“Heavy Lifting” poem by; SA Storm, lovetoread, daughter

[Unmasked Poet]

The Heaviness of Truth -
Submitted by SA Storm (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy Actions -
Submitted by lovetoread (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy -
Submitted by [color=dark blue]daughter[/color](Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02

 

[daughter]

hurts like hell

SA wrote:

and all that we were
was not enough.

Damn, that hurts. So much sting in so few words. This struck a real chord. Good poetry does that.

This time I didn't need the images. The sentiments sent me reeling back to painful times. Good job, SA.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[WickedEve]

lovetoread

I just read Heavy Actions. I bet a lot women--and men--can relate to this poem. I could see the scene as I read it, and I couldn't help laughing at the end.

Good job!

 

[WickedEve]

daughter

You told me that you let your poems sit around for months or a year before they were ready for submission. Why wait so long? This poem is great! You hardly had any time to write it, and it's still great! Why? I want answers!

 

[WickedEve]

SA Storm

Loved the poem, especially this part:

Just components not the elements
no fusion of purpose or passion,
sparks to be sure
but the flicker so quick.

 

[Whispersecret]

The Heaviness of Truth by SA Storm
and all that we were
was not enough.

As daughter said, this is the best part. Well done.

Heavy Actions by lovetoread
Harsh words yelled at the top of his voice
How dare he end this without giving me a choice?

Call me old-fashioned, but when a poem rhymes, I like a regular meter to go with it.

While I like the energy and the idea of this poem, the rhymes are (forgive me!) uninspiring.

Strength flowing through me as never before
I kicked a huge whole through his side door

Should be "hole." Oops!

Using my knife to puncture his tires
This lighter handy to set the small fires

Did she start any fires with the lighter? If not, then why mention the lighter at all, except to make fires rhyme with tires...

Then my mind fills with a hateful vision
Gawd I hope this wont put me in prison

This funny ending is the best part. (Should be "won't.")

Heavy by daughter
Fabulous. I especially like these lines:

...the cds are scattered and we can’t find their cases.

...and I don’t like how I look in this size twelve.

That last line is the perfect, slightly comic beat after the emotion.

 

[TheDR4KE]

daughter

Great poem, but I have a question as to how it fits the guidelines of constructing "a poem addressing the break up or parting of a relationship". I can see the change in the relationship, but that is shared. Maybe if the dining couple had broken up due to the rut of convenience they'd fallen into...?

I'm wondering what you had in mind.

But regardless of topic, it's a very good read. I'm too tired tonight to give proper feedback. Hopefully more next week. And hopefully there won't be too many poems, else I'll have to pick what I comment on

Drake

 

[daughter]

short of a breakup

Drake--

The chord the topic struck for me was when a relationship is in trouble, the possibility of a break up. This poem addresses the rut and fears people have in relationships. Love and desire to maintain the relationship still exists as suggested by getting groceries and resetting the table again.

Ideas and themes sit with me a long time. U.P.'s challenge brought this one to the surface.

Wicked Eve, I posted this to another critique forum, and while others like it, they're quickly telling me what can be improved.
I don't sit on things always. I did write this in one sitting. My point was while I can crank out a draft quickly, it usually takes me several drafts to get it polished, and that can take upwards of a year.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

Peace,

daughter

 

[lovetoread]

Call me old-fashioned, but when a poem rhymes, I like a regular meter to go with it.

Sorry,being a newbie at poems I am learning as I go. Thanks for pointing out the misspelling of hole. I missed it totally.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[REDWAVE]

Heavy, by daughter

Your poem is the most serious and thoughtful, the best crafted, of the "heavy" poems I've read so far, daughter. I appreciate the subtlety, too: it's not about the breakup of the relationship, but rather it's slow deterioration. "Not with a bang, but a whimper . . ."

 

[KillerMuffin]

I am once again agreeing with WS on the rhyme thing. Loveto, the premise was vastly interesting. The whole revenge thing is just my cup of tea. Particularly when it involves a vehicle. The rhyme handicapped you here. It made you use poor word choices and bad phrasing to accomodate it. Some poems are given to rhyme and most are not.

