“Heavy Lifting” poem by; REDWAVE, tigerjen, Ded Poet

[Unmasked Poet]

Heavy Burdens -
Submitted by REDWAVE(Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy Blow To the Core:4.20.1997 -
Submitted by tigerjen (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy Machine -
Submitted by Ded Poet (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/17/02

 

[REDWAVE]

"The bitch"

Please let me know what you think about my poem "Heavy Burdens" (link above). It's a villanelle, the only one I've ever written. The two signature lines from it are:

I still remember what she said, the bitch
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

Please remember to vote!

 

[daughter]

Shite

RED--

I read and voted. I missed the form. I thought villanelle is 18 lines. I confess I don't know the form that well. Certainly increases my appreciation for it.

My favorite line was about the how the linecurves grew. Nice.

I would have knocked up my vote a notch had I recognized the form. Forgive me.

Peace,

daughter

 

[Whispersecret]

Heavy Burdens by REDWAVE
I still remember what she said, the bitch
Her eyes were of the deepest shade of blue
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

Ah, a villanelle. Damn hard to choose those repeating lines, ain't it? Like writing a poem isn't hard enough without adding the extra pressure of choosing two lines that are SO GOOD that you can repeat them throughout!

Even though I don't think being rich is the ultimate reward of intelligence, I think you made a nice choice of repeating lines. (And daughter, he's got the right number of lines.)

I would argue that you might have done well to make the POV consistent. Otherwise, exactly to whom the last line is directed is unclear. Perhaps this would have worked:

I still remember what you said, you bitch

Smiling about the hot dogs and the itch
And "yes, I cannot say but that it's true"
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

I don't get this stanza at all.

Standing there before me without a stitch
The shadows along her lipcurves grew
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

Is lipcurves a word?

Now navels sprout in season, but only wrench
New scorn from a man who knows he's through
I still remember what she said, the bitch
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

I feel dense. I have no idea what this last stanza said.

Heavy Blow to the Core by tigerjen
5:40 in the dim light of morning
Checked my email because I couldn't sleep
And without foretold warning
A bomb had dropped with a loud peep.

It's difficult for me to accept a bomb dropping with a peep. Too contradictory for my literal self.

Scott typed somber words
That sounded miserable and dim
Saying it was over with
After 3 1/2 years, I thought he was absurd
Until I re-read, he meant it to be grim.

Somber is miserable and dim. I'd have deleted "with." I think you're trying just a little too hard with these rhymes.

Emotional liquid pooled my eyes
Flowed down my face
My mouth opened, screamed "SHIT OH MY!"
And proceeded to bawl out my grief
All over the place.

"Emotional liquid?" Ack. Was "tears" a taboo word? Did you mean to say "Emotional liquid pooled in my eyes?" ?" I can't imagine someone actually saying "oh my."

In the gloomy dawn, my fire died
As this blow struck the core
Of my fragile spirit
But as time passed, again I turned alive
And decided to stand bravely upon solitary floor.

The main problem I had with this poem was that the rhymes were forced. The boundaries of proper usage of words (as in "turned alive") was pushed too far. A simple idea (like crying) was drawn out into a whole unnecessary stanza for the sake of the rhyme.

However, I'm not all negative here. In the last stanza I find a line that resonates for me, "to stand bravely upon solitary floor." This line is on target. I would like to have seen more about her bouncing back. I wish the rest of the poem was as strong as this one image.

Heavy Machine by ded poet
fuck
stupid pride and sweet
love letters
fuck
your terms of endearment
and fetching ways
fuck walls
your silence your lies

fuck
attempts to talk it out
fuck
me for loving you truly blindly mad

deeply fuck me for feeling

fuck anger,
fuck fear.

fuck

a chain of fools,
the dominoe
effect, jealousy
serial monogamy--fuck
the the short and long end of the stick.

I'd have left out almost all of the "fucks" in these stanzas. I'd have saved them for this stanza, where they have much more power.

fuck you for laughing!
fuck your stone
canyon
and phones that do not ring

The word "domino" has an e only in the plural. Why did you separate "domino" and "effect?" You have a double occurence of "the."

The last stanza is the best one, in my opinion. Not sure what a stone canyon is...(her pussy perhaps?) but "phones that do not ring," that's a great line.

I still enjoyed this one. I thought it was strong and concise, even with the extra "fucks."

