1st Submission - I welcome comments...

[startrooper]

This is the first time I have ever submitted a story to any site. I just usually write them for friends and their respective others, per their requests. I would like some feedback from someone wha has been doing this for awhile. Thanks in advance!

Shadow Rain
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43422


Undercover
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43725

 

[Guest]

If you want feedback, might I suggest you go and read Laurel's 'Sticky' at the head of this forum and include a link!

That way, you might actually get some.

 

[Debbie]

This is the first time I have ever submitted a story to any site. I just usually write them for friends and their respective others, per their requests. I would like some feedback from someone wha has been doing this for awhile. Thanks in advance!

A link to your story.

http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43422

 

[medjay]

Read your story.

Good writing as far as mechanics are concerned. I would, however have prefered just a little more back story. Why is he after this woman in particular? How long has he been tailing her? Is it his job or a personal mission? Just a couple of sentences could add more character development without slowing down the pace or urgency of the story.

Otherwise, the story was good and sexy.

 

[Impetus]

My kind of Genre, that's for sure.

I liked the scene, but it took a few lines for me to figure out where the story was taking place. The line about being surrouned with lust (et al) made me think orgy, briefly, before enough other descriptors came into play.

The concept was simple enough, but fairly powerful, and I liked how the deal played out in the end, nice twist, that. I think mayhaps you could have played off the 'hunter' angle more, but that might have ended up making the story longer than you wanted.

Sex was hot. Nothing different, but done well and written well. You also did a good job of painting an 'enchantress' picture of the female, that came across quite well.

If I had to suggest anything I'd change if it were me writing, I'd play up one of these angles to give the story more of a focus:
1) The Man as the hunter (More about how he stalks his prey)
2) The Supernatural (More about the shadows, fight, etc...things like that)
3) The Bar (Give it more depth, more personality, talk about some of the other people there too)

I think using something like this might help give the story a bit more direct punch, more of a focal point

Hope I'm helpfull

-I

 

[PrincessKatie]

Feedback...

Descriptions were good and very in depth.
Sex scenes however were in short supply and not long enough in my view.
Nicely spaced paragraphs and locations.

Conclusion=Good all round story.