19 March 2001: Family Affairs Ch. 1 -> 12

[Weird Harold]

Our story for the week beginning 19 March is in the Incest category again:

Family Affair chapters 1-12
By JoeZ

This was the fifth random pick after one poem and four profile pictures. To be more precise, the random number gods finally picked chapter two of this story.

Discussion will begin at noon GMT on Monday 19 March, so get out your reading glasses and dig in.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=439
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=440
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=441
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1039
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1042
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=1044
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4864
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4902
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4902&page=2
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4956
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=4982
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=5027
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=5068
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=5068&page=2

 

[Weird Harold]

Let the discussion Begin!

I'm a bit early, but it's getting tired out so I'll post this now.
---
What we have here is an extended (male) adolescent fantasy, peopled by interchangeable, oversexed Ken and Barbie dolls.

It starts out with voyeurism and incest witnessed. It continues through nearly the entire category of (non-violent) ASSTR classification codes. (Excepting only Pedophilia and BDSM.)

Many aspects of the storytelling style improve over the course of the series. The use of dialogue and handling of quotes is one aspect I especially noted an improvement over time.

This story does present an opportunity to truly discuss character definition that the previous shorter works haven't allowed.

How could the author improve characterization in this story?
Does he need to?

Another point this story brings up for discussion is "conflict.”

How important is conflict to a story?
Would more conflict(s) to resolve improve this story?

Finally, do the "chatty" asides to the reader make this tale more intimate, or are they intrusive?

 

[Mickie]

A little off my own beaten path, but this story has its moments. Personally, I usually go for something with a little more characterization in it, so forgive me if I sound picky. I won’t pick on grammer here, although, like most of our stories, it could use some re-writing. The basic premise is a good one. The neighbors are into incest, and the young Jim gets drawn into the lifestyle, taking his own family along for good measure. My biggest beef with it is the complete lack of conflict. All stories need conflict, or it’s just a bone polisher. If the only reason the author wrote it is to describe sex scenes, then why put it in the context of a story? Why give any background at all? Personally, it was difficult to believe that he was doing his mom. It could have been a neighbor or a stranger on the street. Part of this particular kink is the forbidden aspect of incest. It started well with the neighbors, and the kid is portrayed as young enough not to have too many qualms about watching and doing them. But when he goes after his own mother there should be more conflict, especially from Mom, who hasn’t grown up in this lifestyle. Give her a personality instead of a bust size and we’ll be in business. Sorry, I know that’s a bit harsh, but a story is much different than a letter to Hustler.
The neighbor family works pretty well. Already into the lifestyle, they should show no remorse or horror, but I can see a conflict working its way to the top just because of the moral majority. What if someone found out? What if they were reported? There has to be an aspect of secrecy to them that is obvious to the reader. Set the scene with the secrecy instead of blatantly telling Jim’s story. He’s not a bad character at all. In fact, I think I like him. He’s got an innocent kind of lust that makes him likeable, even while he’s pumping his Mama. But I have no feelings whatsoever about Mom. She takes all of this far too easily. Conflict!! Sorry again, but she isn’t an innocent young thing with no previous values or morals. Now, if you want to keep her like this, there is a way, but it requires a little foreshadowing of her upbringing with Gramma, who obviously could care less about social morals. Give her a reason not to have the conflict and it’ll be more believeable. In fact, now that I think on it, perhaps that could also be a reason for Jim to accept everything so easily as well. Add it into his youth and inexperience and we might have a great storyline. But, give them a conflict, or all you have is a bunch of nasty scenes connected by names. If that’s all you wanted to have, then it isn’t bad for that. A serious story, though, would make it a more enjoyable read.
Setting. That grows out of a story. One question -- how far away is the window of Angela’s bedroom from Jim’s? He can hear them clearly. It must be close. Why would they leave the blinds open when what they’re doing could lead to real problems in the outside world? However, I did like Helen’s place in the country. It sounds rambling and spacious and perfect for lustful activity.
Dialogue. Far too corny. Use more contractions. (Sorry, just a little grammer.) The characters are not out of the 19th century, they would say I’m instead of I am, I’ll instead of I will, you’re instead of you are, etc. Make me believe the people you’re talking about are real. They’re a little too much like cardboard cutouts.
Sex. I do like Jim’s thoughts about how different each woman’s pussy is, and the description works. But what about breasts? I like breasts, and each woman is VERY different, not just in size. Stating a cup size describes nothing but a cartoon character. And what about the men? The only difference I hear is that some are big and some are not. Curvature is different, width -- circumsized? Not? If Jim is comfortable sucking a man’s dick, then have him tell more about it. I sense that the writer was trying to apologize or ‘make it okay’ for Jim to be comfortable. If an apology is needed, then have Jim work with the conflict before coming to his conclusion. Give him a thought process rather than just leaping in. If he leaps in with no problem, then an apology isn’t necessary.
Characterization. That’s been discussed throughout the rest of this, so I won’t bore you by detailing it. Generally, I have a suggestion to help. Give each character a motivation and a conflict (we all got ‘em). Put a small quirk into the characters you want to stand out, such as -- a certain phrase they use a lot, or a physical movement like brushing hair out of the eyes, etc. Use more thought processes to help the main character. And, if you want to venture into the true story arena, give the piece a villain. I like villains. They add passion, and I haven’t read a story on this site with a truly fun villain yet. (Just to let you all know, I haven’t read all the stories yet, either. Suggestions welcome.)
Generally, the piece was definitely something to masturbate with, but not anything I would want to read for anything else, and not a story that would stand out in my mind after blowing the load. The writing is clear enough, but lacks depth and style. I do think, however, that it could be improved. You have a good imagination. The trick is to get what you’re seeing in your head into words that allow other people to see something similar. You have that mostly, so now give me something aside from the visual. Give me depth and conflict! *Standing on my soapbox -- screaming to the world at large -- chuckle.* Don’t stop writing. Use what you have and add to it. In the end, you’ll have a piece worth a mind-altering orgasm instead of a quick-fix. (Assuming, of course, that’s a goal. It isn’t everyone’s.)
Mick