I think that rhythm is far more important than rhyme because you need to give a feel through your poetry and people feel through the rhythm. If you hadn't rhymed perhaps the dysphoric rhythm would have worked to carry some of the feeling of rage and irrational action.

When it got down to it, it seemed a little trite. I think I would have preferred seeing cause and effect couplets. Something where you have her destroying a piece of his car because of some part of their life that he destroyed by breaking up. This is for hurting me! kind of thing. That would have brought more emotion into the poem.

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Heaviness of Truth

I like the last stanza. It wraps up the bits and pieces of the poem and puts a final touch to it all.

It reminds me of the friend I had a casual, physical relationship with. We would have these frank honest talks bout how we felt about one another. This poem almost says exactly how I felt, but the poem could be clearer. Parts of it just doesn't seem right. The honesty is blatant and some can't handle that. Neither could my friend. It was as if the truth was too true and so it wasn't true for him.

Apologetic finality. Understandable, tho this method with its honesty probably hurt the other person if they weren't willing to accept the decision. Thoughts like, "Well if you feel something, then more must be possible..." and the might be dreams continue! Oops, okay, sorry, going off topic.

I sorta connect with this poem. But it doesn't bring out anything strong response wise.

Heavy Actions

Oh god! I am SOOOOOOOOOO rolling with laughter. I love it! All A pluses. Screw it if its not perfect in anyone else's eyes. I think perfection is boring! That's a great poem. Made me laugh out loud and then I had to share it with Non-Lit friends. Love the ending. I like to laugh, can you tell? <winks>

Heavy

I like how the poem was easily visualized. I could see the couple spending time together and eating and etc. Nothing in there really stands out for me. The movement from line to line was an awkward process for me to follow in several places. And the poem was not about "breaking up" with anyone. At least, I did not see that. =( I've read other works by you, Daughter, and I don't feel like this is one of your better ones.

 

[mskittykatt]

Storm,
so many possibilites pass us by, where the place we are in can't be matched with where they are, or the time was so wrong. we carry the pain and loss in the long search for the one that finally fits. all those small losses add up faster then the "great" ones scattered through our lives... thanks for taking me back through some dusty memories.

 

[mskittykatt]

ltr,
been there, never had the balls to do it though, so i especially enjoy reading it. only one question if i may...
where on earth did the rake come from?? <<giggle>>

 

[mskittykatt]

Daughter,
i can see very clearly the stagnant place the couple fell into, and the desire to break free... what i don't see is how that fits into the guidelines for this excercise.
("...Construct a poem addressing the break up or parting of a relationship it can be mean or nasty, poignant or funny...")

completely out of that context, this is one of your poems that i enjoy, and admire the most!

is it perhaps that their relationship will not survive their efforts to revive it? if that is what this was hinting at, it needs to be carried just a step or two farther...

 

[daughter]

life isn't always dramatic

Peers--

I previously stated that this work falls short of an actual breakup. REDWAVE, clearly understood the message and intent here.

it's not about the breakup of the relationship, but rather it's slow deterioration. "Not with a bang, but a whimper . . ."

Drake recognized it as well. He, too, noted that it was not an actual breakup.

Valiyn, if you read my work as a collection certain things become evident. My themes principally revolve around relationships, often particular stages. I rarely go for the dramatic. I think more often, change and trouble brood. Often we are overwhelmed because of denial. I focus on everyday, minor nuances of living.

mskitty, another marker in my work is that I rarely provide concrete resolution. I leave the interpretation of the event with the reader. Poetry is both communication and interaction. My hope is that a reader's own experiences will affect the outcome. Not sure how successful I am with this notion, but it is clearly one I am interested in.

I appreciate all the feedback. It usually takes me awhile for a rewrite. I will let you know.

Thanks.

Peace,

daughter

 

[alice]

Heavy Actions

lovetoread--

Funny. Rhyme is cool, but make it interesting. I'm with WhisperSecret, what's up with the lighter?

alice

 

[alice]

Heavy

daughter,

We read the same poets and you're how I got to this forum. Glad to see you writing again.

alice