24/7 question?

[PlayDoe]

If you have a 24/7 relationship with someone, how much of the time is actually engaged in BDSM activity? Does most of the everyday relationship evolve around power excahnge or is there a good ammount of time that does not?

 

[lilredwolph]

when i was in 24/7 it was 24/7 - the only "down" i had was when i was at work or away from my Dom, but even then i my mind was still always where it belonged (under control)

 

[MissTaken]

I don't know the answer to that question as I can't consider a 24/7. Kidling's needs come first.

However, I wanted to say "Hi " and welcome to playdoh.

 

[artful]

Welcome,...

...to the REAL BDSM Forum.

For me,...a 24/7 was just that,...24/7. I always considered the "FAMILY'S" needs when making decisions. Though I am not currently in a 24/7, I expect to be in the future. Children's needs are put first, but my decisions stand, or I am not there.

(that may be why I am here)-LOL

 

[joi]

24/7

when i was in 24/7 it was 24/7 - the only "down" i had was when i was at work or away from my Dom, but even then i my mind was still always where it belonged (under control)

i am in a 24/7 now...it's a LTR...and my "downtime" doesn't even have the time @work i agree that my mind and attitude is/was "still always were it belonged" i'm honored to belong to Him:heart,mind and soul. However, this does NOT make me a blithering idiot unable to make an intelligent decision regarding "stuff"ie: my professional obligations,routine household behaviors(Fab vs Tide, tho He does have a favourite!). In our relationship, there is the much discussed issue of love and D/s,BDSM light(tho, building!) which makes everything more intense!
PS: no "cherubs" in the picture, just a demanding "puppydog"

 

[CarolineOh]

I don't know the answer to that question as I can't consider a 24/7. Kidling's needs come first.

However, I wanted to say "Hi " and welcome to playdoh.

Perhaps you need a nice day away from the kidlings, sweetie. The poster's name is PlayDoe, not "playdoh".

 

[MissTaken]

Perhaps you need a nice day away from the kidlings, sweetie. The poster's name is PlayDoe, not "playdoh".

Are you offering to babysit, Caroline?

They are really sweet, usually.
They are very, very quiet!


Ouch! My nose is growing

And they always mind their pleases and thank yous.

Ack! I might be stretching the truth a tiny, tiny bit .

 

[CarolineOh]

Are you offering to babysit, Caroline?

They are really sweet, usually.
They are very, very quiet!


Ouch! My nose is growing

And they always mind their pleases and thank yous.

Ack! I might be stretching the truth a tiny, tiny bit .

How about if we drop the kids off at Uncle Spectre T's, and we go out for a day of lunch and shopping?

 

[PlayDoe]

Drifting in and out

Thanks for the welcome everyone.

I find it's really hard to stay focused on a constant power exchange when you have everyday life to deal with, especially kids. My other and I, tend to go through cycles where we are more into "it". This fluctuates, especially around the time when she is having her cycle, at whcih time her interest seems to wane.

 

[joi]

Perhaps you need a nice day away from the kidlings, sweetie. The poster's name is PlayDoe, not "playdoh".

bursting out with laughter (not good as i'm eating lunch!) You must be a mind reader, CarolineOh!.......


MissTaken...i send you a virtual holiday!!

 

[MsWorthy]

If you have a 24/7 relationship with someone, how much of the time is actually engaged in BDSM activity?

I am not certain what you mean by BDSM activity, so I will respond in the way I hope will be most helpful for anyone interested in *my experience* of what a 24/7 bdsm relationship entails.

The 24/7 - all day long, everyday - aspect of a bdsm relationship is comprised of the mental power exchange (non-sexual d/s). Obviously one can't have sex, engage in bondage, or play pain games (*smiles*) 24 hours a day, seven days a week, so 24/7 doesn't indicate the sexual aspect (being in a "24/7 bdsm relationship" doesn't even necessarily mean that this couple engages in bdsm sexual practices every time they have sex, although they certainly could). What it does mean is that the power given to the dom/me in the relationship is held and can be used throughout a couple's relationship and not just during scene/sex/play time.

So, if a dom/me is given the power to make decisions, she/he makes decisions all the time, in every aspect of life (that has been agreed upon) as opposed to only making decisions/being in charge during scene/sexual exploration. The most noticable difference being, in a NON - 24/7 relationship, when the sex is over everyone goes back to having equal power (or fighting over it).

So, if you are in a 24/7 bdsm relationship all of your time/focus is engaged in that exchange of power.

If by saying "BDSM activity" you are referring to ritual behaviors, protocol (online?), postures (online?), and speech/form of address, NONE of those are used in my relationship. I do have some rules in how I am spoken to but they are individual and specific to me.

Does most of the everyday relationship evolve around power excahnge or is there a good ammount of time that does not?

