out and I was sure she’d come to the same conclusion as me.

As the door shut, I lay back on my bed and thought about the probable outcome of an interrupted love spell. And smiled to myself.


Breakfast the next morning was a stilted affair; Tara obviously quite uncomfortable. Our conversation was quiet and about nothing in particular until she broached the subject we’d both been thinking about.

“Dawn, when Willow’s spell broke, I think it did something to us. I feel weird and I’m feeling things that…I’m not quite sure how to say this, but I think…I’m not sure, but…”

I rescued her from her verbal morass by touching her hand softly. She jerked away at the sudden crackle of emotion that leapt between us like electricity, before replacing her hand and leaning in to kiss me. I closed my eyes as her lips brushed mine, her soft warm flesh exciting me, so gentle compared to Willow. My hands found her hair and ran through it, enjoying its silkiness. We broke the kiss and looked at each other, affirming the desire we felt for each other. Tara grabbed my hand and led me to the living room where we collapsed on the rug in an ungainly tumble of limbs.

I took my blouse off, enjoying the feeling of anticipation and removed my bra, revealing my young breasts to Tara’s eager hands. She seemed to delight in exploring every part of my cleavage with her fingers and I used my hands to release her larger breasts from her silk blouse. As her fingertips traced the outside of my puffy aureolae and slowly circled into the centre of my nipples, I started to moan. My skin was on fire and it could only be soothed by her gentle touch. I removed my skirt to bare more flesh for her. She stroked the flat of my belly and moved her hands down to my thighs, lightly tugging my panties. I sat up and reached for her beautiful breasts, running my hand up the underside, caressing her skin and breathing in her perfume. As she turned I slid down her body, removing her tights and sliding my hand up her thighs to gently rub her panties. She unclipped her skirt and took off her last item of underwear. We knelt together for a while, kissing and pressing our naked bodies together, just relishing the touch of the other’s skin.

She lay back on the rug and I placed my head into her lap, remembering the ways that Willow brought me so much pleasure, teasing and tantalising her until she could stand it no longer and pushed my head down on her. I started to lick the outsides of her pussy, moving from her lips inwards, enjoying every second as my inexperienced tongue began to affect Tara, causing her to move her hips rhythmically, trying to get more of her pudenda in contact with my tongue. I pushed my tongue gently into her, enjoying the feelings that I was creating in my new lover and started to mash my lips into the lower part of her pussy. Tara’s moaning was getting louder and I was close to coming just from the pleasure I was causing her. She was bucking her hips now and as my tongue found her clitoris, she wrapped her legs around my head, enveloping me in her soft, warm flesh. I was sucking at her clit now and trying to get my entire mouth involved in pleasuring Tara, revelling in her moans as she came, her entire body shaking with the force of her orgasm.

I rolled off her and watched as she got up off the rug, promising to “be right back.” I watched her beautiful arse sashay up the stairs and heard her rummaging around upstairs. She came downstairs brandishing a harness and a dildo, strapping them to herself. I got a sudden mental image of Willow sitting on the foot of the bed; a red mist flowing from her hands into her loins…

“Sweetie, are you okay?” Tara looked concerned at my sudden collapse back on the rug. “Is this too weird? It’s too weird isn’t it? I knew it’d be too weird.”

I managed to mutter, “No, no it’s okay, just a little déjà vu.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

Tara came and lay down on the rug next to me. She rolled me on top of her again and began running one hand up and down the inside of my thigh, while the other stroked the side of my torso and over my hips. Her touch was featherlight, but telling, and I was soon groaning as her hand moved slightly further up my thigh with every stroke. With one hand on my hips and the other on the dildo, she slowly guided it into me. I gasped as I felt it go in, filling me and stretching my young pussy in ways I couldn’t imagine. It felt so strange having something inside me, but it was definitely pleasurable. Tara started to buck her hips ever so slightly, rocking it up and down within me. I bit my lip as it brushed against my G-spot, and then began to moan as the rhythmic movement started to overwhelm my senses. Tara was an expert and I was groaning as she moved the dildo, relishing the friction it was causing as I began to roll my hips, grinding them into her. Her hands were roving all over my body, her fingers spreading a delightful warmth wherever they went. My nails began digging into her thighs and she sat up, burying her head in my cleavage, her mouth seeking my nipples. I started to howl as she suckled, her hips still grinding as the warmth spread from my chest and my groin, enveloping my entire body as my pussy began to throb, contracting around the dildo. I felt the pleasure build up inside me as the pressure built higher and higher until the dam burst and the ecstasy burst out, smothering all my senses and emotions, eroding at my consciousness until the waves receded and my body stopped shaking.

