15·Oct·2005 · "Seasons of Emotions" · Elizabetht

[The Poets]

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well.....

I recently submitted and had posted:

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Thank you in advance....

Always, E

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>
</snip>
My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well....<snip>

Hello E,
I'm only going to take time to ask this one thing, for the moment, since I'm pressed for time. What I'm wondering about is, if you already know your work is confusing, why don't you do something to change that? Is it an attempt to be enigmatic or are you genuinely unaware of steps you can take to clear up those confusing parts of your writing?

Hopefully, this thread will help us all along our own pathways towards poetic clarity.

 

[Guest]

I truly don't know what happens to my poetry from the time it is in my head to the time that another reads it.... for me its clear... but something happens in the execution that makes it muddy.....


I don't know what it is and can never really pinpoint it

 

[CharleyH]

Elizabetht:


Apologies that I can't get to your work immediately, (or maybe, we'll see) but I do not find your poem confusing in the least after a first read. Please take no offence when I say that it 'simplistically' reminds me a lot of the theories of Northrope Frye (if memory serves) regarding literature. I will give you a more indepth response to your questions, soon.

Also take note that I usually only comment on symbols and such.

 

[twelveoone]

The first things that are noticeable is that it starts out in a non-standard season and there are five of them, the resolution at the beginning. The "story" line is a parallel of the story of Niulang and Zhinu; the "valentines day" of Asia, but there are no other referents to it, so I assume it is a close personal reference of yours. Otherwise it looks like a standard procession of the seasons, except with almost no mention of nature; the brittleness of leaves, stillness in the resting, budding of new things, can even be taken another way.
The structure is consistent but the entire thing is composed of sentence fragments. Even if the fragments where exciting and fresh (some of them aren't) the net effect is disassocition and dissolution. This only works in contrast to something solid, even a hint of a story to lead us, a sentence or two would do wonders, to give the audience something to follow.
You have identified the result: "only really understandable to those that know me really well..... "
It has become a five part list poem with nothing concrete for the audience.

 

[wildsweetone]

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well.....

I recently submitted and had posted:

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Thank you in advance....

Always, E

my opinion (and i'm no skilled critique, so please use only what feels right for you).

1. What do you think the poem is about?
it is about the passage of relationships in time.

2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
to pervey an experience of two relationships. the first, good before it ended. the second, (the second summer), more mature.

3. Does it leave you wanting more?
in a way yes. (see 4.)

4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
i think it could, yes. but i am not sure if that is because i expect to be able to see more. my preference is for a more smooth flowing poem. some of the phrases you have could be worked together and used as a basis for the story you are telling.

5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
there is a starkness to the list-type words that hits me in the first summer. in my opinion, if there is to be a starkness, i would think it could be in the winter season, thereby mimicking the season itself.

6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?
i like the idea you have for this poem. i like some of the phrases you have. i have only read this poem once and did not have any trouble understanding what you wanted to say, but i think it is the way that you say it that could do with a little more work. it seems to me, that you have the basis here, but you need to bulk it up, work on it a little more, to get it smooth flowing to read.

the second summer's relationship could be built on, perhaps to take the maturity a little further, that might make more contrast between the two summers.

i'm glad you shared your writing! and i hope to read more of your work.

 

[cymry]

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well.....

I recently submitted and had posted:

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Thank you in advance....

Always, E

I will start by saying I am the epitome of 'underqualified' as far as poetry advice. That being said, this is the impression I got from your poem.

"~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance"

The first two lines seem to me to begin to describe a relationship in its earliest stages. I enjoyed your use of the summer season as a metaphor for the emotions tied to said relationship instead of the somewhat overdone "Spring", but somewhere after 'energy' it becomes a single string of adjectives instead of a comparison. I would liked to have seen a little more word play. Please understand it is only my impression and nothing more.

"~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind"

Here I see a little more 'meat' in the body of the poem, not just several lines of adjectives, but it seems to be about a completely different subject. It gives me the impression that it is a different poem. I'm find myself stumbling over the words "of the" in nearly every line.