 

[tigerjen]

thank you, whispersecret!

whispersecret wrote:
The main problem I had with this poem was that the rhymes
were forced. The boundaries of proper usage of words (as in
"turned alive") was pushed too far. A simple idea (like crying)
was drawn out into a whole unnecessary stanza for the sake of the
rhyme.
However, I'm not all negative here. In the last stanza I find a
line that resonates for me, "to stand bravely upon solitary floor."
This line is on target. I would like to have seen more about her
bouncing back. I wish the rest of the poem was as strong as this
one image.


W.S.,
I am glad to get some good/useful feedback from you.....this poem
i had to pull out of my ass.....the night before i was at work on the
overnight shift with my thesaurus looking up diff. words to possibly
use in the poem (in place of the words we couldn't use)...the next
morning I wanted to get it written up.....and this poem just came out
of the blue. I have no idea how it ended up into a rhyming deal, but
it just did......and rhyming in my poems has never happened until
this one. I wanted to try something different. I read your comments,
then re-read my poem again, and I do see some "forced rhyme".......
maybe a suggestion or two how "not to make rhyme forced" would be
terrific for future use, if need be. I am glad to know that you found a
line that stood out for you........originally, it said "to bravely stand...."
but I kept re-reading it and it didn't sound right so I switched around
the words to read "to stand bravely.....".

I thank you for reading!

tigerjen

 

[WickedEve]

tigerjen

Those comments you responded to were from whispersecret, not daughter.
Whispersecret, I say "oh my" (though not "Shit oh my") and "oh my goodness." I'm from a small Southern town, and we say things like that here.
tj, I recognize the name Scott. Don't you have another poem about him? Or maybe you've commented about him before?
I do see what Whispersecret is saying about forced rhyme. I'm trying to learn not to do that in my poetry.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[tigerjen]

I changed it...thank you W.E. and SA!!

hiya W.E. and SA Storm!!!
Thank you for pointing out to me........I'm so tired
that it looked like daughter's post ran over quite
a bit there....but I checked back, and you guys are
right...its from Whispersecret! I made the name
changes

Thanks again!

tigerjen

 

[tigerjen]

WickedEve wrote:
tj, I recognize the name Scott. Don't you have another
poem about him? Or maybe you've commented about
him before?
I do see what Whispersecret is saying about forced
rhyme. I'm trying to learn not to do that in my poetry.

hiya WickedEve
I think I may have mentioned Scott to you in regards to
me writing my trilogy for him back in college.......
Anyhow, forced rhyme.....you also run into the same
problem? This was my first poem that I used rhyme
at all, which is unusual for me.......as I said back in my
reply to *Whispersecret* I wanted to try something
different......so when I saw the comments then I re-read
my poem, I could see what W.S. meant.

tigerjen

 

[REDWAVE]

Heavy Burdens

This is my commentary on "Heavy Burdens."

"Bitch" is said more in sorrow than in anger-- he would gladly welcome the "bitch" back into his life if he could. "Her eyes were of the deepest shade of blue." The woman becomes merged with the world, taunting him with his lack of worldly success, his sensitive bleeding soul. "If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?"

She was delicate and refined and witty and etc., everything he wanted in a woman, yet she turned out to be as hollow and empty and brutish as the world. ("I thought at last I'd found my only niche/ Free from the brainrot of all I knew.") That was long ago. Now with each passing year, the women, the sporting women, bare their midriffs when the warm weather comes, bringing only bile to his heart and a sneer to his lips: for he knows his only chance at happiness has passed.

"Now navels sprout in season, but only wrench
New scorn from a man who knows he's through . . ."

 

[Jaded1]

Well Jen. I still very much enjoy your work. I have no skills to technically tell you what is right or what is wrong. I am qualified based on creativity to say its very very good. Don't worry I have broad shoulders to fight off those that choose to attack my choices of authors Thank you for the gift to us.................

Jaded1, CT

 

[tigerjen]

Well Jen. I still very much enjoy your work. I have
no skills to technically tell you what is right or what is
wrong. I am qualified based on creativity to say its
very very good. Don't worry I have broad shoulders
to fight off those that choose to attack my choices
of authors Thank you for the gift to us.................

Jaded1, CT

Jaded....

There are those who send comments based on creativeness,
and those who send comments based on technical aspects.
And then those who send feedback based on both sides.

Thank you for reading...I am glad you enjoyed......

tigerjen

 

[KillerMuffin]

Withdrawn.

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Here it is, whatever it may be...

Heavy Burdens

I like the two lines you use to repeat within the poem, but the line: If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich? -- doesn't have a enough meaning or impact to be repeated so often. It could be more substantial, but there isn't enough written to make it so.

I like how you draw notice to a facial feature in the first stanza and go into one of her main personality traits in the second.

The third loses me.

