nitelite33
Chillin' like a villain
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2003
- Posts
- 1,280
1. Recite dialogue from Caddyshack.
2. Show her your high school yearbook and point out your friends, point out your enemies, point out your enemies who used to be your friends, etc. Describe an incident that took place on a Saturday night long ago and involved a few of the people you’ve mentioned. Refer to them by first name, and act as if she knows them and cares.
3. Explain what MLB, NCAA, NBA, WWF, NHL, NFC, AFC, Navy SEALs, radar, scuba, and NASDAQ stand for.
4. Exhaustively describe your weightlifting history (e.g., “When I was 14, I could only bench the bar—but now I’m huge. I can bench two plates on each side. And I’ve done even better on the decline bench…”).
5. Show her your baseball card collection and describe to her the monetary as well as the spiritual value of a Wade Boggs rookie card. Explain the various functions of the protective plastic sheath and those of other storage options you may someday employ.
6. Tell her a “really funny” story about something that happened to you—one you’ve told her before. As you relate it, pause several times to crack up at your own hilarious insights. Halfway through, go back and start again, telling it in exactly the same way with exactly the same inflections.
7. Pop Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend into the VCR. Keep shouting, “He’s the greatest white man ever to play the game!”
8. Show her how you can make the players on your hockey video game “bleed.”
9. Tell her about a problem you’re having with your boss. Begin with “I’d really like your advice…,” then forget you said that and continue to deconstruct the situation down to its minutiae until you figure out the solution on your own.
10. Talk about the episode of The Dukes of Hazzard that made you want to move to Hazzard County and get a car like the General Lee. Explain how Cooter went on to become a congressman and how his eventual loss to Newt Gingrich was the beginning of the downfall of American politics.
If all else fails, talk about music or golf.
2. Show her your high school yearbook and point out your friends, point out your enemies, point out your enemies who used to be your friends, etc. Describe an incident that took place on a Saturday night long ago and involved a few of the people you’ve mentioned. Refer to them by first name, and act as if she knows them and cares.
3. Explain what MLB, NCAA, NBA, WWF, NHL, NFC, AFC, Navy SEALs, radar, scuba, and NASDAQ stand for.
4. Exhaustively describe your weightlifting history (e.g., “When I was 14, I could only bench the bar—but now I’m huge. I can bench two plates on each side. And I’ve done even better on the decline bench…”).
5. Show her your baseball card collection and describe to her the monetary as well as the spiritual value of a Wade Boggs rookie card. Explain the various functions of the protective plastic sheath and those of other storage options you may someday employ.
6. Tell her a “really funny” story about something that happened to you—one you’ve told her before. As you relate it, pause several times to crack up at your own hilarious insights. Halfway through, go back and start again, telling it in exactly the same way with exactly the same inflections.
7. Pop Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend into the VCR. Keep shouting, “He’s the greatest white man ever to play the game!”
8. Show her how you can make the players on your hockey video game “bleed.”
9. Tell her about a problem you’re having with your boss. Begin with “I’d really like your advice…,” then forget you said that and continue to deconstruct the situation down to its minutiae until you figure out the solution on your own.
10. Talk about the episode of The Dukes of Hazzard that made you want to move to Hazzard County and get a car like the General Lee. Explain how Cooter went on to become a congressman and how his eventual loss to Newt Gingrich was the beginning of the downfall of American politics.
If all else fails, talk about music or golf.
)