"~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss"

I have to say that these lines simply leave me wanting. There is the repetition of words (i.e. "in the") that seem to disrupt the flow and I don't get the impression that was your intention. All five lines just seem lifeless. I'm sorry, please don't feel that I'm tearing apart your poem. I am only letting you know how I perceived the writing.

"~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream"

These are the lines I like best. "Hope a spring" is a good play on words, IMHO. These lines make me feel like I'm going somewhere, I want to follow along and see what is next all though I feel you could have found a more unique way to say them.

"~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again"

This seems a little tired, as if you just ran a 10K marathon with your words and there just isn't much stamina left.

I've read some of your other work, but I have to say this isn't some of the best. My impression is that it needs more cohesion as a whole, a more consistant flow of words and adjectives that have a little less mileage. The subject matter is about the emotions attached to a relationship without expressing any of them effectively.
Again, this is only my own opinion, nothing more. You are a talented writer and I would hate for anything I have said to discourage you. Feel free to simply ignore me.

 

[CharleyH]

Sorry it took a while Elizabetht. Here is my take and then answers to your specific questions.

Right away the poem made me think of Northrope Frye. I have two of his books, but nothing directly relating to seasons, but I am certain it was he who defined certain semiotic similarities across literature and I distinctly recall studying this in grades 13 Lit and first year U film course. It's simplicity lies in the fact that it plays to the universally known meanings of the seasons on a first glance. Example: summer is the height of love (and damn I wish I had that book because he refers to seasons as genres with terms like pastoral, tragedy etc.) I see it here: in lines like

hot burning love – summer
gentle dying of the heart – autumn
stillness in the resting - winter
budding of new things – spring

Despite the surface simplicity, I discover something in my second reading. Something does not sit right. I have only read 1201's and WildS1's response, and yes, on a level, I agree that the poem can remind one of a relationship, yet 1201 brings up a good point, there are 5 seasons. I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest the five seasons are not so much about emotion, as they are either the stages of the progression of life or loss in a Kublar-Ross sort of way of something, and I totally see WildS1's point about relationship, as the poem best fits with that thought. However, something is amiss in the relationship aspect of the poem, and I agree with 1201 it is something that's disassociative. There is a lack of emotion from the poet in favour a "telling", yet the focus is not clear.

The poem ends where is begins, on Summer and your use of words: mature. steadfast, and souls in the last stanza, lead me to believe that summer is not only the beginning, but the meeting and a new beginning. There is confusion, after all, even for me because as much as there is linearity, there is a lack of symbolic cohesion and continuity – something is missing to me in the story, and I truly wish I could pinpoint what. (PS I do not require narrative continuity, but there must be some kind of suture in story or semiotics. Let me get to your questions.

1 and 2, I have surely answered.

3) It does not make me wanting more of the poem; it makes me want clarification on what is already in the poem.

4) If you tell me what you are trying to accomplish with the poem, then perhaps I could be of better use in this way.

5) It really depends on your response to 4. Do you want a select few to get it, or do you want your ideas to be clear? What is distracting at the moment is the lack of clear focus.

Hope something is helpful. I am eagerly anticipating your response.

As for Champagnes post, she is quite right in one way. If the poet is confused, then the reader will be also.

 

[*Catbabe*]

I will preface this critique with the fact that poems either work for me or they don’t. I rarely fall into a middle ground where I can see both good and bad writing within a piece. Of course, good and bad are defined by my own internal parameters.

Having said that, this poem did not work for me on any level, I think mainly because for me, it was not engaging. I understand why people write about the seasons. They are ever-present and they so easily speak to our humanity. Is writing about the seasons or using them as a metaphor a bad idea? No, of course not, but if you make that choice, you are setting yourself about fifty meters back from the starting line right from the beginning. You will have the challenge of using imagery that thousands of people before you have already used.

