09 Apr 2001: Staff Development Meetings 1-9

[Weird Harold]

This week's random selection is a three part, nine chapter erotic coupling story.

Staff Development Meetings
by story_time

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=12033
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=12034
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=12253


This week, the story was randomly selected from all stories. Next week, I will apply the random number to only those stories in the top story listing with a score of 4.00 or better.

If anyone wishes to have a story discussed here, see the separate thread for nominating your story. Those stories will be taken on a first come first served basis.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Zen and the Art of the Run-On Sentence, once again polished to perfection. What would be a good way to detect a run-on sentence in your own writings when you're toodling along, caught in the heat of the moment so to speak? I missed run-ons in my own stuff every once in a while (that's all I'll admit to), I'd like to catch them before I send it to the editor, I'd rather she was more aware of the story than the mechanical errors.

Point number two, are run-on sentences ever acceptable in writing? Is there any instances where it would be better to be mechanically incorrect?

The whole Chapter within the story thing. Is there a point to it?

 

[nitengale]

I, too, get tangled up in LONG sentences now and again, but I find I catch them if I go back to my work and read it aloud. Then they usually stand out, loud and clear.

I would think run-on sentences might work if the person using them (in the story) is doing some rapid thinking, if they are in trouble and the thoughts are whirling through their head at a fast clip.

"I stood there horrified wondering why he was still after me all this time, gunning for me wanting me, not letting me go all because I took his girl who really wasn't in love with him anyway especially after she found him with Lucy tangled in the sheets of their...." and so on...

Maybe not a great example.

Anyway, I read this series of stories and wondered what the point of the chapter business was too? Did the author in fact want them there for a purpose, or did he or she not know any other way to break up the story? Did it even need a divisional line?

I also found the character Allison to be a bit confusing. I was led to believe she was an active member of the SDM's, and yet she seems a to be in need of a push at times to even head in the direction of sex, and to simply enjoy the night out. Then at the end of the story she admits ot being a "prude" and that sex for her had become "unappealing." Difficult to get a handle on her real personality here.

I think there has to be more to this story especially in light the author states in the beginnning "this is a story of four special Thurdays and how they changed several marriages forever." I believe we only went through ONE Thursday and I did not see any marriage change yet. So, we are left now wondering if this is an error in writing or is there going to be more?

There are numerous run-ons as KM pointed out which do hamper the read.

I honestly don't plan on persuing any other chapters of this story if they do materialize.

 

[circe!]

I thought it was goodish.

My whole life is one big run-on sentence, so that didn't bother me. I liked the last chapter the best, actually, and kept expecting the guy to reveal himself as some kind of shrink.

The woman's husband came across as an idiot and I guess that was intentional. Allison didn't come across as a rocket scientist, either, but I don't guess she needs to be.

My biggest trivial gripe was the other teacher driving a BMW. Come on! On a teacher's salary? My personal squick was all the alcohol they were consuming; it seemed kind of tackey, but then again, it was pivotal to the plot.

The thing I enjoyed best about the story was Allison being forced to stop being so wishy-washy about her turn-ons. It seemed that the guy was determined to jar her out of her hypocrisy. I also understood the motivation behind her fantasy of a man just doing whatever he pleased w/ her. It can be a relief to turn over control.

MHO,
circe!

 

[christo]

There was a thread not too long ago asking what readers preferred-- one long story or several smaller chapters. This story sort of took that question to an extreme, as a story that probably could have been presented by itself was chopped up into 9 chapters. I don't know why, it disturbed the continuity of the story, and the different chapters didn't really show changes in location, character, or tone.

I think run-on sentences can be used in much the way nitengale describes, to show a rush of thoughts or action that is better served by showing it as a long disjointed flow of words. That's the thing, tho, if you just keep a sentence going and going and going the reader can "run out of breath", you keep waiting for the sentence to end, and if it doesn't it can become really uncomfortable to read.

I think a good way to avoid run-ons and other structural problems like that is to read your stuff aloud, to hear the words. Does anyone else do that? I always read everything I write out loud, tho with the stuff I put up here I try not to do that in, say, my local library. Want to stay out of jail.

 

[Blackbich]

I don't know if, as a new writer, I have the qualifications to post to this. If I step on any toes, I pray someone will let me know! As an 'author' who'd LOVE to get this kind of feedback, I thought it only right if I reciprocate.

Enough babbling.

I think I'm still confused by this story.

I won't reiterate the run-on sentence issue again. It could have been worse though. I didn't notice a lot of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors (of course, I did read it after 8 hours at a computer screen at work!).

Like nitengale, I found Allison to be VERY confusing. She's a prude but she messes around on her husband. She doesn't like sex with her husband but she loves sex. She's inhibited but she has sex with strangers. She's fighting with herself for thinking what she was thinking about Stan BUT her friend says a couple of words and she's off to the races. Allison's character should have been rounded out a little more, IMHO, without so many contradictions. I LOVED that she was forced to come clean at the end of the story about her true feelings.

There's no follow through with the marriage situation as promised at the beginning of the story.

With a couple of changes, I think this would be a really good story.
Just MHO

[Edited by Blackbich on 04-13-2001 at 06:44 PM]

 

[Weird Harold]

I don't know if, as a new writer, I have the qualifications to post to this.

If you're breathing and have something relevant to say, then you're qualified. This discussion circle is nominally for the benefit of the authors whose stories are selected. In practice, it's for anyone who is interested in learning more about writing by disecting stories to see what works and doesn't work.

