❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[AveryElle]

#27 (suggested)

Collars. Leashes. Physical items of ownership.

How do you feel about these ideas/items? What experience do you have? Do they have meaning for you outside of play? What is their meaning during play? Have you used anything other than a collar to symbolize ownership etc?

There are people to whom sex and sexuality are an all encompassing lifestyle. They talk about it all the time, perhaps work in the field in some way, and often think others are like them - or if not, the people not like them are boring (the "vanillas"). When I see this question, I think about sexuality being a 24/7 thing. And, to me, no. I have a career (one that doesn't involve sexuality), family and friends, hobbies that don't involve sex, etc. I think if you ARE the type of person that wants sex/sexuality/kink to be an almost 24/7 thing, then what is posed in the question would likely seem totally normal. Similarly, public Daddy/little play (and to some extend, full time private D/l play).

Bottom line, no. I don't want or need to be owned. I'm my own person and outside of immediate play or sexy talkies, I have other things to do. Probably why the idea of a kink lifestyle or being considered a sub never appealed to me.

Shit, I'll say it. FACETS.

 

[midwestyankee]

#27 (suggested)

Collars. Leashes. Physical items of ownership.

How do you feel about these ideas/items? What experience do you have? Do they have meaning for you outside of play? What is their meaning during play? Have you used anything other than a collar to symbolize ownership etc?

I have not used the term “ownership” explicitly (though “my” and “mine” may have crossed my lips frequently), but have insisted on a collar during play periods. When out in public, a particular necklace (or other piece of jewelry, but a necklace seems quite fitting) can make a suitable substitute so as to maintain a certain level f discretion. The meaning is a personal thing, of course. I like the notion of devotion or dedication as the power behind submission.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

There are people to whom sex and sexuality are an all encompassing lifestyle. They talk about it all the time, perhaps work in the field in some way, and often think others are like them - or if not, the people not like them are boring (the "vanillas"). When I see this question, I think about sexuality being a 24/7 thing...

I find it fascinating how different people's experiences and perspectives can be.

I come from a background in which the D/s aspect of a relationship operates independently of sex, and is not a signifier of who is top or bottom in the bedroom. I happen to prefer to be submissive both in and out of bed, but where i come from, it's not a given.

I like the freedom that i feel to separate D/s from sex, to continue to experience that power dynamic throughout my day, to not be limited to alone time in the bedroom.

Ownership is about more than my lady bits, it's about the whole of me. That's what ownership is, isn't it? It's got nothing to do with my ability to run a household or have a career or be a person of independent thought and action. It's about a connection that underlies and runs throughout everything i do, all day. It exists whether i am thinking about it or not. It exists whether i am actively displaying any kind of submissive behavior (sexual or otherwise) or not. It is a state of being that doesn't require constant demonstration to make it true.

It is a telephone line that is always open. Sometimes the receiver is up, sometimes it is down, but the line is open. Always.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I like the notion of devotion or dedication as the power behind submission.

Yes

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#26
Orgasms!


Orgasm Denial. Forced Orgasms. Ruined Orgasms. Orgasm Owning. There has been lots of talk of orgasms lately (well more than usual). Is there a particular way you like yours during bdsm play? Have you experimented with a certain type of orgasm play that just didn't work for you?

(Confession: PLP has lots of questions about your orgasms but she is being a good girl and not being too nosey.)

Catching up!
I really only have experience with two types of orgasm play -

Orgasm denial - which I personally love. I've experienced it two ways - "No cumming until Saturday" which builds a lovely amount of anticipation and turns me a bit wild by Saturday (or whenever). And the denial of the moment - "Can I cum?" "No you better not cum." That teetering on the ledge and wanting to jump but not being able to leap. If you can hold yourself there for long enough, it's amazing. The longer you are consciously anticipating the please the more aware you are of it.
I'm positive I'm not explaining it well.

Orgasm ownership - this is a sweeter thing, in my opinion and I've been on both sides of that feeling. Having someone want to The One to make you cum and owning every drop of pleasure, literally and metaphorically, is really intoxicating. Like your orgasm, no matter how pleasurable, is infinitely more pleasurable for them. Which is totally true because I feel this way especially during oral sex. His orgasm is my orgasm because I earned it. (gimme! )

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Not on this side of the pond, Bub.

https://www.dailywritingtips.com/inquire-vs-enquire/

Maybe try contribution instead of critique, hmmm?

Thank you for answering because I honestly didn't even understand.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#27 (suggested)

Collars. Leashes. Physical items of ownership.