Can a poet find new and exciting ways to use common images? Yes, people do it all the time and those moments are very exciting for a reader. However, I don’t think that happened here. There weren’t any images or modifiers in this poem that I haven’t seen used the exact same way many times before in other poems or stories. When that happens, even if the poet’s intent was to say something new, it doesn’t matter because it is not getting across to the audience. Many readers will start skimming and feel disengaged from the writing.

Solid writing is not about modifiers. The intent, story, theme or message (whatever you want to call it) needs to come from nouns and verbs or the writing will seem like a disjointed list that ends up being vague and undefined. Just because poems don’t follow proper sentence structure doesn’t mean the backbones of writing (nouns and verbs) can be eliminated without a consequence. In this case, it damages the flow and does not give the reader enough direction to make them care about what the poem was meant to communicate.

The style and vocabulary of this poem are consistent and they were a deal-breaker for me so I have nothing to offer in terms of positive comments.

This is all my opinion of the poem in question which centers around my definitions of what makes poems succesful, in general. I have no knowledge of the author’s past work and deliver this opinion without malice.

 

[CharleyH]

Can a poet find new and exciting ways to use common images? Yes, people do it all the time and those moments are very exciting for a reader.

For a different discussion, and not here, but when and where? I am interested how often since rare does one create ex nihilo or even move into avant garde that I have seen.

 

[PatCarrington]

Solid writing is not about modifiers. The intent, story, theme or message (whatever you want to call it) needs to come from nouns and verbs or the writing will seem like a disjointed list that ends up being vague and undefined.

just wanted to say that these are words that every poet should save and reread continously, until they are branded on the brain.

meaning is transmitted through nouns and verbs, not adjectives and adverbs. communication is lost through an overuse of modifiers.

this is a point that is not mentioned often enough, and i wanted to acknowledge Cat for bringing it up here, in such an appropriate spot.

understanding it will automatically increase the quality of a poet's work, all by itself.

 

[*Catbabe*]

I understand that you don't want to distract from the poem at hand but I will just answer you briefly as my visits here are irregular

I don't think anyone creates ex nihilo, although I guess somebody must have. I think the key to great writing and using common images in an interesting way is to be true to your own vision. If you stay clear about what you are trying to say and what experience you are trying to capture then even if you use familiar images, hopefully you will have added something new to their connotation from that moment forward. When I am writing and a cliché pops into my head, I try to ask myself is that really what I see? Is that really how I feel? Often the answer is no and with that realization I can move forward and allow my voice to be heard, instead of all the people who came before me. Of course, they are still there in the echo and whispers, but hopefully the reader only hears me speaking in the foreground.

If you don't focus your vision on exactly what it is you want to say, it's easy to grab at ready-made images and prefabricated ideas to produce a poem or a story. In my opinion, it's a diluted story or poem at that point though, one that has lost its power, spirit and voice.

Okay, that wasn't short. Sorry.

For a different discussion, and not here, but when and where? I am interested how often since rare does one create ex nihilo or even move into avant garde that I have seen.

 

[annaswirls]

Hi Elizabetht,

I did not follow the advice given and I did read over the comments. I do not want to go through the points made very clearly and respectfully. But I do want to re-iterate, writing a poem about the seasons is tough! Easy to write, maybe, but difficult to come at it from a new angle.


I only have a few specific points to make.


I love the idea of "gentle dying." In this season, I feel it would be the easiest to die a gentle death, and I have put it on my agenda. For some Autumn far in the future.

"Shyness earned" is another great phrase. It gives me a feeling that I cannot figure out how to describe. A shyness between people who have been intimate for a long time, beyond shyness...?


"rage in the hate" you might consider hatred. I am not sure which is correct, it just sounds better to me that way, it breaks the exact rhyme, and makes the phrase an action (rage) in a thing (hatred) instead of an action in an action.


The things that detracted from the poem were some phrases that the poem would be better without-- with more of the fresh phrases I mentioned earlier.

hot blinding love
closing of the mind
daring to dream
souls smiling again


I agree with Champ about the nouns and verbs-- the things you can see moving, things happening. I think that this advice might be useful for future poems, I am not sure how this one could be changed to meet that without really giving it a rehaul. It might be a fun exercize for you to start over with the same idea in your mind, the same messages, and try to write it according to her suggestions?


