24 M Sharing a personal story and seeking opinion from women

[Okardmoht]

[FIRST PART]

Hi everyone,

I'm posting this with the hope of getting some advice even though I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm seeking here…

This happened about a year and a half ago and sorry for butchering English as it is not my mother tongue.

Background:

It all started last year's summer when I was doing an internship in Paris to graduate from my engineering school (I'm from France so we have to do a 6 month internship to graduate from engineering school or at least in my school). I hadn't been in a relationship ever, I just did my first time with a girl like 2 years prior to this event. I'm quite the introvert and don't go out much except with friends. So usually, I don't meet new people apart from school (and now work).

So while in Paris, I just did this usual on and off dating apps. And one day, I matched with this 36 filipina girl that told me I looked like a singer she used to like when she was a teenager. We continued to chat for a while, talking about family, what we were doing, etc... and eventually, we got to these "what are you looking for" kind of questions. I think I told her I was looking for someone to have sex with. I honestly still have no clue what was going on in my mind to be able to say stuff like this so bluntly. Maybe it's because I'm usually much more confident when talking to older people, like they will accept me better or something. Moreover, since I have lived abroad I'm also more confident with foreign people and she was a foreigner living in Paris so maybe I was like "fuck it" lets do it. I also told her that I was only here for a few months since I was doing an internship and that any relationship would not last after it. She wasn't looking for anything at all, she just moved from Greece because she got divorced, leaving her children with her ex husband there. She came to France because she has some family here. When we started talking, she had been in France for at best 6 months and wasn't looking to date anybody.
In the end, she told me she saw me as some kind of brother mainly because of my age and that she couldn't see me as a potential partner. But I insisted a little bit and eventually got a date with her.


First couple dates :

We grabbed something to eat then went to the cinema (I think we watched Dungeons and Dragons or something, funny movie). Really casual date (i mean probably the third one in my whole life), everything good, talked a little bit about life, family and stuff. When we came out of the cinema, there was a couple on the side cuddling but in some very naughty way and like literally on a bench in front of everyone (naughty little freaks...just kidding). We laughed a lot about it and it was a wonderful evening for both of us I think. After that we both went home, talked a little more. I told her I wanted to grab her hand but was too shy to do it because I'm introvert. She laughed if off and told me I should have done it.

Second date we went to the cinema again (I think it was a vampire movie with Nicolas Cage in it or something again pretty funny if not taken seriously). Again what a wonderful time, holding hands on the way to the cinema. On our way back while waiting for the bus, we were literally sitting on the curbs holding hands, I told her I wanted to kiss her and so we did. Godly experience... I don't have much dating experience so I don't know how to kiss properly but it went really smooth, nothing too awkward, I loved it.

Third date, we went to a Park near her house to chill, talk about life, eat snacks and listen to music. At one point I got to lie down on her lap and once again what a divine experience. While she laughed, she would kind of go backward and forward which would put her breast in my face and I can’t help to think how magic it was... We stayed there for some time then went home. While texting, I teased her about putting her breast on my face on purpose and it was very funny, I could feel her getting embarrassed even though I was just joking.

Fast forward to the fourth date which was the fated one. We had dinner in this Korean place because she wanted to show me Korean chicken and it was indeed amazing. After that we went to her house and eventually went to bed. We cuddled a bit and then tried to go to sleep in spoon position (do you even say that in english?), me being the big one. What a mistake...or was it ? I was so hard that of course I was poking her and after some time and a little bit of laughter we did it ! She kind of handled everything from start to finish because as I said I didn't have much experience… And neither did she. Still she was doing so good I came in minutes...


1/3​

 

[Okardmoht]

[SECOND PART]

Getting used to each other :

After that, everything went exceptionally well. From casual evenings, watching movies, series, listening to music while singing, dancing, to more emotionally hard ones. We managed to open up to each other in a way I didn't think I would ever open to anyone. We got a little bit of tears here and there but mostly tears of relief I think. That's when I learned about her ex husband and their life together. It was good at first when they met in UAE but when they got back to his country (in Greece), everything went south i would say. She didn't have much experience before her husband either because she had to care for her brothers when her mom came to France. They argued about many things and what she told me is that all he was doing in the house was smoking pot and not even cleaning after his own mess. Her sex life with her ex husband could be probably summed up as her husband pleasuring himself while not giving a damn about her. That's why she probably was never really into sex.