There's no follow through with the marriage situation as promised at the beginning of the story.

With a couple of changes, I think this would be a really good story.

I should point out that this is apparently a work-in-progress, as the third part ("chapter nine") was posted on the day I selected the story.

I didn't really notice the run-on sentences as being detrimental to the story. Story_Time is much less of an offender in this regard than many authors.

The thing that bothered me the most about this story was the very short "chapters." I think that three asterisks (an alternate form of ellipsis would have served as well to show the break in minute by minute narration.)

I think I would have divided this story into two or maybe three chapters. The breaks between segments (the parts the story was submitted in) seemed more where the author stopped writing for the day than planned breaks in the story.

Since others have mentioned the chapter breaks, what suggestions can be made for how to choose whether a shift in scene deserves and ellipsis, a chapter break, or an episode break?

 

[nitengale]

I insert some sort of time break if there has been a major time change...Many hours or days go by. I'm not sure of the rules though to be honest, so I would benefit here too.

 

[story_time]

The Last To Know

I think I know what it's like to be the last guy to find out his wife is sleeping around. While I realized people would read my stories, I never considered that they would be critiqued in an open forum. Imagine my surprise finding out my story was being picked apart. I realize this is constructive criticism but I still felt violated in some way, initially.

After overcoming my initial shock, I went back and actually read what you all had to say. Thank you all for your considered thoughts. However, my own insecurity forces me to address some of the faults in this story (all of which I agree with, by the way).

Allison was conceived as a pliable “anywoman” I could place in different sexual settings. The same applies to the character of Randi. I designed them to be somewhat contradictory, inconsistent and confused for dramatic purposes. However, it is taking me a while to make these characters believable.

This series is one of two first efforts at erotic literature and my first creative writing in five years. Looking back, the chapter breaks were more demarcations of periods of writing rather than useful for the reader.

Last, this series and the Discover Allison series are rants in which I had no specific objective or destination when I wrote them. I just needed to get back into the habit of writing before taking it too seriously. At a later date, I plan to reincorporate some of the features into a more professional attempt.

p.s. You will note that I have attempted to limit run-on sentences in this reply.

 

[nitengale]

Re: The Last To Know

I think I know what it's like to be the last guy to find out his wife is sleeping around. While I realized people would read my stories, I never considered that they would be critiqued in an open forum. Imagine my surprise finding out my story was being picked apart. I realize this is constructive criticism but I still felt violated in some way, initially.

story_time...I can not speak for the moderators of this discussion circle, but I honestly thought permission from the writer was obtained before we began the discussion / dissection of each story.

I am sorry that you feel violated.

 

[story_time]

Not that violated...

Actually it was more panic. I am just really unhappy with this storyline now that I see where it is going. It was just hard feeling like I was being judged on work that is less than I would hope.

However, the criticism is valid and, in all honesty, it is probably a great case study for writers to learn from, including me. So, while I was shocked, I do now appreciate the feedback.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: The Last To Know

I think I know what it's like to be the last guy to find out his wife is sleeping around. While I realized people would read my stories, I never considered that they would be critiqued in an open forum. Imagine my surprise finding out my story was being picked apart. I realize this is constructive criticism but I still felt violated in some way, initially.

story_time...I can not speak for the moderators of this discussion circle, but I honestly thought permission from the writer was obtained before we began the discussion / dissection of each story.

I am sorry that you feel violated.

The author of each story selected is notified when the story is selected -- when there is an e-mail address available. Unfortunately, Story_time doesn't have an e-mail address available on his author's page so I could notify him.

 

[DarlingBri]

Bummer

I'm really bummed about this story

It was going so well. The setup was great. The intro bit before the first chapter was really good. It hinted at events that would actually change the characters (how refreshing) and their marriages. It gave details with a naturalism that made it seem so plausible. The details about the acronym of the meetings and how it developed to have two meanings rang true to me and made me identify. It sounded like something that would happen with me and my girlfriends, a natural in joke.

As a reader, my buy in had been solicited and given. I was ready to be intrigued, and ready to see what happened.

And then this happened:

Allison shrugged her shoulders, sending Randi into a terror. He turned of the water, stormed out of the bathroom and took just long in enough to throw on some shorts and a tshirt and shout Fuck You before slamming the door and leaving. The phone rang just as the door shut.”

You can't send someone onto a terror. "Took just long in enough"? If he shouts "Fuck you," it needs some quote marks and just the one cap. And what's up with the stray quote mark at the paragraph's end?

Bummer, bummer, bummer. The setup was so good. I loved the idea of the four meetings and tale with real development, and real cause and effect for the characters.

Very personally, as a reader (and a picky one, I know, sorry), the mechanical problems that quickly became evident in the telling of the tale made me lose confidence in the author and interest in the story. I gave up on page one.

A good volunteer editor could have rescued this, and that's the biggest bummer.

Sorry, story_time. You really had me with you at the start. On a more positive note, though, the first eight paragrpahs show that you really CAN do it. You can setup and tell a good story, that much is obvious.

[Edited by DarlingBri on 04-16-2001 at 11:14 AM]

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

Rather than echo any other reviewer, I will just mention that the author does not seem to be acquainted with the question mark. Most of the characters questions lack them. example:

“Who said I was your bait,” Allison asked, “and why don’t you get your own drinks.

I know KillerMuffin wouldn't let me get away with that when she edited my first story. (kiss KM!)