I suppose some of the phrases could be rewritten, rearranged like the mind closes, this love blinds us, we dare to dream (of course I grabbed those from the list of the phrases I did not like )

It might be interesting to see what happens to the poem if you just rearrange the sentences, even as an experiment to see what happens, not to discard what you have but to play around with it to see what else is hiding in there.

I have found that re-writing poems from the start with a different guide in mind can be really educational, and the end product surprising! Sometimes my original poem is about figuring it all out-- what I want to say, what I want to share, and then the rewrite is more about how to say it.


You are a brave writer putting your poem out here for public dissection. Remember, the people reviewing your poem learn as much as you do in this process. It is a learning experience for all, so we are all in the spotlight in a way, up at the chalkboard together.

All the best!

anna

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well.....

I recently submitted and had posted:

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Thank you in advance....

Always, E

 

[annaswirls]

Okay, that wasn't short. Sorry.

it was just long enough, well stated Catbabe! I always listen carefully whenever you speak.

 

[Liar]

I can’t exactly answer your questions individually, because the answers all relate, so just take this rather unstructured reflection and I hope you can make sense out of it.

It seems to me to be about a cycle of a relationship. An intense beginning, the taking it for granted and settling into a habit, then some kind of hurdle, that is overcome, and in the end coming out as strong but more secure than in the beginning. I guess it can be likened to a summer-to-summer cycle. Maybe you should have added the first spring too, to make the story more complete?

What I like about your poem here is that you have an idea and you sticvk with it. It is easy to start to blend in irrelevant themes and styles in a poem, with refeences that makes the reader go Huh?. You also have a good and balanced prosody that flows well, sound- and rhythm-wise it rolld nicely off the tongue.

That being said, I think you are trying too hard. You sprinkle your scenery with lots of hyperbolic (exaggerated) attributes like “searing”, “vibrant”, “betrayal”, “tentative”, “freshness” and “rage”. And at least to this reader, less is almost always more.

It’s a classic example of telling where you could have been showing what was going on. You flat out write “love” on our noses, but to me it is already obvious that that was what you were talking about. (If it isn’t then I’m really confuzzled. ) I think you need to give the reader a little more credit than that.

I suck at giving specific examples as to what to do about it, but I think that if you make an attempt at using the seasonal metaphor even more. You might find that you can communicate what you want to say without throwing it in your readers face.

Goodeth lucketh and all that.

#L

ps. I wrote this before reading any other comments on your poem, so I might be repeating what others have said. And my spelling and grammar is guaranteed to suck. Bear with me.

 

[bogusbrig]

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

1. What do you think the poem is about? A life cycle of sorts. I'm assuming because you give little hint, a personal relationship but it's one I find difficulty in relating to.

2. What do you think was the intent of the poem? Purging yourself of the emotional content of the assumed relationship. I have to admit I found nothing to relate to in the poem because of its vagueness.

3. Does it leave you wanting more? If I'm brutally honest, no. I think its way too personal and you aren't giving the reader any secrets or titbits to wet ones curiousity. It's like a bland sketch of something that happened but what, I'm left clueless and not hooked enough to project an explanation of my own.

4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece? By knowing through the poem who you are. You are hiding too much for a poem about what I assume is a personal relationship. You have to be brave enough to expose yourself to the reader.

5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem? Its vagueness. You are hiding behind cliches.

6. Any extra thoughts and opinions? If you are going to write a personal poem, there has to be something in it the reader can identify and empathise with.

Reading what I have just written sounds brutal but I'm assuming you posted it here to be told how it is.

 

[Remec]

My thoughts

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Good questions. I wish I really had answers I was comfortable with.

My first take was a sort of comparison of a person's life to the season's of the year, but I think it is narrower than that. It's like how a given relationship ebbed and flowed through time, mirroring aspects of each season as it went from impetuous beginnings into a cooling period then turmoil and disjunction that eventually give way to a renewed romance.

