11-8-01 The Earl!

[KillerMuffin]

Sorry it's been so long folks. I'm having a heck of a week. I hopefully have an SDC Jiminy Cricket on my shoulder so this shouldn't happen to often anymore. Without further adieu:


____________________________

Let the word go out into all the lands: The Earl has survived his episode of Writer's Block and has produced an offering for the SDC to dismantle.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64494

I'm only a strictly amateur author, so I recognise that I'm not a fantastic author and probably never will be. Nevertheless, I have the will to improve, so be honest and cruel. I am quite proud of this story and I only have a fragile ego, so try and say something nice too .

Three Questions:

1) Is the build-up too long?

2) Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex?

3) Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more?

The Earl

 

[ronde]

This was a pretty nice read and I really didn't find much that I would change. I like your descriptions and I could feel what your male character felt. The "English" English in some places lends a flavor that I enjoyed. Now for your questions.

1) Is the build-up too long?

My answer is tied in to the second question a bit. The character development of the narrator was done well enough that I understood his feelings of the moment. I understood enough of his past to realize the full impact of this latest rejection. I think you could have done a little more to make me understand what type of girl his sister is. Incest is a pretty big taboo for most people and I need to know what type of person would break it. The perception of her that I picked up is that she's very much like her brother. He's busy telling himself it's wrong, but she makes the first move. That's a little abrupt for me.

2) Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex?

I believe they could be having sex for several reasons. The sister feels sorry for him, the sister takes an intense sibling love one step further, or maybe she's always had these fantasies too. I didn't really pick up on any single reason. She just says she's decided there's nothing wrong with it. Again, I think if I understood her a little better, how she really feels about him, it would be a little more believable. It's tough to do this when writing in first person, and especially so when you have only two characters with which to work. She either has to tell him point blank why she wants to have sex with him, or there has to be some conversation that leads the reader to understand why she's willing to break this social code.

3) Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more?

No problems for me here. I got a really stiff...uh...um...make that a nice visual image from reading it. Seriously, I like your descriptions, and the whole passage is quite erotic. I like the relatively slow development of the scene, and you didn't get "stop action" or dimensional with the physical descriptions. The whole thing had a nice flow and a good ending. I did find it amusing that she changed color from bronze to olive somewhere between the jeans sliding down her legs and then off her feet. I guess she might have tan lines?

I might make a couple of suggestions.

There are either a couple of tiny spelling errors, or I don't understand as much about your particular vocabulary as I think I do.

"Go, she was an expert; ..." - I'm pretty sure you meant to write "God".

"...as I moved my tongue onto her peal." - What's a "peal"? Is this the same as an American "pearl"?

The only thing I found a little disconcerting is the long sentences. The wording is great, but the story would read easier if some of them were broken up.

Incest isn't really my thing, so my remarks about believability are probably colored somewhat. A true incest fan might not feel the same way. I did enjoy reading the story, and I think it will appeal to a lot of readers. The sister is believable once the story gets past her decision to do the deed, and I can empathize with the brother. Having an understanding of the characters and their motivations is a big part of what differentiates a good story from one that is mediocre. Write some more good ones.

 

[TheEarl]

Shit, typos. The inevitability of typing a story from longhand in an internet cafe. Sorry for anyone who gets confused, I couldn't edit for typos.

I will prob be away from a computer for a while, so I won't be able to give much of a response, but I will come back and read and learn.

Thanks, ronde. Yours was a nice ego-booster.

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

TheEarl,

A well paced, entertaining read with some clever word play. Most of my input will be in CAPS inside the text. However, I agree with ronde (always a safe move) that several sentences were a tad long and/or confusing.

Other than that, my main suggestion would be to beef up the character of the sister and give the reader a better sense of time and place. (how old are they, where is this home, why are they living there, what's the time frame, etc.)


Three Questions:

1) Is the build-up too long? NO

2) Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex? THE GUY, YES-THE GAL, NOT REALLY

3) Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more? YES, NO, YES.

Remember, these are just thoughts and suggestions from one writer to another, not eternal literary truths chiseled in stone. I hope some of this helps. Keep up the good work and don't hesitate to contact me to cuss or discuss any of this bilge.

Rumple Foreskin

--

Twenty minutes before I was going to leave, the phone rang. It was Grace, my girlfriend, and she was (TRY OMITTING “AND SHE WAS”) phoning to have one of 'those' conversations. I knew what was coming before she'd even finished the first sentence.

"I think you're a really great guy, I just don't think we really connect, d'you know what I mean? It's nothing to do with you, it's me." GOOD DIALOGUE

Yeah, like fuck it is. There's no surer way to crush a guy's heart than to fob him off with those kinds of weak excuses. Especially 20 (SPELL IT OUT) minutes before a date. I hung up sullenly when she'd and stalked off down the hall. finished (YOU COULD EASILY RE-ORG. THAT SENTENCE AND HAVE ONE LESS BEGINNING WITH “I”. “WHEN SHE FINISHED, I HUNG UP AND SULLENLY STALKED…”)

"Who was that?" My sister Annie popped her head out of the living room. Seeing the look on my face, she realised. "Shit sorry Chris. Was that Grace?"

I nodded dumbly, still apoplectic. (REAL PICKY POINT, BUT ACCORDING TO MY THESAURUS “SULLEN” AND “APOPLECTIC” AREN’T SYNONYMS) She pulled her head back in, recognising (KNOWING?) from experience that I'd appreciate some time alone. I continued down the hall (, THEN WENT IN-) to my bedroom and slammed the door. Sinking down on the bed, I squeezed by eyes shut to block out the tears of frustration and fury and started to beat the shit out of a pillow.

This was about the fourth or fifth time a relationship had ended this way. I was always "really sweet" and a "really nice guy," but "we never really connected, you know?" Yes I did know, but couldn't work out what I was doing that repelled women after 3 or 4 (THREE OR FOUR) weeks in my company.

I'd resigned myself to a depressing evening trying to work out where I'd gone wrong, but there was a knock on my bedroom door before I could start properly wallowing in my self-pity.

"I'm going to rent a video in a couple of minutes. You wanna help choose?" Annie's voice floated through the door.

I considered for a second and the picked myself up off the bed. "Yeah, okay. I'll be there in just a sec."

Annie was my twin sister and we'd always had a kind of psychic connection. When we were younger, we used to finish each other's sentences and predict each other's moods. The bond had got weaker (MAYBE EITHER “GOTTEN” INSTEAD OF “GOT” OR “THE BOND HAD WEAKENED AS…”) as we'd grown older, but we were still very good friends. Our parents had moved around a lot before Mum died, but we'd (ANNIE AND I WOULD) always have each other to talk to, wherever we went.

We'd decided to accompany the film with generous amounts of alcohol and so stopped at an off-license on the way back. Annie said it'd do me good to drown my sorrows for a night, "if only so I can see you smile for once."

Armed only with a couple of bottles of Smirnoff and under the influence of a god-awful film, we decided to have a Brother-Sister discussion about Life, the Universe and Everything, before we broached the discussion of relationships. (I’M CONFUSED. HAVE THEY FINISHED THE VODKA AND WATCHED THE MOVIE?)

"So what happened with you and Grace then?"