We stayed there for a while, just holding each other. The blinding passion had receded a bit, but there was still a deep adoration for each other that I suspected would never fade. I felt safe and secure, comfortable in the knowledge that Tara would always be there for me and fell asleep in her arms.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Earl,

Well, when you rehash you don't muck around do you?

I can see the second version has a certain sophistication about it that the first simply doesn't. Although knowing you are a man, I was intrigued to read this in the first person from a female pov.

I enjoyed the idea of Dawn being seduced and the spells being cast. It's nice to read something a little bit different.

To be honest I found the beginning was a little bit slow, but it was well worth reading it once I got into it. I guess that could be problem as most people need to be 'hooked' from the start or they're inclined to back click. I don't know, maybe it was just me?

I have to admit also I enjoyed the characters in your last story more. Sorry I forget what it was called now, but I do remember the characters seemed to come right off the screen and into living breathing colour in my head. This one just didn't seem to have the them jumping into 3d life in the same way. I guess it's always going to be difficult writing fan fic from the point of view of how much detail do you include? I mean readers who are familiar with the show won't want to get bogged down in a whole lot of stuff they already know, while the others want and need more background and detail. I have watched the show a couple of times so I understand the basic concept, but apart from Buffy, I don't really remember any of the other characters.

Now I don't want to be too nit picky here, but if Willow had a spell to make someone fall in love with her, why didn't she use it on Tara?

This is what else I noted as I read your story:

Miss Williams could be really evil? Oh really? Exactly how evil?

"Please excuse Dawn's poor results, but the lesbian lovers who act as her parents have recently split up and she couldn't concentrate." A smile crossed her lips briefly

Yes, a smile crossed my lips when I read this too.

Willow stripped off her top, now confident in the spell, leaving her clad only in a black bra, which she instructed Dawn to remove.

Hey I got cheated here! Where are all the juicy details? And how come she's wearing a black bra this time? In the first version I'm sure it was white. Well maybe black is a better colour for a witch anyway?

Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her own.

Excellent. Yes I know this is fan fic, but it's also lesbian. You know it's descriptions like this that separate a hetro story from a lesbian story, and what's more important here, a good lesbian read from a not so good lesbians read. Often I come across a fem on fem story and I think - if you changed a couple of 'she's for 'he's it would be a straight read. Readers who enjoy these stories look for, and appreciate, juicy details like this.

Dawn was freaking out now

I would have been freaking out too! Again, here I think more detail of Dawn's feeling would have added 'depth' to your story.

Dawn's fright escalated

This read oddly to me. I think 'fright' should have been 'fear'.

She started to plead for Willow to stop.

OK, call me a sick little bunny, but here I would have like dialog instead.

"Tara! What are you doing here?" Willow grabbed the sheet and threw it over Dawn as if to hide what Tara had already seen.

I really enjoy little snipetts of simple dialog and imagery like this that say so much with just a few words. I think they give a nice balance to a story.

Willow was obviously not at home to callers at the moment and Dawn realised that there was nothing that she could do.

I had to do a double take on this, but it is cute.

Tara stuttered her way out and ended up almost fleeing the room.

This read oddly to me. I always think of stuttering in speech, and the two actions just don't seem to fit together. Maybe that's just me?

Dawn shuddered as memory dawned.

Uh-uh! Maybe "Dawn shuddered as her memory returned'?

Dawn pulled at the buttons of her blouse to reveal her lacy bra, a cute remnant of her childishness in an adult situation.

I didn't understand this?

She'd never thought of the younger girl as anything, but a child before and was surprised by how startlingly beautiful she was.

I'm sorry to do this to you, (no I'm not really, I’m actually having a little chuckle about it as I type) but I think the comma here is in the wrong place. I think it should be after 'before'. If I'm wrong... well it won't be the first or last time now will it? I think the second 'was' can go too. 'She'd never thought of the younger girl as anything but a child before, and now found herself surprised by the startling beauty.' perhaps?

The rest of the grammar and punctuation, I will leave to the experts.

Tara moved to kiss her. Dawn turned her head, suddenly uncertain. "I don't know how to do this."

Tara took her hand, guiding it to her chest. "It's okay Dawny, just try it. It'll come."

Dawn cupped Tara's breast, hesitantly at first, but with increasing confidence. It felt natural and easy. Tara shuddered as Dawn's thumb grazed her hardened nipple and reached out to stroke Dawn's skin.

Especially if all the male readers reading this are anything like my old man, they're all going to be reading this, and what follows, with their desks balancing 10 centimeters off the floor. It's H O T hot!