My personal inclination is almost always towards structure, and I think a more parallel construction to each strophe might make a more regular flow to the work. Whether that's actually stronger is, naturally, debatable.

The only detraction is just that niggling point of not knowing for sure if this was a start, breakup, and restart or if the second summer was a fresh start using from what had happened before.

 

[CharleyH]

I understand that you don't want to distract from the poem at hand but I will just answer you briefly as my visits here are irregular

I don't think anyone creates ex nihilo, although I guess somebody must have. I think the key to great writing and using common images in an interesting way is to be true to your own vision. If you stay clear about what you are trying to say and what experience you are trying to capture then even if you use familiar images, hopefully you will have added something new to their connotation from that moment forward. When I am writing and a cliché pops into my head, I try to ask myself is that really what I see? Is that really how I feel? Often the answer is no and with that realization I can move forward and allow my voice to be heard, instead of all the people who came before me. Of course, they are still there in the echo and whispers, but hopefully the reader only hears me speaking in the foreground.

If you don't focus your vision on exactly what it is you want to say, it's easy to grab at ready-made images and prefabricated ideas to produce a poem or a story. In my opinion, it's a diluted story or poem at that point though, one that has lost its power, spirit and voice.

Okay, that wasn't short. Sorry.

LOL, hardly short, but an answer I agree with, and only with the exception of ex nihilo: Even the cavemen at Lascaux got their ideas from life's work.

(apologies LizT)

 

[CrowSingsOver]

Seasons of Emotions

~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance

~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind

~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss

~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream

~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again​

My poetry tends at times to be highly confusing and only really understandable to those that know me really well.....

I recently submitted and had posted:

Seasons of Emotions

1. What do you think the poem is about?
2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
3. Does it leave you wanting more?
4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?

Thank you in advance....

Always, E

1. well at first it seemed to be about how relationships seem to change with the season. It also reminds me how we, as humans, also change emotionally during each season.
2. I may be wrong, but it almost sounds as if the poem rationalizes how people (and also love) changes sometimes, as if it is really due to some seasonal affects and not those envolved
3. I think it's simple and complete
4. it could be stronger, I think, if you worked a bit on the wording, especially for the early part of "spring"
5.just a few spelling errors, but no big deal
6. I really liked the beat of it, and how it seemed to swing back in forth at times

 

[Rybka]

just wanted to say that these are words that every poet should save and reread continously, until they are branded on the brain.

meaning is transmitted through nouns and verbs, not adjectives and adverbs. communication is lost through an overuse of modifiers.

this is a point that is not mentioned often enough, and i wanted to acknowledge Cat for bringing it up here, in such an appropriate spot.

understanding it will automatically increase the quality of a poet's work, all by itself.

Very well stated, but it is truer for prose than poetry. When you write poetry it is possible (desirable?) to let the adj.s and adv.s indicate/hint about what the verbs and nouns are. This is particularly so when you prune toward minimalism. (IMO)


Run Spot run.
See Spot run.
See dick and Jane chase Spot.


Blackishness merges whitely
Blurred in moving
chasing the barking blur

 

[The_Fool]

The one point that I would like to add as a reader is that I would have preferred not to see ~season. You are using the seasons as a metaphor, so continue to do so without directly telling me. It might require rewording certain strophes to strengthen that connection between the relationship, but would certainly be worth it. My impression was that you were taking me by the hand to explain your thoughts. Don't. Make me struggle for it.....

I'm a bit of a masochist that way....

 

[Guest]

The first things that are noticeable is that it starts out in a non-standard season and there are five of them, the resolution at the beginning. The "story" line is a parallel of the story of Niulang and Zhinu; the "valentines day" of Asia, but there are no other referents to it, so I assume it is a close personal reference of yours. Otherwise it looks like a standard procession of the seasons, except with almost no mention of nature; the brittleness of leaves, stillness in the resting, budding of new things, can even be taken another way.
The structure is consistent but the entire thing is composed of sentence fragments. Even if the fragments where exciting and fresh (some of them aren't) the net effect is disassocition and dissolution. This only works in contrast to something solid, even a hint of a story to lead us, a sentence or two would do wonders, to give the audience something to follow.
You have identified the result: "only really understandable to those that know me really well..... "
It has become a five part list poem with nothing concrete for the audience.