In my relationship, all of the relationship evolves around the exchange of power. This does not mean that I have all of the power. During the four years my partner and I have lived this lifestyle, we have tried many different things (TPE being one of them), kept some, discarded others, and have renegotiated our balance of power twice. So, it isn't a static thing for us.

I hope I have answered your question, if not, do ask again.

 

[PlayDoe]

Question for MsWorthy

I understand what you are saying. In my own words - you aren't in a scene 24 hours a day, however you have a relationship where you are the decision maker. Do you mind if I ask how often you engage in "taditional aspects of BDSM" in this relationship. Once a week, twice, when you decide you want to? If you had to gauge how often, what would that be?

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: Question for MsWorthy

I understand what you are saying. In my own words - you aren't in a scene 24 hours a day, however you have a relationship where you are the decision maker. Do you mind if I ask how often you engage in "taditional aspects of BDSM" in this relationship. Once a week, twice, when you decide you want to? If you had to gauge how often, what would that be?

I would be happy to answer, Playdoe, but I am not clear about what you mean by the traditional aspects of BDSM.

 

[MzChrista]

How about if we drop the kids off at Uncle Spectre T's, and we go out for a day of lunch and shopping?

watch out T. Thats what she told me and I woke up next day in a skid row hotel with a bad hangover and a new tattoo. Blondes is wily.

 

[MissTaken]

How about if we drop the kids off at Uncle Spectre T's, and we go out for a day of lunch and shopping?

Hmmm

I wonder how Uncle T would feel about that????




And thanks, joi! A holiday is needed sometimes and I am getting one this weekend.

After eight hours in the car with the cherubs of my affections, we will be attending a lavish wedding in 90 degree weather!

Ack!

 

[Lancecastor]

The Neopolitan Continuum

A very good question, PlayDoe, indeed.

To add to the mix, here are some of the things I think about now and then, which I self-refer to as "Neoplolitan ice cream continuum" thoughts.....perhaps posters to this thread have thoughts on the same or other shades in the relationship spectrum.


TPE: Total power exchange in and of itself, without the BDSM sex component....often sounds a lot like a Post WW2 North American "traditional suburban marriage" to me. One is in total decision-making control, the other follows, having ceded that power via the rites of marriage and via the social conventions of the day. Examples: Dad comes home with a new car he bought on his own decision. Dad announces "We're moving to Chicago!". I have brothers in marriages that are completely in synch with this model. As far as I know, they don't practise any BDSM.

Q1: Is a "traditional" relationship such as outlined above a TPE, or is BDSM sex a required element of TPE?

~~~~~~~~~~~

BDSM: Lots of people who have never heard of TPE like to practise various forms of kink. People we call Vanilla are, more and more, engaging in all sorts of BDSM sex for fun. Sex stores are springing up everywhere and futures for butt plugs, nipple clamps and Starter Bondage Kits are bullish. I cant even begin to tell you how many otherwise totally vanilla women I've met who just luvvvvv being spanked as the first step towards lots of good, healthy BDSM sexplay, including what some texts think of as edge play. They also enjoy scene oriented fantasy PE's of the "fuck me harder Master, yes I'm a dirty Slut" variety.

Q2: Is the Trendy Vanilla Continuum of kinky sex, BDSM sex, edge play and scene-limited "fantasy" PE really BDSM , or is a negotiated power exchange a required element?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Regular Kink: Some people are just kinky. Some people are just traditional old fashioned relationship types. Some folks buy toys, engage in edgy kink and one defers to the other as part of their relationship anyway.

Q3: If you engage in the elements of BDSM and TPE but have never heard of the terms and/or don't take part in a BDSM community of any kind....are you still into BDSM/TPE, or are you just having a healthy normal fun sex life and a solid working relationship?

~~~~~~~~~~

Prospects: Some people spend tons of time online at alt, lit, etc, have read a massive array of material, post like crazy, are authoritative, have the toys, a wardrobe, maybe even a home-dungeon....but have never practised any skin-to-skin BDSM or been IRL TPE.

Q4: If you know all about it, but have never done it, are you still considered into it, or are you just considered single?



Cheers;
Lance

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Our relationship has changed over the course of trying to sort out exactly what we do want. There are aspects of our relationship that could be considered TPE. We are most definately 24/7, as my Dom is also my Husband. I do defer to him for most decisions when his job doesn't have him away from home. Him being a Soldier in the US Army does have a tendancy to take him away. So TPE, then becomes impossible.

He is and always has been the Head of this Household. And yes we do have 3 kids. My job is caring for them, as well as caring for my Master. In his mind the kids come before our pleasures and wants always.

I don't know if this answers your question or not, but this is our relationship in a very small nutshell.

dixi

 

[lovetoread]

Re: 24/7

it's a LTR

LDR not LTR

LDR=Long Distance Relationship.