Overall, a very entertaining read Earl.

Finally, to finish I would have like to have seen a little bit of a twist at the end. Just one more little piece of magic and intrigue to complete the 'spells and witches' theme. Perhaps in the last chapter, no mention of Willow, and then right at the end the suggestion that she had been erased from Tara and Dawn's memory. Or perhaps just Dawn's?

E.g. 'Tara glanced down that the photo of herself with the redhead and wondered who she was. She couldn't even remember where and when the photo had been taken.' Or, 'Dawn snuggled up against Tara. "It's always just been the two of us hasn't it Tara? It always will be. " Tara smiled knowingly and said nothing.

I mean they did have the spells and herbs to do it, didn't they?

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now.

Alex. (fem)

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

TheEarl,

IMHO, this is a great improvement over the first version. However, also IMHO, some rough spots still exist. The main problems I kept running across were: POV switches, pronoun confusion (her hands stroked her thighs), and sentences starting with a character’s name. “Willow” seemed to be the chief offender and often at the beginning of paragraphs.

Feel free to PM me if there’s any of this you want to cuss or discuss.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Dawn lounged on her on her (TYPO “on her” TIMES TWO) bed, half-heartedly trying to study. Miss Williams could be really evil if you failed (EVEN ONE OF?) her weekly tests and Dawn had already failed the last two. (EITHER OMIT “already” OR “last”) Her brown hair flopped around her eyes as a look of concentration crossed her elfin features. (“HER” TIMES THREE IN ONE SENTENCE)

However hard she tried to study though, her mind kept slipping back to what had been happening in her life. Tara and Willow, her legal guardians had had a huge argument a couple of weeks ago, which ended with Tara leaving the house. She'd announced that she would stay with Xander and Anya until they'd (INDEF PRONOUN. THE MOST RECENT NAMES MENTIONED ARE “Anya” & “Xander”. STYLE STUFF: MIGHT PUT IN PRESENT TENSE, “…UNTIL THEY COULD SORT THINGS OUT.”) sorted things out.

Willow had been distraught by (AT/AFTER?) the breakup and had gone to pieces, unable to cope or function properly without Tara's love. (IT’S PROBABLY JUST ME, BUT THAT SENTENCE SEEMS TO SAY ESSENTIALLY THE SAME THING THREE TIMES. 1. SHE’S DISTRAUGHT, 2. SHE GOES TO PIECES, 3. SHE CAN’T COPE OR FUNCTION PROPERLY…. IMHO, ALL THREE COULD END WITH SOME VARIATION OF “…with Tara leaving the house.”) She had been equally incensed and inconsolable about her rejection. By now, she'd recovered slightly, which Dawn was grateful for

Ever since Buffy, her sister and legal guardian, had died four years ago, Willow and Tara had been Dawn's guardians. Sunnydale Social Services said that (OMIT “that”) Dawn still needed a guardian until she finished high school, even though she was already eighteen. Although they were (OMIT “they were”) only six years older than her (OMIT “than her”), they'd almost become second parents to Dawn and she had been grateful to have two people in a steady relationship around her.

Dawn didn't mind living with Tara and Willow; (REDUNDANT? THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE DOES SAY, “…she had been grateful to have two people in a steady relationship around her.”) they'd been friends with her for years. It was also really handy to have two powerful witches around when you're the Vampire Slayer's younger sister. Some Sunnydale night monsters might have a grudge to settle.

Everyone had been really sympathetic to Dawn, (LOGICALLY, THIS REFERS TO THE BREAKUP OF THE, “…two people in a steady relationship…” BUT, THE LAST LOSS MENTIONED IS THE DEATH OF HER SISTER.) almost as though her parents were divorcing. Dawn wondered whether she could use their separation as an excuse for failing the test: "Please excuse Dawn's poor results, but the lesbian lovers who act as her parents have recently split up and she couldn't concentrate." A smile crossed her lips briefly.

Dawn was worried though. It seemed like every time she got to depend on someone, they left her. Willow and Tara had been the only constant thing in her life for years and she'd built her foundations (IMHO, IT SHOULD BE SINGULAR) on the rock of their relationship. She stared at the book, not taking in a single word as she thought.

(A RUMPLED NOTE: I BELIEVE IT’S THE WRITING TEACHER, SOL STEIN, WHO CONTENDS THAT IF A WRITER MUST USE FLASHBACK, THEY SHOULD GET OUT OF THE PAST TENSE QUICKLY. “HAD” AND “HAD BEEN,” BOTH PAST TENSE TERMS, APPEARED MANY TIMES IN THIS FLASHBACK. THE BOTTOM LINE IS - WRITING A FLASHBACK IS USUALLY A CHORE.)