We learned together and gosh...we went quite fast from timid kisses to full french kisses. Why the hell have I not kissed anyone like that before. Who hid this kissing thing from me for 23 years !!!!! (Obviously myself because of me being introvert and not going to parties and stuff but anyway). Making love with her with her was the most soulwarming thing I have ever done, ever. But god what would sex be without kisses before, during and after it ?? I swear I could be suspended to her lips forever and not get bored of them... We had lots of different kind of sex (or did try at least) and It was just as if there was no age gap between us. We tried many things, in the bed, the shower, her landlord's bathtub, the floor, her table, etc.... And god I love it, I loved her… She even started to enjoy sex and ask for it even though she had no interest in it at first. We grew really close as the end of my internship came closer. We were so into each other that we didn't want to see the end coming or at least I did. And honestly, we just indulged into each other's bodies and souls to the point that a heartbreaking ending was the only outcome.​

Breakup :

The last day, the 30th September, I felt miserable. On the way to the train station I could not utter a single words otherwise I would have started crying... Everytime I opened my mouth, my eyes would start tearing up. So in the end, I think I almost didn't say anything the whole trip to the train station. Neither did she… She did try to speak some words and all I could do was nod my head... I told her that we should not contact each other not to contact each other because I thought it would be easier to move on for both of us but what a mistake (Here I am telling our story more than a year after). On the train, I could not stop crying. After getting to my destination, I could not stop either, I had to take a break, sit down and take a look at the night sky thinking it would help, but in fact, it did not… I got home and tried to sleep since I was starting my new job the next morning.

I moved to this city because I was hired by some aerospace company and for 2 weeks straight I would go to work, come home, look at the ceiling and cry. So I started to focus on work as much as I could to try to forget about her and It kind of worked (I was not forgetting about her but being so busy that I could not think of anything but work helped).

After a month there, her birthday was coming and I thought I would send her a letter to tell her everything was going well (everything was not going well) and try to take a little bit of news. I'm not proud of that but I also wrote some bullshit stuff like "you deserve better… bla bla bla" But only to realize afterwards what a load of crap it was, just trying to make myself feel better... Still, sending that letter really helped me, took a little bit of weight out of my chest.

Nothing came back after two weeks. I was honestly relieved and I thought "alright she has moved on, time to move on myself". But three or four weeks later I got something back... And that was the worst freakin experience ever. When I opened that envelope, my nose, my head, my whole body was filled once again with her smell and closing my eyes, I could feel her right beside me. I immediately closed the envelope without even reading the letter inside and started crying. I didn't touch it for the next week and finally opened it. I did tear up reading it, it was not easy and I really felt bad. In the end, I chose not to answer because I don't know why but it felt like if I answered it, It would have never stopped and we would have never let go of each other. And of the many things I regret not telling her is the reason why I can't be with her longer. I was ready to be a boyfriend and a lover not a husband nor a stepfather. Although I know she would have not asked me to be that. Eventually, I love and care so much for her that I want her to find that man. The man that will love her and her children more than me and forever. That I could not tell her and I regret it a little...

2/3​

 

[LoneMilf]

Just in case you're wondering why nobody replies..

This is much too much information in one go! And it's basically a wall of text with no formatting. I doubt anyone will read more than the first few lines.

If you want a response, you need to make it easier for us

 

[ShinyCrazyDi]

I moved to this city because I was hired by some aerospace company and for 2 weeks straight I would go to work, come home, look at the ceiling and cry. So I started to focus on work as much as I could to try to forget about her and It kind of worked (I was not forgetting about her but being so busy that I could not think of anything but work helped). After a month there, her birthday was coming and I thought I would send her a letter to tell her everything was going well (everything was not going well) and try to take a little bit of news. I'm not proud of that but I also wrote some bullshit stuff like "you deserve better… bla bla bla" But only to realize afterwards what a load of crap it was, just trying to make myself feel better... Still, sending that letter really helped me, took a little bit of weight out of my chest. Nothing came back after two weeks. I was honestly relieved and I thought "alright she has moved on, time to move on myself". But three or four weeks later I got something back... And that was the worst freakin experience ever. When I opened that envelope, my nose, my head, my whole body was filled once again with her smell and closing my eyes, I could feel her right beside me. I immediately closed the envelope without even reading the letter inside and started crying. I didn't touch it for the next week and finally opened it. I did tear up reading it, it was not easy and I really felt bad. In the end, I chose not to answer because I don't know why but it felt like if I answered it, It would have never stopped and we would have never let go of each other. And of the many things I regret not telling her is the reason why I can't be with her longer. I was ready to be a boyfriend and a lover not a husband nor a stepfather. Although I know she would have not asked me to be that. Eventually, I love and care so much for her that I want her to find that man. The man that will love her and her children more than me and forever. That I could not tell her and I regret it a little...

