26 Sep 2001 Laurel's Pick: The Freak 21 by Simon_Ringwood

[Laurel]

From the Non-Erotic category:

The Freak 21
by Simon_Ringwood
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=24212

Synopsis: He tries to reconcile global grief with his personal happiness.

This is the first story from this author. Dig in!!

 

[Mickie]

Simon -- I finally had a chance to read through this without distractions, and I was emotionally affected. I don’t think I’ll ever know if it’s a good or bad emotion, but it moved me. The events of Sept. 11th were related in an apt tone that captured the surreal quality of the day, and the night was just as thoughtful. Are you really a journalism major? It sounds like it, from the tone of the piece. You got all the facts down, and still managed to insert the quality of the time to the work.

The premise of it is that we need to go on with our lives, even after something so horrible has happened. This is something I’ve heard and agree with. However, I was one of those who got angry that night when no one wanted to discuss what had happened. I was angry at a lot of things, and there was no where to put that anger. The solution here was something that a lot of people should have done, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been sympathetic on that particular day. It took me a lot longer to reach a point where I could forget long enough to go on with my life.

Mickie

 

[JUDO]

Can't...

Simon -

I started to read your piece, but I just can't do it. There's been so much of this stuff everywhere. I'm sorry, I'd like to give you feedback on the whole thing, but I didn't get past Peter Jennings...funny that.

I will try to get back to it and read it some other time, but right now the wound is still too raw for me. Sorry.

- Judo

 

[Mickie]

I think a lot of people feel that way, Judo. Otherwise, we probably would have had a few more bites on this one for discussion.

The lack of discussion doesn't mean that this isn't a good, well-written effort, though. It's just a raw subject for a lot of people.

Mickie

 

[CRaZy]

This is a very personal, insightful piece of writing which effectively captures the terrorist experience for the ordinary person who was not directly affected. For years to come, people will ask, "What were doing doing when the World Trade Towers collapsed?" Simon has been able to give us that answer in detail.

I really like the use of longer and shorter sentences and paragraphs to capture the emotion. "Then the first tower fell, live on TV" is a powerful single sentence paragraph. His rhetorical questions eg. 'How could I just comprehend going through the entire range of human emotion in one day?" help create a shared experience with the reader.

It would be so easy to be melodramatic when writing this piece and that has cleverly been avoided. This is a complex piece of writing which appears to be simple, truly a remarkable feat given the nature of the topic.

The tone is very conversational which works for such a personal piece. There would need to be adherence to traditional language and grammar in a more conventional piece eg. "me and my dad" slips in although most of the time he writes "my dad and I" and "The death toll would be obscene" is rather informal.

My only other suggestion is that as a writer it is your JOB to find a way to express emotions eg. "Though for reasons too abstract to assign words to. " Writers don't have the luxury of
saying they can't find the words. You have to find them and if you can't, you certainly don't tell your readers.

Overall, this is a genuinely moving piece of writing which avoids all the platitudes. I hope Simon showed it to the girl.

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

A nice diescription of how it was for one person --
okay, 2 people and a cat.

I don't think it is valid either to say, "It wasn't
quite like that," or to say, "That was the way that it was."

That is the way that it was for him -- or so he
says, and who else has his experiences to disagree
credibly.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Simon did a fabulous job summing up the prevalent feeling in the world that day. It was a horrible tragedy that will deeply affect us for days, months, years or more, but still, even eleven hours after the event, I'm glad to be alive and I'm okay with that.

It helps that a good month is between now and then.

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

Story about 11 Sept.

I thought that it was a convincing description of what
happened to one person.
If I had any criticism, it would be shapelessness. Real life
is like that, but many people think that stories should
not suffer from the same characteristic.