A knock on the door disturbed Dawn from her (STYLE STUFF: YOU MIGHT MAKE DAWN POSSESSIVE “DAWN’S” THEN OMIT “from her”) reverie.

"Dawny? S'me. Can I come in?"

Delighted at the sound of Willow's voice, Dawn put her books to one side. This was an excellent excuse for not studying. "Sure, come in."

Willow walked in and sank down on the bed. Her red hair was tousled and her face was puffy and red from crying. Dawn smelt the aura (MIGHT DOUBLE CHECK THE MEANING OF “AURA” THIS COULD BE A UK/US THING, BUT IMHO, IT DOESN’T QUITE FIT.) of alcohol before Willow even came close. "What is it Will?" she asked.

Willow collapsed in another bout of drunken sobbing and Dawn leant over to hug her, unsure of what to do. Willow had always been the most composed and together (MEMBER?) of their household and Dawn didn't know how to help her. She waited while Willow cried on her shoulder (SHE’D COLLAPSED AND DAWN WAS LEANING OVER HER. HOW AND WHEN DID SHE MANEUVER AROUND SO HER HEAD WAS ON THE KID’S SHOULDER?) and became aware of Willow's hands moving from her back to her sides. Dawn was a little uncomfortable with this, but decided to keep quiet rather than say anything. (MIGHT EXPLAIN WHY.)

Willow moved her head from Dawn's shoulder and then suddenly darted forwards, kissing her full on the lips. (THIRD STRAIGHT PARAGRAPH BEGINNING WITH “WILLOW”)

Astonished by her friend's bold action, (WHAT DOES BEING ASTONISHED HAVE TO DO WITH TUMBLING BACKWARD? MAYBE “CAUGHT OFF GUARD”?) Dawn tumbled back onto the bed. Willow followed her, continuing the kiss and moving on hand (“ONE OF HER HANDS” OR “A HAND”) to Dawn's small breast.

Dawn recovered from her shock after a few seconds and pushed Willow away. "Will, what are you doing?"

Willow fell off the bed, unable to keep her balance from (FOLLOWING?) Dawn's slight push. Even through her whisky haze, she was suddenly very aware of her faux pas; (SHIFT TO WILLOW’S POV) she got up and ran out the room, confused and lonely, furious at her rejection, leaving a very bemused (SHIFT BACK TO DAWN’S POV) Dawn behind her.

Later that day, (I ASSUMED THIS WAS A SCHOOL DAY SINCE DAWN WAS FACING A TEST. BUT “Later that day…” MAKES IT SOUND LIKE IT’S THE WEEKEND.) Dawn lay in bed, her mind still churning over what had happened earlier that day. (THE SENTENCE BEGINS WITH “Later that day…” THEN ENDS WITH “…earlier that day.”) Willow had avoided her for the rest of the day (LATER…DAY, EARLIER…DAY, REST…DAY) and that suited Dawn, as she wasn't quite sure what to say to her. She really couldn't deal with having Willow go to pieces on her; she wouldn't be able to cope if Willow left too.

She rolled over onto her back, tired, but not sleepy. Dawn hated not being able to sleep; it just seemed so pointless. A tingle down between her legs suggested an alternative way to pass the time than tossing and turning. She reached down with one hand and brushed her clit, thrilling in the shiver of pleasure that it evoked. Her arousal built as one hand (YOU MENTIONED SHE’D “…reached down with one hand…” IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE.) slid over her lips and she whimpered as...

"Dawny? Can I come in?"

Dawn felt the arousal dissipate as (JUST A SUGGESTION: “DAWN’S AROUSAL VANISHED THE MOMENT…”) Willow knocked at the door. Irritated, she considered feigning sleep, but decided that, as her arousal had gone, she may as well see what Willow wanted.

"Yeah, come in."

Willow entered carrying a steaming mug. "I brought you some hot chocolate." Dawn accepted the mug, but didn't say anything. She wasn't going to be bought that easily.

"Look, Dawny, I'm..." Willow took a deep breath (ADDING “AS IF” WOULD KEEP THINGS SOLIDLY IN DAWN’S POV) to prepare herself. "I'm really sorry about what happened earlier, I was just so...confused and upset about Tara, you know?" More silence. "Come on, Dawn, I'm really sorry. Don't be mad, huh?"

