26 March 2001: The Dance

[Weird Harold]

This week's random story is in the Exhibitionist and Voyeur category.

The Dance
by HedoLiz

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=6178

Happy reading.

 

[Flurtayshus]

interesting

 

[Gus]

Some Dance!

A nice, well written piece. Slow paced, well described.

A couple of typo's that the editor should have seen, whilst on the subject I noticed a part where each sentence was in two pieces with an 'and' to connect. That disturbed the flow but not enough for me to make a proper note of it.

Plausible story, no unreal measurements etc. Pity that part three was not included, the story does need finishing.

Were I to be moderating this group I think that I would have been inclined to have excluded it on the grounds that it was unfinished. I don't like to read unfinished work unless I am editing. Having said that it was certainly best of the bunch so far.

Congratulations Hedoliz.

Gus

 

[MaxSebastian]

I loved the story - really nice idea - but I agree it might have been better being completely finished.

But hang on, if it was finished, wouldn't it be more of a group sex story than an exhibitionist/voyeur story? Maybe the author was just try to tease with this little number, rather than fully satisfy.

One thing I thought it needed was a little more of the transition between the point at which the luvverly lady was just going to show off her body to the crowd and the point at which she decided to go the full way and get in some group action. Might have been nice to get some more of the thought process behind that decision.

anyway, encore, that's what I say


Max

 

[DarlingBri]

The fact that it's unfinished bothers me less than the fact that it's not very well developed in my view. For a room with so many people in it, there are a decided lack of characters.

The only chacter drawn is the narrator. The only character development that goes into her is the bit over the prostituion issue, which felt really gimmicky to me.

I don't have a problem with limited charcter development if what someone whats to write is a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am story. But, very little of that nature actually occurs: a lady gets her kit off and masturbastes on stage; she gets felt up in the crowd.

For me, short stories, unless *really* well written, are often a compromise between character development and sexual action. In my view, we have neither here.

--Bri

 

[nitengale]

I did not think this story was well developed at all. I felt like the narrator took us this long road, with no real end in sight, and now are stuck on it until the next part is submitted for us to read.

The whole dance was a tease that never seemed to materialize, and maybe it will in the next part. There seemed to be a lot going on with nothing really going on...for me anyway.

 

[MorganHawke]

The Dance

I confess - I skimmed. (I'm a Bad Bad Morgan...)

'The Dance' had a good premise, (as a retired stripper, I can appreciate the possibilities for this tale a lot.) However, perhaps some judicious cutting would be in order. (Lots & Lots of Huge, Overbearing, Intimidating paragraphs.) Then add a more pronounced conclusion.

I'm wondering if 'The Dance' was the author's very first erotic piece. (My first piece is total drivel compared to what I'm writing these days and Literotica was kind enough to post it anyway. I still get the occassional letters on that story telling me that they liked it too.)

I noticed that the author has written several other pieces that did not seem to have the same um, ah... discrepencies? Well let's just say that there was a lot of improvement. Fewer run on sentances, towering paragraphs and a lot more action.

What appears to be totally missing to 'the Dance' is a point to the story. Also known as THEME. What was the author trying to Say with this story? What did it mean?

Well and sex was missing too but hey, perhaps the author was too shy to write it at the time. (I know I was for YEARS!)

 

[Gus]

The Dance

After reading what Max, Bri, Nitengale and Morgan had to say, I reread the tale and I find that I cannot agree with much that they said.

I am not saying that they are wrong but rather I didn't have the same experience.

Max - actually I didn't disagree with Max albeit I didn't need the extra 'thought process' business. I tend to accept what is said without worrying about the why.

DarlingBri - I didn't feel the need for other characters to be developed. This is a one person experience, told in the first person. I felt that the 'story' was well written but my opinion came not from any technical POV rather an experiential POV- I was carried along by the narrative.

Nitengale - Yes you hit it on the head - a lot going on with nothing going on! The power of the writing is that it carried you along that road to nowhere.

Morgan - When I looked back I could see what you were talking about, big,big paragraphs. You are certainly right there but I didn't notice on first reading. I think this says a lot about the treatment of the piece, paragraphs usually bug me. I suppose this is the difference between the role as a reader for pleasure and the role as editor.

The theme? Well maybe we have to wait for the last part. Maybe there wasn't a theme just someone relating their experience.

As for the sex, the whole thing was sex. Most women will tell you that sex isn't just the 'grab and thrust' but rather the cerebral quality that occasionally accompanies the physical.

Gus

 

[DarlingBri]

Perhaps I was unclear...

DarlingBri - I didn't feel the need for other characters to be developed. This is a one person experience, told in the first person. I felt that the 'story' was well written but my opinion came not from any technical POV rather an experiential POV- I was carried along by the narrative.

The charcter of the narrator is not developed at all, aside from this prostitution gimmick. As far as I was concerned, it was actually a "no person" experience.

Obviously, Gus, your reaction was very different, so clearly the story works for some readers as is... great for the author and great for those readers!

 

[nitengale]

Re: The Dance

Nitengale - Yes you hit it on the head - a lot going on with nothing going on! The power of the writing is that it carried you along that road to nowhere.

As a reader, I like a good old fashioned finale. Something in my upbringing. The story just didn't do anything for me, which isn't to say the writer did a rotten job with his writing. I just think it could have been a more developed plot. =)

 

[MorganHawke]

Re: The Dance

Originally posted by Gus
I am not saying that they are wrong but rather I didn't have the same experience.

Morgan - As for the sex, the whole thing was sex. Most women will tell you that sex isn't just the 'grab and thrust' but rather the cerebral quality that occasionally accompanies the physical.

Gus, it is obvious that you enjoyed 'The Dance' immensely. The author created a situation that you responded to. This makes the author a complete success, no matter the technical difficulties.

I am certainly not going to argue with another person's taste. You are entitled to thoroughly enjoy anything you like.

My taste is a little different - but hey, not everyone feels the same about dying their hair Pink, like mine!