I downed my shot of vodka before responding, partly to get it (I’M CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT “IT” IS UNTIL THE NEXT SENTENCE) over with, but mostly in a vain attempt to put off answering. I hated (HATE-UNLESS HE NOW LOVES THE STUFF) vodka, but it (OMIT “IT” ADD “DRINKING IT STRAIGHT”) was the easiest way to get drunk. "Nothing much. We just had a state-of-the-relationship conversation and decided it was best to break it off."

"Bollocks. Was it really that bad?"

"Pretty much." I shot her a rueful grin and she returned it with a flash of teeth. "Let's move on shall we?"

After a while we got onto the subject of first crushes. I'd admitted to Pamela Andersen (being a true child of the80s, Baywatch and a red swimming costume were the primary reasons behind that) and Annie'd confessed to Gianluca Vialli (God only knows the reasoning), before we got onto (TO) first crushes on 'real' people. (IMHO, TWO IS WAY TOO MAY (PARENTHETICAL) REMARKS IN ONE SENTENCE) I'm still a bit confused as to why I told the truth. Maybe it was the fact that I subliminally knew it was the right thing to do. Or maybe it was the vodka.

"Me?"

"Well attractive girl like you, impressionable sheltered lad like me. You'd been my best friend for years. If we weren't related, odds were we'd have got it on eventually." (HE’S A CONFIDENT SOUNDING SON-OF-A-GUN FOR A GUY WHO’S JUST BEEN DUMPED ON, AGAIN.)

I looked up from my shot glass to see Annie blushing furiously and realised the faux pas that I wouldn't have dreamed of making in sober conversation.

"Look Ann, I erm...look, I didn't mean anything serious by it, I just..."

I was saved from digging a deeper hole by her leaning over and kissing me. (I’LL BEAT “THE BRAGIS” TO THE PUNCH, YOU REALLY SHOULD DESCRIBE THAT KISS, TO INCLUDE WHERE SHE KISSES HIM AND HOW LONG IT LASTS) The shock rendered me speechless for a good few seconds afterwards, with a fizzing nerve recollection of her lips on mine hampering rational thought. Annie was watching me to gauge my reaction, chewing her (LOWER or UPPER?) lip and playing with a strand of her hair. My confusion extended to not knowing what to do next, so we sat there looking at each other for a minute, before I took the initiative, leaned over and kissed her.

It was incredible; twenty times better than it had ever been with any of my exes. Our mouths meshed, tongues tentatively exploring each other (NEW SENTENCE) with (OMIT “WITH”) the slight first kiss awkwardness enhancing (ONLY ENHANCED) the experience. My hands started off on either side of her face before working their way through her hair, down to her hips and then sliding up to caress her breasts, reveling in the warmth underneath her blouse, the alcoholic fuzz evaporating in an instant to leave every microsecond crystal clear. (WAY TOO LONG A SENTENCE, ESPECIALLY THAT LAST SECTION)

After an eternity, we separated and my brain switched back on to deliver an unwelcome message: That was your sister you just kissed. (NICE WORDING) From the look in her eyes the same thought was circulating in her head. Conversation(AL?) openers, apologies, jokes and more flitted briefly through my mind as I searched desperately for something to say, before (NEW SENTENCE) eventually coming (I CAME) out with the (A) hideously inadequate "Goodnight then" and fleeing (FLED) to my room, (WITH) hands still burning from the illicit caress.

Breakfast was a stilted affair. Dad was still away on his 'business weekend' (long ago discovered as a euphemism for 'shagging his secretary'), so it was just the three of us, me, Annie and an uncomfortable silence that was growing harder to break with every further second that (YOU MIGHT TRY IT W/O “FURTHER” AND “THAT”) it persisted. Finally Annie broached the subject we were both thinking about.

"Did you mean what you said last night? About fancying me?"

I buttered a piece of toast furiously and avoided eye contact. With luck I could dodge the question.

"Cause I've been thinking about it and I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with it. Us, I mean. I mean if we both like each other, I don't think there's anything wrong with us having a relationship. I mean, I'm on the pill, so kids wouldn't be an issue and I just think if we're adult enough about it, there shouldn't be a problem." Long silence. "Are you going to leave that toast alone and answer me or what?"

I'd listened to her argument and could find no real flaw in her logic. Moreover the conclusion was one that I liked. I looked up at her and found my voice. "Okay then."

A long silence followed. Then another. Then my sister interrupted with "So do you wanna fuck then (I WILL NOT BE CUTE AND SAY HE'D PROBABLY RATHER FUCK “HER” THAN “THEN”. DOING THAT WOULDN’T BE VERY PROFESSIONAL. HOWEVER, SOME OTHER LOW-LIFE MIGHT, SO TRY THE SENTENCE EITHER WITH “ME” INSTEAD OF “THEN” OR JUST W/O “THEN”) or what?"

We ended up in her room. Maybe because she was the instigator, but maybe also because my room was a mess and hardly conducive to a romantic atmosphere. There was still some awkwardness as we regarded each other, not quite sure how to start. Suddenly one of us moved and we were kissing again, the sensations enhanced by the taboo we were breaking. My desire for her was overwhelming and my hands were desperately trying to touch every part of her body at once.

--

Her hands moved down my torso to explore my erect dick and I jumped slightly at her touch. Her hand cupped my prick and started stroking, squeezing, touching and teasing me. Go, she was an expert; the sensations she was causing were so (OMIT “SO” ADD SOMETHING LIKE “INCREDIBLY”) intense as her hand rubbed my shaft before moving to brush the sensitive spot under my bell-end, the constant rhythm creating waves of heat.

All of a sudden she broker off the kiss, gave me a wicked grin (SLID DOWN MY BODY SLIGHTLY?) and placed her head in my lap. I grmouth increased the pressure, my hands sliding underneath her body to stroke her back, which arched at my touch, pushing her breast into my face. My hands roamed her body, stroking and caressing, luxbody, my hands sliding into her knickers briefly before pulling them down. I used my fingertips, brushing the inside of her thigh, working my was up almost to her pussy before going back down, teasing, tantalizing, but never quite touching, my mouth just inches from her, blowing gently on her skin. Each time I moved up, she arched her hips, her body moving unconsciously towards my fingers, trying to gain the contact that (OMIT “THAT”) she desired. I stayed there for a minute, enjoying her frustration and arousal, before finally going down on her. uriating in the touch of her skin, trying to pleasure every inch of her while my mouth worked at her nipple, eliciting gasps and moans. oaned loudly as her lips enveloped me, her practiced tongue lapping at the tip. I felt the suction create pressure inside me as the heat rose and I exploded, lost in a tsunami of pleasure as cum surged out of me. (THAT’S “ME” TIMES THREE IN TWO SENTENCES-ELABORATE.)

