100% Vanilla! (An Open Farce)

[Arioso]

Disclaimer: This is intended as a humorous thread, that will begin with a coupla ditzy chicks sitting around talking about their plain, ol' vanilla sex lives with the hubbies. NO OFFENSE IS INTENDED to anyone -- this is purely a venture to inject a little humor into sexual roleplay. Shereads and I will get the ball rolling, and a seat is saved for Rhovan, but anyone who is interested is welcome to jump in. Feel free to use this thread to indulge in some tongue-in-cheek chuckles over your fave pet peeves about tired old sexual routines. Let your hair down and get ridiculous.

OOC: June Platt, age 42, average height, average boobs, average looks...all around average...married to Ward Platt, an average man. June is currently sitting with her dear friend and next-door neighbor in the beauty parlor....


IC:
Half-skimming through recipes in the perky little women's magazine for delicious desserts that will help you shed those fifteen unwanted pounds, June turned to her friend and said:

Do you know that Ward is getting so good at containing himself that I hardly have to wash the sheets after our, her voice dropped to a hushed whisper, marital encounters.

Her friend's eyebrows raised ever so slightly. "Oh?"

Yes, June continued, titillated at the prospect of discussing her S-E-X life in such a public setting...where, of course, nobody was really paying attention... He's such the multi-tasker. Why, last night he was able to watch the entire second half of a Knicks-Lakers game on ESPN while we were...you know...doing it...and he managed to keep his strokes so neat and precise and hold himself in...there...for just the right length of time that not a single drop spilled out. What a dear...he's so considerate.

As her friend nodded in agreement, June prompted, So how are things with you, dear?

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Carole

OOC:

Not sure what you wanted ... hope this is OK.

DM x

IC:


So how are things with you, dear?

Carole flicked the pages determinedly ignoring the chocolate desert and focusing instead on the "14 ways with fromage frais - a fortnight of fulfilment and fat free fantasy"

"Well .... I've no idea just what is happening with Dennis lately..."

She blushed hotly and turned the page, the meagre breeze fanning her burning cheeks.
She saw her friend raise an eyebrow.

"He is becoming ... "

She struggled for the word.

"Let's just say he is not half as considerate as your Ward ..."

Seeing her friend's continuing curiosity she sighed in resignation and pressed close in embarrassed confidence.

"Dennis ... is becoming ... demanding ... last week ... we did ... it ... "

She braced herself to confess.

" ... three times .... and ... "

Carole looked at June's incredulous face.

" ... and ... that included ... twice in one night!"

She fanned herself with the now closed magazine, hardly daring to look her friend in the eye.

 

[Arioso]

Welcome, DM!

OOC: That was sweet, oh Delicious One. Welcome to the irreverent fun.

Notice: Just to make it clear, the seat to June's OTHER side is exclusively reserved for her OTHER best friend and OTHER next door neighbor, to be played by Shereads, whenever she's ready.

 

[shereads]

Clarice TimesNewRoman

OOC: Thank you AriO and welcome Delicious. We're at the Beauty Parlor, right? Which is why our chairs are lined up side-by-side?

I may have some difficulty hearing you both over the noise of all the hair driers, so I apologize in advance if sometimes, in response to something particularly naughty and confidential that Delicious is talking about, I lean across Ario and cup my hand to my ear and say, "He did WHAT? With his WHAT?"

I'll try to keep that to a minimum.


---------------------------
Clarice TimesNewRoman is 34 years old and a former Miss Pickens County. She is currently blonde, and her enormous hair is the envy of all her friends.

Clarice works out four times a month with a personal trainer, and is only eight pounds heavier and half-a-cup-size smaller than when she brought Pickens County to its knees with her performance in the Evening Gown competiton.

Clarice is married to Wallace, a TV repairman specializing in Beta-format video cassette players. They have one-point-five beautiful children. (Little Jon-Britnéy is not pageant material, as she has her father's weak chin.) Clarice's son Clooney won a Beautiful Baby competition at age 2, but his father insists that 7 is too old for a boy to work the pageant circuit. He could have been a contender...

-----------------------------
Clarice IC:

Just as Carole is getting to the good part, somebody turns on the huge bonnet dryer two seats down. Wouldn't you know, the woman responsible is that b-i-t-c-h Vickeé Rhapsody who won Miss Pickens County the year after Clarice - and went on to win fame as TV 49's MegaDoppler® WeatherCaster. Hisss...