How do you feel about these ideas/items? What experience do you have? Do they have meaning for you outside of play? What is their meaning during play? Have you used anything other than a collar to symbolize ownership etc?

I agree with the idea that kink shouldn't have to involve innocent bystanders. I agree that I, personally, don't want a 24/7 D/s lifestyle (I'm far too sassy and stubborn for that). I agree with the statement that I don't "really" want to be owned and there are women around the world that actually have to deal with that as a reality. But -

The idea of a collar - of claiming - is one of the best. I've been trying to put it into words. Is it the subservience? yes. And like emotional masochism, it does have a touch of humiliation or degradation to it. But it also has this element of pride from the PYL. "I want you to wear my collar" which seems like a sexy, fucked up, kinky honor. Public claiming has always been something that worked for me on so many levels, even if it's subtle. Probably because I've felt so UNclaimed most of my life.

 

[QuietStrength]

I agree with the idea that kink shouldn't have to involve innocent bystanders. I agree that I, personally, don't want a 24/7 D/s lifestyle (I'm far too sassy and stubborn for that). I agree with the statement that I don't "really" want to be owned and there are women around the world that actually have to deal with that as a reality. But -

The idea of a collar - of claiming - is one of the best. I've been trying to put it into words. Is it the subservience? yes. And like emotional masochism, it does have a touch of humiliation or degradation to it. But it also has this element of pride from the PYL. "I want you to wear my collar" which seems like a sexy, fucked up, kinky honor. Public claiming has always been something that worked for me on so many levels, even if it's subtle. Probably because I've felt so UNclaimed most of my life.

I can absolutely get behind this analysis, miss PLP. I agree whith what you say. I do not think I will ever wear a token of ownership in real life, but the idea is tantlising, and very erotic to me as a fantasy.

love,

-Qs

 

[Eliphaz]

I agree with the idea that kink shouldn't have to involve innocent bystanders. I agree that I, personally, don't want a 24/7 D/s lifestyle (I'm far too sassy and stubborn for that). I agree with the statement that I don't "really" want to be owned and there are women around the world that actually have to deal with that as a reality. But -

The idea of a collar - of claiming - is one of the best. I've been trying to put it into words. Is it the subservience? yes. And like emotional masochism, it does have a touch of humiliation or degradation to it. But it also has this element of pride from the PYL. "I want you to wear my collar" which seems like a sexy, fucked up, kinky honor. Public claiming has always been something that worked for me on so many levels, even if it's subtle. Probably because I've felt so UNclaimed most of my life.

It's nice when there's a community available, where the "bystanders" all signed up for it and your public claiming will be seen and understood, and appreciated.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

I didn't want to bring this up. I'm glad you did.

 

[QuietStrength]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

Interesting point of view. I see what you mean, though I fo not completely agree. I can of course not speak for anyone but myself, but to me a marriage does not mean owning eachother. I do not own my wife. If anything our wedding rimgs signify an equal footing. What is mine is hers and vice versa. A collar, on the other hand, at keast in my view, signifys a difference in power.
Have a great day!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

I think they are comparable I terms of items signifying a form of commitment. But they mean nothing, more or less, than what the parties agree they mean.
This is wherr the importance of communication really comes into play. A 'collar' may mean something different, either drastically or subtly, to me than to him and until we have blatant conversations about what that means exactly, I wouldn't wear one. Assumptions are assholes.

And marriage is a whole other thing with many, many, many more complexities.

 

[base10]

But they mean nothing, more or less, than what the parties agree they mean.

This 100%, what someone means to some can mean something totally different to others. I don't see either as right or wrong.

If two people are happy with what something means to them, why should they are if someone says they are wrong (people will, because people, especially on the internet, are hateful assholes)

 

[AlwaysFara]

I have a family member who is married to one person and has collared another. I’m not comfortable enough to ask the difference. If any. I wish I could, in a clinical way.

 

[AveryElle]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

Are both people wearing collars?
I believe if one wears a wedding ring, the other should to. The difference is a public show of equal commitment. You don’t need marriage for that - but collaring as a public sign of ownership vs public wearing of rings in an equal way is, I think, very different.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Are both people wearing collars?
I believe if one wears a wedding ring, the other should to. The difference is a public show of equal commitment. You don’t need marriage for that - but collaring as a public sign of ownership vs public wearing of rings in an equal way is, I think, very different.

Interesting pov. The idea that both partners should wear a ring is new to me.

I don't think the fact that not all husbands wear rings should automatically signify an inequality of committment. Many men can't wear them for job safety reasons, even if they have them. In my neck of the woods, no one assumes a man is single (or if married, less committed than his wife) if he wears no ring. Rather, the assumption is that most men are married, ring or no.

