26·March·2007 · "Flying with Dumbo" · unapologetic

[WickedEve]

FLYING WITH DUMBO
unapologetic

I find I sometimes miss my vibrator.
It’s not that I go without orgasm,
it’s just that it’s something I do alone.
I can play in front of my sweet husband
but I find it hard to complete the task
at hand, even with my cute elephant.

Some swear by rabbits, but that elephant,
perched at the base of my pink vibrator,
is more than able to handle the task.
For supplying rapturous orgasm,
as good as those achieved by my husband,
is what Dumbo does whene’er we’re alone.

I miss Dumbo when we can’t be alone,
(so strange to miss a plastic elephant).
Still, I’ve got an understanding husband;
it was he who purchased the vibrator,
the bringer of shattering orgasm,
that so rarely fails to finish the task.

Not that I need Dumbo’s help with the task,
fingers work fine, if I’m ever alone,
and God knows I don’t need an orgasm.
But I’m really fond of my elephant
of my pretty, pink, see-through vibrator,
and I need my time without my husband.

A week of non-stop time with a husband,
who’s also way more than up to the task,
still leaves me craving my cute vibrator.
Today, when finally I was alone,
I sought the solace of my elephant
who then brought me more than one orgasm.

Each one was just perfect, each orgasm
that I had without aid of my husband.
Each wave of the trunk of that elephant
brought me closer to finishing my task.
So, that’s what I did with my time alone:
I sat home and played with my vibrator.

With each orgasm, each completed task,
I crave my husband, and less time alone,
‘cause the elephant’s just a vibrator.​

I posted it here https://forum.literotica.com/show...43#post21982043 but I'm going to put the text of it in this message as well. This one was fun to write, but I'd like some feedback. Specifically, if anyone can help me iron out the iambic pentameter - I achieved it in some places, but not in others. Any feedback is welcome, though. Thanks!

 

[WickedEve]

for starters

It's redundant in spots and verbose.
Cut the poem in half, then trim it some more, and you'll have a stronger poem.

 

[champagne1982]

On the subject of iambic metre, I wonder why that rhythm is important. To write a long poem, without multiple subjects, in metre is incredibly difficult. It's almost a hardfast rule that English is spoken with only one accented syllable per word, unless it's a compound. I mentioned before, in another thread, that iams are easier if you stick with one or two syllable words. Simple is definitely better.

If you simplify your language, you'll definitely want to trim your poem. Iambic works in Shakespeare because he's writing a play, filled with many different voices and each of them saying something that moves the story along, but even bold William allows his verse to slide out of iambic. Resting until the moment calls for it.

You are called plain Kate,
And bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst;
But Kate, the prettiest Kate in Christendom
Kate of Kate Hall, my super-dainty Kate,
For dainties are all Kates, and therefore, Kate,
Take this of me, Kate of my consolation.​

When this is spoken aloud, you can hear how Petruchio slides into an almost lilting tease even though it's not completely iambic. Now Cleopatra in Antony and Cleopatra has a wonderful bit of iambic speech in this scene:

O Charmian,
Where think'st thou he is now? Stands he or sits he?
Or does he walk? or is he on his horse?
O happy horse, to bear the weight of Antony!
Do bravely, horse; for wot'st thou whom thou mov'st?
The demi-Atlas of this earth, the arm
And burgonet of men. He's speaking now,
Or murmuring 'Where's my serpent of old Nile?'​

I wouldn't agonize over metre too long, you're not writing a formula that requires iambic verses after all. When you do slide into the rhythm, it should come fresh to us, as a clever change up in our reading. A poem of this length, completely iambic would lull me to sleep.

 

[naamplao]

As with WE, I found this poem far too long for the material presented. You mention "alone" and "my husband" in every verse without really much different added. There is no progression as we pass verse to verse. I almost think I could shuffle the verses without a loss of meaning or flow.

I also found the ending rather flat.

 

[unapologetic]

Thanks for the great feedback so far! A few points:

1. The length and repetition are dictated by the form - it's a sestina.
2. The reason I was trying for iambic pentameter is because a lot of the sestinas that I've read have had that rhythm.
3. I kind of thought the last stanza was sweet.

Thanks again!

 

[champagne1982]

Thanks for the great feedback so far! A few points:

1. The length and repetition are dictated by the form - it's a sestina.
2. The reason I was trying for iambic pentameter is because a lot of the sestinas that I've read have had that rhythm.
3. I kind of thought the last stanza was sweet.

Thanks again!

Oh man! I hear egg whites are good for the skin, which is perfect because I've got it all over my face! I'm sorry for not recognizing the form.