With the dryer blasting, it's really hard to hear what Dennis and Carole did that's so shocking, it must be whispered.

"Last week we....three times..........twice in one night!"

"You did WHAT twice in one night? Speak up, Carole! June, what did they do? And why did they do it twice?"

 

[Arioso]

June Platt

June's cheeks flushed and her eyes widened at the risque confession that Carole had made. And to make matters worse, Clarice had raised her voice, loudly asking what they were talking about.

Oh my! Such an improper subject to be drawing attention to.

Leaning closer to Clarice and trying to manage a discreet murmur that would somehow be audible above the hypnotic whir of the hair dryer, June explained, "Clarice and her husband...they were in bed, and did the...you know, the in-bed thing, twice in the same evening."

However, June was unable to answer the other part of Carole's question. She was quite frankly just as baffled as her friend as to what could possibly have prompted such an adolescent display of hormones.

Shifting in her seat toward Clarice, June whispered furtively, "Is it a mid-life crisis? You poor thing, it must have been exhausting. Once is enough for an evening, isn't it? I mean, we brush our teeth once, we wash our faces once, we...ahem...relieve ourselves once...what on earth was he thinking, sweetheart?"

June tried to ignore the sting of the chemical permanent setting into her scalp as she waited eagerly for Clarice's response.

 

[shereads]

Clarice

Clarice fought the familiar tingling in her nether regions that was her body's inevitable response to talk about...sex. There, we've said it.

Twice! Not only twice, but twice in one night!

"I wonder sometimes if Wallace might not want more of...it. More often," Clarice said.

"Oh, yes," said an unwelcome voice to her left. The voice of her nemisis, Ms. Rhapsody, whose presence on TV 49's MegaDoppler WeatherCaster had coincided with Wallace's sudden fascination with weather patterns.

"Yes, what?" Clarice snapped.

"Yes, I believe that your Wallace may have needs beyond the needs of any one woman...One ordinary woman."

 

[Lady_Kit]

Vickeé Rhapsody

The art of looking beautiful, in the opinion of Vickee' Rhapsody, was to take care of ones body as if it were a temple, to present a genteel demeanor in every situation, and above all to make sure that other women always looked worse by comparison. That was why she meditated daily, watched her weight and took advantage of any chance to dig at the only woman who had ever challenged her claim to the title of Miss Pickens County, Clarice TimesNewRoman.

Yes, I believe that your Wallace may have needs beyond the needs of any one woman...One ordinary woman. However, rest assured that if an ordinary woman will do, you will most certainly fit the bill, dear Clarice.

Vickee' watched as Clarice absorbed the thinly veiled insult and prepared a rebuttal. They'd been rivals so long that the battles between them were almost predictable, but the victories were still sweet.

Of course, my Jerome is much more discriminating, not to mention considerate. He never troubles me with his attentions when I am preparing for an important telecast. He is always quite the gentleman in the privacy of our boudier.

 

[DeliciousMaiden]

Carole

It was mortyfiying enough a confession to make without Clarice shouting her business all around the Beauty Parlour.
Carole’s face burned making her pale complexion flame and causing her to hide it in the magazine she held onto as if it were a safety harness.

"You did WHAT twice in one night? Speak up, Carole! June, what did they do? And why did they do it twice?"

Carole threw a desperate look at June.
Could Clarice not show a bit of … tact … ??

"Is it a mid-life crisis? You poor thing, it must have been exhausting. Once is enough for an evening, isn't it? I mean, we brush our teeth once, we wash our faces once, we...ahem...relieve ourselves once...what on earth was he thinking, sweetheart?"

Carole emerged from the protection of her magazine and sighed heavily, lulled into confession by her friends obviously sincere sympathy.

”It’s not just that June … “

She glanced along the line to check the other women were … occupied ... then leaned closer.

”Does Ward ever … ever … “

She halted unable to continue.

”Dennis … well … the suggestions he’s making lately … and … “

Again she took refuge in the magazine her head disappearing from sight once more.
Her petite frame shook in shame.
She was a woman of 39 for goodness sake!
Not some bimbo.
How could she ever tell these women what had happened the other night ... much less confess that she had enjoyed it!