Well my story's up, give me it straight...............
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90731
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=90731
Last edited:
1st Post
- Thread starter Mr Eee
- Start date
Chicklet
plays well with self
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2002
- Posts
- 12,302
the D word
Hey,
I'm not a fan of the word "dick" so when I read the first paragraph I sort of grimaced. Not that there's anything wrong with the "d" word, just sometimes mixing in a few other euphemisms can be good.
Thoughts on character's inner dialogue. I don't like it, especially if it's mixed into the normal text and not in italics or anything...the reason is that sometimes you (the author and the reader) can loose track of what tense it needs to be in, or what person it needs to be in. An example of this happening in your story is this:
Shouldn't it be "If I pretend to be askeep until I come, maybe Ruth will take my hot salty seed deep inside her throat."
Small problems throughout the story include punctuation, use of commas and semi-colons and such, which I have to say I have a problem with as well. I think that this story would have gone better from first person, since your character has a lot of things going on inside his head. Or, instead of first person, make it omnipotent so instead of having him think, you just know what he's thinking and tell your audience.
"John wondered if he could continue to feign sleep, and if she would swallow his load if he did."
Not a bad first story, congrats for it being up = ) If you feel like making any small changes to it, like punctuation, you can re-submit it. If not, you'll undoubtably do better in your next = )
Chicklet
Hey,
I'm not a fan of the word "dick" so when I read the first paragraph I sort of grimaced. Not that there's anything wrong with the "d" word, just sometimes mixing in a few other euphemisms can be good.
Thoughts on character's inner dialogue. I don't like it, especially if it's mixed into the normal text and not in italics or anything...the reason is that sometimes you (the author and the reader) can loose track of what tense it needs to be in, or what person it needs to be in. An example of this happening in your story is this:
Shouldn't it be "If I pretend to be askeep until I come, maybe Ruth will take my hot salty seed deep inside her throat."
Small problems throughout the story include punctuation, use of commas and semi-colons and such, which I have to say I have a problem with as well. I think that this story would have gone better from first person, since your character has a lot of things going on inside his head. Or, instead of first person, make it omnipotent so instead of having him think, you just know what he's thinking and tell your audience.
"John wondered if he could continue to feign sleep, and if she would swallow his load if he did."
Not a bad first story, congrats for it being up = ) If you feel like making any small changes to it, like punctuation, you can re-submit it. If not, you'll undoubtably do better in your next = )
Chicklet
Chicklet,
Thanks for the feedback. Sorry about the D word. Everything you said was helpful.
It’s strange that when you read it over and over the grammar and problems with tense disappear into the story..... lol
Thanks again.
Mr Eeee
P.S cracking pic............
Thanks for the feedback. Sorry about the D word. Everything you said was helpful.
It’s strange that when you read it over and over the grammar and problems with tense disappear into the story..... lol
Thanks again.
Mr Eeee
P.S cracking pic............
hiddenself
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2002
- Posts
- 452
I only got halfway through it before getting terribly annoyed and skimming through the rest of it. It suffers a bad case of lack of editing.
Your opening paragraph is terrible. Normally, I would back-click right there.
His eyes began to open some time later, it had been a good sleep, and all of a sudden John became aware of a nice warm feeling between his legs.
There are numerous problems with this sentence. First, it's actually three separate sentences awkwardly wrapped up in one.
1. Move that middle sentence up front.
2. Put "John" in the beginning instead of "his" eyes.
3. How do eyes "begin" to open?
4. Some time "later" than what?
It had been a good sleep. John opened his eyes some time later and became aware of a nice warm feeling between his legs.
I must be dreaming he thought.
You need a comma between "dreaming" and "he."
So far, the story was being told in the 3rd person. Now, you switch to his POV. It's not a fatal switch but it's somewhat inconsistent.
The feelings began to intensify, and as he felt it getting stronger he felt his dick respond, growing as the blood surged to the tip.
"as he felt..." "he felt"?
Anyway, what does "it" refer to? Feelings (in plural). So, it should be "them," no?
But the whole sentence needs serioud restructuring.
His dick had grown to its full size now, long and thick. He felt the skin roll back over the purple head exposing the sensitive glans; this was a really good dream. John then became aware of a wetness engulfing him; his dick had become slick and even more sensitive to the pleasure it was feeling. He felt it grow again, bigger than ever, then a hot tight feeling engulfed him and he became more sensitive than ever before. His dick seemed to grow again.
This is a really flat description. It might be good as technical writing but there's no spark.
And let's count the number of word/expression repetitions in this first paragraph:
felt -- 4 times
feelings -- 4 tiimes
became aware -- 2
dick - - 4
he felt it grow again... etc etc.
There are many run-on sentences, tense changes (John didn't move, he dare not), sloppy punctuation and paragraphing ("Nice birthday present thanks" he said "the days still young" she replied.) etc. You've alienated one reader at lest before the good stuff comes around.
The story is pretty straightforward in the beginning but gets hotter later (from my brief glance of the second part of the story). You still have some annoying cliches in there (10-inch cock and enthusiastic and competent deep-throating of same by the wife who hadn't done it before), so I can't say that the strengths there outweigh the story's overall weaknesses.
IMO, it needs work.
Your opening paragraph is terrible. Normally, I would back-click right there.
His eyes began to open some time later, it had been a good sleep, and all of a sudden John became aware of a nice warm feeling between his legs.
There are numerous problems with this sentence. First, it's actually three separate sentences awkwardly wrapped up in one.
1. Move that middle sentence up front.
2. Put "John" in the beginning instead of "his" eyes.
3. How do eyes "begin" to open?
4. Some time "later" than what?
It had been a good sleep. John opened his eyes some time later and became aware of a nice warm feeling between his legs.
I must be dreaming he thought.
You need a comma between "dreaming" and "he."
So far, the story was being told in the 3rd person. Now, you switch to his POV. It's not a fatal switch but it's somewhat inconsistent.
The feelings began to intensify, and as he felt it getting stronger he felt his dick respond, growing as the blood surged to the tip.
"as he felt..." "he felt"?
Anyway, what does "it" refer to? Feelings (in plural). So, it should be "them," no?
But the whole sentence needs serioud restructuring.
His dick had grown to its full size now, long and thick. He felt the skin roll back over the purple head exposing the sensitive glans; this was a really good dream. John then became aware of a wetness engulfing him; his dick had become slick and even more sensitive to the pleasure it was feeling. He felt it grow again, bigger than ever, then a hot tight feeling engulfed him and he became more sensitive than ever before. His dick seemed to grow again.
This is a really flat description. It might be good as technical writing but there's no spark.
And let's count the number of word/expression repetitions in this first paragraph:
felt -- 4 times
feelings -- 4 tiimes
became aware -- 2
dick - - 4
he felt it grow again... etc etc.
There are many run-on sentences, tense changes (John didn't move, he dare not), sloppy punctuation and paragraphing ("Nice birthday present thanks" he said "the days still young" she replied.) etc. You've alienated one reader at lest before the good stuff comes around.
The story is pretty straightforward in the beginning but gets hotter later (from my brief glance of the second part of the story). You still have some annoying cliches in there (10-inch cock and enthusiastic and competent deep-throating of same by the wife who hadn't done it before), so I can't say that the strengths there outweigh the story's overall weaknesses.
IMO, it needs work.
