2-15-03 Xodus

[KillerMuffin]

2-15-03

New story by a relatively newer writer, Xodus

My first story

Edit: The story contains consentual slavery and incest.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75762

 

[hiddenself]

It started well enough. The opening and basic premise (need money, make porn) are fine and the writing is quite careful in the beginning. Unfortunately, that's about it. It's all downhill from there.

"leaving each other's site"
You mean "sight"?

"to buy the camera's," "I want to get the camera's running," "set the enema's down" -- lots of other offenses throughout the story.
Cameras, enemas -- what's the apostrophe doing there?

They were dressed "fit to kill".
Awkward sentence. Maybe "they were dressed to kil" would be better?

"Things have changed over the years, since Alexa and I made that porno..."
I am confused. Isn't he talking to Alexa?

"I don't work anymore..."
"I would also have to dish out at least thirty thousand dollars on equipment and props right away..."
"If we do this, I will have to invest at least sixty thousand dollars of my emergency money into equipment,..."

Which is it, 30K or 60K? After a page or so of discussing these details, I (as a reader) am confused and getting annoyed. So, it's so easy for a nobody to up and make and sell porn and make 100K in twelve weeks (60K expenses + 40K profit)? This is straining my imagination. A lot. The more details you give and the more I read, the more unbelievable this gets

"You must understand that in order to make good slave films that will sell, you must become slaves."

OK. If I weren't planning to give feedback, I'd quit reading right there. You can use the trick of the porn film to explain how he hooked up with the two women. Fine. But if we believe your character development for them, the real-time slave thingy doesn't jive. They're there to make some money, not to become his slaves.

The whole business with his monologue in page 2 (buying the equipment, what room while be what, the van that was this and that) is simply horrible. I love detail. I, myself, prefer the director's viewpoint in both real sex and fantasy. But writing is not directing. Hundreds of words of dry detail kills the story. The story progress in the first two pages should be condensed to less than half a page. This is not War and Peace, you know.

And then we have 3 magnificent pages in the shop...

The whole story could maybe take up a page. Max! The trick is to be spare but intense. I know writers tend to fall in love with their own words, but you've really stretched the limits here. You spread things out so far that the whole thing is completely flat and uninspiring. Detail overkill.

KM likes to point out that a writer shoud take a one-week break and then edit the story, trying to cut out 10% of the words. In this case, that should be close to 80%.

It was a solid "1" on my scale.

hs

 

[DarlingNikki]

Okay, maybe this isn’t fair criticism because this is fantasy, but it was just impossible for me to buy the basic premise of the story.

The idea that there’s “no other way” for someone to come up with $900 a semester to pay for school other than doing porno films? I mean, how much of one’s time does cosmetology school take, anyway? Why can’t Heather just get a real job? Or a student loan?

It would be one thing if the films were presented as a quick and easy way to make money, but living in seclusion for three months with someone who's going to beat you doesn't seem like such an attractive alternative to waiting tables in a coffee house or sweeping up in a hair salon. Are you implying that the two of them secretly and subconsciously want a setup like that? That would be fine, but maybe some kind of hint to the reader would help get over the logic factor.

Again, not really fair criticism, but why hasn’t Alexa put in a few evenings a week for six months and gotten a GED? Mind you, it’s fine if she didn’t, but… why not, if she’s so worried about her lowly life and that her daughter might face the same fate?

Then Alexa explains that Jake is the only father figure Heather has ever known and that he’s probably “bought every Christmas she ever had” as well as all her school clothes and books. So Jake’s always looked after Heather financially, and now he’s rich – and from an inheritance from someone who is presumably related to Heather even if only distantly and by marriage – but instead of just making a loan to Heather and telling her to pay him back when she becomes a cosmetologist, he suggests making sex slave films involving giant dildoes? (And later, when Jake says “Do you trust me? Do you think I would ever risk permanently damaging her?” All I can think is no and yes.)

Now I admit I am absolutely ignorant of sex slave films or any kind of hardcore porn, but… why does Alexa have to break Heather’s hymen manually and privately beforehand? (And why does it specifically have to be with a douche nozzle?) I would imagine that a film involving someone losing her virginity would be a pretty good seller. Or at least that Jake would like to either watch or do it himself. But like I said, I don’t know.

