19·Jan·2006 · "Fixation" · The Fool

[The Poets]

Fixation

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company

The beast growls
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith

Growling silence pools out
Liquid cross the parking lot
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place​

 

[Guest]

You have some great lines but this seems to be sending two messages, first six strophes the hooker is described and speaks but then the theme switches to another voice – the beast. At first I thought it was her addiction but then it turns out to be an orator, possibly on a soap box.

I’ve made a few suggestions with out changing the overall work.

Fixation

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked.......... good stong opening

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams........ hyphenate lace-delicate?
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition

But needles don’t cry.......... replace "cry"with "hurt"?
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company............ All the above verses are great

The beast growls
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith

Growling silence pools out............ Growing silence pools
Liquid cross the parking lot.......... Liquid crosses the parking lot
With spittle flying soundless......... Drop “with”
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines........... switch "canines" with "teeth"?

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence......... silence shatters, fists shake?
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in......... replace “the beast” with “he”?
Mere mouthing phrases.......... mere mouthed phrases?
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention............ ‘til?
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place....... These last verses are a bit awkward to me.

 

[WickedEve]

Finally read it. My first impression is that it's very good. I saw few lines that I thought were fantastic. But since it's a bit long, I need to go back and read each section and see if there is anything I can suggest.

 

[bogusbrig]

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company <--- I loved this poem to here, it read beautifully and I was totally taken by it I didn't question anything. Then suddenly it lost me completely and I felt I was reading a completely different poem and not at all in the same league.

The beast growls <--- Suddenly but why?
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith <-- Isn't a litany a prayer and would be about faith but can it be consumed by faith?

Growling silence pools out <-- Growling clangs with growl in the previous stanza
Liquid cross the parking lot <---????
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place

There are other things I could point out in the second half of the poem but you can probably see the problems yourself. If you can make the second half of the poem as good as the first half you will have one hell of a great poem.

 

[flyguy69]

I was puzzled by the inconsistent use of punctuation. I think you need to use it or not, but to use it sometimes is confusing.

There are some places in which you slip into "telling" mode ("sarcastically," e.g.). I know the current fad of "show don't tell" is, in fact, a fad, but it is a fashion that I like. Not like boxer shorts under swimming trunks.

There is an abstraction that loses me. What does "a litany consumed with faith" mean?

The imagery surrounding sound confuses me-- it seems to flip back and forth between noise and silence. Perhaps you intend that, but the flow of the poem seems better served by a one-way change, either from howling anger to silent death, or from quiet rationallity to ranting lunacy, etc.

Finally, the poem seems a bit heavy-handed. We all know that drug addiction is ugly and pitiful. I think this needs a fresher angle on an old theme.

Good luck.

Fixation

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company

The beast growls
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith

Growling silence pools out
Liquid cross the parking lot
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place​

 

[Guest]

I like the sounds this poem makes while reading it aloud. It is different then reading it in your head. I also like the use of strong verbs and the metaphor you've used. However, I think the line breaks are too short and lends a harsher tone than the subject of the poem itself. Also, the point of view gets a little fuzzy throughout for me.

Fixation

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked <~ This a fantastic stanza.

Sarcastically she fashions <~ Cut 'sarcastically' and move the line 4 to 3
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition <~ Line 8 seems to be a redundancy of line 7

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company

The beast growls
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith

Growling silence pools out <~ 'growling' is too proximal to 'growl' in line 29
Liquid cross the parking lot
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place​

This is good work Fool. Thank you. I enjoyed!

 

[annaswirls]

Hey! I was going to say I loved the sounds of this poem! Rats!

Very sharp images, I am not sure I understand all of them, but together they paint a jagged picture with your word choices... all of the sharp words and sounds together.

I like when poets use italics to signify dialogue. Something to consider.

I am sorry this is so shallow, I just had a hard time getting my thoughts around this poem, but I was very drawn into the sound repetition and the memory of this girl (I think I met her)

all the best,
as

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition I liked the clear imagery in the first part of this piece.

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out
Dragged out
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company the transition here seems raw to me

The beast growls
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith is litany used as a prayer or enumeration?

Growling silence pools out
Liquid cross the parking lot
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips I got a little lost in wondering if it is addiction pimp or john that is the antagonist here?
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day soapbox preacher, is someone trying to save her?

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place

A couple of line breaks had a sharp jarring feel but I think it adds something of a desolate agonizing feel to this piece. In whole I liked this poem but it is a little cloudy towards the end.

 

[Liar]

First off, the opening lines kick ass. They set a tone so tangible that even if you stumbled through the rest of the poem, I would wallow it whole. And stumble you don't. Not much, at least.

I think however that you have a bit too much of a split vision here, trying to tell a little bit too much. The latter half of the poem gets lost on me. It's a clear image in itself, but I never see how it connects with the first, the description of the woman. And that's where I cet confused. Who or what is this orator and what does he have to do with the not-so-ladylike lady in the beginning? Do they and the place-to-place walkers just share location? Or is his rant directed at her?

Some gut-level reactions line by line as I read the poem:

Fixation

Straight hooks barbed
Claw the world crooked <-- Like I said, superb

Sarcastically she fashions
A debutante’s dress
From lace delicate dreams
Stabbing cloth with pins
Dulled by use
Subdued by repetition <-- This whole stanza is great

But needles don’t cry
When soft flesh yields
To vice
Fix me
Fix me up nice
So I can smile today.

Sixteen looks like sixty
Hagged out <--
Dragged out <-- I don't know why, but these two lines didn't work for me. It has a charicature feel to it that didn't match the rest of the poem.
Dumpster dwelling
Thriving on the garbage
Both kinds <-- Seems to be dangling. "Thriving on both kinds of garbage" might be an option.

Seen me sin lately?
Cost ya just a buck
And a fix
Drown my smiles with tears <-- This also strays from the style of the rest of the poem. Too much melodrama.

Lavender lace tourniquet
Soiled by stains
Best not spoken of
In mixed company <-- I like the jaded irony here.

The beast growls <-- This is where I lost track.
And howls out profanity
In a litany consumed with faith

Growling silence pools out <--
Liquid cross the parking lot <-- Clever image. Me likey. [EDIT:] Not that I have read the other's comments it seems I misread it. I saw "Growing (not growling) silence pools out / Liquid across the parking lot. " Now I'm not quite sure what you mean. Sorry.
With spittle flying soundless
From his lips
That arch and rage around
Yellowed canines <-- I don't get it, dogs? But it sounds cool.

Soapbox pure thoughts
Spew upon the somnolent crowd
That walk from day-to-day

Fists shake and shatter silence
Towards the heavens
That the beast no longer believes in
Mere mouthing phrases
Felt so passionately he delivers <-- Can't make sense of this phrase grammar-wise.

Till his silence draws attention
For the time it takes
One to turn one’s head
And return
To walk from place-to-place​

And finally a personal pet peeve of mine, take it as you wish: I find capital letters on every line break regardless of grammar confusing to read. They should follow the sentence structure and not the visual layout of the poem. Thinks petit moi.