1st submission - looking for feedback :)

[StrawberryJones]

Hello Literotica members!

I've been a frequenter of this site for quite some time. I've enjoyed many many stories and have recently decided to join. I've always had a fondness for writing, and recent activities have inspired me to share one with Literotica.

Please comment on my short story, let me know if I am up to par and in fact able to offer some enjoyment to others as they have done for me!

StrawberryJones
exhibitionist/voyeurism
"Cadillac Lunch"

http://www.literotica.com/s/cadillac-lunch

Remember its my first one - please be honest, not brutal

 

[Lien_Geller]

Nice story! It’s very descriptive with plenty of heat and passion flowing in the words. I liked it.

But you’re not here for mindless droning praise!

First up, I have to say that you’ve got a talent for writing erotica. The sex is written in a very raw kind of way and as you write more that will become more refined. To put it another way, if this is you first starting out then I’m really looking forward to the kinds of things you’ll be putting out when you get into the full swing of things.

Problems I had with this were that it needs a few revisions. I caught the occasional mistake. Not so much spelling or punctuation errors, those were in the minority. It was just some parts that didn’t really flow very well or rather could have been better. I’ve had a look at a lot of new writers on the site and a lot of first time posts tend to have that slightly rushed feel as the author wants to see if their work is worth a damn before really giving a damn about their work. Your work IS worth a damn so spend a little more time with it and give it a little more love.

Areas to build on would be to create a story. The sex and general writing in this tale is great but it reads a lot like your personal fantasy. The characters don’t seem to have much personality outside the sex and for me making up people I like is half the appeal even before I let them get up to naughty things. Again, this isn’t a criticism so much as it’s a good area to expand upon. You haven’t done anything wrong with your characters, but you haven’t really given them much attention either. It’s what’s happening to them that takes centre stage, not who they are. To me, good stories are a balance of both.

With that said, you could also work on making your tale a little more accessible. As I’ve said, this reads a lot like a personal fantasy that has been spilled out onto paper. That’s fine, a lot of good erotic stories start there, but it needs more if you want to build up the strength of your overall writing.

Those were my thoughts upon a read of your story! I hope this was helpful and if it wasn’t then ignore me. I find that in writing, advice is helpful but you really need to find your own way. Have fun finding yours!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Strawberry, congrats. The first dive in the Lit pool is the coldest - after that it's easy.

For a first time it was pretty impressive and I won't start nitpicking some editing points. Just a few general thoughts.

You leap into the story brilliantly but then never give us the dialogue to really relate to the couple. She (I) could comment/explain more

The paragraphs are a bit long for a rolling, back-lit screen.

To answer your question, you are more than up to par (better than many). Please write more, you have an attractive style.

 

[StrawberryJones]

Lien: thank you very much, your advice has been taken whole heartfelt. There were a couple parts in there that I too didn't feel flowed as well as it did in my head. I was actually aiming to keep the involved parties to a minimal intentionally as it was the act itself that i couldn't keep off... And because the first initial intent was just to serve as a memoir if you will for him me
Again I very much appreciate your suggestions and will keep that in mind when I proof my next story, thank you!

Elfin: looking back I do agree, I need to prevent rolling paragraphs! It was challenging to write everything so the reader would feel as I did. Thank you so much for the constructive criticism!! VERY APPRECIATED!!!