Alternatively, not all men have rings to begin with. The wife's ring - given and accepted - is enough to symbolize the committment of both parties to the marriage.

 

[AveryElle]

I’d not be ok with my husband expecting me to wear a ring and then go without. Hell, I used to take them off when going to work out and he’d get upset (ended up just getting a simple band and it’s all I wear). He had to remove his when he deployed, and I brought it with me when he came back and he put it on right away.

I think collaring, the arrangement is that you’re expected to wear it. That’s the arrangement. Some men won’t wear a ring, but those guys shouldn’t also expect their partners to wear one.

A ring to me is ‘don’t hit on this person’ where a collar implies something very different. If that’s your thing, great. I couldn’t be in a situation where something like that is expected - but I also don’t participate in servitude (beyond the enormous task of taking care of my home and family and working full time). My ‘sub side’ (what exists of it) is routed elsewhere than ownership or displays of.

 

[Mei5ter]

Tiny hijack or diversion maybe?

How would you say a collar difers from a wedding ring in terms of symbolism?
Why would one be acceptable and the other not in light of the above discussion?
Wedding rings were/are symbolic of ownership as well.

Also do they then carry similar weight?

I find this fascinating so I’ll just listen more for now.

I quite like the idea of a wedding collar but I’m not sure I could afford big enough diamonds...

Slightly more seriously, a collar is actually a two way expression of a relationship. Someone It’s more explicit if there’s a leash attached with someone holding it, but it’s still there if not.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I quite like the idea of a wedding collar but I’m not sure I could afford big enough diamonds...

Slightly more seriously, a collar is actually a two way expression of a relationship. Someone It’s more explicit if there’s a leash attached with someone holding it, but it’s still there if not.

It’s two way, but it’s not equal. Only one person is collared.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I’d not be ok with my husband expecting me to wear a ring and then go without. Hell, I used to take them off when going to work out and he’d get upset (ended up just getting a simple band and it’s all I wear). He had to remove his when he deployed, and I brought it with me when he came back and he put it on right away.

I think collaring, the arrangement is that you’re expected to wear it. That’s the arrangement. Some men won’t wear a ring, but those guys shouldn’t also expect their partners to wear one.

A ring to me is ‘don’t hit on this person’ where a collar implies something very different. If that’s your thing, great. I couldn’t be in a situation where something like that is expected - but I also don’t participate in servitude (beyond the enormous task of taking care of my home and family and working full time). My ‘sub side’ (what exists of it) is routed elsewhere than ownership or displays of.

I don’t wear my collar and cuffs outside the bedroom. That being said, I wouldn’t let just anyone snap a collar on me. It signifies possession, IMO.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#28

#28 (suggested)

Do you feel like D/s relationships are more intimate that vanilla relationships (on line or off)? Do you feel like they are more intense? Why or why not?

D/s relationships often begin with a lot of talk, negotiations, formality - in your experience have the endings of those relationships been the same? Have your D/s breakups been harder to move past than your more vanilla relationships?

I need some questions! I think we've covered a lot of D/s but all flavors of kink are welcome and let's throw some just plain human sexuality in there too!
plp

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I think D/s relationships on average are more intimate than a vanilla relationship. The way a D/s relationship works normally requires more open communication and the exposure of fear, desires, and insecurities. D/s need that openness to establish boundaries and a secondary effect is that it creates a stronger bond.

Most vanilla relationships have to work toward that level of openness where a D/s can skip to the juicy bits.

It's also really hard not to feel close to someone when they saw you beg for a spanking the night before

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Lol!!

 

[Threadbare42]

I think D/s relationships on average are more intimate than a vanilla relationship. The way a D/s relationship works normally requires more open communication and the exposure of fear, desires, and insecurities. D/s need that openness to establish boundaries and a secondary effect is that it creates a stronger bond.

Most vanilla relationships have to work toward that level of openness where a D/s can skip to the juicy bits.

It's also really hard not to feel close to someone when they saw you beg for a spanking the night before

It amazes me to be honest sometimes how there can be such a big disconnect in some vanilla relationships, especially with straight partners I find. Of course many are very healthy but it seems the friendship aspect of the relationship is all too often neglected. Part of the problem is in culture men and women tend to be segregated socially, and look to the other solely as a romantic conquest, as an "other", rather than identifying the same way friends of the same gender would, sharing fears and insecurities etc. Again there are doubtless some D/s relationship which share these problems too, but in being open about your sexual needs, you're probably likely to me more open with each other in general