08·March·2006 · "Flow" · Sabina_Tolchovsky

[The Poets]

Flow

Everything moves,
even slow particles

of stone poetry
set concrete whole.

This intelligent design,
no matter the arrogance
protons repel neutrons
of thought derived

from speaking fluid mathematics
chemical and easy
a language constant and true.

Creation of stars
in clinical chambers

layered between gates
and transistors

the power of gods
held in silicone hands.

Arsenic breathes
a regurgitated knowledge
for the consuming masses.

I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am everything.​

 

[champagne1982]

Flow

Everything moves,
even slow particles

of stone poetry
set concrete whole.

This intelligent design,
no matter the arrogance
protons repel neutrons
of thought derived

from speaking fluid mathematics
chemical and easy
a language constant and true.

Creation of stars
in clinical chambers

layered between gates
and transistors

the power of gods
held in silicone hands.

Arsenic breathes
a regurgitated knowledge
for the consuming masses.

I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am everything.​

Good morning. This is a fine poem. It's a good choice for the discussion circle since I think you've left some room for improvement in it, not that I can find anything to change.

On first reading, naming the elements silicone and arsenic seems out of voice. You're so nonspecific when you speak of mathematics and chemistry and yet, when you bring in artificial intelligence, it's like reading a chemical notation. It alienates me from the humanity of trying to find a reason for being, which may be exactly where you want to take us.

But, what does this mean?

Arsenic breathes
a regurgitated knowledge
for the consuming masses.​

I've been trying to understand how arsenic ties in with knowledge and I'm feeling I've missed something.
You've painted an impressionistic poem of intelligent design and I could look at it all day. Thanks Sabina.

Please remember my thoughts are simply ideas you are welcome to use or discard as you see fit.

 

[flyguy69]

Even a blind watchmaker can see the merit in this poem!

I'll be back with more comment later.

 

[Tzara]

Aw, hell, Sabina. I wanted to write a semiconductor poem. But yours is better than mine could be. I can P such a boron dope.

Anyways, I quite like this. I need to think about it more before I comment.

Should it be "silicon" instead of "silicone"?

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

Aw, hell, Sabina. I wanted to write a semiconductor poem. But yours is better than mine could be. I can P such a boron dope.

Anyways, I quite like this. I need to think about it more before I comment.

Should it be "silicon" instead of "silicone"?

yes, yes...it should be <curse my damn scotch fingers> and you got it perfectly, Lol at the P boron dope reference. Bravo, somehow I knew you would get it...

 

[champagne1982]

Aw, hell, Sabina. I wanted to write a semiconductor poem. But yours is better than mine could be. I can P such a boron dope.

Anyways, I quite like this. I need to think about it more before I comment.

Should it be "silicon" instead of "silicone"?

I picked up on this spelling as well, when I went to dictionary.com, I learned that either silicone or silicon are acceptable spelling variants. whichever you see fit will fit.

 

[Reltne]

Flow

Everything moves,
even slow particles

of stone poetry
set concrete whole.

This intelligent design,
no matter the arrogance
protons repel neutrons
of thought derived

from speaking fluid mathematics
chemical and easy
a language constant and true.

Creation of stars
in clinical chambers

layered between gates
and transistors

the power of gods
held in silicone hands.

Arsenic breathes
a regurgitated knowledge
for the consuming masses.

I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am everything.​

I enjoyed this poem as has everyone else. Beyond what has been said (and I agree with almost all of it), I would think about the necessity of "slow" in the second line. I also wonder about the blatancy of "This intelligent design" to start the third stanza. It is liable to antagonize a portion of your audience. Perhaps you could make the point more subtlely? Again in this stanza, do protons "repel" neutrons? I thought neutrons were not repelled by neither protons nor electrons? Isn't that why they got their name? And isn't the mass (maybe you could play with the religious/physics meanings of that word) of a neutron equal to the combined mass of a proton and electron minus a little energy?

Finally I am a little unsure of your ending. Who are you that you are nothing and everything, Buddha, Gaia, the Cosmos?

 

[clutching_calliope]

Very beautiful

.....

 

[Tathagata]

I can only assume that arsenic has something to do with the creation of chips semi conductors et al.
a little death to create artificial life as it were

Otherwise it is sterile, exact, methodical which mirrors the subject perfectly

the last 3 lines, if understood, blow it all away in a delightful booom
excellent job.

