27F - My parents would like me to be part of their marriage. Seeking advice.

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxxxxx

Xxxxxxxx

 

[wallio]

thats a tough one, on one hand it may bring you closer but on the other it may destroy your relationship forever , i just cant give any advice on that , unless you can work it out with them and in your mind to try it once and everyone gets a free pass back to what you had before if it dont work out foor any one of you , then just say no

 

[Marty Fisher]

Hi everyone. I’m Laura, 27, a girl who typically lives in the Bay Area but who moved back to be with my parents during COVID. I’m dealing with an incredibly difficult situation and I was hoping for some input/advice.

I came back to the Midwest, where I grew up, to get out of California and to help my mom and dad with groceries and errands during the pandemic. I’m the second oldest of four siblings, and the oldest girl, and my parents have always thought of me as the most “together” and mature of their kids...the “sibling in chief,” basically. It’s a role in our family I really value and coming back home during this chaos was sort of an example of me living it out.

It’s honestly been really nice to be at home with them during all this...to be in my childhood home, my old bedroom, eating my mom’s cooking, just being in a safe space while the outside world is a mess, and having my mom and dad’s company - we’ve always been really close.

Apparently, though, my parents want to be close with me in a way that I never anticipated. I was up late talking with my mom over tea this past weekend and we were skirting the topic of sex. We never talk about it explicitly or directly, as close as we are, but as we were in the area of the topic, my mom said something that made my jaw drop: “you know, your dad and I often think of you that way.”


Honestly, it sent me reeling. At first it didn’t even register...I thought I had misunderstood, or was hearing things. But my mom explained that, for a long time, she and my dad have been...”interested” in me. I work as a consultant and it’s my job to hear people out and listen carefully, and with empathy, and that’s what I tried to do with my mom...a lot of nodding, a lot of calmly saying “I understand” and just trying to hear her out. But honestly, it was the hardest conversation of my life, and it only got harder when my mom asked me to consider going to bed with them.

I told her I would think deeply about our conversation. Then I went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt...so confused, so betrayed. I also felt this deep sense of empathy for my parents, to have carried a secret like this for so long, and a strange sense of pride that they trusted me enough to open up about it.

Since that initial conversation with my mom, I’ve sat down with both her and my dad and we’ve talked things out more as parents and daughter. What they’re asking of me is...a lot. I’m trying really, really hard to practice empathy and approach all this with an open mind. It’s been so emotionally intense. I guess I’m posting in the hope of starting a dialogue with people who might want to offer their input. I’m happy to answer questions and dive deeper into our dynamic, our family, and what it is my parents are hoping for. Thank you for listening.

The consultant in you is saying "listen before you respond" whereas the child in you is saying "wtf....hell no!". I'm all for consensual open relationships but in your case, I think you need to listen to your child and politely decline unless of course I've misread you or you have a change of heart. It probably took a lot for your parents to share their desires so I wouldn't hold that against them as they obviously see a LOT of depth and beauty in your beyond just being their child. This type of relationship is not for everyone so don't feel bad about your choice!

 

[mrdiscreetshh]

Hi everyone. I’m Laura, 27, a girl who typically lives in the Bay Area but who moved back to be with my parents during COVID. I’m dealing with an incredibly difficult situation and I was hoping for some input/advice.

I came back to the Midwest, where I grew up, to get out of California and to help my mom and dad with groceries and errands during the pandemic. I’m the second oldest of four siblings, and the oldest girl, and my parents have always thought of me as the most “together” and mature of their kids...the “sibling in chief,” basically. It’s a role in our family I really value and coming back home during this chaos was sort of an example of me living it out.

It’s honestly been really nice to be at home with them during all this...to be in my childhood home, my old bedroom, eating my mom’s cooking, just being in a safe space while the outside world is a mess, and having my mom and dad’s company - we’ve always been really close.

Apparently, though, my parents want to be close with me in a way that I never anticipated. I was up late talking with my mom over tea this past weekend and we were skirting the topic of sex. We never talk about it explicitly or directly, as close as we are, but as we were in the area of the topic, my mom said something that made my jaw drop: “you know, your dad and I often think of you that way.”


Honestly, it sent me reeling. At first it didn’t even register...I thought I had misunderstood, or was hearing things. But my mom explained that, for a long time, she and my dad have been...”interested” in me. I work as a consultant and it’s my job to hear people out and listen carefully, and with empathy, and that’s what I tried to do with my mom...a lot of nodding, a lot of calmly saying “I understand” and just trying to hear her out. But honestly, it was the hardest conversation of my life, and it only got harder when my mom asked me to consider going to bed with them.

I told her I would think deeply about our conversation. Then I went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt...so confused, so betrayed. I also felt this deep sense of empathy for my parents, to have carried a secret like this for so long, and a strange sense of pride that they trusted me enough to open up about it.

