2 stories for your review

[KevinLimo]

Hello everyone, I have 2 stories I would like you to read and vote on as well as give me your input on them here. They are both a work in progress so unfinished at this point. The first, titled College Fun, is listed under Novels/Novellas.

Thanks in advance
KevinLimo


College Fun
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=63947

I also have a 2nd one I just posted tonight so it is not on the boards yet, it is listed under EROTIC COUPLINGS.

 

[damppanties]

Hi Kevin,

The two things I noticed about your story when I was barely two lines into it were:
1 - paragraphs are too long. I could see many points where you should have started a new para. It gets a little tough to read all that together on the computer screen.
2 - grammar mistakes. Lots.

eg: her mind running over the days events.

should be : 'her mind running over the day's events.'


Andrea started by rubbing her inner thighs, moving her hands up over her hips and stomach to her breasts, squeezing them as the hot water runs over them, the nipples poking from between her fingers as she pinches them.

In this sentence you do a tense shift. 'started' doesn't go with 'runs' and 'pinches' which come later.


Visions of the stranger in her mind as her breathing quickened and her opening sucked hard on the now three fingers she had driving in and out of it, her palm slapping against her clit causing little explosions in her stomach, ones she knew would soon lead to one, all-encompassing orgasm that would leave her exhausted and satisfied.

Ooohhhh!! Good. But very, very long. I'd write that in about three sentences.
There are some words missing too.


...she remembered all to well...

did you mean 'she remembered too well'?


he had not shown, but then...

'had not shown up'


The mistaken identity thing at the end of the story didn't ring true. Maybe it was just me, but it was totally unbelievable.

After I finished, I realized that I enjoyed that story. It has a certain flow to it but needs a lot of polishing. I hope you can do that and come up with something better next time. Good luck with your future chapters.

Keep writing.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Read One

I read one, and I agree with DP, Just remember that what she mentions are not earth-shattering flaws. On the whole--for a first post--it's pretty good (which is major praise coming from me).

The beginning is one of those "Let's meet our heroine" things, which I don't care for, but for a first story I think it's quite good. You should keep it up.

---dr.M.

 

[KevinLimo]

Thank you, actually that first chapter was written while I was in the hospital recovering from surgery, the second was written while I was waiting in a limo outside a Hotel/Restaurant. Since I gained custody of my children I havn't had much time to work on it, but will have to try to make time again.

Thanks again.