I think the above issues would have been less of a problem for me if they hadn’t been so intricately described. If the setup had just been sort of glossed over so we could get to the good parts I wouldn’t have had to spend so much time wondering if things made sense or not.

I think the story got a LOT better once the setup was over with, but it’s not the kind of thing I usually read, so I don’t feel qualified to comment on that part.

Well it’s all just my opinion, and as I said, this isn’t my usual thing, my critique should be taken with a grain of salt.

Nikki

 

[TheEarl]

Sorry Xodus, this isn't really my thing, so I can't comment on it.

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

What follows is a copy of the critique I gave Xodus several weeks ago over on the Story Feedback forum. After reading the other SDC critiques, my mind hasn't changed much.

Xodus, in your response to my critique, you gave some logical reasons, from a BD/SM standpoint, for several things I mentioned as being possible problems, such as the repeating of "Heather's" name. From a writer's point of view, I still believe those items need re-doing. But I hope you'll share your reasons with this board. RF

--

Xodus,

You have a long and very ambitious first story. What follows is just some thoughts about things which IMHO might make it a better read. None of this is chiseled in stone stuff-just my subjective opinion. Only you, the writer, can decided what, if any, of this advice to follow.

(By the way, your first post being five pages long may explain why this is the first critique you've had posted. Folks here seem to prefer shorter reads, just ask Proofread Manx who had a five pager over on the Story Discussion Circle.)

Now to some of the problems:

Due to excess verbage the story is very slow and, IMHO, almost tedious in spots. For instance, about a third of your story involves one shopping trip. While being laid-back may be a writer's style, pacing and tempo are important. Here, for example, are the first three paragraphs which, IMHO, could easily be edited down into a faster read.

"The call came from out of the blue. Jake couldn't believe his luck!

"The call had been from his cousin, Alexa, at about three that afternoon. It was 6:00 P.M. now and he was still in shock.

"Alexa was his younger cousin on his mother's side. She was thirty-two years old, seventeen years younger than Jake. She had always been one of the black sheep in the family. Bouts with drugs and alcohol, sex with a lot of different men, and two children out of wedlock had given her quite a reputation within the relatively close family." (97 words)

note: Since you established in the second paragraph that she was his cousin, why repeat the information?

--
Here's one way those three paragraphs might be combined and condensed:
--

"The call from his cousin Alexa came out of the blue. That'd been at three. Now it was six (be consistent-either spell or use numbers for both times) and Jake was still in shock and couldn't believe his good luck.

"At thirty-two, she was seventeen years younger than he was. Bouts with drugs and alcohol, sex with many different men which had resulted in two children out of wedlock had made her the black sheep of their close family." (79 words)

note: The first two paragraphs of the story begin with "The call...." On the last page, the first five paragraphs begin with "Jake" which is also the first word in five other paragraphs on that page. Unless you're going for some special literary effect, that's usually a good thing to avoid.

On that last page, when Jake was speaking to Heather, you ended six sentences with her name. ex.
"I want you to help your mother now, Heather."
"I am going to tell you what to do with the dildo, Heather."
"Now, I want you to hold the dildo firmly in place, Heather."

IMHO, there were other problems. But they, like the ones I picked on, can all be corrected. Try to figure out what makes stories you like work (or those you don't like, not work) then keep writing and you'll keep improving.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Xodus,

I did begin reading your story, but like TheEarl I can't comment, beyond saying, in my opinion it doesn't belong in the bdsm section, and it just wasn't my cup of tea.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Alex.

 

[Pure]

Hi Xodus

There's a lot of work there, and you should keep honing your writing.

I agree quite a bit with hidden self about too many details.
He said, "spare, but intense." I concur.

For example, the early explanation to Heather, is 673 words.
The gist is that he has some money, but it's tied up. He can't give it, but could make a movie, which would be 30 K in expenses.
So they must both become slaves to facilitate the making of the movie. They've got 15 mins to sign, or else leave.

There, that's 50 words. I can't say that detail is inappropriate, but a) it has to have a function, and a goal, 2) it's put in selectively, and 3) some features must be surprising.

There are 'detail' novels, but many are found to be boring for most, like those of Robbe Grillet, which can spend a para on how the light from the window is striking the bed. But some say he's good, and I suppose it's because of his unique style. With 'formula porn', such an approach is counterproductive.

Keep at it.!!

J.

 

[Morwen]

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