07 May 2001: Postcard From San Juan by NCMVoyeur

[Weird Harold]

Randomly selected from all stories on the board, this weeks selection is in the Romance Category.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8813
Postcard from San Juan
by NCMVoyeur

 

[PAUL C]

I didn't know what to think at first. It didn't immeadiately hold me but I warmed to it as I read on.

The climax, when it came, was slightly unexpected but good.

All in all a gentle, well written story with a nice little twist at the very end with the post card.

I enjoyed it.

 

[nitengale]

niten's thoughts...

“Postcard from San Juan” is a well-written romantic story that follows a couple on the first few days of their honeymoon. I love the backdrop of the story and the role Mike assumes as the “warrior” when he and Rosa make love in the old fortress. The sexual encounter is quick and raw, yet perfect for the setting.

The postcard theme at the end adds charm to the tale.

Kudos!!

 

[Sonia_de_Beaumanoir]

Editing would have helped

My preference is for stories which have a setting and character development as well as just the sex parts, so in this respect this story was right up my alley. However, the English teacher in me was continually stopping to put red marks on the paper where there were technical errors.

Some examples:

1) Many places where single quotes were used instead of double.

2) Italicized foreign words in quotes as well.

3) Excessive use of ellipses, and the often two dots rather than three.

4) Tiny fragments as sentences. E.g., His, no less.

5) The rest had done them well. Sounds like they were cooked rather than rested. Replace well with good.

6) Not starting a new paragraph with a change of speaker. E.g., "Easy there, guy," Rosa chided him. "Hey, we're tourists," he said. "Well, OK," she relented, kissing him on the cheek.

So I think some re-reading and perhaps editor help before submission would have helped a lot.

WH, please let me know if these threads are not the proper place for this type of feedback.

 

[Lynn]

Choices.

Very nice imagery with the fort, I could see the fort, alright I have been there, but I could still see it. I needed more about the characters themselves. Who are they, what do they look like, the whole virginal like the dress thing was good but just left there. So too was the plane ride, not enough specifics. I liked the reality of the wedding night to a certain extent.

I forgave the bad grammer, word structure problems that were already discussed here.

Mostly, though, since critique is not CRITICISM, I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed the last few lines of the story the most. The walk forward bit was just so artistic and creative.

--I hope this helps, and I hope this is what the discussion circle here is for.

Can we discuss something I found interesting in this story?

I enjoy ALMOST ALL kinds of stories here, sometimes even the nastier the better. But I almost felt offended (strong word, sorry) by the language in this story. It started and mostly was so innocent and so soothing, that the first swear word upon waking in the morning sort of struck me as odd, and the word "FUCK" and "COCK" just took me out of the story as well. Funny don't you think?

Anyone else weant to discuss the use of words in this story.?

Talk with you later,
Lynn.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

A few comments

I didn't even know this portion of the Board existed until I got the e-mail saying my story was due to be discussed. I've only been on the Feedback and Author's Boards. I was active here around February/early March, then disappeared for a bit. Is this new?

First off, thanks to those who have commented.

Second, to the moderators. The e-mail notification saying my story was next came early on Saturday morning. Within a few hours, the first comments were already posted to the Board. If the purpose of the e-mail is give the author a chance to object in advance, you might wish to put more time between the e-mail and the time the story is noticed to the Board. (Personally, I have/had no objection, as I regularly participate in feedback discussions, but I can imagine someone else getting a bit distressed.)

Third, the random number generator is, alas, too random. "Postcard" is probably the last of my 5 stories I'd have suggested (it rests right between two "E" selections. Errrgggghh) Oh, well. Given that the feedback has, overall, a positive tone, I guess I'm pleased.

Fourth, and onto more substantive discussion. Lynn's comment is quite intriguing (and laughingly ironic, given that the day prior I'd given essentially the same feedback--that the 'coarse' language didn't fit in context--to another writer here). Which raises the question: how much 'pressure' may we be feeling as writers to 'turn up the heat' by adding the more graphic terms, rather than letting the context alone create the eroticism?

 

[spelbynder]

great story

I agree that the "shit" wasn't necessary, nor the "cock", but the "fuck me" was perfect. How exciting that after preserving her maidenhead for her husband, she proves that she is no prude! In fact, the "fuck me" in the middle of all that sweetness seems just the right amount of spice.
Well done!

