$10 off your cheesecake if you gimmie feedback

MsJess0125

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Aug 20, 2005
Posts
343
Ok, I wrote my first story on Lit. Its got a good score...I personally think the sex scene is a little clunky.

I'd love LOVE some more feedback because I was wanting to make a series of these stories...

here's the link.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=278032
Please help


and if you live in Mobile, AL I will bake you a cheesecake and give u $10 off...


I've resorted to bribing people, please help me
 
Do you mail cheesecake?

MsJess0125 said:
Ok, I wrote my first story on Lit. Its got a good score...I personally think the sex scene is a little clunky.

here's the link.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=278032
Please help

That's a very nice story, well told. Shifting POV in a story is always tricky, but you did it well. You drew both of your protagonists (and Matt) well, making me believe in them and like them. You built his interestest in her very nicely. Altogether, thoroughly likeable, well told.

Definitely continue. If that's your first effort, I'd certainly like to see your next.

Having said that, I agree with you about the sex scene. This story is (as you say) a romance. It's important to the story that they have sex, and it's important to the story that they find sex with one another bonding and affirming. I found the detail of Jake demanding that Rosalind look at him as he entered her the first time persuasive and endearing and sexy. So I'm not saying you should cut it out all together.

However, I think it could be trimmed. Ball by ball coverage of sex is not necessary and not usually very sexy. Less really can be more.

Consider:
Jake's strokes were slow and he pulled his swollen cock away from her hot center before driving it in again, filling her to the brink. Jake continued in this way, his kiss matching his thrusts.

Do you find that more sexy or less sexy than

Jake's strokes were slow and deep and punctuated with kisses.
 
SimonBrooke said:
That's a very nice story, well told. Shifting POV in a story is always tricky, but you did it well. You drew both of your protagonists (and Matt) well, making me believe in them and like them. You built his interestest in her very nicely. Altogether, thoroughly likeable, well told.

Definitely continue. If that's your first effort, I'd certainly like to see your next.

Having said that, I agree with you about the sex scene. This story is (as you say) a romance. It's important to the story that they have sex, and it's important to the story that they find sex with one another bonding and affirming. I found the detail of Jake demanding that Rosalind look at him as he entered her the first time persuasive and endearing and sexy. So I'm not saying you should cut it out all together.

However, I think it could be trimmed. Ball by ball coverage of sex is not necessary and not usually very sexy. Less really can be more.

Consider:


Do you find that more sexy or less sexy than


I'm so flattered that you took the time to read the story and give me some good feedback..

I like to write but writing sex scenes is AGONIZING for me. The choreography and terminology, ugh.

But I have to say I agree with you, I felt like I was yammering on so much about these two that I needed a detailed sex scene.

For the next one, I think I will go with the less is more approach.

thanx again
;-)


I can freeze and ship cheesecakes, yes.
 
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