I think your meter problems will get easier if you count syllables rather than metrical feet. Once you have that sorted out, finding synonyms for words and some rearrangement will give you that iambic edge you're looking for.

 

[naamplao]

Thanks for the great feedback so far! A few points:

1. The length and repetition are dictated by the form - it's a sestina.
2. The reason I was trying for iambic pentameter is because a lot of the sestinas that I've read have had that rhythm.
3. I kind of thought the last stanza was sweet.

Thanks again!

Well I must confess that I am not familiar with this form of poetry so I looked it up and you seem to follow the rules as far as line endings go and form in general.

But I think you focused on the line endings and the ten syllabels rather than the content of the line. You also lose focus on the rhythm of the syllabels within the line...you even introduce commas at times that forcibly disrupts the rhythm.

As far as the poem goes I still stand by my thoughts that form aside, the verses don't have a progression in content from a start to end...it seems jumbled to me...sorry.

 

[WickedEve]

Thanks for the great feedback so far! A few points:

1. The length and repetition are dictated by the form - it's a sestina.
2. The reason I was trying for iambic pentameter is because a lot of the sestinas that I've read have had that rhythm.
3. I kind of thought the last stanza was sweet.

Thanks again!

I was on a site last week, reading about the sestina. Obviously, I still know nothing!

 

[unapologetic]

Well I must confess that I am not familiar with this form of poetry so I looked it up and you seem to follow the rules as far as line endings go and form in general.

But I think you focused on the line endings and the ten syllabels rather than the content of the line. You also lose focus on the rhythm of the syllabels within the line...you even introduce commas at times that forcibly disrupts the rhythm.

As far as the poem goes I still stand by my thoughts that form aside, the verses don't have a progression in content from a start to end...it seems jumbled to me...sorry.

I did post it here with only minor editing. I was just so proud of myself for having written a sestina about a vibrator - the juxtaposition of the supremely cerebral (sestina) with the extremely visceral (vibrator) pleased me, probably more than it should have.

I will definitely take your comments into consideration when I go to do the next edit. Thanks to you and to everyone else who's added to the thread for taking the time to read my silly poem and comment.

 

[BooMerengue]

Unapologetic! Live up to your name! For anyone who's ever tried to write a Sestina will recognize your skill. It's a damned hard form (for me- I do know some that are able to zing them right out!) and I think you did a great job. So what about the content? We all write silly stuff now and then. You did a fine job, and now that you've done it you'll do more and hone the craft. Don't worry about the meter- it's not important. Well, not as important as the fact that you took 6 words and wrote a great poem around them.

Kudos to you!!

Boo

 

[unapologetic]

Unapologetic! Live up to your name! For anyone who's ever tried to write a Sestina will recognize your skill. It's a damned hard form (for me- I do know some that are able to zing them right out!) and I think you did a great job. So what about the content? We all write silly stuff now and then. You did a fine job, and now that you've done it you'll do more and hone the craft. Don't worry about the meter- it's not important. Well, not as important as the fact that you took 6 words and wrote a great poem around them.

Kudos to you!!

Boo

It wasn't intended to be an apology (although my alias is more what I want to be than what I am). Thanks for the vote of confidence, though.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

This is an ambitious attempt at writing a sestina (in my opinion one of the most difficult of forms) and your choice of a concrete subject made it even more difficult because it limits the scope.

Given that, I think you did well, it's very hard to keep the reader absorbed to the last three lines.

 

[miss_mystery]

Okay. Hi. I'm practicing my metrical critique abilities here.

I've broken down the first stanza into metrical feet, and marked the stressed syllables with an asterix at the beginning of each stress. Properly, the words 'vibrator', 'elephant', and 'orgasm' are dactyls, and are suffering from some serious stress abuse. That is to say, the words, naturally spoken, have a stress on the first syllables *vib, *el, and *or, and essentially, no stress on the two subsequent syllables (at least for your purposes). It's sheer torture for those poor words to have to carry extra stress on the last syllables. Try sounding the line out, and then just saying the words alone. You'll find that you're changing the stresses just to try and fit them into something resembling iambic pentameter. That was the first part.