LTR=lovetoread



sorry couldnt help myself

 

[artful]

Re: Re: 24/7

LDR not LTR

LDR=Long Distance Relationship.

LTR=lovetoread



sorry couldnt help myself

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL-

LTR,...did that mean you had a climax without permission ?...and NO,...I still haven't figured out how to post a BIG pic in the text messge box, or a little pic in my signature.

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: Re: 24/7

LTR,...did that mean you had a climax without permission

Shhh....he'll hear you.

 

[joi]

Re: Re: 24/7

LDR not LTR

LDR=Long Distance Relationship.

LTR=lovetoread



sorry couldnt help myself

laughing.....guess i need a lesson in shortcuts!

sorry, but the abbreviation i meant was: L=long, T=term,R=relationship!
but i do "LTR"=love to read,especiallythe creative writers here

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: Re: 24/7

laughing.....guess i need a lesson in shortcuts!

sorry, but the abbreviation i meant was: L=long, T=term,R=relationship!
but i do "LTR"=love to read,especiallythe creative writers here

I know,I am just teasing.

 

[Kuurspet]

how much of the time is actually engaged in BDSM activity? Does most of the everyday relationship evolve around power excahnge or is there a good ammount of time that does not?

I've been living with my master for the past 7 years, most of that time with my 2 daughters from my first marriage. We engage in "scene" activity probably 2-3 times a week. Some months more, some months less.

But there are parts of our everyday relationship which always seem to have a D/s component. I don't ever call him by his name. Don't use Master in front of the kids, but don't use his name either. I don't ever cum without asking permission first, even when the sex is vanilla-ish. I don't get to masturbate without permission. I don't make plans to be away from home without permission first. I don't spend more than $25 without consulting (except for the kids). I don't exactly ask to leave a room where we both are, but I check with him first. It's not even verbal, just the look, the eyebrow and the nod.

It doesn't feel like D/s when I'm living it, it just feels like normal stuff, kind of like the stereotypical 50's marriage stuff.

K

 

[MsWorthy]

Re: The Neopolitan Continuum

Once again, Lance, your post requires much more than an off-the-cuff answer. It seems to me that what you are asking/posing cuts to the heart of much deeper issue, which is, where is the line that separates bdsm from 'nilla. Is/Will the bdsm community be inclusive or exclusive? And, although it is a matter of opinion (and perhaps, region), many can and will draw battle lines on this issue (if no where else than in their minds).

If is it not obvious from my posts yet, my position is in favor of inclusion. With that said, let me offer my opinions.

~A new thread for you, Lance: "Inclusion or exclusion, Why?"~

A very good question, PlayDoe, indeed.

To add to the mix, here are some of the things I think about now and then, which I self-refer to as "Neoplolitan ice cream continuum" thoughts.....perhaps posters to this thread have thoughts on the same or other shades in the relationship spectrum.


TPE: Total power exchange in and of itself, without the BDSM sex component....often sounds a lot like a Post WW2 North American "traditional suburban marriage" to me. One is in total decision-making control, the other follows, having ceded that power via the rites of marriage and via the social conventions of the day. Examples: Dad comes home with a new car he bought on his own decision. Dad announces "We're moving to Chicago!". I have brothers in marriages that are completely in synch with this model. As far as I know, they don't practise any BDSM.