Dawn acquiesced (IMHO, THIS NEEDS A LITTLE MORE ELABORATION) and sipped at the chocolate. It had a weird bitter taste, but before she realised, she'd finished the mug. Willow was looking at her in a really strange way and Dawn felt a little weird. There was an odd tingling sensation in the pit of her stomach and it was rising slowly through her body.

Willow spoke, a strange smile curving across her face. "Get out of bed." Dawn moved without even thinking about it and stood up (OMIT “up”) by the bed in front of Willow. The smile grew wider. "Take off your nightgown." The order was barked and again Dawn obeyed without question. Willow's eyes roved greedily over her naked body and Dawn's nipples began to harden, the skin round them crinkling as they became erect.

Dawn finally started to wonder what the hell she was doing standing naked in front of Willow, but before she could ask a question, Willow had stepped forwards and kissed her. It was nothing like the drunken grope that Willow had (SHE’D?) attempted earlier; this (TIME SHE?) was in control and certain of herself. Dawn felt a slow warmth creep through her body, radiating out from her loins.

Willow stripped off her top, now confident in the spell, (POV SHIFT TO WILLOW. DAWN DOESN’T KNOW IT’S A SPELL AND COULD ONLY GUESS IF WILLOW WAS CONFIDENT. YOU COULD PRECEDE “confident” WITH “APPARENTLY” BUT I CAN’T HELP WITH THE SPELL.) leaving her clad only in a black bra, which she instructed Dawn to remove. (SHIFT BACK TO DAWN’S POV) Dawn did so; her mind whirring as she tried to work out what the hell was going on. This was Willow, her guardian, who she was cheerfully doing this with. (AWKWARD) And Willow was a girl. Dawn had never had any feelings for girls before, but she certainly wasn't balking as Willow kissed her again. She was suddenly very aware of the creamy perfection of Willow's skin and breathed in the subtle scent of her perfume, which made her even more aroused. (PRONOUN CONFUSION. “…the subtle scent of HER perfume, which made HER even more aroused.”)

Willow was delighted (SHIFT TO WILLOW’S POV) with the way her spell was going and her hands began to explore Dawn's waifish body. Her mouth moved to whisper in Dawn's ear, "You're totally under my control. You're mine. Completely mine."

As she spoke, Dawn realised (BACK TO DAWN’S POV) that it was true; she couldn't resist her. (OMIT “her”) She tried to disengage, but her body wasn't obeying her commands anymore; it was responding to the knowing caresses of Willow's hands.

Dawn moaned as fingertips brushed over her nipples, sliding over her breasts and down to her stomach. Willow leant forward and murmured in her ear again. "I prefer bigger breasts don't you?" (MIGHT GIVE A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF DAWN’S IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THIS PARA OR THE NEXT.)

As she spoke, Dawn felt her tits begin to throb pleasurably as her skin seemed to tighten. They (A LITTLE CONFUSING. MAYBE, “HER BREASTS”) were growing slowly, becoming heavier and more sensitive by the moment. Willow bent her head to lick and nibble on the base of Dawn's neck, pausing occasionally to breathe on her engorged breasts.

Dawn was still shocked witless and couldn't seem to gather her thoughts. She moaned again as her tits grew under Willow's intent gaze, (BUT WILLOW IS NIBBLING ON HER NECK) her erect nipples bobbing as her breathing got shallower and quicker.

Willow moved back to kiss her again and Dawn concentrated on the sensations that (OMIT “that”) she was causing. (CONFUSING. MIGHT CHANGE “causing” TO “FEELING”) A tongue slipped into her mouth and began to caress hers, sliding backwards and forwards as their lips worked together. Willow's hands were everywhere; running over Dawn's newly enlarged (ENHANCED?) cleavage and round to rub the base of her spine, before moving round to stroke her belly and gently massage the skin there.

Willow broke the kiss and grinned wickedly. "Come on Dawny, put some enthusiasm into it." Her lips curved as the smile widened and she ordered Dawn onto the bed.

Willow removed her skirt and panties as Dawn lay watching her. The clothes landed in a pile at her feet. Stepping over them, Willow walked to the bed, straddled her, then ground her hips into the younger girl all in one fluid movement. Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her own, and her hands caressed the firm muscles of her belly. (POSSIBLE PRONOUN CONFUSION: “her own,” “her hands,” “her belly.”)

Willow suddenly pulled Dawn's head up into her cleavage and it seemed natural to suck at her nipple. Dawn couldn't believe what she was doing, but while part of her was shocked, another part thrilled in hearing Willow moan at her actions. (FOUR STRAIGHT PARAGRAPHS BEGINNING WITH “WILLOW”)

After a minute, Willow pushed her back onto the bed and started to stroke the underside of her breasts with her tongue, licking the folds at the base of Dawn's impressive new tits. Dawn was gasping and groaning with every touch now. Her skin felt as though it was on fire and her clit was throbbing as Willow ran her hands (SUGGESTION: “AS WILLOW’S HANDS RAN”) up and down her thighs, moving from the outside to the inside and going further up Dawn's leg(S) each time.