--

I kissed all around, slowly working my way from the outside to the center, running my tongue around her dark aureolae, enjoying the feeling of (EACH?) erect nipple in my mouth before tightening my lips and beginning to suckle. She gasped as my

After a minute, I reluctantly relinquished her nipple and moved down her (EITHER OMIT "HER" OR ADD "BODY")

She groaned at the first touch, a pent-up animalistic noise amplified from being stored for so long earlier. (CONFUSING. THERE’S BEEN NO MENTION OF HER BEING A LONG TIME BETWEEN LOVERS. IF YOU MEAN HER ANTICIPATION DUE TO THIS FOREPLAY, THEN I’D SUGGEST RE-WORDING THE SENTENCE.) My tongue began to lap languidly at her folds, already aroused from my previous attentions, slowly and steadily licking, my lips working as I slid my tongue in and around her pussy. (TWO TONGUES IN ONE SENTENCE-MIGHT NEED TO RE-WORD) She was getting wetter every second and I kept up a steady rhythm, enjoying the excitement that I was causing. Her breathing became shallower as I moved my tongue onto her peal. (I GOTTA ADMIT, I DON’T KNOW FROM “PEAT”. IF IT’S SLANG FOR PUSSY/VAGINA/ETC, AND IF YOU WANT TO KEEP IT BUT HAVE FOLKS ON THIS SIDE OF THE POND UNDERSTAND THE MEANING, THEN TRY DESCRIBING “HER PEAL”) The effect was electric as she arched her back again, pushing more of her pussy into my face. Her breasts bobbed as she began to pant; the noises she was making exciting me further.

I freed a hand from under her arse where it had gravitated and slowly slid a finger into her pussy, curling it (TO) find her sensitive spot, attending to her clit from two sides before withdrawing slightly to add a second finger, using hands to drive her to the peak of ecstasy. (THAT LAST PHRASE LOST ME. YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ONE FINGER AND ONE TONGUE, THEN MENTION USING “HANDS TO DRIVE HER….”)

I felt her orgasm build up inside her as her pussy tightened and she got much louder. (“HER” TIMES THREE IN ONE SENTENCE. HERE’S ONE POSSIBLE ALTERNATIVE: “I FELT HER ORGASM BUILDING AND HER PUSSY TIGHTEN WHILE SHE GOT MUCH LOUDER.”) Suddenly she cried out, a wordless moan of pleasure as she lost herself in the shudders of her climax.

We lay there for a second before I pulled myself out of her lap, casting (AND CAST?) an admiring glance at the sweat-sheened and still (OMIT “AND STILL’) panting body of my sister. Part of my brain was trying to resume normal service and point out that this was incest, a religious and moral sin. (BUT) My libido (ONLY) saw a very fit young woman and suspended normal service indefinitely.

Annie sat up, her cheeks still flushed, and flashed a thousand-volt grin at me. "Shit bro, if I'd known you could do that I'd had propositioned you years ago."

"You wanna...you know...do the whole thing?" Damn, I'd just eaten my sister out, but I was still nervous about asking for a fuck.

"You think after that, I'm going to say no?" she moved over to me (OMIT “TO ME”) and straddled me, slowly lowering herself onto my straining erection. I felt her warmth envelop me and shuddered as she hooked her hands around the back of my neck and began to rock gently up and down. My hands found their way to her back to stroke up and down her spine and (WHILE) my lips found hers again.

My senses (ESPECIALLY TOUCH) seemed heightened, touch especially.(OMIT) Brief touches fizzled (ODDS ARE SOME READERS THINK, “FIZZLED” AND “FIZZLED OUT” ARE ONE AND THE SAME. MAYBE “SIZZLED”) on my skin, her nipples brushing my chest, her hands in my hair, the warmth of her thighs on mine. I felt the delicious friction of her on me and the tantalizing rub of her tongue on mine, both of us venturing into each other, enjoying the heat that was building in both of us.

Our kiss broke and we contemplated each other. I stared into her deep brown eyes and felt my libido jump another notch as she looked back at me. Suddenly she shuddered, her eyes closing as her body shook.

"Oh my God" I gasped as she began to move more energetically, her torso writhing as she went faster. Friction built inside of me (WHOA! ANATOMY CHECK TIME. HOW CAN FRICTION BUILD “INSIDE” A GUY? MAYBE AROUND HIS COCK.) and I felt the heat surging, centring in my loins and growing with every movement and every moan from my sibling as our bodies bucked (MOLDED) together, (BECOMING) one organism in search of pleasure.

She collapsed first, her pussy contracting around me, squeezing my penis and (NEW SENTENCE) my senses whited out in a neural overload as I felt the tide (OF WHAT?) overwhelm me, wringing my body dry and leaving me an empty husk.

We lay there for a while, entwined in each other's arms, enjoying each other's warmth and basking in an shared post-orgasmic afterglow. We fucked several more times that day and again the next day, but however good the sex was, we realised that it wasn't right. After a few days we decided to put our physical relationship in the past, putting it aside as an enjoying, but never to be repeated mistake.

Like fuck we did! (CUTE TWIST)

 

[Just_John1]

Good Job!

Earl,

Overall I found the story very enjoyable and well written. I won't comment on the occasional typo or phrasing mistakes, I think Rumple and Ronde did that better than I ever could. I didn't find the typos got in the way of the story and didn't really notice them.

I really liked the build up, but I have been accused before in my own writing of lingering too long on character development. I particularly enjoyed how they appraoched it and then backed away. I found this very believable. I struggled a bit with how quickly they got back into it. It seemed very clinical and abrupt after the emotional build up of the prologue. I wanted to know the range of emotions that the characters felt so I guess I'm saying that the build up was a little too short as opposed to too long.

I understood the reason they were having sex and thought the reason was believable but was interested in more of the thoughts and feelings that went into the decision. I think its an interesting topic, that can be very arousing.

I thought the sex scene was very good. Your descriptions were detailed enough while leaving enough for the imagination to picture. All in all a good read. Keep up the good work.

Just_John1

 

[TheEarl]

Thank you for commenting. Question has to be why 167 people have looked, but only 3 have critiqued. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. And please do keep the critiques coming, the more people's perspective I have, the better.

Peal? My previous use of pudenda must have convinced people that it was a cunning new slang word, but it's just a typo of pearl. Sorry, couldn't edit for typos as that was written in an internet cafe. Speaking of which, is pearl a bit corny?

Rumple: Why didn't you believe in my female character? Can you give me any suggestions on how I can improve a secondary character in a 1st person story? Is it all about dialogue? I know it went a bit James Joyce-like with the semi-colons, that does tend to happen when I write long-hand. I'll try and edit it out.

JJ1: How would you extend the scene at the breakfast table. The intention was that it was more of a mature decision rather than a passionate thing. Would you have written it differently?

The (very curious to learn more) Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

The Earl,

All kidding aside, your questions tend to make me think. For instance, you asked why I didn't believe in your female character? Well gee, now that you mention it, why didn't I believe in her? So I go back and re-read your story (no big chore) and maybe, just maybe, I've finally got the answer, which is:

What's in it for her?

We know what motivates the protag to overcome his scruples about screwing his sister, but we never find out why she's interested in boffing her bro. Of course, we also don't know how old they are or why they're living at their father's place, etc. and some of those things might help explain her motivation. For instance, IMHO, it could explain a lot if she'd recently moved back in after a rough divorce or separation.

I've had many "authorities" say that secondary characters should have at least one unique, distinctive characteristic such as an odd name, great happiness or sadness, some special physical attribute (big boobs or nose, pretty or sinister eyes, a limp, be very short, tall, skinny or fat, etc.) or maybe have an odd speech mannerism, something that'd makes them stand out.

The reasoning is that with major characters, even in a short story, there should be enough time to make them relatively complex and three dimensional. That's not always the case with secondary characters, however. That's why they need something to make them stand out in the story.