The second, I'm so sorry, is that this in no way resembles iambic pentameter, not in the slightest. To count as iambic, three or more of the feet in each line have to be pure iambs (unless double iambs, pyrrhic spondee combos). Additionally, the pattern for the meter should be set up within the first couple of lines. You've missed out on that with trying to stretch 'vibrator' and 'orgasm' into having more than just that first natural stress. I'm not even sure that the third line shouldn't scan as iamb anapest anapest iamb, to be honest, but that's neither here, nor there. I'm afraid I don't have time today to scan the entire piece, but I think this first stanza tells the reader all he/she needs to know. It's limping. Your lumbering elephant has lots of sore feet, and he wishes he had wings. It was an awfully good try, though, and I think you're quite brave, as metrical poetry is terrifically difficult to write, and sestinas--sort of more so. My humble suggestion: start with a sonnet. The italian or the elizabethan kind, doesn't really matter. They're easier, without having all the bleeding word-play to make your writer's mind go bonkers. Best of luck, keep at it. And have a look around on the web for resources on metrics.

Thanks,
Miss M.

Post-script: please, oh please, oh please--- whene'er is the most horrible and archaic contraction. No one uses these words, and ne'er did, except to make it fit into a metric line. It just looks so awkward and pretentious when surrounded by contemporary diction.


iamb iamb sponde iamb iamb
I *find/ I *some/*times *miss/ my *vib/ra *tor/.

iamb iamb sponde iamb iamb
It’s *not/ that *I/ *go *with/out *or/gas *m/,

iamb pyrrhic trochee iamb iamb
it’s *just/ that it’s/ *something/ I *do/ a *lone./

iamb trochee trochee iamb trochee
I *can/ *play in /*front of /my *sweet /*husband/

pyrrhic trochee trochee iamb iamb
but I/ *find it/ *hard to/ com *plete/ the *task/

iamb trochee trochee sponde iamb
at *hand/, *ev en/ *with my/ *cute el/ e *phant./

post-post-script: After a quick look, these lines, along with a couple of others, scan beautifully! This is the metric cadence that you want each line to have, throughout the whole poem. There's only one substitution for an iamb in the first line (the trochee), which is perfectly acceptable, and no stumble in the meter at all, at all.

iamb trochee iamb iamb iamb
With *each/ *or gas/m, *each/ com *plet/ed *task,/
iamb iamb pyrrhic sponde iamb
I *crave/ my *hus/band, and/ *less *time/ a *lone,/

and, sorry to disagree with one of the posters above, don't count syllables. It won't get you anywhere except to a place where you're even more frustrated. Syllable count has very little to do with metrical poetry, and much more to do with syllabic poetry. Training the ear to recognize stress, and subsequently organizing them, is the only way to do it. Also, writing lots and lots of blank verse helps too, of course.

FLYING WITH DUMBO
unapologetic

I find I sometimes miss my vibrator.
It’s not that I go without orgasm,
it’s just that it’s something I do alone.
I can play in front of my sweet husband
but I find it hard to complete the task
at hand, even with my cute elephant.

Some swear by rabbits, but that elephant,
perched at the base of my pink vibrator,
is more than able to handle the task.
For supplying rapturous orgasm,
as good as those achieved by my husband,
is what Dumbo does whene’er we’re alone.

I miss Dumbo when we can’t be alone,
(so strange to miss a plastic elephant).
Still, I’ve got an understanding husband;
it was he who purchased the vibrator,
the bringer of shattering orgasm,
that so rarely fails to finish the task.

Not that I need Dumbo’s help with the task,
fingers work fine, if I’m ever alone,
and God knows I don’t need an orgasm.
But I’m really fond of my elephant
of my pretty, pink, see-through vibrator,
and I need my time without my husband.

A week of non-stop time with a husband,
who’s also way more than up to the task,
still leaves me craving my cute vibrator.
Today, when finally I was alone,
I sought the solace of my elephant
who then brought me more than one orgasm.

Each one was just perfect, each orgasm
that I had without aid of my husband.
Each wave of the trunk of that elephant
brought me closer to finishing my task.
So, that’s what I did with my time alone:
I sat home and played with my vibrator.

With each orgasm, each completed task,
I crave my husband, and less time alone,
‘cause the elephant’s just a vibrator.​

I posted it here https://forum.literotica.com/show...43#post21982043 but I'm going to put the text of it in this message as well. This one was fun to write, but I'd like some feedback. Specifically, if anyone can help me iron out the iambic pentameter - I achieved it in some places, but not in others. Any feedback is welcome, though. Thanks!

 

[unapologetic]

Syllable count has very little to do with metrical poetry, and much more to do with syllabic poetry. Training the ear to recognize stress, and subsequently organizing them, is the only way to do it. Also, writing lots and lots of blank verse helps too, of course.

Thank you so much for this. I was trying to hard with certain parts of this poem, and I don't think it's salvageable as a sestina, but I might try to rework it anyway.

 

[ghost_girl]

............

 

[manipulatrix]

.,...

 

[Peregrinator]

Riles