02 July 2001: Ruby's Interview by Cathyrose

[Weird Harold]

This weeks selection is antoher from the author's nomination thread because the nominations are getting backlogged.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=12295

Ruby's Interview
by Cathyrose

in nominating the story, she says, "I'd like to nominate my story "Ruby's Interview" which I posted a few days ago - its in the 'group sex' category.

"Its my first one, so I need all the feedback I can get, to help me develop as a writer."

She has since posted two other stories.

As always, please reserve discussion until 0800 GMT Mondy 02 July, so the author has time to post an introduction or objection to the discussion of this story.

 

[JUDO]

Balance

CR-

I liked the sex scene in the story very much. The one girl losing herself to lust while her friend tells a story. Well done.

(You could feel this coming)

But...

In the beginning of your story you spent a lot of time getting facts straight. You describe the relationship of the two women, their relationship to their boss, their families.

Ruby's story begins and you spend time with descriptions of the room, clothes...

When the sex begins during the story, the descriptions shorten and by the end of the story, action, description everything is so shortened as to be barely there.

So, my suggestions would be to balance the descriptive passages on re-write. Make certain what comes after the sex is as tantilizing as the sex, but in it's own way.

If you begin with long descriptions, then continue with them throughout.

If you are looking for ways to lengthen descriptions and heighten the reader's experience, then "go for the five senses" more often. Many of your descriptions are involved with what you see. Once in a while, you do talk about taste...

What did it sound like when Paul entered the woman from behind? What did the room feel like? Cold? Hot? Humid? How did Ruby taste? Smell?

Balance your descriptions and the ending of your story won't feel so abrupt.

Nice premise, CR.

- Judo

 

[CathyRose]

Hello Everyone,

This is a belated introduction to 'Ruby's Interview'...

Ruby's Interview was my first attempt at erotic writing. Parts of it seem clumsy now, but nevertheless I am rather fond of it. It reflects aspects of my secret inner life more than anything else I have written.

Please feel free to say whatever you deem fit - I am a toughie and can take it *grin* - also I do find constructive criticism very helpful.

Thank you,

CathyRose

 

[samadhi]

Ruby's Interview
by Cathy Rose

First off, I would like to say that I think this was a very good first erotic story. Particularly, I think the narrator’s voice was casual and believable, and we (the readers) have sufficient background to imagine this, slightly older, slightly frumpy married woman. I realize this story was most likely written for the sole purpose of titillation, and I think the frame has great potential. There is a massive amount of sexual tension in the workplace, and it is really a perfect frame for this kind of escapade.

This biggest issue I have with the story was with the suspension of disbelief; i.e. there is not enough foundation for me to let go of reality enough to enjoy the steamy action. I found myself thinking things like, ‘Would a woman who is uncomfortable talking about her own arousal ACTUALLY masturbate in front of a coworker...no matter how worked up she was? and What kind of job was this, where Ruby wouldn’t even think twice about unbuttoning her blouse during an interview?.

I think these kinds of issues can be solved rather simply by providing a little more background; maybe about Ruby herself, or the job she was interviewing for. Why is she do willing to do this? Maybe she could explain a bit more about her thought process going into the interview? This could also be accomplished by adding a little more depth to the interviewers themselves, perhaps some steamy looks or suggestive questions before the action begins? I had similar feelings regarding the action that developed between Ruby and the narrator. It is a rather big jump to move from telling sexy stories to actually touching one another, and I found it REALLY hard to believe that Sarah would initiate the contact. Maybe the reader could see some subtle flirting between the women, a look here a touch there etc.?

For the most part I enjoyed the steamy bits of this story, although I will say that Ruby exhibits the zero-to-sixty arousal pattern that crops up so often in sexy stories that I find kind of irksome. It seems that she goes from nervous about a job to being on the edge or orgasm rather quickly. I think I would like to see a bit more of a build up...it makes the punch-line so much sweeter when it finally arrives.

I really enjoyed the ending. Ruby’s little quip about ‘Maybe I’ll tell you sometime...’ seems just like the kind of thing her character would say, and was a really cute wrap up to the entire scenario. It left the reader wondering if maybe there would be other Ruby stories, and kept the narrator alive in my mind, imagining her quietly squirming to Ruby’s tall tales as she went on with her filing day after day.