--

"Lethe's Bramble. Very effective for memory spells. I think there's just enough for you too. Wouldn't want you reminding Tara of what you've (SHE’S?) just forgotten now would we?"

There was another flash, then darkness.

 

[Moyds_jewel]

hiya earl!

I second Rumple's observations!
First, to your questions:

<B>1. For those who've never seen the show: How difficult was it to understand the characters. Did you get what was happening? </B>
I have never seen the show, but understood the characters in your story for the most part. As to understanding what was happening, I will get to that later.

<B>2. For those who follow the show avidly: Did I get the characters down correctly? </B>
N/a

<B>3. Is the sex hot enough? Should there be more? </B>
"hot" is such a subjective term in this context...If you are asking whether this reader was turned on by your descriptions...my answer must be 'no.' (Course, I am confirmed hetero) I will explain after question 4.

<B>4. Do you think that it is better than the first version. </B>
I did not read the first version, mea culpa.

<I>Overall review: </I>
Your use of believable dialog has improved (though I did not read the prior version of this story, I HAVE read other of your works you may recall...)

For the most part, you credibly describe a female POV. Although I have to quibble and point out that any hetero woman who finds her body in the control of another woman intent on having non-consensual sex with her would surely do a little more agonising over her inexplicable loss of control.

I like humor in a story but it is subjective so it's often hard to pull off. Case in point: <B>"Willow was obviously not at home to callers at the moment and Dawn realised that there was nothing that she could do."</B> I thought this sentence worked. Bragis had to re-read...

Rumple did a great job at pointing out specific typos and confusions so I will not rehash. I noticed 3 weaknesses in the overall writing of this story.

1. POV confusion. It is a difficult thing to coherently describe action between two women without either overusing their names (as Rumple has so ably pointed out) or overusing the female pronouns (her and she).

In the first instance, to get around starting sentences with given names (Willow, Tara, Dawn), start more of them with action clauses. For example, you wrote:
<B>Willow collapsed in another bout of drunken sobbing and Dawn leant over to hug her, unsure of what to do. Willow had always been the most composed and together of their household and Dawn didn't know how to help her. She waited while Willow cried on her shoulder and became aware of Willow's hands moving from her back to her sides. Dawn was a little uncomfortable with this, but decided to keep quiet rather than say anything. </B> A possible rewrite might look like:
<I>When Willow collapsed in another bout of drunken sobbing, Dawn hesitated then hugged her. Willow had always been the composed and together member of their household and Dawn was at a loss to know what else to do to help her. Only gradually, as Willow cried on her shoulder, did Dawn realize that her friend's hands had moved from her back to her sides. Though this made Dawn vaguely uncomfortable, she held her tongue.</I>

An example of 'her' POV confusion...you wrote: <B>Stepping over them, Willow walked to the bed, straddled her</B><I> ( Dawn)</I><B>, then ground her </B><I> (Willow)</I><B> hips into the younger girl all in one fluid movement. Dawn gasped as Willow's shaven pussy rubbed against her </B><I>(Dawn)</I><B> own, and her </B><I>(Willow) </I><B>hands caressed the firm muscles of her </B><I>(Dawn)</I><B>belly. </B> ...at least, that's the way I read it...Regardless of your intent, the result is constant confusion over the action. This is the reason I found the sex scenes more confusing than hot. Who is doing what to whom?

To avoid 'her' confusion, use 'friend' or 'redhead' or 'guardian' or 'younger girl/older girl' as well as proper names and nicknames.

2) Delayed action and passive verbs/clauses ('got to' 'getting to' 'started to' 'began to' and 'was devastating' 'was throbbing' 'was delivering') delay or diminsh action. Example: <B> It seemed like every time she got to depend on someone..</B> vs <I>It seemed as though every time she depended on someone...</I>
OR
<B>...but Dawn's hesitancy was delivering a frustration that simply built her lust higher.</B> vs <I>...but Dawn's hesitancy simply frustrated Tara's lust higher.</I>

I am not saying an author needs to completely eliminate passive voice because it has its uses. However, when action is called for, passive voice and 'ing' verbs should be eliminated. Eliminating or at least reducing the frequency of 'get' and all its forms can only improve one's writing.