Don't hesitate to get back in touch if there's any other way I can confuse you.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[wildsweetone]

i will come back and continue with this before and after work until i'm done
these are just my thoughts and opinions - I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BE WRONG

Twenty minutes before I was going to leave, the phone rang. It was Grace, my girlfriend, and she was phoning to have one of 'those' conversations. I knew what was coming before she'd even finished the first sentence.
(the beginning might have more 'punch' if you began it with the dialogue, then followed it with the explanation.)

"I think you're a really great guy, I just don't think we really connect, d'you(connect. D'you) know what I mean? It's nothing to do with you, it's me."

Yeah, like fuck it is. There's no surer way to crush a guy's heart than to fob him off with those kinds of weak excuses. Especially 20 minutes before a date. I hung up sullenly when she'd finished and stalked off down the hall.(you've gone from past tense in the story to present tense with 'Yeah, like fuck it is.' also, i would prefer to be shown your protag was sullen, rather than be told straight out. how does a sullen person put the phone down? do they do it carefully/quietly? do they rip the whole thing out of the wall and chuck it? do they slam it down?)

"Who was that?" My(should the My be capitalised? sorry i don't know) sister Annie popped her head out of the living room. Seeing the look on my face, she realised. "Shit sorry Chris. Was that Grace?"

I nodded dumbly, still apoplectic.(hmm sullen and apoplectic - two different emotions too close together. need more happening between each, i think) She pulled her head back in,(is she a turtle? try 'She disappeared again...') recognising from experience that I'd appreciate some time alone. I continued down the hall to my bedroom and slammed the door. Sinking down on the bed, I squeezed by eyes shut('by' s/b 'my'. shut feels wrong... like a barrier against reading on... try 'closing my eyes tight' or something similar) to block out the tears of frustration and fury and started to(del 'started to') beat the shit out of a pillow.(if you're gonna beat the shit out of something, then do it)

This was about the fourth or fifth time a relationship had ended this way.(this is twice, change it. also, specify better... 'This was the fifth relationship to end the same way.' also it's present tense again.) I was always "really sweet" and a "really nice guy," but "we never really connected, you know?" Yes I did know, but couldn't work out what I was doing that repelled women after 3 or 4(three or four - 9 and under is written in full) weeks in my company.

I'd resigned myself to a depressing evening trying to work out where I'd gone wrong,(again you're telling me not showing me and i would like to watch you being depressed, put more in here - fill it out a little) but there was a knock on my bedroom door before I could start properly wallowing in my self-pity.

"I'm going to rent a video in a couple of minutes. You wanna help choose?" Annie's voice floated through the door.

I considered for a second and the(then) picked myself up off the bed. "Yeah, okay. I'll be there in just a sec."(why 'just a sec? what were you doing?)

Annie was my twin sister and we'd always had a kind of psychic connection. When we were younger, we used to finish each other's sentences and predict each other's moods. The bond had got(got? try 'become') weaker as we'd grown older, but we were still very good friends. Our parents had moved around a lot before Mum died, but we'd always have each other to talk to, wherever we went.(i'd reword this sentence, wordy... maybe take out 'to talk to')

We'd decided to accompany the film with generous amounts of alcohol and so stopped at an off-license on the way back. Annie said it'd do me good to drown my sorrows for a night, "if only so I can see you smile for once."(why tell me you were stopping off at an off-license if you're not going to tell me something that happened there? you could try it 'We'd decided to accompany the film with generous amounts of alcohol and collected a couple of bottles of Smirnoff on the way home.')

Armed only with a couple of bottles of Smirnoff and under the influence of a god-awful(does god need capitalisation - don't know sorry) film, we decided to have a Brother-Sister discussion about Life, the Universe and Everything, before we broached the discussion of relationships.(i like the way this reads and how it goes into the dialogue... but where are they? i have my minds-eye seeing them on a couch in the lounge at the moment)

"So what happened with you and Grace then?"

I downed my shot of vodka before responding, partly to get it over with,('to get it over with' is cliche. what is 'it' anyway?) but mostly in a vain attempt to put off answering. I hated vodka, but it was the easiest(quickest?) way to get drunk. "Nothing much. We just had a state-of-the-relationship(personally i'd take out the hyphens) conversation and decided it was best to break it off."

"Bollocks. Was it really that bad?"

"Pretty much." I shot her a rueful grin and she returned it with a flash of teeth. "Let's move on shall we?"

After a while('after a while'? i'm missing detailed buildup here, either fill it out, or leave it out) we got onto the subject of first crushes. I'd admitted to Pamela Andersen (being a true child of the80s,(the 80s,) Baywatch and a red swimming costume were the primary reasons behind that) and Annie'd(i prefer 'Annie had') confessed to Gianluca Vialli (God only knows the reasoning), before we got onto first crushes on 'real' people.(hmm new para i think) I'm still a bit confused as to why I told the truth.(try 'I still don't know why I told the truth') Maybe it was the fact that(del 'it was the fact that') I subliminally knew it was the right thing to do. Or maybe it was the vodka.

"Me?"

"Well(an) attractive girl like you, (an)impressionable sheltered lad like me. You'd been my best friend for years. If we weren't related, odds were(are) we'd have got it on eventually."

I looked up from my shot glass to see Annie blushing furiously and realised the(change 'the' to 'my') faux pas that I wouldn't have dreamed of making in sober conversation.

"Look Ann, I erm...look, I didn't mean anything serious by it, I just..."(try 'Look Ann, I er... I didn't mean anything serious by it. I just...' - tiny changes)

I was saved from digging a deeper hole by her leaning over and kissing me.(try - I was saved from making a complete fool of myself when she leaned over and her lips brushed mine.) The shock rendered me speechless for a good few seconds afterwards, with a fizzing nerve recollection of her lips on mine hampering rational thought.(The shock, combined with my still tingling lips, hampered rational thought) Annie was watching me to gauge my reaction, chewing her lip and playing with a strand of her hair.(i know she was watching you and i know it was to see what your reaction would be... rather than tell me that, think about her body language. how was she sitting/standing? did her eyes half close? show me) My confusion extended to not knowing what to do next,(too wordy... try 'Neither of us knew what to do next,') so we sat there(del. there) looking at each other for a minute,(del 'for a minute') before(del 'before' begin new sentence with 'Then') I took the initiative, leaned over and kissed her.

It was incredible;(what was incredible? the kiss?) twenty(i think the rule is '20' but i myself prefer to see it written as 'twenty' like this) times better than it had ever been with any of my exes.(new paragraph) Our mouths meshed, tongues tentatively exploring each other with(del the first 'with') the('with that') slight first kiss awkwardness enhancing the experience. My hands started off(del 'started off' gee i don't want the beginning of a list of where your hands went. try 'My hands touched her face then worked their way...') on either side of her face before working their way through her hair, down to her hips(fullstop I pulled her in close and then caressed her breasts, revelling... )and then sliding up to caress her breasts, reveling in the warmth underneath her blouse, the alcoholic fuzz evaporating in an instant to leave every microsecond crystal clear.

After an eternity, we separated and my brain switched back on to deliver an unwelcome message: That was your sister you just kissed. From the look in her eyes the same thought was circulating in her head.(From the look in her eyes, she thought the same.) Conversation openers, apologies, jokes and more flitted briefly through my mind as I searched desperately for something to say, before eventually coming(try - 'something to say. Eventually, I came out with...') out with the hideously inadequate "Goodnight then" and fleeing to my room, hands still burning from the illicit caress.