That brings us to now, more than a year after and I have not stopped thinking about her. Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I do feel bad about it too. When I think of her for good reasons (her being well, her brothers, children, the time we spend together) then it's alright but every time I remember us making love, having sex, kissing her and everything, I feel so so bad because I can't help but think that I am not better than her husband and that's the main reason why I have not contacted her for this past year. I do not want to contact her because of the lust I have for her. The problem is that for a year now almost every Saturday and Sunday when I wake up, I'm hard as hell and all I can think of is her. I can't help but remember us making love... I have even tried to look for her in porn, looking for filipina girls that look like her... I have been on the edge to contact her many times now, for her birthday this year too I thought about sending something. And as Christmas and new years eve are coming closer I don't know why but I am more tempted than ever.
I really don't know what to do. 99% of myself is convinced not to send anything but that little 1% left is screaming to send her something, much louder than these 99%. Since I'm on holiday now, my mind is not being filled with work and I have more time to think about it and I might send her a text asking if she has changed her address. If no, I might send a letter again just hoping I get one back with her perfume in it....

As I’m writing this, I just came out of some Hans Zimmer tribute one hour concert. And damn seeing all this couple together made me want to go on so many dates with her again.

I have not told this story to many people and the two people that I told the story to told me not to send her a message. It is not clear in my head if I’m looking for someone to tell me to go for it or not. Someone to tell me to try to talk to other women, meet other women. I don’t know…

If it was you ladies, how would you react to me sending a message a year after ? I know I have not told every little detail but if you need I can answer questions.

Once again sorry for butchering your language,
A very confused young man.​

You're going to HATE my answer! Sorry. It's just... it 100% depends on the woman.

For me, a gift from an ex (from what sounds a bit like an intense holiday romance) would be a little WTF.

BUT this woman sounds very different to my personality - from how you've described her, it's possible she'd feel flattered to have you reach out? Unless she's made it clear she wants a clean-break or has moved on, you may be able to shoot your shot. Maybe? Especially if you think you'll be able to handle rejection if she's not interested?

From what you wrote... I got the impression that you might be conflating an emotional connection with infatuation. That's just what I took from it (other people will read something else).

She's a woman closing in on 40 (who may have lied about her age, my BFF's from Manilla & according to him it's very common for people from the Philippines to lie about their age when dating) & is still reeling from an unhappy marriage & divorce. She has children. I imagine she's looking for someone to help raise them, to be a father, to step into that role. But I wouldn't presume that I, a person on the other side of the world, has any real ability to tell that just from what you've posted.

You've been on a handful of dates & had sex, but I'm not sure that the 'relationship' has legs, or if you're clinging to the IDEA of a relationship. As a fellow introvert (although I'm NOT a shy-one) it can be exhausting meeting new people, so it's cool that you even tried the dating app thing! I'd recommend getting a few more dating miles under your belt.

You may also benefit from looking up the term 'limerence'. It's a term/definition that I think can be helpful for the extra-romantic people out there sometimes.

Wishing you all the best of luck - hoping you meet people who you really click with. You're still young! You never know where life will take you

 

[Okardmoht]

Just in case you're wondering why nobody replies..

This is much too much information in one go! And it's basically a wall of text with no formatting. I doubt anyone will read more than the first few lines.

If you want a response, you need to make it easier for us

Hi, may I ask for a little bit of help when it comes to formatting it ? Can I ask you in PM (I think these kind of questions do not belong here right) ?

You're going to HATE my answer! Sorry. It's just... it 100% depends on the woman.

For me, a gift from an ex (from what sounds a bit like an intense holiday romance) would be a little WTF.

BUT this woman sounds very different to my personality - from how you've described her, it's possible she'd feel flattered to have you reach out? Unless she's made it clear she wants a clean-break or has moved on, you may be able to shoot your shot. Maybe? Especially if you think you'll be able to handle rejection if she's not interested?

From what you wrote... I got the impression that you might be conflating an emotional connection with infatuation. That's just what I took from it (other will read something else).

She's a woman closing in on 40 (who may have lied about her age, my BFF's from Manilla & according to him it's very common for people from the Philippines to lie about their age when dating) & is still reeling from an unhappy marriage & divorce. She has children. I imagine she's looking for someone to help raise them, to be a father, to step into that role. But I wouldn't presume that I, a person on the other side of the world, has any real ability to tell that just from what you've posted.

You've been on a handful of dates & had sex, but I'm not sure that the 'relationship' has legs, or if you're clinging to the IDEA of a relationship. As a fellow introvert (although I'm NOT a shy-one) it can be exhausting meeting new people, so it's cool that you even tried the dating app thing! I'd recommend getting a few more dating miles under your belt.

You may also benefit from looking up the term 'limerence'. It's a term/definition that I think can be helpful for the extra-romantic people out there sometimes.

Wishing you all the best of luck - hoping you meet people who you really click with. You're still young! You never know where life will take you

Well thanks for reading everything as it must have not been easy as, pointed by LoneMilf, it was basically a wall of text...