3) Ending sentences with a preposition. Maybe this is just a pet peeve of mine, but I counted at least a half dozen sentences in the story that ended with 'to' or 'with' or 'for' and everyone of them made me wince. Unless used in spoken dialog, find and fix (and in future, avoid) these errors.

There are other nit picky things that I will leave to others on this thread.

Conclusion:
If you don't already do so, read your stories aloud to yourself now and then. It should help you improve flow, identify awkward phrasing, and hone dialog.
Earl, you continue to improve with each effort. Thank you for allowing me to express my editorial persona. Best wishes in your future endeavors.

jewel
_______________
It is my joy to be his.

 

[TheEarl]

Alex: Now I don't want to be too nit picky here, but if Willow had a spell to make someone fall in love with her, why didn't she use it on Tara?

There's always one isn't there? . You are in fact the first person to even notice that. Ah well, we'll just say it's because Tara's also a witch and would be able to defend herself against being attacked that way. Besides it wouldn't be as fun without that little plot hole.

You are partway wrong on the commas however. How dare you challenge The Comma God? The comma shouldn't even be in there at all.


Thank you RF. I won't debate with you, mainly because 99% of things you've said are absolutely correct and the other percent is because of confusing writing by myself. Aprpeciate the effort you've put in.

Moyd's: First of all thanks for the flattery. Appreciate the points you've raised. If you're interested in the first version, I posted it in this thread.

The Earl

 

[sweetnpetite]

[ Seducing Dawn

1. For those who've never seen the show: How difficult was it to understand the characters. Did you get what was happening?

I've seen the show a couple of times. I think you did a really good job on willow. She's the only one I could really recall from the show. I also think you did a good job for those who haven't seen the show.

2. For those who follow the show avidly: Did I get the characters down correctly?

3. Is the sex hot enough? Should there be more?

silly question: there should always be more! lol. The sex was pretty hot. I think it really worked.

4. Do you think that it is better than the first version.

I didn't see the first version but I was pretty satisfied with this one.

If people want, then I will post the original up on here when this gets round to being reviewed.

That might be a good idea.

Now for the downside:

I had to really search for negatives. I think your writing is fantastic. However after the first great sentance, the start was a llittle bumpy. I'm going to have to dig out my notes and get back to you on the specifics.

The one thing I remember is when she was masterbating. A lot of women don't go directly for the clit (although some do) so this really popped out at me. I would suggest maybe that she soflty brushes or tickles her inner thigh or lower belly, or even squeesed her hand between her legs. Just a suggestion.

I'll get back to you when I find those blasted notes. There floating around here somewhere.

 

[Guest]

Like some of the others here, I'm just going to dive right in and copy and paste pieces from the story as I read. This is my first "critique" here at Lit., so hopefully all goes well.

Just so you know, I'm an avid watcher of Buffy, old and new episodes. So hopefully I'll be able to give you some feedback that is associated more with the characters, like you had requested in one of your previous questions.

So, here goes!

_______________

Her brown hair flopped around her eyes as a look of concentration crossed her elfin features.
_______________

When I read this I thought, "Wow! She really does have elfish features!" So good job with that!

________________


Everyone had been really sympathetic to Dawn, almost as though her parents were divorcing. Dawn wondered whether she could use their separation as an excuse for failing the test: "Please excuse Dawn's poor results, but the lesbian lovers who act as her parents have recently split up and she couldn't concentrate." A smile crossed her lips briefly.

________________

When I read the first sentance, I thought you were talking about Buffy's death still. Of course, it's okay to jump subjects as you did, but since you were talking about Buffy's death in a nearby previous paragraph, it might have been better to say sat that everyone had been sympathetic to dawn when Willow and Tara had gotten in the fight.

________________

"What is it Will?"

________________

I don't know if this is grammatically correct, but I think it should have been, "What is it, Will?" Maybe I'm just obsessed with commas. Could be.

________________

A tingle down between her legs suggested an alternative way to pass the time than tossing and turning.

_______________

I liked that sentance. Very creative way to say it.

_______________


Willow spoke, a strange smile curving across her face. "Get out of bed." Dawn moved without even thinking about it and stood up by the bed in front of Willow. The smile grew wider. "Take off your nightgown." The order was barked and again Dawn obeyed without question. Willow's eyes roved greedily over her naked body and Dawn's nipples began to harden, the skin round them crinkling as they became erect.

