1st time poem

[SnoopDog]

Ok here's the deal. I have submitted four stories so far. All in german, and they are not very good in my opinion. Three were in fact one story that isn't even finished. But lately I never got around to finish it off. First I started off with the intention of just trying to write an erotic story. But I also found myself being interested in non-erotic stuff so it became a little complex.
Anyways since I never got to write on that in the recent past, I tried to write a story in english. That didn't quite work out as well though I kept the idea for it and will probably use it some day.
Now before I try to just translate my first story ever into english I thought I'd try a poem first.
So I wrote my first poem and it was just added.
Now I'd very much like feedback. And of course you can be as honest as you want. Especailly tell me about the use of language since I won't go on writing english as long as it is not worth it.
So any comments are greatly appreciated. Thnx a lot.
Here's the link.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=139505

Snoopy, paws on his eyes, waiting for the things to come

 

[oggbashan]

Don't worry, Snoopy.

It is well written, effective and it hurts. That is an achievement.

It wouldn't do for the poetry forum - it has rhyme and rythym. Modern poets seem to prefer free verse. I appreciate a more formal structure in a poem.

I like it.

Og

 

[Guest]

Hi Snoopy,

I completely agree with Og. It is a very moving poem; it certainly touched my heart.

Well done!

Lou

 

[SnoopDog]

Hey, thnx a lot
I wasn't sure about it you know. Especially since I'm not native-english-speaking. Maybe I'll try some more so I'll improve on it.
Sometimes the need to write something just grabs me and doesn't let go until I've done it.

Snoopy, woof

 

[Liar]

It wouldn't do for the poetry forum - it has rhyme and rythym. Modern poets seem to prefer free verse.

Hey now, we do all kinds over there. I love a good meter and rhyme.

I'm gonna go through all the new poems later tonight, I'll make a mental note to spend some extra time on your poem, Snoopy.

#L

 

[cloudy]

Hi Snoopy,

I loved it! It hit me emotionally....now, as far as structure goes, I'm not a poet, but to me poetry does what it's supposed to if it makes you feel .

This did. Well done.

 

[SnoopDog]

Thnx Liar. I always appreciate it very much when somebody takes the time to actually read something I've written.

And thnx cloudy for the compliment. I wasn't sure about the structure. I suppose it's not common but I just felt it would be nice.


Snoopy

 

[Belegon]

Snoop, I sent you some email feedback but I will echo here that I think it possible that you can turn not being a native english speaker into a positive.

I enjoyed it and encourage you to continue.

I agree very strongly with Cloudy that what makes a poem successful for me as a writer is whether or not I evoke imagery, emotional and visual. Although I normally write in free verse, I admire the craft of using rhyme and metre.

 

[Belegon]

OK, so Cloudy was speaking as a reader rather than as a poet. Same difference.

 

[neonlyte]

Snoopdog

It tugged in the right places, that is an achievement, especially in a foreign language. Keep writing them.

NL

By the way, if you want help with an English language story, me and I'm sure plenty of others here would be happy to assist.

 

[SnoopDog]

Thnx Belegon and neonlyte for the support. Actually I did get a lot of positive feedback so far as wel las one very good critical review. I'm so glad about that and I'm sure when I find the right time and mood I'll write some more.



Snoopy

 

[ABSTRUSE]

You beautiful little beagle, that was so touching. I want to pat your little beagle head and give you a big hug to make you feel better.
~A~

 

[SnoopDog]

You beautiful little beagle, that was so touching. I want to pat your little beagle head and give you a big hug to make you feel better.
~A~

Then do so.

In fact you already have...at least virutally.

Snoopy