04·Feb·2007 · "January '07" · unapologetic

[Lauren Hynde]

January '07

I see a blizzard.
Streets and sidewalks
Covered by think blankets.
Pine branches droop under
Heavy, white loads.
A Rockwell winter comes to life.
I shiver, deliciously,
Aquiver with anticipation
Of stinging cheeks
From stolen moments outside.
And inside?
Steaming, chocolate salvation.

Outside my window,
The few remaining pathetic patches of snow
Mock the winter of my imagination.​

Notes by the author:

This piece started out as my response to a challenge from vampiredust, View from your window (https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=494703), but morphed into this during my weekly poetry appointment with myself. Please feel free to tear it to shreads and help me with all aspects of this piece. What do you think about my choice of topic? What about my words? I want the poem to flow in the first stanza, but kind of feel stagnant in the second - that's what last month felt like as I looked out my office window.

Thanks!

 

[vampiredust]

unapologetic,

this has a good, wintry atmosphere but the poem needs to be honed a little:

1) I would put a strophe at the end of the third line to help the rhythm and change droop to drooping in the fourth line

2) In the 3rd line, did you mean to say thick blankets instead of think blankets?

3) I'm confused by the end

Why is the snow pathetic now? I was a little confused by that since that hadn't been said anywhere in the poem before

 

[mjl2010]

Imagine

I like the way the poem encourages imagination of a blizzard. I often think of some of the same things. I love snow, I love blizzards.

I wouldn't change droop to drooping like Vampiredust, it just doesn't flow for me like that.

I think you expressed perfectly what you were imagining in the blizzard. The landscape changed by the new snow falling. How your cheeks reacted to the cold and stinging of the air. And too how you could come inside to hot chocolate and warm up. This is what I thought when I read it.

Then you look out the window and see what really is to be had for winter. A few patches of snow, probably melting away. I feel the disappointment. I wouldn't change a word.

MJL

 

[SxRx]

Lauren:

I enjoyed the poem imagery, but was also a bit stumped by the ending when I first read it. It seems your opening line "I see a blizzard" implies really seeing a blizzard. Your ending clarifies that you were "imagining" it more.

Maybe your first line could have included something akin to "In my mind's eye I see a blizzard", or "Is that a blizzard I see?" to hint more of your imagination at work that's nicely done in the body of the poem as you are anticipating all the "delicious" attributes of a heavy snow fall and stinging cold.

Also, I agree with vampiredust that changing droop to drooping in that line seems to have better word rhythm, though its a small thing.

After all, poetry is the craft of wordsmithing and I think if you hammer a little at your poem it will have a more pleasing poetry shape and style. For developing a sense of, among many things, the flow of your poem, read it aloud. This enlivens the poem and gives you a much better sense of its rhythm and flow.

SxRx

 

[vampiredust]

Lauren:

I enjoyed the poem imagery, but was also a bit stumped by the ending when I first read it. It seems your opening line "I see a blizzard" implies really seeing a blizzard. Your ending clarifies that you were "imagining" it more.

hate to point this out but Lauren didn't write this, unapologetic did

sorry to be a pain in the ass

 

[unapologetic]

Here I am...

I had a couple of assignments due for a class I'm taking, and then a couple of really busy days at the library where I work (we're interviewing people to fill an open position).

Anyway...

unapologetic,

this has a good, wintry atmosphere but the poem needs to be honed a little:

1) I would put a strophe at the end of the third line to help the rhythm and change droop to drooping in the fourth line

2) In the 3rd line, did you mean to say thick blankets instead of think blankets?

3) I'm confused by the end

Why is the snow pathetic now? I was a little confused by that since that hadn't been said anywhere in the poem before

1. Can you tell me what you mean by putting a strophe there? My understanding of that word doesn't quite fit with what I think you're saying.

2. Yes, thick. Kind of like my head.

3. It's the patches that are pathetic, not the snow. Is there some way that I could make that clearer?

Thanks!

 

[mjl2010]

1. Can you tell me what you mean by putting a strophe there? My understanding of that word doesn't quite fit with what I think you're saying.

2. Yes, thick. Kind of like my head.

3. It's the patches that are pathetic, not the snow. Is there some way that I could make that clearer?

Thanks!

Droop is used without an object, drooping is used with an object (like any verb with ing added to the end). Not that it matters so much in poetry I guess. I like droop better here. I guess it's clearer with drooping. I say it out loud and like droop better.

To me, it's clear at the end the blizzard was a fantasy. Also clear that the snow itself is not pathetic, just that only patches are left. Thus "Pathetic Patches." Not Pathetic Snow. "Pathetic patches of snow."

MJL

 

[SxRx]

First Blush

hate to point this out but Lauren didn't write this, unapologetic did

sorry to be a pain in the ass

to vampiredust:

Ahem. Your point is well taken. I should have more carefully viewed the fine print.


to Lauren/unapologetic:


Ahem, read above.