________________

For some reason, this paragraph just didn't really do it for me. Not because of the lack of description from Dawn's part, but from Willow's. Obviously, in the show, Willow would never do that. But this is a fantasy, so it's understandable. That being said however, since I do watch the show, it's hard for me to picture Willow doing that. I think it would have been easier for me to make the transition from nice Willow to naughty Willow if you had mentioned maybe a look of anticipation in her eyes before giving the first command. On that same note, I would have said something like, "Regret had first bit at Willow's conscience when she gave the first two commands to Dawn, but after seeing her younger and often fantasized about friend naked, she took full advantage of the power she now had, letting her eyes rove greedily over..." Just a suggestion from a fan.

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Willow stripped off her top, now confident in the spell, leaving her clad only in a black bra, which she instructed Dawn to remove.

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I think this little action would have been more effective if it had been actually voiced. Again, just my opinion. I feel that way with most unspoken dialogue.

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I'm on the second page now, and everything so far is really good. I see a few grammatical/spelling errors, but nothing you couldn't probably catch on your own if you went over it again.

One thing though, since I've seen it a few times; you kept writing "realised", but the correct spelling is "realized." Just so you know. :ets.::

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"I'll just go and…you know, I've got to…I've got to go." Tara stuttered her way out and ended up almost fleeing the room. Dawn lay back on her bed, confused at the indescribable feeling she'd just had.

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I thought you captured Tara perfectly here. I loved her little stutter, insecure thing in the show, and I'm amazed that you included it in your story. Props to you!

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Then the amnesia faded and she remembered what had happened the day before.

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I think this line was a little rushed, and with your skill, could have phrased it in a better way.

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Okay, I really did enjoy this story, even though I'm not a big fan on girl/girl stories.

The only big thing that I noticed was there there were big words placed sporadically through your story, that didin't quite fit the tone you pretty much stuck with the entire time. It seemed like you probably started with a smaller word, and then went to the thesaurus, and replaced it with a bigger one. This isn't a crime or anything, but it did seem to stick out in my mind.
It could very well be that most people know those words and I didn't, so don't take it to heart.

You should be proud of this story! It really was well crafted, and I'm glad all of your efforts shined through in the end. Keep up the good work.

Sati

Ps- Sorry if my spelling is terrible! It only seems that way because it is. :O\

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks everyone so far. The more the better. Don't have time to reply to all atm, so I'll just do Sati's.

Sati: Thanks for making the effort. I'm so chuffed that you liked most of the characters; I was very worried about not getting them down correctly. Don't be afraid to criticise when you're critiqueing. You don't have to wrap all barbed comments in two layers of apologies.

Realized? I'm English. I will never, ever use that spelling in a story, any more than I would use color, or sulfur or ass. Shame on you .

The big words unfortunately is me. I actually use big words normally in speech and those ones tend to come to my mind first as being most apt. Oh well, hopefully most of them were understandable.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

To The Earl--

So now that I feel like an idiot for correcting your English spelling, I'll remember to keep that in mind for further reading.

Thanks for pointing it out.

Sati

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

Earl,
I'm not sure that I'm the best reader for this story.
I've never seen the show. (And should it be "celebrity"
at all? Aren't these fictional characters?)
Anyway, as a newcomer to these caracters, here's my take:
1) I liked the section between Dawn and Tara. There's
something about love -- and about lust -- which takes you;
you don't have it. Making it someboy else's spell which went wrong
is a new take on an old experience. And it was fairly hot as well.
2) The opening exposition was a real drag. O Henry used
to say he believed in putting the bitter medicine on the
and the sugar coating within. Still, I don't think he'd
put all that context so bluntly. And this is from somebody
who didn't have that context beforehand.
3) Willow's actions came across as unlikely from the way she
been presented. Is she actually acting in character?
4) And totally minor, but I want to know when *I* do
something like this. You have "clam down" for "calm down"
somehwere. I think in part two. Do a global search on
"clam down."

 

[sweetnpetite]

The big words unfortunately is me. I actually use big words normally in speech and those ones tend to come to my mind first as being most apt. Oh well, hopefully most of them were understandable.

The Earl

I can relate here. I use 'big words' all the time- I don't really realize it, or think that they are big words, they are just the ones that fit my thoughts the best. I used to get teased all the time. But now I'm dating a guy who's smart too so he doesn't even notice Well, I thought he didn't notice, but now all of a sudden he sais I'm pretentious. I wonder if its that or something else. Oh well, he can bite me Amyway, I had no problem with your "big words" enjoyed the feeling that I was reading something written intellegently by someone with intellegence. (Doesn that make me pretentious? lol) It didn't come accross as showy to me (but what do I know- ooh, I'm getting bitter, better go)

hugs,
sweetnpetite

 

[TheEarl]

Pretentious? Watashi?

The Earl