23/m's uneasiness about cross-dressing

[GenderBlender]

Hi, I'm pretty new here. I wanted to get some stuff out of my system since I have no one to do so with.

I'm not going to deny that cross dressing is not out of the ordinary, nor that it's not taboo, or there is nothing wrong with it. In essence, I think there is a true cause and effect circumstance that leads a male to cross dressing, and fantasizing about being a female. I've been trying to figure out myself WHY I behave like this. One of my theories lies in how aggressive or passive a boy's father is in the early childhood. My father was an aggressive type (although not abusive, he has punished me numerous times by slapping me in the face hard) Could it be that an aggressive father causes one's sexuality to change into a more submissive and passive personality? Which leads to possibly homosexuality, transgender,etc?

In my endeavors, I've gone to Cding from head to toe, halloween wig (which i hate), make up, nail polish, and buying my own heels. Also doing some anal pleasuring with objects while I fantasize being fucked. I started to dress when I was 10 or 11 and it hasn't stopped ever since. There was a point when watching porn, where instead of being the male in the porn, I started to fantasize about being the girl in the porn, and I can't reverse that now anymore. I have sky-high orgasms when I do this.

All this has been secretly done and very discreetly. My family does not have a clue about it, and I'm an expert at hiding it. One of my biggest fears is that someday they'll find out, and my image as a mentally normal male will be out. All my father's work of making me an aggressive girl fucking male will be gone.

I think I am normal in every aspect of my life, except this cross dressing aspect that is killing me psychologically. I'm not attracted to males at all (unless they are really attractive and close to my age) I only fantasize about giving oral to another guy when I have girl clothes on. There's something in me that wants to taste cock, but I don't think I'll ever let that happen because my dignity will vanish into thin air. There's something in me that wants to dress up and go out in public, but that will never happen either.

I am attracted 100 percent to girls and I'd love to have sex with a girl, I'm 23 yrs old unfortunately and I haven't had a girlfriend yet. This is probably because of my passive, submissive characteristics and my lack of seduction abilities. I hope soon that I'll be able to find a girl. Of course, I won't reveal to her that I'm a CD, nor would I reveal that I'm dissatisfied of being a male strictly for the sexual aspect (I think girls enjoy their sexuality far more than guys do. And they have so much more ways of feeling sexy and flirting)

So this is essentially my philosophical viewpoints on the subject. I'm open to talk more about his and I'd appreciate any comments.

 

[rbone04]

As far as whether or not your father is to blame is neither here nor there. Although I would categorize being slapped in the face as abusive, you choose not to see it that way and that's fine. This could very well be a source of your submissive nature, but plenty of us had "tough love" growing up. So that aside, if you feel he is a loving father and raised you well, you shouldn't hold this against him. I regress...

We are all products of the sum of our life experiences, and there's no sense in pinpointing exactly why you are the way you are. Now I'm no psychiatrist, but you are who you are - and that's that. We all have deep, dark secrets that no one knows about us. For years I struggled with my bisexuality and hid it from the world. There are still people I hide it from, but it's my business... and mine alone.

If you truly love to crossdress and it is a source of pleasure for you, perhaps you should embrace it rather than loathe it. There's absolutely nothing abnormal about bicuriosity. If there isn't enough evidence on this board for you to see that, then I don't know where else to tell you to look.

Now I think a very important step is for you to think long and hard about what your sexual preferences really are. Are you certain that you are 100% attracted to women? You say you are only able fantasize yourself as a woman when you watch porn, and that you do think about being with men when you crossdress. Now I'm not here telling you that you might be gay by any means. What I am saying is that, much like your CD fetish, fear of exposure and/or ridicule is preventing you from learning enough about yourself. Now is my father glad that I'm bisexual... of course not. Tough luck. You can't be anything you are not. You can try, but you'll remain unhappy.

If you can remain happy with who you are and keep your sexuality to yourself, then by all means you should. You don't have to "come out of the closet" to embrace your sexuality. If fear of someone finding out is the only reason you are troubled, then take solace in knowing we all have things to hide. It's human nature. Just don't get careless in your behavior. If you find yourself doing that, then maybe part of you wants to be exposed. Just make sure it's on your own terms.