Q1: Is a "traditional" relationship such as outlined above a TPE, or is BDSM sex a required element of TPE?

~~~~~~~~~~~

In my opinion, the above example is not a power exchange. Why? Because although its outward appearance is similar, it lacks a vital element, power EXCHANGE. For a PE to be a power exchange there must be agreement. Each person must consent to the "balance" of power or it isn't a PE, it is abuse/victimization. Inherent in consent is freedom to choose and access to any knowledge needed to give such consent (informed consent).

In post WW2 North American society, there was no viable alternative/choice for a woman. By the mores of society, one became a wife with little power or she became a spinster or woman of "loose" morals. In this circumstance consent cannot be given, because there is no freedom to choose an alternative.

However...


Q1: Is a "traditional" relationship such as outlined above a TPE, or is BDSM sex a required element of TPE?

...A TPE is certainly possible without any bdsm sexual practices. Perhaps the inclusion of this type of bdsm relationship came about because/when the term "TPE" was coined. TPE is an exchange of all of one's personal power not just/or/only sexual power.

Perhaps this is where the line is drawn. I have read of individuals separating themselves from the s/m aspect of bdsm and still consider themselves bdsmers. I have also seen those into s/m refer to the strictly d/s crowd as "just" bossy or control freaks and not REALLY bdsmers.

The issue, it seems to me, is about one-up-manship. The same old game the 'nillas play. A kinky version of my daddy can beat up your daddy. I don't see the pleasure/value in feeling "big" when to achieve that feeling you have to make someone else feel "small." How "big" are you really when bullying is your only way of feeling powerful?

But, I digress.

BDSM: Lots of people who have never heard of TPE like to practise various forms of kink. People we call Vanilla are, more and more, engaging in all sorts of BDSM sex for fun. Sex stores are springing up everywhere and futures for butt plugs, nipple clamps and Starter Bondage Kits are bullish. I cant even begin to tell you how many otherwise totally vanilla women I've met who just luvvvvv being spanked as the first step towards lots of good, healthy BDSM sexplay, including what some texts think of as edge play. They also enjoy scene oriented fantasy PE's of the "fuck me harder Master, yes I'm a dirty Slut" variety.

Q2: Is the Trendy Vanilla Continuum of kinky sex, BDSM sex, edge play and scene-limited "fantasy" PE really BDSM , or is a negotiated power exchange a required element?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just having kinky sex is bdsm. Just as strictly d/s is bdsm. I think this is where the argument that the "new bdsmers are ruining/spoiling/diluting tradition" comes in to play. (Struggles not to digress into the new thread for Lance: Inclusion or Exclusion, Why?) BDSM is an umbrella term under which falls an entire continuum of relationship/sexual expression dynamics.

TPE, based on my research, seems to be the new kid on the block as far as bdsm is concerned. Is a TPE relationship possible outside of the bdsm umbrella? Certainly, depending on what your definition of bdsm is (see the problem? inclusion or exclusion again). Some people see d/s in bdsm while others see only b/d and s/m, the d/s element, on its own, seems to be a fairly recent addition (but so is SSC).

Is a power exchange necessary in a bdsm "relationship?" I think so, if we are including d/s outside the bedroom. Can one say she/he is "into" bdsm without a power exchange? In my opinion, yes. To me, the question is not "can we join the club if we like only some of your kinks," it is - is your relationship based on an exchange or personal power or is bdsm only used to express your sexual self. Neither is better than the other. They simply address different needs. There is a wide variety between these two extremes, and they all can fall under the bdsm umbrella.

Regular Kink: Some people are just kinky. Some people are just traditional old fashioned relationship types. Some folks buy toys, engage in edgy kink and one defers to the other as part of their relationship anyway.

Q3: If you engage in the elements of BDSM and TPE but have never heard of the terms and/or don't take part in a BDSM community of any kind....are you still into BDSM/TPE, or are you just having a healthy normal fun sex life and a solid working relationship?

~~~~~~~~~~

As I stated, I believe that TPE and bdsm are not NECESSARILY related. It all depends on where you stand on the inclusion/exclusion issue and IF you want to be associated with one or more of the elements of bdsm. [Again, some see the d/s in bdsm, others only see b/d and s/m]

As far as whether you are "into" bdsm if you dont participate in the community or know the terms, I think the answer is easily, yes. Is a person still gay if he has never heard of the term and never been to a gay club? Of course he is. If he feels he can only form love/sexual attachments to men, he is gay. There is no other criteria. Going to a gay bar will not make anyone gay, as many of my straight friends can attest (*smiles*). So, whether you go to a munch, a fetish club, or know any of the terms that are now popular to define bdsm - if you live it, do it, fantasize about it, crave it, desire it - you are "into" it.

As to what a healthy, normal, fun sex life is, that depends on who you ask - doctor, priest, psychiatrist - even our experts can't agree. In my way of thinking, it's healthy if everyone agrees to it and it harms no one. And, normal? Normal is just a statistical middle ground on a continuum of sexual expression, or some majority's way to repress/control its followers.

Prospects: Some people spend tons of time online at alt, lit, etc, have read a massive array of material, post like crazy, are authoritative, have the toys, a wardrobe, maybe even a home-dungeon....but have never practised any skin-to-skin BDSM or been IRL TPE.

Q4: If you know all about it, but have never done it, are you still considered into it, or are you just considered single?

LOLOLOL
Good one, Lance.

See above. I don't think you have to have done it to be "into" it, but doing it is a totally different ballgame than just fantasizing about it (especially TPE). I can, again, use the analogy of being gay. You are not necessarily gay if you just fantasize about it, but chances are good that you are at least bisexual if you do.


To summarize my opinion, BDSM can be a lifestyle which includes or excludes b/d and s/m or a playstyle with elements of all or any - that, I think, is the real question.


~is anyone tired of reading my opinion yet? *Whew* me too~

 

[artful]

MsW

To summarize my opinion, BDSM can be a lifestyle which includes or excludes b/d and s/m or a playstyle with elements of all or any - that, I think, is the real question.

~is anyone tired of reading my opinion yet? *Whew* me too~

I never tire of reading your expressed opinions. You state your thoughts very clearly, and I take them one *BITE* at a time.

I of course agree with your opinion once again,...
100 %.