I had been trying to convey the changes of love from one love to another. I did not see that it was broken into different poems. But then again this is probably why my poetry does as badly as t does. The seasons were connected to the different phases of love or the dying and rebirth of new love.

 

[Guest]

my opinion (and i'm no skilled critique, so please use only what feels right for you).

1. What do you think the poem is about?
it is about the passage of relationships in time.

2. What do you think was the intent of the poem?
to pervey an experience of two relationships. the first, good before it ended. the second, (the second summer), more mature.

I am glad that you could understand what I was going after.

3. Does it leave you wanting more?
in a way yes. (see 4.)

4. How could it have in your opinion been a stronger piece?
i think it could, yes. but i am not sure if that is because i expect to be able to see more. my preference is for a more smooth flowing poem. some of the phrases you have could be worked together and used as a basis for the story you are telling.

5. Is there anything that detracts from the poem?
there is a starkness to the list-type words that hits me in the first summer. in my opinion, if there is to be a starkness, i would think it could be in the winter season, thereby mimicking the season itself.

Hmmm I did not see the changes in the seasons needing the words to follow needing a change as well until you said something. I can completely understand where you are coming from in that regard. winter harsh and abrupt where summer would be more of a warmth of words... and etc.

6. Any extra thoughts and opinions?
i like the idea you have for this poem. i like some of the phrases you have. i have only read this poem once and did not have any trouble understanding what you wanted to say, but i think it is the way that you say it that could do with a little more work. it seems to me, that you have the basis here, but you need to bulk it up, work on it a little more, to get it smooth flowing to read.

the second summer's relationship could be built on, perhaps to take the maturity a little further, that might make more contrast between the two summers.

i'm glad you shared your writing! and i hope to read more of your work.

Thank you for your constructive feedback, it was and is very helpful I will be looking into rewriting this poem using the feedback that I have gained in this board.

 

[Guest]

I will start by saying I am the epitome of 'underqualified' as far as poetry advice. That being said, this is the impression I got from your poem.

"~ summer
a hot blinding love
a searing energy
wild, erotic, vibrant
ripeness
exuberance"

The first two lines seem to me to begin to describe a relationship in its earliest stages. I enjoyed your use of the summer season as a metaphor for the emotions tied to said relationship instead of the somewhat overdone "Spring", but somewhere after 'energy' it becomes a single string of adjectives instead of a comparison. I would liked to have seen a little more word play. Please understand it is only my impression and nothing more.

I can see where it went from comparisons to descriptive words... can also see where that would make it feel choppy and not flow well or at least keep the same feeling throughout the first summer.

"~ autumn
the brittleness of leaves
slowing of the flow
gentle dying of the heart
rivers of tears
closing of the mind"

Here I see a little more 'meat' in the body of the poem, not just several lines of adjectives, but it seems to be about a completely different subject. It gives me the impression that it is a different poem. I'm find myself stumbling over the words "of the" in nearly every line.

It was supposed to be a different emotion but not a different poem. I think this part was about the dying of the first love, the feeling as it slowly slips away and there is nothing to be done about it or for it at all.

"~ winter
stillness in the resting
fear in the loneliness
anger in the betrayal
rage in the hate
sorrow in the loss"

I have to say that these lines simply leave me wanting. There is the repetition of words (i.e. "in the") that seem to disrupt the flow and I don't get the impression that was your intention. All five lines just seem lifeless. I'm sorry, please don't feel that I'm tearing apart your poem. I am only letting you know how I perceived the writing.

"All five lines seem lifeless." In a sense this is what I was going after. The death of love, in a way the death of the poem. The hopelessness that comes when everything is simply gone and dead. I see the repeating thing and actually remember while I was writing it that it bothered me.