Secondly, don't worry I don't hate on anybody's opinion if given genuinly ! I was the one who wanted a clean-break so that we could maybe both move on more easily but well here I am... And that's why I'm confused if I should contact her or not. I think I would be able to handle rejection but still the idea that I might drag her back in when she has moved on scares me a little... I think it would be selfish of me and yet I want to do it so bad ahhhhh

You're right I might be clinging to that idea of a relarionship and trying dating apps again might be a good Idea too.

I'll definitly do some research on that 'limerence' thing.

Thank you for for taking the time and your kind words

 

[LoneMilf]

Hi, may I ask for a little bit of help when it comes to formatting it ? Can I ask you in PM (I think these kind of questions do not belong here right) ?

Feel free to PM me.

It's pretty simple though:
1) Reduce the content as much as possible. No need to provide that much detail
2) Use plenty of full stops, shorter paragraphs and empty lines
3) And if it's even close to hitting the limit for one message - repeat number 1 as many times as needed

 

[ShinyCrazyDi]

I think sometimes, if we're feeling lonely, we might be more inclined to look at old relationships through rose-coloured lenses (not sure if that translates as you said English was your second language? BTW your English is really good!)

(Just in case you don't know the saying - "through rose coloured lenses" implies it's not an entirely unbiased version of reality, sometimes it's sweeter in our memory than it really was).

That being said - sometimes people find their way back to each other after break-ups & it all works out.

But if you were someone I knew I think I would be encouraging you to put yourself back out there & have a bit more experience before signing up for something so intense & commitment-heavy. Good luck out there! Dating can be awesome (but also a real pain sometimes). I'm sure there are some amazing people you've yet to meet.

 

[Okardmoht]

Feel free to PM me.

It's pretty simple though:
1) Reduce the content as much as possible. No need to provide that much detail
2) Use plenty of full stops, shorter paragraphs and empty lines
3) And if it's even close to hitting the limit for one message - repeat number 1 as many times as needed

You answered my questions before I even asked, thanks ! No need to fill in your inbox then I'll try to make shorter paragraphs and maybe across multiple posts !

I think sometimes, if we're feeling lonely, we might be more inclined to look at old relationships through rose-coloured lenses (not sure if that translates as you said English was your second language? BTW your English is really good!)

(Just in case you don't know the saying - "through rose coloured lenses" implies it's not an entirely unbiased version of reality, sometimes it's sweeter in our memory than it really was).

That being said - sometimes people find their way back to each other after break-ups & it all works out.

But if you were someone I knew I think I would be encouraging you to put yourself back out there & have a bit more experience before signing up for something so intense & commitment-heavy. Good luck out there! Dating can be awesome (but also a real pain sometimes). I'm sure there are some amazing people you've yet to meet.

Thanks for the explanation. I guess in my language the closest equivalent I could come up with would be voir la vie en rose.

In general, I know I tend to be a bit nostaIgic (even about stuff I have not know like music of the 80s, sometimes I wish I was born in that era...). So for sure me being lonely now doesn't help and freeing myself from these shackles is something I've tried to work on the past year. Maybe I should try harder to met those amazing people you have spoken of.

 

[Okardmoht]

[LAST PART]

Today :

That brings us to now, more than a year after and I have not stopped thinking about her. Sometimes I feel good about it and sometimes I do feel bad about it too. When I think of her for good reasons (her being well, her brothers, children, the time we spend together) then it's alright but every time I remember us making love, having sex, kissing her and everything, I feel so so bad because I can't help but think that I am not better than her husband and that's the main reason why I have not contacted her for this past year. I do not want to contact her because of the lust I have for her.
The problem is that for a year now almost every Saturday and Sunday when I wake up, I'm hard as hell and all I can think of is her. I can't help but remember us making love... I have even tried to look for her in porn, looking for filipina girls that look like her... I have been on the edge to contact her many times now, for her birthday this year too I thought about sending something. And as Christmas and new years eve are coming closer I don't know why but I am more tempted than ever.
I really don't know what to do. 99% of myself is convinced not to send anything but that little 1% left is screaming to send her something, much louder than these 99%. Since I'm on holiday now, my mind is not being filled with work and I have more time to think about it and I might send her a text asking if she has changed her address. If no, I might send a letter again just hoping I get one back with her perfume in it....

As I’m writing this, I just came out of some Hans Zimmer tribute one hour concert. And damn seeing all this couple together made me want to go on so many dates with her again.

I have not told this story to many people and the two people that I told the story to told me not to send her a message. It is not clear in my head if I’m looking for someone to tell me to go for it or not. Someone to tell me to try to talk to other women, meet other women. I don’t know…

If it was you ladies, how would you react to me sending a message a year after ? I know I have not told every little detail but if you need I can answer questions.

Once again sorry for butchering your language,
A very confused young man.

3/3​

 

[GoodnessO]

There's a song that says something like this: Let me help you get over her by getting onto me.
If I was closer, I'd be happy to try helping you with that. Lots of love & kisses to you!