 

[nitengale]

???

I agree that the "shit" wasn't necessary, nor the "cock", but the "fuck me" was perfect. How exciting that after preserving her maidenhead for her husband, she proves that she is no prude! In fact, the "fuck me" in the middle of all that sweetness seems just the right amount of spice.
Well done!

The word "shit" is worthy of notation??

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Choices.

Very nice imagery with the fort, I could see the fort, alright I have been there, but I could still see it. I needed more about the characters themselves.

I forgot to mention, in case people are having trouble visualizing. The fort was used in Steven Spielberg's movie "Amistad" as the notorious slave-holding location which gets blown up near the movie's end.

OK, here's a question for the readers. I intended the fort to serve as a metaphor for Rosa's virginity. Was this discernible? Or, conversely, was "their long hot canon shafts aimed at the impregnable walls of the fort,
spewing fire and canon shot . . the frantic cries of the defenders . . soldiers and equipment moving back and forth . . the crescendo of battle" so obviously phallic as to be trite?

I debated with myself a long while writing. When you're so close to the story it seems to 'leap off the page.'

 

[nitengale]

niten again...

Okay, okay I have to admit that I have wondered if I add a few more hard cocks, sloshing wet pussies, and few more hard and fast thrusts, if I might get more attention (from the readers). When I look at how my stories have done in regards to the number of times voted on, and the scores, the raunchier ones did out number the not so raunchy.

When I write, I attempt (I’m still learning mind you) to live through the characters. Are they in a story that I need to be more descriptive about their sexual encounters, or can I squeak by with something less suggestive? I personally think less is more, but I do feel sometimes that unless they characters get really down and dirty (thru me), something is lost in the overall picture. The sex has to have some purpose. It has to reveal something to the reader about the characters.

So yes, I have felt like I should “turn up the heat” and I have. Has it gone over well? Not always. But writing “good sex” takes practice. I’m learning.

 

[nitengale]

Re: Re: Choices.

OK, here's a question for the readers. I intended the fort to serve as a metaphor for Rosa's virginity. Was this discernible? Or, conversely, was "their long hot canon shafts aimed at the impregnable walls of the fort,
spewing fire and canon shot . . the frantic cries of the defenders . . soldiers and equipment moving back and forth . . the crescendo of battle" so obviously phallic as to be trite?

I debated with myself a long while writing. When you're so close to the story it seems to 'leap off the page.'

I thought the description of the fort added, although it was an obvious metaphor. It adds to the feeling of tension...

I liked this passage better...

"It jutted out at a right angle to the gate then met up with the outer stone wall of the old city, forming a "V" which was sheltered and distant from the pathway. The near moonless night made the corner seem remote, mysterious, cloaked in darkness."

The description of the corner specifically...I found something in this I liked

 

[Weird Harold]

Spelbynder clicked the wrong link

From Spelbynder's inadvertant thread:
---
<>

Not necessarily, it just seemed a little out of place, given the language used up to that point. I probably would have waited on the profanity till the point where she said, "fuck me", for the added contrast and shock value (not implying that any of you would be shocked by the word "fuck").
But then, I tend to be much more subtle than many writers of erotica.

<<. I intended the fort to serve as a metaphor for Rosa's virginity. Was this discernible? >>
Not to me, but I'm a lesbian and don't think in terms of long, hot cannons. Now that you mention it, though, how clever!! I can see it now.

<>
I feel exactly the same. I've been told that some of my writing isn't erotica at all. The editor's forum has an essay of mine that has garnered blank and puzzled looks from some readers in RL, but others consider my stuff incredibly hot. I guess it depends on your audience. My audience (offline) is mostly intellectual, free-thinking women and they love my writing.
Unfortunately, you can't target a certain audience at literotica, and I've seen many discouraged and downhearted authors in my short time here because the porn-surfers voted down a wonderful story.
I wonder if there should be a category for psychological/intellectual erotica? The folks who want explicit sex scenes could just skip over that category. Personally, I'm hungry for some subtlety and abstract imagery.
__________________
Spelbynder

 

[Ulyssa]

Got the nicest Postcard

Okay, okay I have to admit that I have wondered if I add a few more hard cocks, sloshing wet pussies, and few more hard and fast thrusts, if I might get more attention (from the readers). When I look at how my stories have done in regards to the number of times voted on, and the scores, the raunchier ones did out number the not so raunchy.