Now, if you can pretend that I directed my post to unapologetic, perhaps we can move on and hopefully my post was helpful in some way, or not. I'll keep writing, submitting and checking in here as time permits.


SxRx

 

[MasterOfX]

My rubel's worth

The only mistake that stands out is in line three: "Covered by think blankets." I'm sure you meant to write thick; however, due to poetic license, you might as well have been making an allusion of some sort, but I didn't seen any obvious signs thereof.

The poem is short and sweet, kind of like Rockwell's paintings, not so much something to really contemplate, more a fixed snapshot in time that reminds one of days like that. I like it, particularly as it directly reflects what happened outside My actual window here at home, a site that wouldn't mock the winter of your imagination in the least.

One can't help but wonder though, this being primarily an erotic writing site, whether there's an undercurrent of suggestion from your heavy, white loads outside, while your salvation is steaming and chocolate, perhaps the two go together? lol I'm a perv and I can make such a connection from the most innocent of statements, so pay my thoughts no mind.

All in all, I must say that I enjoyed it.

One more thing (after the fact), I personally like the way the poem ends, the few pathetic patches waking you from your reverie. It was mentioned in an earlier post that the poem starting with "I see" perhaps doesn't give enough notice that the writer is dreaming; I disagree. Any good dream is difficult to discern from reality until one awakens; therefore, I wouldn't change anything in that regard.

MasterOfX

 

[unapologetic]

Thank you

The only mistake that stands out is in line three: "Covered by think blankets." I'm sure you meant to write thick; however, due to poetic license, you might as well have been making an allusion of some sort, but I didn't seen any obvious signs thereof.

The poem is short and sweet, kind of like Rockwell's paintings, not so much something to really contemplate, more a fixed snapshot in time that reminds one of days like that. I like it, particularly as it directly reflects what happened outside My actual window here at home, a site that wouldn't mock the winter of your imagination in the least.

One can't help but wonder though, this being primarily an erotic writing site, whether there's an undercurrent of suggestion from your heavy, white loads outside, while your salvation is steaming and chocolate, perhaps the two go together? lol I'm a perv and I can make such a connection from the most innocent of statements, so pay my thoughts no mind.

All in all, I must say that I enjoyed it.

One more thing (after the fact), I personally like the way the poem ends, the few pathetic patches waking you from your reverie. It was mentioned in an earlier post that the poem starting with "I see" perhaps doesn't give enough notice that the writer is dreaming; I disagree. Any good dream is difficult to discern from reality until one awakens; therefore, I wouldn't change anything in that regard.

MasterOfX

Think was supposed to be thick.

I normally feel more comfortable in rhyming/form poem land, and I'm never confident with free verse, so, really, thank you for your feedback. (And to SxRx, mjl2010, vampiredust.)

 

[das_risiko]

A Rockwell winter comes to life.

I accidently posted my critique in the wrong forum, so I am posting it again here.

I really loved this line. For me it provides such vivid imagery. Excellent choice of words.

 

[Picodiribibi]

My first critique.
I think you have a good poem here. Some lines are problematic, but, overall, I think your imagery is very effective.

January '07

(1) I see a blizzard.
Streets and sidewalks
Covered by thick blankets.
Pine branches droop under
(5) Heavy, white loads.
A Rockwell winter comes to life.
I shiver, deliciously,
Aquiver with anticipation
Of stinging cheeks
(10) From stolen moments outside.
And inside?
Steaming, chocolate salvation.

Outside my window,
The few remaining pathetic patches of snow
(15) Mock the winter of my imagination.

I group this poem into three parts: lines 1-6, describing what the speaker sees in his mind's eye; lines 7-10, describing the speaker's reaction to his imagined world; and lines 13-15, describing the reality beyond the speaker's conceit. I don't include lines 11-12 because I think they detract from the poem. Lines 7-10 are an effective bridge between imagination and reality; the speaker builds himself up for his fall--the disappointment of the last three lines. The comfort and warmth of the indoors described in lines 11 & 12, a different sort of Rockwellean conceit than the winter wonderland the speaker described in the first 6 lines, is a place close to reality and safe from disappointment. I'd leave these out.

Rhythmically, the first six lines are a little weak and can be improved. The speaker is idealizing the winter: here, between lines 1 & 6, you'll be well-served with a little old-fashioned rhyming.

So, putting it all together, your poem might look something like this:

January '07

I see a blizzard--
Sidewalks and stoops
Under blankets of snow;

Pine branches droop
Under heavy, white loads--
A Rockwell winter, come to life.

I shiver, deliciously aquiver
With thoughts of stinging cheeks
From stolen moments in the snow.

Outside my window
The few, remaining patches melt,
Mocking the winter of my imagination. <<< italics emphasize reality