All in all I think the scenario has fantastic potential, and it set me thinking about what kinds of things can happen in the workplace.

 

[Weird Harold]

I realize this story was most likely written for the sole purpose of titillation, and I think the frame has great potential. There is a massive amount of sexual tension in the workplace, and it is really a perfect frame for this kind of escapade....

I really enjoyed the ending. ... It left the reader wondering if maybe there would be other Ruby stories, and kept the narrator alive in my mind, imagining her quietly squirming to Ruby’s tall tales as she went on with her filing day after day.

This comment leads me to ask if this was an effective use of a "framed story" and how could the story have been framed better?

Probably the best known example of "framed" stories is Canterbury Tales, but it is a common device for fleshing out a vignette into a true story. I think this story is a good example of both how it can be used and some of the hazards that can be encountered.

While the use of dialogue to relate the vignette makes it possible to interject "present time" actions by the narrator and Ruby, it also inhibits the use of dialogue within the vignette.

Could a flashback format and more dialogue within the vignette made it more compelling? I think "hearing the actual words and tone of voice" of Ruby's interview would have made me more willing to suspend disbelief about her willingness to disrobe for an interview.

 

[samadhi]

Time Travel

I tend to agree that a flashback format may have allowed greater flexibility with the vignette. Some feel that this format leaves the reader confused, that jumping back and forth through time is disorienting, however I disagree. In this story in particular, the narrator has a very distinct voice. In the flashback, the author could change the voice/tone of the language to be more objective/omniscient. This way, the narrator's voice could even pop in during the vignette to add emphasis and to keep the reader 'rooted' somewhat in the present.

If the author would like to keep the narrative description of the interview, perhaps it could be encorporated into the love scene somewhat...as a deliberate use of foreplay, or even whispered pillow talk. This changes the story a bit however, because it would make Ruby the aggressor in the physical events that transpire, NOT the narrator. I rather like the idea of the restrained matron-type becoming overcome with lust and bursting from her shell...I just think her character would need a bit more development before really 'feeling it' in this case.

 

[p_p_man]

Although I thought it was well written...

...I have to say that there isn't much of a story there.

This is the first time I've posted to this circle and so I'm writing as the title says - "Story Discussion Circle".

I found the piece kept my interest all the way through mainly because it was written well enough to keep from becoming boring. I very much like the characterisation and the relationship described between the two women and that may be the reason I felt vaguely disappointed in the tale as a whole.

It promised greater things than was produced. A fairly mediocre story line without anything really happening did not live up to the promise of the high standard of prose that continued all the way through.

Here I am judging it by my own yardstick that if a story is readable and keeps my continual interest then it is good. The actual writing reached that standard with no problem.

The story line I'm afraid I'd have to turn down.

 

[Laurel]

First off, I would like to say that I think this was a very good first erotic story. Particularly, I think the narrator’s voice was casual and believable, and we (the readers) have sufficient background to imagine this, slightly older, slightly frumpy married woman. I realize this story was most likely written for the sole purpose of titillation, and I think the frame has great potential.

I agree. I really enjoyed the narration. It flowed very naturally. I'm heavy into setting, and the scene is set & characters defined in a very natural, very un-forced way. The writing was top-notch. However, I think it might have worked better, as WH suggested, as a flashback, but I still feel that it's a highly effective story in its current version. It would be interesting if the author were to rewrite it using flashbacks instead of Ruby's words, and then we were to compare the two versions. (No pressure, Cathy! lol) Either way, it's an excellent first piece!

 

[CathyRose]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say that I have been following the discussion with great interest. I have had a fair amount of feedback on Ruby's Interview, from readers, who tend to send statements along the lines of 'Wow, that was really hot...' etc. As I'm sure anybody who has received such feedback will appreciate, it is very flattering, (yes, very!) but doesn't help much in terms of how I can improve as a writer.

Needless to say I am finding everyone's comments here very helpful indeed. Yes, I am considering that re-write. I quite like Ruby and Sarah and have them both 'living in my head' so re-writing it should be fun.

I hope all this makes sense. It's 7am here in the UK - I wanted to post this before I set off for work and my eyes are bleary...

Thank you everyone,

A very grateful Cathy X