Since that initial conversation with my mom, I’ve sat down with both her and my dad and we’ve talked things out more as parents and daughter. What they’re asking of me is...a lot. I’m trying really, really hard to practice empathy and approach all this with an open mind. It’s been so emotionally intense. I guess I’m posting in the hope of starting a dialogue with people who might want to offer their input. I’m happy to answer questions and dive deeper into our dynamic, our family, and what it is my parents are hoping for. Thank you for listening.

First, you just have to accept your parents for who they are and how they are.

It is nice that you do feel empathy because after all they are only humans who gave birth to you and they're just like you, but with an interest in human sexuality more than others, in many ways taboo.

It's a very iffy topic, I don't have personal experience, but if I were to be in your situation, I would first ask myself, do I feel attracted to my parents or do I feel like they're attractive? If you didn't know them, would you think they're attractive? Do I trust them with my entire mind, body, soul?
The hardest question is, am I sexually comfortable and ready to venture out on this sexual journey where incest is part of it? With the right situation, I think it would work out.

It may just be the best thing ever in your life that is knocking on your door..
Start off slow, have dinner at home the 3 of you, sip on some wine and ease into the topic in whatever way you think is best.
It seems like they're open minded so share some of your sexual experiences you've had, and they'll love to hear your stories. You can ask mom what her favorite thing to do with dad? her favorite position? what gets dad in the mood?

You get the idea.
I think life brings situations to you and you always have freewill to make the decision of what serves you.
It is an experience with the 2 people who will love you unconditionally.
Love doesn't get any better than that.

Good luck and keep me posted via PM.

 

[WiserSoutherner]

FWIW - In your particular case I would decline. It is clear you are torn by this, and my personal interpretation is that you are trying to be kind because they are your parents and diminishing your own feelings in this matter. Or at the very least you are trying to see if you can convince yourself that you want to go along..

As I see it, if your parents love you and you decline things will work out and this will be the sharing of a secret and nothing more. However, if you go through with it you run the real risk of regret and hurting your relationship.

 

[Taggy1]

Hi everyone. I’m Laura, 27, a girl who typically lives in the Bay Area but who moved back to be with my parents during COVID. I’m dealing with an incredibly difficult situation and I was hoping for some input/advice.

I came back to the Midwest, where I grew up, to get out of California and to help my mom and dad with groceries and errands during the pandemic. I’m the second oldest of four siblings, and the oldest girl, and my parents have always thought of me as the most “together” and mature of their kids...the “sibling in chief,” basically. It’s a role in our family I really value and coming back home during this chaos was sort of an example of me living it out.

It’s honestly been really nice to be at home with them during all this...to be in my childhood home, my old bedroom, eating my mom’s cooking, just being in a safe space while the outside world is a mess, and having my mom and dad’s company - we’ve always been really close.

Apparently, though, my parents want to be close with me in a way that I never anticipated. I was up late talking with my mom over tea this past weekend and we were skirting the topic of sex. We never talk about it explicitly or directly, as close as we are, but as we were in the area of the topic, my mom said something that made my jaw drop: “you know, your dad and I often think of you that way.”


Honestly, it sent me reeling. At first it didn’t even register...I thought I had misunderstood, or was hearing things. But my mom explained that, for a long time, she and my dad have been...”interested” in me. I work as a consultant and it’s my job to hear people out and listen carefully, and with empathy, and that’s what I tried to do with my mom...a lot of nodding, a lot of calmly saying “I understand” and just trying to hear her out. But honestly, it was the hardest conversation of my life, and it only got harder when my mom asked me to consider going to bed with them.

I told her I would think deeply about our conversation. Then I went up to bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt...so confused, so betrayed. I also felt this deep sense of empathy for my parents, to have carried a secret like this for so long, and a strange sense of pride that they trusted me enough to open up about it.

Since that initial conversation with my mom, I’ve sat down with both her and my dad and we’ve talked things out more as parents and daughter. What they’re asking of me is...a lot. I’m trying really, really hard to practice empathy and approach all this with an open mind. It’s been so emotionally intense. I guess I’m posting in the hope of starting a dialogue with people who might want to offer their input. I’m happy to answer questions and dive deeper into our dynamic, our family, and what it is my parents are hoping for. Thank you for listening.

It’s a decision only you can take. Reading between the lines I think you’ve already made your mind up

 

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxxxx.

 

[KinkyLaughs]

Wow.

I’m not attracted to them, at all, and the idea of incest...of THAT kind of intimacy with them...is really hard to wrap my head around. But I do trust them, completely. I love them...they’re genuinely good people. They’ve always been good, kind, supportive parents...my biggest cheerleaders. I hate the idea of letting them down. There’s a big part of me that feels like I just need to put on my big girl pants and do this.