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

Thanks to everyone for the comments so far...everyone has been so great helping me improve my poetry over the course of my involvement at Lit...
You all have encouraged me so much to focus on my writing and submit to other venues. I appreciate each and every one of you more than you will ever know.
Thank you ~Sabina

 

[flyguy69]

Alright, Sabina, I'm going to bend this poem over and spank it, because that is what this forum is all about. Nothing personal. Unless you like being spanked.

This poem struggles to justify its conclusion. The final triolet suggests, to me, both a binary, quantum existence (0, 0, 1) and a spiritual awakening, an evolved sentience. That's damn good. But leading up to it are abstractions like "neutrons of thought" and "fluid mathematics[,] chemical and easy...." They hurt the poem by acting pompous. Even "the power of gods" sounds pretentious, despite the fact that you are describing the bestowment of awareness.

A related problem is the arcane nature of the subject. This is very important because it is not the same thing as simply being a complex poem-- this poem requires familiarity with an industrial process, not just hard thought. Ted Kooser recommends that poets imagine a member of their audience as they write-- how many people would fit your demographic? I think the whole poem would be improved if you stuck to simpler descriptions of semiconductor fabrication. Give a tour to the local Chamber of Commerce; let them see how gallium and silicon become thought.

The outset of the poem employs a tautology that does nothing to grab readers. By setting it into a couplet the redundency is simply reinforced. Frankly, the first four lines do little for me-- unless you are going to come back to "stone poetry" as elementary particles, I think you could dispense with them entirely.

Finally, the inconsistent grammar is a weakness: the first four lines are a sentance, the next seven are a fragment, the next six are a fragment, then a sentance, then three (declaritive) sentances. My personal preference is for sentances, but would rather that the poem were consistent in either case.

There you have it-- a pink-bottomed poem! I believe this one is worth the effort of revision because the image of "intelligent" chips is wonderful. Good luck!

Flow

Everything moves,
even slow particles

of stone poetry
set concrete whole.

This intelligent design,
no matter the arrogance
protons repel neutrons
of thought derived

from speaking fluid mathematics
chemical and easy
a language constant and true.

Creation of stars
in clinical chambers

layered between gates
and transistors

the power of gods
held in silicone hands.

Arsenic breathes
a regurgitated knowledge
for the consuming masses.

I am nothing.
I am nothing.
I am everything.​

 

[Sabina_Tolchovsky]

Alright, Sabina, I'm going to bend this poem over and spank it, because that is what this forum is all about. Nothing personal. Unless you like being spanked.

This poem struggles to justify its conclusion. The final triolet suggests, to me, both a binary, quantum existence (0, 0, 1) and a spiritual awakening, an evolved sentience. That's damn good. But leading up to it are abstractions like "neutrons of thought" and "fluid mathematics[,] chemical and easy...." They hurt the poem by acting pompous. Even "the power of gods" sounds pretentious, despite the fact that you are describing the bestowment of awareness.

A related problem is the arcane nature of the subject. This is very important because it is not the same thing as simply being a complex poem-- this poem requires familiarity with an industrial process, not just hard thought. Ted Kooser recommends that poets imagine a member of their audience as they write-- how many people would fit your demographic? I think the whole poem would be improved if you stuck to simpler descriptions of semiconductor fabrication. Give a tour to the local Chamber of Commerce; let them see how gallium and silicon become thought.

The outset of the poem employs a tautology that does nothing to grab readers. By setting it into a couplet the redundency is simply reinforced. Frankly, the first four lines do little for me-- unless you are going to come back to "stone poetry" as elementary particles, I think you could dispense with them entirely.

Finally, the inconsistent grammar is a weakness: the first four lines are a sentance, the next seven are a fragment, the next six are a fragment, then a sentance, then three (declaritive) sentances. My personal preference is for sentances, but would rather that the poem were consistent in either case.

There you have it-- a pink-bottomed poem! I believe this one is worth the effort of revision because the image of "intelligent" chips is wonderful. Good luck!

I have read this three times and feel like I need a post coital smoke
<sigh...I don't smoke anymore> thank you...You, can dissect my poetry any time honey