Breakfast was a stilted affair. Dad was still away on his 'business weekend' (long ago discovered as a euphemism for 'shagging his secretary'), so it was just the three of us, me, Annie and an uncomfortable silence that was growing harder to break with every further second that it persisted.(try 'with each second.') Finally Annie broached the subject we were both thinking about.

"Did you mean what you said last night? About fancying me?"

I buttered a piece of toast furiously and avoided eye contact.(getting rid of the 'ly' try - I slapped butter on my toast and avoided eye contact.') With luck I could dodge the question.

"Cause("Cause..." s/b "'Cause...") I've been thinking about it and I've come to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with it. Us, I mean. I mean if we both like each other, I don't think there's anything wrong with us having a relationship. I mean, I'm on the pill, so kids wouldn't be an issue and I just think if we're adult enough about it, there shouldn't be a problem." Long silence. "Are you going to leave that toast alone and answer me or what?"

I'd listened to her argument and could find no real flaw in her logic. Moreover the conclusion was one that I liked. I looked up at her and found my voice. "Okay then."

A long silence followed. Then another. Then(del 'Then') my sister interrupted with "So do you wanna fuck then or what?"(i've never seen two silences like that before... it works.')

We ended up in her room. Maybe because she was the instigator, but maybe also because my room was a mess and hardly conducive to a romantic atmosphere. There was still some awkwardness as we regarded each other, not quite sure how to start. Suddenly(del 'Suddenly') one of us moved and we were kissing again, the sensations enhanced by the taboo we were breaking. My desire for her was overwhelming and my hands were desperately trying to touch every part of her body at once.

We separated momentarily so she could relieve me of my T-shirt and I concentrated my hands(del 'my hands') on undoing her blouse. I slipped one hand inside the cup of her bra and fondled a breast, reveling(revelling again? i wouldn't use this word twice in one story) in the feeling which(that) more than equaled(equalled) any of my feverish early-teen imaginings,(fullstop) her nipple[/b]( became )[/b] an exclamation point against my hand as I gently squeezed. She reached behind her back and undid her bra while I extracted my hand to remove her trousers. I slid them down her bronzed thighs, enjoying the silkiness and warmth of her legs, dwelling there while she stepped out of her jeans,(fullstop) leaving her clad only in white knickers, the contrast against her olive skin making her near nudity much more erotic.[/b](Her white knickers contrasted against her olive...')[/b]

My erection was by now(del 'by now' - the sentence works without them) creating quite a tent in my trousers, so(change 'so' to 'as') she helped me out of the last of my clothes and we collapsed on the bed. She straddled me and we continued our exploration of each other's mouths, her tongue rubbing over mine. My hands slid upwards from her hips, dragging across her stomach to run over her pert breasts. I cupped them, enjoying their weight and rubbed my thumbs across the smooth skin.(this flows much better)

Her hands moved down my torso to explore my erect dick and I jumped slightly at her touch. Her hand(She) cupped my prick and started stroking, squeezing, touching and teasing me. Go,(God) she was an expert; the sensations she was causing were so intense(fullstop as her(Her) hand rubbed my shaft before moving to brush the sensitive spot under my bell-end, the constant rhythm creating waves of heat.

All of a sudden she broker[/b](She broke off... - del all of a sudden)[/b] off the kiss, gave me a wicked grin and placed her head in my lap. I groaned loudly as her lips enveloped me, her practiced tongue lapping at the tip. I felt the suction create pressure inside me as the heat rose and I exploded, lost in a tsunami of pleasure as cum surged out of me.(wow )

"Jesus, where did you learn to do that?" I stammered(no way were you stammering! that sentence came out direct and to the point!) once I'd recovered enough breath to speak.

She gave me another wicked grin. "Practice makes perfect. I assume that was good for you too?"

"Better than good"(fullstop inside speech mark close)

I embraced her, glorying in her warmth and enjoying the way her breasts pressed against my chest. I rolled her onto her back and began using my mouth on her neck, my hands roving over her body, sliding slowly up and down her sides. My tongue worked as I licked and sucked, moving slowly down to her chest. Her tits bobbed as she breathed, her excitement clear as I applied myself to her soft cleavage.

I kissed all around, slowly working my way from the outside to the center, running my tongue around her dark aureolae, enjoying the feeling of erect nipple in my mouth before tightening my lips and beginning to suckle. She gasped as my mouth increased the pressure, my hands sliding underneath her body to stroke her back, which(which s/b that - i think) arched at my touch, pushing her breast into my face. My hands roamed her body, stroking and caressing, luxuriating in the touch of her skin, trying to pleasure every inch of her while my mouth worked at her nipple, eliciting gasps and moans.

After a minute, I reluctantly relinquished(del 'after a minute' try - 'Reluctantly, I relinquished' or simply 'I reluctantly...) her nipple and moved down her body, my hands sliding into her knickers briefly before pulling them down. I used my fingertips, brushing the inside of her thigh, working my was[/b](way)[/b] up almost to her pussy before going back down, teasing, tantalizing, but never quite touching, my mouth just(del 'just' a me preference i know. try '...my mouth bare inches...') inches from her, blowing gently on her skin. Each time I moved up, she arched her hips, her body moving unconsciously towards my fingers, trying to gain the contact that she desired. I stayed there for a minute, enjoying her frustration and arousal, before finally going down on her.

She groaned at the first touch, a pent-up animalistic noise amplified from being stored for so long earlier. My tongue began to lap languidly at her folds, already aroused from my previous attentions, slowly and steadily licking, my lips working as I slid my tongue in and around her pussy. She was getting wetter every second and I kept up a steady rhythm, enjoying the excitement that I was causing. Her breathing became shallower as I moved my tongue onto her peal. The effect was electric as she arched her back again, pushing more of her pussy into my face. Her breasts bobbed as she began to pant; the noises she was making exciting me further.

I freed a hand from under her arse where it had gravitated and slowly slid a finger into her pussy, curling it(add 'to') find her sensitive spot, attending to her clit from two sides before withdrawing slightly to add a second finger, using[/b](my)[/b] hands to drive her to the peak of ecstasy.

I felt her orgasm build up inside her as her pussy tightened and she got much louder.('she got much louder' try 'she groaned out loud') Suddenly she cried out, a wordless moan of pleasure as she lost herself in the shudders of her climax.

We lay there for a second before I pulled myself out of her lap, casting an admiring glance at the sweat-sheened and still panting body of my sister. Part of my brain was trying to resume normal service and point out that this was incest, a religious and moral sin. My('...sin, but my...') libido saw a very fit young woman and suspended normal service indefinitely.

Annie sat up, her cheeks still flushed, and flashed a thousand-volt grin at me. "Shit bro, if I'd known you could do that I'd had(had s/b have) propositioned you years ago."

"You wanna...you know...do the whole thing?" Damn, I'd just eaten my sister out, but I was still nervous about asking for a fuck.