The sex has to have some purpose. It has to reveal something to the reader about the characters.

I too concur with Nitengale---it's an atmosphere which pervades this site, I think---I didn't have any problem with the words--although I can understand those who might. NCmVoyeur has a distinct knack for the enfolding me into the romantic side of "heavy sex," but I concur that the whispered "Fuck me" may have been shocking and unexpected to some. However, it worked for me. I try to go out of my way not to have my people talk like that during sex--but damn it-- sometimes the wrong words are the right words!

As far as grammatical errors go--please be aware that some of us who grew up prior to the PC screen cannot always see the fault unless it's printed out on hard copy. But the nature of the site doesn't always allow us to do that. It's a generational gap thing--"Us still hunt sabretooth with sharp stone ax..." Sorry got carried away. Enjoyed the read NCm!

[Edited by Ulyssa on 05-10-2001 at 11:22 AM]

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Spelbynder clicked the wrong link

From Spelbynder's inadvertant thread:
---
<>

Boy, if you miss that first line (as I did), the post becomes very strange in a hurry. For a moment, I was struggling to contemplate the idea of "Weird Harold" as a lesbian.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Got the nicest Postcard

[BAs far as grammatical errors go--please be aware that some of us who grew up prior to the PC screen cannot always see the fault unless it's printed out on hard copy. But the nature of the site doesn't always allow us to do that. It's a generational gap thing--"Us still hunt sabretooth with sharp stone ax..." Sorry got carried away. Enjoyed the read NCm![/B]

I have to blush at the grammatical errors. No excuse. I should (and do) know better.

Two observations: 1) I think part of the problem is that in the PC/e-mail/e-bulletin-board days I'm now just writing a LOT more than I used to do. With that comes a bit of a sense of urgency to 'get it done.' I have a tendency to concentrate on the substance of what I'm saying, and perhaps the mechanics of writing are getting short shrift.

2) It's difficult to proof-read one's own work. My mind has a tendency to 'see' what I think is there or meant to be there; not what is actually there. My first four stories I wrote before getting to Literotica. I didn't have a good 'editor' to run stories by first.

3) I see no reason for any hard-and-fast rule against sentence fragments or ellipses. Though I will admit to the tendency to abuse them.

As to fragments, one guide writes:

"There are occasions when a sentence fragment can be stylistically effective, exactly what you want and no more.
Harrison Ford has said he would be more than willing to take on another Indiana Jones project. In a New York minute.
As long as you are clearly in control of the situation, this is permissible, but the freedom to exercise this stylistic license depends on the circumstances."

http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/fragments.htm

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: Re: Re: Choices.

I liked this passage better...

"It jutted out at a right angle to the gate then met up with the outer stone wall of the old city, forming a "V" which was sheltered and distant from the pathway. The near moonless night made the corner seem remote, mysterious, cloaked in darkness."

The description of the corner specifically...I found something in this I liked

I actually had not considered how the 'V' shape is suggestive of a woman's parted legs. I was working off memory and some site sketches of the fort in trying to come up with the 'location.' Given the fort/virginity connection I was trying to make, it fits. Very Freudian (or something).

 

[nitengale]

understanding WH

[/B]

Boy, if you miss that first line (as I did), the post becomes very strange in a hurry. For a moment, I was struggling to contemplate the idea of "Weird Harold" as a lesbian. [/B]

Which is no doubt how he got the "weird" in front of his name??

 

[Lynn]

I am not suggesting that the language is, was bad, just that the placement of it in this particular story didn't ring true. Almost as if it was put there because - heck them perverts might like it. The story was very nicely done grammer aside and the bumps in the road with some of the phrases just seems to ring false.

 

[spelbynder]

yeah, what she said

1. Sorry for clicking the wrong link, Wierd Harold--and I see that my quotes didn't show up either--I'm noo, sumbudy help meeeee.

2. I was trying to say what Lynn said. Thanks, Lynn.

3. The last part was in reply to nitengale's comment about "less is more".

 

[nitengale]

I am not suggesting that the language is, was bad, just that the placement of it in this particular story didn't ring true. Almost as if it was put there because - heck them perverts might like it. The story was very nicely done grammer aside and the bumps in the road with some of the phrases just seems to ring false.

"Them perverts"?? You can't be suggesting? Nahhh...