27 Aug 2001: White Out by HSWriter

[Weird Harold]

A belated selection from the author nominations:

HSWriter says:

Author: Me, Myself, and Britney Spears (kidding)
Title: White Out
Link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1130

Reason: I get limited feedback on this story which was my first ever story to hit #1 on the top lists way back before Laurel and Manu changed the Top Lists to their current format...

This story is in the Erotic Couplings category.

 

[Mickie]

The story -- well, it isn’t really a story. It’s a scene within a story. Actually, it’s really only a set-up to the sex part, and little else is revealed. The language used is wonderful; very descriptive and a little haunting. It’s too bad the writer ruins the beautiful language by ignoring some basic rules of grammar and sentence structure. When writing advances to this level (beyond the need for basic periods and captial letters) the writer needs to advance his/her knowledge of punctuation. Learning the uses of colons and semi-colons would help this piece out tremendously. A brush up on the correct usage of commas, paragraphs, and sentence structure would make this whole thing read very smooth.

The largest problem I saw was the tendency toward long, awkard sentences. If you use more than a single ‘ing’ word in a sentence, it would probably be better to break it down. Let the readers pause for a mental breath while reading and the reader will find the words easier to digest.

Descriptive sentences are fine, but they should still be complete sentences. IE -- ‘Smiling, observing our smoking habits, experimenting with new spatial relations.’ This could easily be changed into a complete sentence with one small change -- “Smiling, observing our smoking habits, we experimented with new spatial relations.”

Watch the use of ‘ly’ words. It’s a lazy habit to get into (along with using the word ‘almost’). Figure out a way to show the word instead of telling it. Focus it instead of using generalizations and you’ll get a more dramatic result. If she looks at the character nervously, then show it, don’t just say she was nervous. Details shouldn’t be difficult for you to come up with, given the depth in the writing style. A gesture or pose that indicates nervousness would work.

I can’t stress enough the need to edit in a slow read. Take each sentence separately, and don’t just skim the words looking for misspellings. Preferrably, don’t even look at the piece for a week, and THEN do the edit. It gives it a fresh appeal so you can spot the trees for the forest. (I, myself, am very guilty of rushing to submit without even a cursory edit aside from the spellcheck. This is the main problem I have, and I know it’s common with other authors.) The benefits of editing are known to all who have submitted, only to discover after the story posts that there are glaring errors. There are also other benefits that aren’t as quickly seen -- if the story is ‘polished’ then the readers will find it easier to digest, and thus like the entire story more.

Down to the details of the story -- again, it’s really a scene of a much larger story. First, what did the term ‘white out’ have to do with the actual story? At first I thought it might be a winter scene, using a blizzard as a binding focus. I love winter, and that made me smile. However, I ceased to smile when it was obvious there wasn’t going to be a winter scene. Okay, not a problem, except that, if you promise the reader something with a title or description in the beginning, it’s best to deliver on that promise. I know there was a sign in the window, but I think more could have been said about this.

Something I liked -- the lack of explanation or exposition. The characters are SHOWN, not told about. The scene is ‘in the moment’ and not a lot interferes with it. I didn’t have to skip a paragraph with a meaningless recitation of facts that matter not. Good job!

Characters -- We definitely get a sense of who the pov character is through his thoughts, even though the details of his life aren’t known. Perhaps a bit more of the female character could be added through his eyes, however. Is there a reason aside from her gorgeousness that he’s attracted to her? And what about her is gorgeous? No, not a description of her bra size and attributes, but perhaps just a look in her eyes and his reaction to it. There’s an edge of that already here. Perhaps expand it a little.

Setting -- the beginning is wonderful in setting the tone of the scene with the outside world. However, you seemed to have dropped it after the first few paragraphs in order to speed on to the sex. Keeping the same tone throughout the entire scene, especially DURING the sex, would have made it more memorable. This might have gone a long way toward fixing the problem with the title. White Out. I believe you used it to describe the setting of the window display. So describe the window display and keep that image. Personally, I would have had her draw the shade over the window, and had the sex take place right there on the display, using the imagery of the white out sale display to enhance the visual impact of the scene. As it is, this sex scene could be taking place anywhere, and that detracts from its uniqueness.

Conflict and tension -- there isn’t any. It’s a personal preference of mine, but I like tension in a story. A story itself is like sex -- the initial attraction due to a title or subject, then the seduction or lead up to the main scene, the climax, and the aftermath. Whether it’s good or mediocre depends on the writer. Tension makes for more intensity, which is good in sex and writing. Conflict is a good way to give tension to the scene. It’s simple to do. Decide on a goal for your main character, and then put obstacles in the way of that goal. Easy.

All in all, this is a good effort. Clean up the grammar, keep the tone of the story alive from beginning to end, and it would be a wonderful scene.

Thanks, HSWriter!

Mickie

 

[RisiaSkye]

More...

I'm pretty ambivalent about this story, so let me preface this by mentioning that I find celebrity fantasies very difficult to pull off. They just don't tend to work, imho. So, bear that in mind when looking at this critique.

1) It's a modest story, without big ambitions toward plot development. That's fine with me, I've written that way myself, and I think that (especially in this genre) the immediacy of an unexpected moment or encounter can be just as effective as a fully developed tale. So, while some will probably be put off by the incomplete plot line, I'm not.

2) It might be just me, but the Britney descriptions seem definitely skewed to a male reader. I know that she's the lust object du jour for many a red-blooded male, but she's not for me. The mere sight of her, or descriptions of her dimensions and colors, doesn't do it for me. I would suggest, like Mickie did, more emotion or character insight to generate at least some of the attraction. At present, the story's heat (at least that directed at Brit) seems to come from a preconception of her looks. This seems like a waste. She's a gorgeous young woman; there's more to be done here.

3) The title just isn't working. Something clever, or descriptive, or...something. This one's just falling flat, and it's a bit misleading, though that's not the major issue. It just doesn't do much for (or with) the story. If the window matters, use it. If not, drop it. Right now you're riding the fence.

4) Basic English rules are a must. I know how tedious it is to proof for all of that stuff, but it makes an enormous difference. Especially if you want to use long, complicated sentences/structures, you need to proofread. It's not just nitpicking, it really does affect the readability of the story, and the audience comprehension. As a reader, if I have to spend much time correcting grammar and/or punctuation in order to figure out the story, I give up and move on to the next one. And probably, the stories themselves deserve a full read.

5) Unlike Mickie, I'm not bothered by the lack of conflict or tension. I have no problem with viewing blissful moments, disconnected from other parts of life. I'm comfortable with the idea that life isn't a narrative. If anything, I think that this works for the story, in that there's no chance to muck things up with an unnecessarily complicated background story or aftermath.

6) Overall, I would say it shows promise. In another draft or two, this would be a really great story. Right now, it's just a little rough around the edges.