Unfortunately, as you suggest, this desire is causing you mental anguish. Maybe the problem is beyond what I've suggested for you, but you are the only one who can judge just how severe that is. If it is interfering with your life rather than a part of your life, you should probably get professional help. Only you can decide that.

 

[lonelyhornyboi]

Your sitution is very similar to my own. 22 y/o male, two girlfriends, one of them seious, recently a crossdresser. Psychologically speaking my path there was alot shorter I think.

I've never pictured myself as the girl in porn. I HAVE wondered what having a vagina feels like. I am definently not an ideal body type to be wearing a bikini. Wearing women's clothes often makes me feel sexy and physically attractive. This is due to a simple psychological string of thought (that I wont go into right now unless asked).

About six months ago I started seeing a guy. I blew him on the first date. We get together a few times a month for the same. Recently I've let him go all out on me. Honestly I enjoy sucking him or letting him mouth fuck me more than that. One time I made him wait almost a whole week before getting on top of me... that was wild. When I first let him have sex with me I felt really ashamed that my first time was with another guy... not at all how I thought it would go. It helped me to realize that I wasnt completely gay though. Eventually I want to get married and have kids, so this is really my only chance to experiment.

 

[sunandshadow]

Consider anorexia - not because cding is destructive like that, but there have been a lot of studies that people become anorexic because they feel they have no control in their life and their eating is one thing they feel they can control. So in a similar way, if you felt that your father was pressuring you to be too aggressive and/or masculine, being submissive and/or cding is a way to rebel against that. If submission as rebellion seems counterintuitive, you may not realize that submissiveness is powerful in its own way - it transforms bullying into affection and arousal, that's an astonishing power. There are both philosophical and athletic/martial arts beliefs about how advantageous it is to be able to embrace pain and danger instead of fearing or being thrown off your stride by it.

 

[GenderBlender]

As far as whether or not your father is to blame is neither here nor there. Although I would categorize being slapped in the face as abusive, you choose not to see it that way and that's fine. This could very well be a source of your submissive nature, but plenty of us had "tough love" growing up. So that aside, if you feel he is a loving father and raised you well, you shouldn't hold this against him. I regress...

Abusive to me is when a father physically hurts a child for no particular reason at all. And consistently does it. That, is abuse. My father never hit me without there being a reason, and it happened maybe once or twice a month. No, I'm not blaming him, I am just brainstorming in hopes of finding out why I'm not like the others.

you are who you are - and that's that.

I guess it can simply be summed up like this.

If you truly love to crossdress and it is a source of pleasure for you, perhaps you should embrace it rather than loathe it. There's absolutely nothing abnormal about bicuriosity. If there isn't enough evidence on this board for you to see that, then I don't know where else to tell you to look.

I've embraced it for sure, but Its a vicious cycle where my cd accessories and clothes pileup until I can no longer keep them safely from any suspicion or "stumbling upon" in the household. So what I do? I frickin throw em away and start over. This CDing has been costly too. Another downside. But it sure is a major source of pleasure and relief.

Are you certain that you are 100% attracted to women?

Yes, I can't keep my eyes off them. When I'm in public I just constantly search for pretty girls. In honesty I think its kinda repulsive when I *try* to think about kissing or cuddling with a guy. So no, I have no physical attraction to them except penis .. lol. But Maybe I just have way too much sexual tension and I really need to experience sex with a girl. Then, I may feel like a man and just forget about CD.

You say you are only able fantasize yourself as a woman when you watch porn, and that you do think about being with men when you crossdress.

No, not *only* when I watch porn. I also fantasize about being a girl when I CD since thats the intent.

But anyway, I'd like to thank you for the thoughtful replies.

 

[iswallowloads]

I've experienced similar confusion. I've never been attracted to men, but have always fantasized about two things - crossdressing and sucking a guy off, not always at the same time either. And like you I was raised by a very alpha-male type father and was surrounded by a few dozen overly macho cousins. So, I eventually decided that both fantasies were all about being taboo and wanting to do something considered out of the norm.

But they persisted and I realized the only way to know for sure was to try them both. I didn't like crossdressing and once I tried it a few times, I actually stopped thinking about it. But I absolutely loved sucking dick, and do it as often as I can. I even tried anal with a guy, but didn't like it one bit. Nor am I turned on by a guy going down on me. I still love everything about women and having sex with them. My point is, everybody's different. Stop thinking about society's attitudes and labels and just go with it. You're at a great age to be experimenting and discovering yourself and should be doing just that.

