11 June 2001: Losing pieces of you by KillerMuffin

[Weird Harold]

Laurel doesn't have a choice for this month, so a bonus story from the author nominations:

Losing Pieces Of You
by KillerMuffin
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=16218


Discussion begins Monday 11 June.

This is what KM had to say:

Okay, so I changed my mind. It's a muffin's perogative. And this story wasn't available a few months ago.

It's called Losing Pieces of You and it's in the Lesbian Sex category. What makes it more interesting, other than the fact that it's probably a better story than The Gathering Night, is that I wrote it in second person with intentional tense shifting and fuzzy grammar.

Ahhh, Muff the hypocrite strikes again! Sheesh. Hey, only one word came back No Suggestions for Spell Check.

I forgot, did I even give my characters names? I don't think so...

 

[Reniago]

Enjoyed the story very much, particularly the emotional context, and the build up. Also in the light of last week's story the appropriate use of sexual language.

The setting was beautiful, as were the people, which is what I think erotica should be about.

The only negative things I would say are that in parts the sexual descriptions were perhaps more technical than erotic. Also perhaps the gender of the voice could be established earlier; while I suspected the story was by a woman, it took me a while to be sure. (This could be more due to my own naivete)

The gender ambiguity of the person to whom the letter is addressed added an interesting dimension which could be played on.

I hope my comments are constructive.

Reniago

 

[Lynn]

I had to read this story 2 times.

Very interesting. Now I don't know if it was me, the phase of the moon, the atmospheric conditions or something else, but the first time I read this story I thought it was disjointed. It felt stilted - almost as if the sentences were too short. I got to the end, and loved the ending so much (it made me cry - if you have to know). I therefore felt I had made a drastic mistake and needed to read the story again from the beginning. It flowed much nicer, easier and was much less stilted the second time. WHY? I don't have the slightest idea, that's why. Maybe because I totally got that it was a letter - never to be sent. I really don't know. Did anyone else have this feeling? If you did - read it again and tell me if your feelings changed, please.



Anyways, it had a very nice sentence structure - but it wouldn't be me if I didn't have one slight negative. The following sentence ddn't make total sense to me:

I didn't know this was a nude beach," she said. She had one of those soft voices you love to so much.

love to WHAT so much?

Again - I needed to read it two times, I disagree that the sex felt too technical. I thought it was nicely done.

Thanks.

 

[alexander tzara]

Little Miss Muffin Sat On Her Tuffin...

Aha, so you see there is merit in the second person POV, KM. I thought that this worked very well and that having the missing third character, "you", present throughout added a lot of depth to what would otherwise have been a fairly straight-forward lesbian romance. It was interesting having the narrator's lost lover constantly there in her mind to compare with her new lover, as someone to share this new experience with like a confidant and possibly even punish for having hurt the narrator in the past.

The end was poignant: the narrator finally saying "goodbye" to her past lover in an unsent letter.

This constant comparison with the previous lover showed how deep the narrator's feelings for her new lover were. In the past she thought she was in love but now she discovers that this is real love.

I'd agree with Lynn that the chopping and changing between second person POV and first person narrating seemed a little stilted at first but I soon got used to this style and found that it added a lot of depth and atmosphere to the story.

 

[kneeonsigh]

the second time

I agree with Alexander and Lynn, the second read did bring the story more into focus. I found the flow between the second person POV and the first person narrative, brought me closer inside the main character.

Following the anguish of a lost love, through even the self deceits (saying “I’d lost the last piece of you”, in the middle of the “letter”, while several “pieces” yet remained; with “thoughts” and even a final ceremony of release on the beach coming after), gave me the impression I was writing the letter, or least privy to the emotions behind the writing.

I don’t know if the second read changed my take, but I would say it deepened it. I did find myself more involved with the character, and really “pulling for her” to rid herself, not from her actual past lover, but from those demons we create inside ourselves, to keep those “pieces” of lost loves alive, and thus give the memories of the past, power over us in the present.

I think the danger of this switching, however is risking loosing the reader’s attention to some of their own demons, which is what caused some of my first reads’ impression of the current lover’s dialogue being a bit forced.


A wonderful, engrossing story.
Thanks KM

 

[JUDO]

Still love it

I read "Losing Pieces of You" when it was posted. In fact, just before on another site and I absolutely loved it.

The first time I started to read it, I had a similar problem to which several of you have alluded. I was reading faster than the prose would allow me to read. I'm not sure what causes this; perhaps the words chosen, the combination of tight imagery, I don't know.

The little critic in the back of my mind was screaming at me, "C'mon, get on with it!" That's when I realized, I was reading too fast, almost skimming the words instead of relishing them.

I blame this tendancy on my American upbringing, wanting to find out now, right now about something and not wanting to wait. "You want fries with that?" This feeling is much like many American's responses to watching European cinema. "Hey! Get on with it. Jesus, I could've cut an hour out of that film."

So, I told my critic to fuck off and started again.

Not only was it a beautiful read, but I found KM speaking directly to me, making me appreciate those little bits of others that linger in our lives long after they are gone.

I can only surmise that some stories have a rhythm that is uniquely their own and as readers, we have to watch that or it's our loss.

Unbelieveable work, KM...as usual. Geewhiz. Don't you suck at anything?

- Judo

 

[Laurel]

I like KM's stories because I feel like she and I are sitting in her kitchen and she's talking to me. She's a natural storyteller, and has an excellent sense of pacing.

What I really like about this piece are the descriptions from the rose bit at the beginning all the way through, she had me seeing and smelling and feeling. I think setting is a really overlooked aspect of erotica. People spend paragraphs describing a woman's ass and legs, then write, "We're in a restaurant." WHAT KIND of restaurant? What's on the walls? What does it smell like? Did you get a booth or a table?

Kurt Vonnegut Jr. once said something to the effect that when writing, you should strip out anything that doesn't either advance the plot or build up your characters. I think that since erotica is a sensual form of writing - that is, appealing to the senses, especially certain senses - I think descriptive elements DO matter, even if they don't necessarily advance the plot. Anything to help make the story more real to the reader will only enhance their enjoyment of the story.