"You think after that, I'm going to say no?" she moved over to me and straddled me,(she moved over and straddled me) slowly lowering herself onto my straining erection. I felt her warmth envelop me and shuddered as she hooked her hands around the back of my neck and began to rock gently up and down. My hands found their way to her back to stroke up and down her spine and my lips found hers again.(reword, use of 'up and down' twice close together)

My senses seemed heightened, touch especially. Brief touches fizzled on my skin, her nipples brushing my chest, her hands in my hair, the warmth of her thighs on mine. I felt the delicious friction of her on me and the tantalizing rub of her tongue on mine, both of us venturing into each other, enjoying the heat that was building in both of us.(del 'in both of us')

Our kiss broke and we contemplated each other.(Our kiss broke and I stared...') I stared into her deep brown eyes and felt my libido jump another notch as she looked back at me. Suddenly(i've lost count of the 'suddenly's') she shuddered, her eyes closing as her body shook.

"Oh my God" I gasped as she began to move more energetically, her torso writhing as she went faster. Friction built inside of me and I felt the heat surging, centring(spelling?) in my loins and growing with every movement and every moan from my sibling as our bodies bucked together, one organism in search of pleasure.

She collapsed first, her pussy contracting around me, squeezing my penis('...penis. My senses...') and my senses whited out in a neural overload as I felt the tide overwhelm me, wringing my body dry and leaving me an empty husk.

We lay there for a while, entwined in each other's arms, enjoying each other's warmth and basking in an(a) shared post-orgasmic afterglow. We fucked several more times that day and again the next day, but however good the sex was, we realised that it wasn't right. After a few days we decided to put our physical relationship in the past, putting it aside as an enjoying, but never to be repeated mistake.

Like fuck we did!(lol! love it!)

my notes...
there are over 50 words ending with 'ly'
tense changes... narration should be past, dialogue should be present... or at the very least, keep it consistent
cliches - seems like quite a few to me (could just be me though) 'digging a deeper hole', 'wouldn't have dreamed'
first person thoughts - i'm an advocate of putting them in italics. makes it so much easier to read them.

okay overall thoughts to follow...

 

[TheEarl]

WSO: Thankyou. New blood! Feel free to do it in installments. I switched to present tense when I was showing his thoughts: <b>Like fuck it is</b> as opposed to <b>Like fuck it was.</b> I'm trying to separate thought and narration. Is it not clear? If not, how can i make it clearer? The thoughts are also a lot less precise than the narration; almost like dialogue. Is this immediately clear?

Apologies about the typos. This was typed in an internet cafe and I was constantly looking over my shoulder and waiting to be proclaimed a pervert. Therefore typo-editing was problematic (c.f non-existent).

I think god-awful is no caps, whereas God is caps. I think it's a matter of preference.

WSO, don't be apologetic. Same for you RF. I put this up here and although I'm proud of it, I'm not afraid to have it critiqued and be told that it's shite. If I was, then i wouldn't have put it up here.

The Earl

 

[TaffyJ]

My writing is certainly no better than yours, but...

I've read the other critiques, and mostly agree with them. It's a good story, and very readable.

There are a few things I'd like to see. But this could just be because I'm female. I think your characters could use slightly more development. You got me 90 percent there, but a few more defining details would add spice. I understand you couldn't go into internals with the sister because of the point of view. It's that fine line to walk again, because I also don't like reading a physical description inventory. Maybe you could mention one special characteristic that had always driven you mad with lust when you used to fantasize about her as a teen.

I applaud you for having them make a mature decision at the breakfast table. That's a refreshing change from, OMG, how did I end up in bed with my sister? Still, a bit more introspection might be spicy. Maybe have him argue with her at the breakfast table a bit before agreeing to sex. You could mix in some internal thoughts that he didn't feel like arguing his way out of soomething he wanted to do, but he was concerned about not messing up their relationship or something. As he sat there talking to her, he lost the will to argue because she was just so damn sexy. Just my perspective.

Build up the anticipation more on their walk to the bedroom.

Now, the big difference between me and the male reviewers. I thought the sex scene was a little mechanical. I understand my preferences are probably different than most. I wanna know what's going on inside the character as well as what their hands, mouth, and body are doing. My thought here is you were trying to appeal to those who like lots of play by play description. It was a good scene, and I especially liked when you described how her pussy felt wrapped around him.

You've got a unique writing style. It makes for an interesting read. It's not just that you're from the UK. It's something personal in the way you put the words together. Kind of like how anybody would recognize a Dali or Escher at a glance. Now, I'm not trying to puff up your ego. That's just how it struck me.

I hope you don't take any of this as harsh. You could read my stuff and find a lot more wrong, I'm sure. I know its diffficult to see the faults in your own work. I combed over mine until I thought it was spotless before I submitted it. But I've been made aware it's full of crap I didn't see. Here's to pain and growth!

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks Taff. I would have said that all my stuff was fairly eclectlic, but I'm quite flattered that you think I have a 'style.'

I wanna know what's going on inside the character as well as what their hands, mouth, and body are doing.

What would you suggest I write? This isn't snide, it's curious. I tried to go into thoughts, but there's only so much OMG I'm fucking my sister you can put in and I often end up in a loop. Any ideas?

Why don't you submit some of your stuff for ritual disembowelment, sorry I mean perusal? It's painful, but kinda fun and definitely very useful. If nothin else RF can point out all your typing errors.

STOP BEING APOLOGETIC! I don't mind that people are criticising. I'd be more upset if they weren't and were just glossing over. I know it's not perfect, I just don't know where. This is where you come in.

Incidentally, I wrote a story ages ago called Seducing Dawn (see sig) which I submitted to the SDC. I've just rewritten the first chapter based on the advice i received. Plannign to submit the entire thing to the SDC once I've finished, but already it's looking a hell of a lot better. Anyone who wants to see the difference the SDC can make, I've still got the original somewhere.

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

TheEarl,

You asked Taffy, "What would you suggest I write? This isn't snide, it's curious. I tried to go into thoughts, but there's only so much OMG I'm fucking my sister you can put in and I often end up in a loop. Any ideas?"

--

Your question has inspired me to toss in some more hand grenades just to see what pops. (By the way, ain't all these responses neat?)

Your problem is one faced by most writers, but especially those working in first person. While you don't have the old, reliable omniscent, third person narrator to do the heavy lifting, you can still slip stuff in using first person narrative and dialogue. (warning: this is all theoretical-I write in third person)

After the phone call, the sister shows sympathy and asks the protag about his problem. Why not have him return the favor? At some point early in the story, perhaps when you're giving background info., your narrator might explain why she's there (Sis had come back home after....) or you could use dialogue. "I'm sorry you got dumped on, Bro." "No problem, Sis. In comparison to the beating your old boyfriend gave you, this is a flesh wound."

Just some thoughts.

RF

 

[wildsweetone]

perhaps a different way to begin...

"I think you're a really great guy..." Twenty minutes before I was going to leave, the phone had rung. It was Grace, my girlfriend, and she was phoning to have one of 'those' conversations. I knew what was coming before she'd even finished the first sentence. "I just don't think we really connect. D'you know what I mean? It's nothing to do with you, it's me."

Yeah, like fuck it was. There's no surer way to crush a guy's heart than to fob him off with those kinds of weak excuses. Especially 20 minutes before a date. I'd hung up sullenly when she'd finished and stalked off down the hall.


okay re the 'Yeah, like fuck it is/was."

the narration begins in past tense... if i was in story telling mode [past tense], then i'd say 'like fuck it was'...

now, my mechanics of writing are really bad... i know when something sounds odd, and it's the 'feeling' i go from, not the actual knowledge of grammar (it's non-existent for me really).

Three Questions:

1) Is the build-up too long?

2) Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex?

3) Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more?

1) no, it's okay.
2) the guy fantacised, the girl...? hmm more detailed explanation would be better.
3) to be honest, i didn't read it to get off to... my brain was doing it's 'editor' thing. though you may notice areas where there is less comment from me... that's where it seemed to flow smoother, which generally indicates the amount of description is okay.

overall - geez i'm sorry this all sounds so clinical. i much prefer doing this kind of thing in the background - i can waffle easier

it's a story of incest that contains no nastiness. i don't know what the voting is like for it, but if it's low, that'll be the reason.

darn, i have to get offline again. i'll pop in tomorrow and see if you've any questions to ask me.

 

[M.A.Thompson]

Earl, I always feel so uncomfortable giving feedback as I am by no means a great author myself. My statements on your story are merely my opinions and feelings about what I read as I have no background in literary criticism to rely upon. Also, I have not read the other discussions above mine as I often find myself persuaded by their arguments so if I end up reiterating things already metioned, please forgive me.


I will start with your questions:

Is the build-up too long?

Not in my opinion. I personally enjoy a good build up; I like to know as much about the characters as possible. You set up your protagonist sufficiently but it would have been nice to know a little bit more about the sister and where she is coming from.

Also, the build up would have been even better if you hinted at some seduction between the two along the way. Playful flirting, subtle touches, little foreshadows of the things to come.

Did you believe in the reason why the characters were having sex?

Honestly, no. I know he was lonely and feeling dejected, I know they share a connection most siblings don’t in being twins and I know they are drunk when the first kiss is initiated, but it is less than not believing in the reasons for me as it is more I don’t understand why they are having sex?

Perhaps I should add that I do not identify with incest in the first place as I do not find it at all appealing but I tried to look at the situation in your story objectively and still I did not see what the attraction between them was. If the sex happened the night before when they were still drunk I would have bought that. Maybe if you added something from their history that could lead to this. If you are going to fuck your sister, you better have a real good reason in my opinion.

Was the sex scene horny enough? Should I have skimped on some of the description? Alternatively, should I have added more?

Again, incest turns me off. I decided the only fair way for me to answer this was to read it as if it were just a regular old sex scene and even then it fell a little short of horny enough. I am big on description but this reads to me a little more like a play by play. Sex is hot when you write about not only what is going on in the bed but in the head as well: emotions, feelings, sensations.

You flirted with these, especially the paragraph where the intercourse begins but a lot more would have made it much hotter.

Now a few points I jotted down while reading:

I did find my share of typos and tense changes but I cannot think of a story here, including my own, where I have not.

I think it is best to stay away from the million dollar words, especially with the type of audience this stuff attracts. Apoplectic will leave most readers scratching their heads and feeling stupid.

I love the subtle humor and sarcasm in the narrator’s voice, it added to my enjoyment but unfortunately, he also tends to get whinny when discussing his past failures.

The paragraph where he confesses to having a crush on his sister is confusing and I had to read it a few times to figure out what was being said and who the quote “Me?” belonged to.

“Conversation openers, apologies, jokes and more flitted briefly through my mind as I searched desperately for something to say, before eventually coming out with the hideously inadequate "Goodnight then" and fleeing to my room, hands still burning from the illicit caress.”

Very nice. I loved this line. As I did this one:

“so it was just the three of us, me, Annie and an uncomfortable silence”

A true gem!

Dialog is always such a challenge in these stories, you want it to be sexy without sounding like a cheap porno. Your characters dialog sometimes sounded like childish banter to me: "So do you wanna fuck then or what?", "Shit bro, if I'd known you could do that I'd had propositioned you years ago.", "You wanna...you know...do the whole thing?", not sexy to me.

I was so ready to kill your ending as cheap and predictable until I read the last line: “Like fuck we did!” Brilliant! It saved the story.

**********

Wow, reading over this you would think I hated it, which I actually did not. I think you are a very good writer Earl, as you should know from feedback I have sent you prior, but I am a very fickle reader I suppose.

Putting a story here is a brave thing and I really respect you for it. Also, thank Rumple for getting me here as I truly forgot this place existed until I read his post in Authors Hangout.

 

[TheEarl]

Great thanks to RF. I know half of the replies are me, but 13 is still a lot better than 4 which I had before your impassioned cry.

WSO: The voting is actually quite good: 4.40 or thereabouts. Incest without nastiness? I did try and research the incest category before I started, but 90% of incest stories are, to put it mildly, complete and utter shit. No plot, no idea why these two are in bed. So I decided to try and break the taboo with a drunken kiss and then have them make a mature decision. I couldn't think of any other way of making it halfway believable: I've never done it, so it's not as though I have 1st hand experience. Any suggestions of alternative ways to break the ice?

Read my review of JustJohn1's story mental telepathy and note where the comments start gettign further and further apart. At some points I had to drag myself back to actually critiquing the story.


M.A.Thompson: Unfortunately the million pound words are usually the first ons that come to my head as being apt and I dislike dumbing down my stories. People who don't like them should get a dictionary. Sorry that sounded really harsh towards you, but it wasn't directed at you.

Again, like I asked Taffy J, what would you have put in for the protagonist's thoughts. There's only so much amzement and wow what agood body's that you can put in. Any suggestions?


I know its very easy to sound snide here without the help of facial expressions, but please don't apologise for being nasty. The fact that you're all here helping shows that you aren't being nasty.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

WSO: The voting is actually quite good: 4.40 or thereabouts. Incest without nastiness? I did try and research the incest category before I started, but 90% of incest stories are, to put it mildly, complete and utter shit. No plot, no idea why these two are in bed. So I decided to try and break the taboo with a drunken kiss and then have them make a mature decision. I couldn't think of any other way of making it halfway believable: I've never done it, so it's not as though I have 1st hand experience. Any suggestions of alternative ways to break the ice?

i must remember to go and vote... 4.4 is good. i have to admit, i've not read many incest stories, really only a few i've given feedback on.

i'm not sure i can help with plot ideas, i can't seem to do it for myself. but here's a thought or two see if anything is workable out of this waffling...

ways to break the ice...

emotional... anything that takes the normal emotional feelings to a different level (could be higher - really happy, could be lower - really angry) will pique another persons interest/curiosity.

discovery... adoption at birth of one or all siblings.

curiosity... part of a maturing awareness is curiosity. if only one male and one female child in family and perhaps isolated by environment then curiosity could surface.

love... is it possible to truely love your brother/sister that much that you'd want to take a next step in a relationship?

like... nobody else understands you like your sibling, your sibling has intelligence.

circumstances... where outside influences persuade siblings... only two people left on earth; thrown together as survivors from a plane crash;

something has to attract the siblings together. lust/love/caring/curiosity/outside circumstances/illness/comparison/belief

does any of this help or does it hinder?


(can't remember if i said this before or not... it's a thought. imagine you are actually telling somebody a story of an event that has already happened. - that might help unmix the tense thing)

 

[jon.hayworth]

So many good writers and editors have gone before me, that this feedback might seem really nit-picking.

Point one. Unlike RF I did not find "apoplectic" to be an inappropriate word to describe anger - maybe this is a difference between UK English and USA English.

However the feeling / tone conveyed in Para 3 from the phrase "Yeah like fuck it is." suggested that this was going to be a very immediate "Stream of consciousness" Account. By Para 5 the accounts tone was far more reflective. - A question of Consistency.