*If*...this is for REAL. It sounds like you feel that you Owe them this for being great parents...as you believe they are. Allow me to be Obama-Clear about this. YOU DO NOT OWE THEM THIS!! Put a period on it. Decline. Move on with life.

 

[ChrissyCD64]

Family sex isn't for everyone. It works well in our family, but that is us, not you. If you do go ahead with it, make sure you take it slowly and take all necessary precautions.

 

[powerstrokin]

The consultant in you is saying "listen before you respond" whereas the child in you is saying "wtf....hell no!". I'm all for consensual open relationships but in your case, I think you need to listen to your child and politely decline unless of course I've misread you or you have a change of heart. It probably took a lot for your parents to share their desires so I wouldn't hold that against them as they obviously see a LOT of depth and beauty in your beyond just being their child. This type of relationship is not for everyone so don't feel bad about your choice!

Well said

 

[Muwarr90]

If you need to convince yourself that it's a good idea to enter any sexual relationship, that is a huge warning that it is not a good idea.

 

[SunnyC]

You are a credit to your parents and your upbringing.

I sense in your narrative that they have let you down a little bit, and I can't blame you for feeling that way. I could not imagine being approached by a parent. As a horny young person I could have imagined being indulged by a parent, or if your parents had normalized their sexual appetite before making you an object of it and inviting you to participate, that might be easier to wrap your head around.

I guess that's it: It sounds as if you were broadsided both by your parents' suddenly open sexuality, and the startling (at the very least) knowledge that you are an object of it. Either one is asking a lot of a person, let alone both at once, and doubly so under the physical and emotional burdens of the pandemic. Please don't give in to their advances out of a sense of obligation, as you alluded in your follow-up because doing so will almost certainly ruin the relationship between you.

Most of all, after reading your posts I found myself thinking that you are a wonderful person to be handling it as thoughtfully and compassionately as you are. Who knows, maybe you'll work it all out and have a delightful time. In that case please come back and share your story with us!

 

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxxxx

 

[Stillrandy]

Possibly a rather clinical question: why do you suppose THEY need YOU in their sexual relationship? There are other (non-family) people with whom they might connect. What is it about making their daughter a sexual partner that would not be just as well, or better, met with someone else. This is one of the dynamics that needs to be part of your conversation with them, it seems to me.

 

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxxx

 

[Sioux City Male]

Just start out slow.

First off, instead of jumping in bed with them, get comfortable with with just only being nude about each other. Nothing more. Then as time goes by, if it feels right to you and them, maybe start exploring more. But if it doesn't feel right to you, then by all means, decline their offer.

 

[SunnyC]

As they’ve explained it to me, it’s about the intimacy and the taboo of it that’s EXTREMELY meaningful to them...the idea of doing something so powerful with their own daughter.

That sounds objectifying.

You describe a loving and healthy relationship with them up til now, but if I am reading you right their advances seem less loving and more selfish. I am forced to wonder if they know they are pushing you in a corner.

 

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxx

 

[10169kek]

For them, it’s about love and intimacy...knowing me at the deepest level possible.

Very interesting threat and quite a conundrum. The one that you may have mentioned and I missed was your personal relationships not involving Mom and Dad. Perhaps they are concerned about relationships that you may or may not be having. They may feel its a way for you to grow and move forward in your life.

That being said, don't succumb to parental pressure for a sexual relationship unless it is something that you want, not to please their wishes.

I wish you well with this and hope that everyone comes to an outcome amenable to all.

 

[Muwarr90]

For them, it’s about love and intimacy...knowing me at the deepest level possible.

They don't seem to know you deeply enough to understand how troubling this request is for you.

I don't think sexual intimacy is going to bring them that level of knowledge of you.

 

[lauraborealis]

Cxxxxx

 

[peterthelicker]

Are you the first person outside of their marriage they have approached or are they swingers?

 

[lauraborealis]

Xxxxx

 

[CuriousGuy62]

You seem genuine in how you have posed this. It also seems like posing this here - a site that I enjoy very much but is not my first thought of where to go for true therapy or deep advice - may not lead you to the answers you seek.
OTOH, there have been a few very thoughtful and insightful replies already, and I will do my best to offer one as well.

RUN AWAY!

It is incredibly selfish of your parents to put this burden on you. It is clear that you are a responsible daughter that respects and likes your parents, and wants to do what they ask of you. It is also clear that this is a burden for you, that you are not inclined to want it. Listen to those feelings. Honor yourself.

I am not saying that it is not possible in theory to have a mutual and respectful intimate relationship with your parents. Apparently several people on here do. And it is a common fantasy. But it does not seem like it is something you want or should entertain.

 

[Lady2020]

I have a hard time understanding where empathy comes into this kind of situation.