I'd recommend trying to meet like minded people that you can talk to openly. There's plenty of ways to do so while continuing to be discreet. Never know, you might meet a nice gal that gets turned on by a guy in women's clothing.

 

[bunnylicker]

Your sitution is very similar to my own. 22 y/o male, two girlfriends, one of them seious, recently a crossdresser. Psychologically speaking my path there was alot shorter I think.

I've never pictured myself as the girl in porn. I HAVE wondered what having a vagina feels like. I am definently not an ideal body type to be wearing a bikini. Wearing women's clothes often makes me feel sexy and physically attractive. This is due to a simple psychological string of thought (that I wont go into right now unless asked).

About six months ago I started seeing a guy. I blew him on the first date. We get together a few times a month for the same. Recently I've let him go all out on me. Honestly I enjoy sucking him or letting him mouth fuck me more than that. One time I made him wait almost a whole week before getting on top of me... that was wild. When I first let him have sex with me I felt really ashamed that my first time was with another guy... not at all how I thought it would go. It helped me to realize that I wasnt completely gay though. Eventually I want to get married and have kids, so this is really my only chance to experiment.

It's great that you're comfortable with your bisexuality, and know that you would like to get married and have a family in the future. But it is unfair of you not to be honest with the people you are seeing.

Surely you can't claim that your relationship with one of your girlfriends is serious, if you are seeing two other people on the side. I hope you are using proper protection for her sake.

 

[bunnylicker]

& GenderBlender: I think you should embrace this aspect of your sexuality and be honest about it with any partner you have in the future. Not all relationships are as boring as Hollywood films would have you believe. Your crossdressing could be a rewarding activity for the both of you to enjoy.

 

[Layne]

Why

Why can it not just be FUN?

 

[neon_noodle]

Take it easy on yourself. You arn't doing anything wrong, or bad. You're not committing crimes, or using drugs, or wasting your life, or anything like that. You like some kinky sex in the bedroom. As long as you arn't dressing up and going out in public looking like a Monty Python in drag skit, don't worry about it.

It's not widely know, but lots of guys love women's clothes. They're sexy, forbidden, and connected to what we like and love and lust after - hot women. Just check out all the posts and pictures around here. For about 99% of they posters you'd never know they (we) like to dress up and slut up at home. It's not a big deal. It dosen't mean you're gay, or not a man, or anything like that. It's something fun and cheap and not harmful to you, that you like to do in a private circumstance.

As for your porn habits, again, lots of straight, normal guys love fantasaying about being a nasty slut on her knees, getting cum shot all over her (our) upturned face. Sluts have a tremendous amount of sexual power that we long for, as they are getting fucked whenever they want, with whoever they want. It doesn't mean you're ever going to do it, as we really don't find most guys attractive, just their stiff, swollen, cum dripping cocks.

So again, don't worry about it. Just enjoy this kink you have. Now get all dressed up, look at some of my nasty photos of my cock springing out of my skirt and panties, and blow a huge wet load over your slut clothes. Then continue on with your normal life. They don't have to be in conflict with each other.

 

[lonelyhornyboi]

It's great that you're comfortable with your bisexuality, and know that you would like to get married and have a family in the future. But it is unfair of you not to be honest with the people you are seeing.

Surely you can't claim that your relationship with one of your girlfriends is serious, if you are seeing two other people on the side. I hope you are using proper protection for her sake.

I dont have a girlfriend currently. I had one serious girlfriend a long time ago, and another a few years back. In either case I never went all the way.

 

[GenderBlender]

So again, don't worry about it. Just enjoy this kink you have. Now get all dressed up, look at some of my nasty photos of my cock springing out of my skirt and panties, and blow a huge wet load over your slut clothes. Then continue on with your normal life. They don't have to be in conflict with each other.

ROFL.. nice post.. thanks for the laughs. I put some strap heels on that have glitter all over them with a flared pink skirt. OMG the orgasm was tremendous. I also put on some hot dance music and dance like a cock hungry whore in front of the mirror.. mmm SO HOT!

I wish I can post some pics of me here (but its public, and I dont want n e one to see my face) and my face is very ambiguous btw... It would be very hard for someone to know I am a guy if I cd!!