I thought you skimped on the build-up tending to tell rather than show. This applies twice. - First to the relationship between the narrator and his twin sister Annie. The second time the relationship to the father - I felt that there was room for some comment on why his father felt the need to lie about the affair with his secretary, when his children are adults 18+ and he is a widower.

You also skimped on working through the INCEST DILEMA he should have had some comment - thought or dialogue when she says "Do you wanna fuck me"

Consistency again! In the para where he is undressing her he slides her "TROUSERS" down her thighs etc. She steps out of her "JEANS".

I believe from my UK to USA Dictionary source that knickers are not panties to the Americans. Unless an American advises different it is a word I avoid using.

I hope these comments are not too carping. I was annoyed because overall it was a well written story that I felt could have gone another five hundred words or so - but I like long slow build-ups - so to some extent I felt cheated.

For the record I DO ENJOY INCEST STORIES BECAUSE THEY IF THEY ARE WELL WRITTEN THERE IS ALWAYS THE MORAL, ETHICAL, LEGAL PROBLEM TO BE OVERCOME.

jon

 

[TheEarl]

WSO: You didn't vote? I'm hurt. I'm printing out that list. Very helpful.

Jon: Your comments aren't nitpicking. This is something that's come up with a couple of people here: Show rather than tell. Is this a huge problem? Should I show all the time, or is there a place for tell?

I use knickers and arse on a matter of principle, unless my narrator is American rather than English. You'll rarely get me to say panties and never ass unless I'm talking about a donkey. Loses me readers and votes I know, but it's my story.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

keep yer hair on 'andsome

okay i voted!!!

yes i agree with jon's comment, it could do with a little billowing out - i would guess you could go another 500 to 1000 words.

may i ask a question Earl? did you plot this story, how did it evolve?

typing in an internet cafe...
not sure if this is a consistent place you type in... do you not have access to a pc at home or work? just asking because it occured to me some programmes have the spell checker thing... i can't remember but if you typed it into your email program and saved it as a draft, then went back and ran the spell check over it, it might work? or hotmail - can't recall now, but i think there's a spell checker there...

the point being, that you could save your work off the pc - ie an email program... then go back into it when you had more accessibility time...? hmmm don't let circumstances push you into submitting a story that you haven't given full attention to...? i don't want to sound like i'm ordering you around... i'm just thinking out loud. if you know it's got typos, (or even think it might have some), save it. oh... was it on a deadline?

that list by the way was just random thoughts. i have been playing with words of emotion lately... seems an awful lot can come from one word i.e. 'angry'

edited to add: i have another apology to make to you Earl. i'm sorry. i neglected to say previously that although incest isn't in itself a particular turn on for me, i think that you have written a good story. i LIKE the fact that it's incest from a 'grownup' point of view. to explain that, it's nice to see maturity. there are many kinds of relationships, i'm not so sure that incest with love, or caring, is bad. i loathe the word 'incest' because it carries such bad dogma with it.

hmm thinking further to that... what would you say is your female characters most prominent emotion?

 

[TheEarl]

I'll ask the questions, thank you...

All of my previous stories have been written at home on my computer. However I'm not at home and I got easily bored. Picked up a notepad and started to write longhand. It's the first story I've ever writen in longhand.

I can type as fast as I can speak, but my writing's very slow, so it was a long and painful experience. I wrote and edited the entire thing in a notebook, while the two people in the same room (The Ian and Carl that the story is dedicated to) read and played cards, having no idea what I was writing. Then I found an internet cafe and typed it up. It was edited, but it couldn't be edited for typos. Hence "peal" and "Go." Unfortunately both of those are actually words, so the spell-checker didn't pick them up.

Interesting question about Anne's primary emotion. I actually have very little idea. I would imagine maybe, surprise at her brother's admission and then after thinking about it, slow arousal and a sudden realisation that the taboo wasn't really that big a thing. If I rewrote this in 3rd person omniscient, then that's how I'd write it, but certainly, I didn't really know at the time. I'd have had a vague idea, but I wouldn't have known for sure.

Point to consider.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

keep yer 'air on

the reason i asked the last question was...

if you can define Annie's primary emotions (as an afterthought i.e. after the story has been written), then i have a feeling you should be able to go through your story and enhance the definition... ?

just thinking out loud.




***
(sorry about the questions, it's inherent i guess. he who does the work, does the learning... you wanna learn, you do the work. a good way of learning is by answering questions which make you think. - actually, i'm learning by asking them too, so thanks )

 

[TheEarl]

WSO: this is why people should come to the SDC more often. I've learned a hell of a lot from critiquing other people's work.

Question for the SDC: Do you rewrite your work based on the recommendations of the SDC, or do you just remember the points for next time? Currently rewriting a story which has been torn apart previously by the SDC and it's turned out much better due to the advice.

The Earl

 

[wildsweetone]

WSO: this is why people should come to the SDC more often. I've learned a hell of a lot from critiquing other people's work.

Question for the SDC: Do you rewrite your work based on the recommendations of the SDC, or do you just remember the points for next time? Currently rewriting a story which has been torn apart previously by the SDC and it's turned out much better due to the advice.

The Earl

to be honest, i feel such a twit voicing my thoughts on your story out loud like this. it's way different showing my doubts and uncertainties on a one to one basis, (i do that for some authors). on here i feel like i'm walking in a mine field. my own perception and problem, sorry.

this is my first SDC so can you tell me have i helped in any way with anything i've said? be honest with me because i'm uncertain about sticking my head in the SDC again... i would like to, but it's so 'open'...

i like that i can read other people's suggestions (i did that after giving my own so as not to be swayed)... i also like that we can discuss different points others may bring up.

my personal opinion on rewriting is that if you've of a mind to improve on a particular story you've already submitted... then to 'prove' to yourself that you've learned something, by all means rewrite it. i would expect that you're so proud of what you've learned that you'd actually enjoy sharing it, so re-submission is the obvious next step. (not essential though and should only be done if it feels 'right' to do so.)

 

[Just_John1]

Wildsweetone

to be honest, i feel such a twit voicing my thoughts on your story out loud like this. it's way different showing my doubts and uncertainties on a one to one basis, (i do that for some authors). on here i feel like i'm walking in a mine field. my own perception and problem, sorry.

this is my first SDC so can you tell me have i helped in any way with anything i've said? be honest with me because i'm uncertain about sticking my head in the SDC again... i would like to, but it's so 'open'...

IMHO you are more than welcome Wildsweetone. I think your comments show that you took some serious time to read the story and your insights have been great. I agree with you that it can be intimidating here on the open forum with the likes of the people we have here. I know I am intimidated, god I really suck at grammar. I used to only comment through Email but Killermuffin had some pretty persuasive arguments on why we should do it here and I've found it a good learning experience and actually if I really admit my inner thoughts, a whole shit load of fun.

 

[TheEarl]

this is my first SDC so can you tell me have i helped in any way with anything i've said? be honest with me because i'm uncertain about sticking my head in the SDC again... i would like to, but it's so 'open'..

Oh hell yes, WSO. Stuff like that list, asking about Anne's emotions. Great stuff. The SDC is so much better than feedback, because you get to work off other people's points and develop them. Other people will open up POV that you never thought of looking at and everyone gets better for the experience. Just watching RF work at a story is a learning experience.

The Earl