"~ spring
hope a spring
budding of new things
a shyness earned
tentative steps
daring to dream"

These are the lines I like best. "Hope a spring" is a good play on words, IMHO. These lines make me feel like I'm going somewhere, I want to follow along and see what is next all though I feel you could have found a more unique way to say them.

With Spring... I think I was looking at the budding of new flowers.... when they first break the surface they are new, gentle, tender and so very fragile... I thought heavy words or phrases would 'kill the buds' of spring.

"~ summer
a mature love
steadfastness of the soul
freshness as heart partners
fingers clasped together
souls smiling again"

This seems a little tired, as if you just ran a 10K marathon with your words and there just isn't much stamina left.

Ugh....but thank you.

I've read some of your other work, but I have to say this isn't some of the best. My impression is that it needs more cohesion as a whole, a more consistant flow of words and adjectives that have a little less mileage. The subject matter is about the emotions attached to a relationship without expressing any of them effectively.
Again, this is only my own opinion, nothing more. You are a talented writer and I would hate for anything I have said to discourage you. Feel free to simply ignore me.

Thank you for your time and thought in expressing your opinions. I found your criticism well thought out and delievered in an upbeat and helpful manner. As I have said before I will take your words and thoughts and use them to help me rewrite this poem.

 

[Guest]

Sorry it took a while Elizabetht. Here is my take and then answers to your specific questions.

Right away the poem made me think of Northrope Frye. I have two of his books, but nothing directly relating to seasons, but I am certain it was he who defined certain semiotic similarities across literature and I distinctly recall studying this in grades 13 Lit and first year U film course. It's simplicity lies in the fact that it plays to the universally known meanings of the seasons on a first glance. Example: summer is the height of love (and damn I wish I had that book because he refers to seasons as genres with terms like pastoral, tragedy etc.) I see it here: in lines like


Despite the surface simplicity, I discover something in my second reading. Something does not sit right. I have only read 1201's and WildS1's response, and yes, on a level, I agree that the poem can remind one of a relationship, yet 1201 brings up a good point, there are 5 seasons. I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest the five seasons are not so much about emotion, as they are either the stages of the progression of life or loss in a Kublar-Ross sort of way of something, and I totally see WildS1's point about relationship, as the poem best fits with that thought. However, something is amiss in the relationship aspect of the poem, and I agree with 1201 it is something that's disassociative. There is a lack of emotion from the poet in favour a "telling", yet the focus is not clear.

I used the five seasons because I was trying to pull into the poem that we keep moving and growing... that the relationships the time the movement of life keeps going by dragging in the fifth season of summer I was trying to bring in the feeling that time was continuing as life and love would.

The poem ends where is begins, on Summer and your use of words: mature. steadfast, and souls in the last stanza, lead me to believe that summer is not only the beginning, but the meeting and a new beginning. There is confusion, after all, even for me because as much as there is linearity, there is a lack of symbolic cohesion and continuity – something is missing to me in the story, and I truly wish I could pinpoint what. (PS I do not require narrative continuity, but there must be some kind of suture in story or semiotics. Let me get to your questions.

1 and 2, I have surely answered.

The missing thing... that is the question really... what is the missing thing that just doesnt seem to be there... its almost like it wants you to find it but you really have a hard time pin pointing it.

3) It does not make me wanting more of the poem; it makes me want clarification on what is already in the poem.

4) If you tell me what you are trying to accomplish with the poem, then perhaps I could be of better use in this way.

5) It really depends on your response to 4. Do you want a select few to get it, or do you want your ideas to be clear? What is distracting at the moment is the lack of clear focus.

Hope something is helpful. I am eagerly anticipating your response.

As for Champagnes post, she is quite right in one way. If the poet is confused, then the reader will be also.

the changing of seasons, the changing of love, the movement from one love to another, the aging of the one involved so that they can see that there is more then one love in a life, more then one season and more then one chance

Sometimes I think that the feeling or emotion that I was looking for was one thing but when I wrote it out something entirely different came out and that is how things get confused.

Again, thank you for your help and your criticisms of the poem.