 

[nitengale]

My two cents...

Getting through this series of stories was chore for me. If I had started this series without the need to review, I would have quit after chapter one. I will admit I am not a regular reader of incest stories, so this was something that I had to deal with too. HOWEVER, I am opened minded.

I found the characters to be like sexual robots with no personalities and no real emotional connections to each other. There was never any sexual tension…no time to for any to build! Everyone was always wet, if not soaked, every erection was perfect, everyone had perfect bodies, body fluids were expelled in massive amounts, and everyone had mind-boggling orgasms. I also get distracted, if not annoyed at how body parts are unrealistically defined:

“tits with nipples at least three inches in diameter, nipples with nubs in the center a half inch across and standing out a good inch and a half.”

“Mike had done something …….opened the mouth of her uterus that is normally opened only during her period.”

There was also not enough dialog in this story, and perhaps if there were, I might not have gotten bored with the narrator who if I could hear his voice, I know would have sounded like Ben Stein. The characters could have been a bit more realistic as well. I would have liked to see Jimmy’s mom get annoyed with him because he was always leaving his clothes around or maybe he might have drank directly out of the milk carton. THEN they could have sex (if they still had to). We never got in the characters heads except thru the narrators view, and I still feel like we really didn’t know them all that well.

These are definitely stories one would use to get off on, but I personally like I little more meat (no pun intended) in my story. I like more sexual tension, and characters that seem a bit more real.

I think there is great potential here, so keep the writing going!! Let the characters do some talking, and build the tension. I liked Jimmy, but he needs some well deserved rest after all this sex stuff. =)

 

[Gus]

I really couldn't be bothered to read past Ch.1.
This script had nothing for me. There was no lead into the situation. Direct detail of sex situation.
I found it totally improbable.
Perhaps my ears and eyes are a bit under-powered but I cannot see so clearly into an adjacent house's rooms. Can't see that clearly between two rooms in my own house. For that matter I cannot hear that well and I do well on such tests.

Others on this thread have made many of the points that I intended making, so I will not continue except to say that I have to have my attention arrested. I need to be coaxed to read a story. Graphic sex on page one para two will not do that. Having said that the last story that I edited did do just that but the writer did make it interesting so it was no chore to me.

All in all this one was another disappointment.

Gus.

 

[christo]

Mama mia, that's a biga sausage!

I thought the sex scenes, the actual lets-get-it-on-baby stuff was pretty good, pretty hot. Many of the stories I've written have been about younger men and older women, tho not so old as the ones in this story. Still, I'll confess that I got more than a little revved up in places.

I think the author addressing the reader directly can be a good way of linking stories together, especially in a multi-chapter story like this one. But it has to be more than a "My sexual initiation continued with..." It has to be an integral part of the storytelling, so that you and the author are along together, instead of just throwing out info that should have been folded into the story.

This story did, in places, read like the prototypical "Letter to Penthouse", even down to the "Needless to say" lines. And writers really should be more careful about describing the physical characteristics of people. In this story the father's penis is described as, I think, ten inches long and two in diameter. Uh, two inches in diameter would be like a pretzel rod. Nice to have the length, but it would be like having a licorice stick in your pants. The narrator modestly describes himself as being eight inches long, but that his friend is twice(!) as big. I ask the gentlemen of the world, do you really want a sixteen-inch long dick? If you got an erection you'd pass out from the blood loss. And I don't think a nubile 18-year-old virgin is going to be too enthusiastic when you threaten her with a mailbox post. When I want to show that a man is well-endowed, I say that his penis is "big". Let the reader fill in the...well, fill in whatever.

I don't think there was too much conflict here, just lots of stuff that the Christian Coalition, the Federal Government, and Kathie Lee Gifford would frown upon. I still don't think we've had a story yet where the plot, the situation the characters find themselves in, is as important as the sex itself.

I think the author wrote this because what he was writing REALLY turned him on. And I was thinking, you know, I write the stories I write because they're the ones I like to read. I write stories that really excite me, and I hope they excite others too. So a question for everyone, do you re-read your stories when you want a sure turn-on? Do you write your stories to get yourself off, or are you writing for some other, ideal reader?

[Edited by christo on 03-24-2001 at 08:44 AM]