Smiling about the hot dogs and the itch
And "yes, I cannot say but that it's true"
If you're so smart, how come you ain't rich?

I get the part about the hot dog and the itch, but what's the statement about? Vague. What's true?

4th - I like how you talk about the junk we all have stored in our heads as "brainrot". =)

5th/6th - I get lost after the first line in the 5th & 6th stanza. So, she's naked and then ... what? She flaunts her body and says you can't have it cuz you're not rich?

And with Now navels sprout in season, but only wrench ... er.. what does that mean? Must be a present day slang term I'm just ignorant of?

The general feel of the poem came across alright, but the rhymes "niche, bitch, itch, etc" felt forced to me. And if you had problems with it, I SO understand! It was a PAIN in the butt when my poem ended up being a rhyming one!

Heavy Blow to the Core

Visuals were great! I love the beginning. I can totally see it happening in my head. <grins> I am a very visual person.

Scott typed somber words
That sounded miserable and dim
Saying it was over with
After 3 1/2 years, I thought he was absurd
Until I re-read, he meant it to be grim.

Perhaps - "3 1/2 years meant nothing to him" instead of the last two in that stanza?

Also liked this line - And proceeded to bawl out my grief

The ending seems weak to me. The only solid picture is a ghost of a person standing and somehow that doesn't seem to fit well with the word "bravely".

Man! What a sucky way to end a relationship tho! Over the IM! GEEZ! WHAT A DORK!!! Okay, sorry, just had to say that.... =)

Heavy Machine

Hey, that was kewl to read! It was like having an internal rant come to life. Repetition of "fuck" was well placed.

Suggestion - truly madly blind instead of truly blindly mad

I like how it talks about it all, a relationship falling apart, having been faithful, then dealing with bullshit left and right. Making the reader think that the person is bitching in high anger mode but dropping the walls a bit at the end with that almost pleading questioning lament about phones that do nothing but ring.

Nice! Got a 5 from me! =)

Okay, er, don't smack me for my feedback if I was a bit blunt. Er... <grins> YOU can get back at my poetry... if it ever goes up.

 

[tigerjen]

Killer...I was hoping to hear from you on this one.

KillerMuffin wrote:
I hate to say it, tj, but this poem of yours
sucked. I did expect better. I'm sure you realize it,
too, because you made excuses for it.

I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it...we all have our cups of tea.

This poem was bad because it's no where near as
good as you can do. You can do much better, and quite
frankly, you shouldn't sell yourself short otherwise.
And a word of advice. Don't think of chocolate. What did
you think of? Chocolate. When you're given a list of words
you're not to use, don't even think about them. Scan the
list once, and forget it. It handicaps you because you
can't think of anything else but the list. Write from your
soul and if you need to edit out something later, then
edit it later. This works in all things, not just poetry
competitions.

I think that considering the short amount of time we
had to submit the poem (and I had less time because I
work the overnight shift, which is why I did what I did,
looking up the words, etc.) I think I did a good job, but I
know it could be much better with some editing and more
thought. That breakup was the first thing coming to
my mind when I was brainstorming, and I took it from there.
I think the most important thing out of all this was that *I
tried my best*........that is what its all about.....I know that
people either love or don't love my work, but I know in my
heart that I did try my best no matter what. I believe I
wrote from my soul in my earlier poems on here.....but since
this was a competition, I felt a bit of pressure to do something
different, esp. from my usual style.

I am glad you dropped in and let me know how you felt.....its
appreciated. thank you much for reading and your input.

tigerjen

 

[tigerjen]

Vailyn........

Vailyn wrote:
Visuals were great! I love the beginning. I can totally see it
happening in my head. <grins> I am a very visual person.

Scott typed somber words
That sounded miserable and dim
Saying it was over with
After 3 1/2 years, I thought he was absurd
Until I re-read, he meant it to be grim.

Perhaps - "3 1/2 years meant nothing to him" instead of the
last two in that stanza?
Also liked this line - And proceeded to bawl out my grief
The ending seems weak to me. The only solid picture is a
ghost of a person standing and somehow that doesn't
seem to fit well with the word "bravely".
Man! What a sucky way to end a relationship tho!
Over the IM! GEEZ! WHAT A DORK!!! Okay, sorry, just
had to say that.... =)

Hiya Vailyn!
Thank you for checking me out.....and reading!
Actually, Scott dumped me over email......I recall vividly reading
and re-reading the email from him, and just breaking down....it
really sucked. that's okay if you call him a dork, because he's not only
one, but also a coward!

Glad you enjoyed....thank you again!

tigerjen

 

[KillerMuffin]

Withdrawn.

 

[tigerjen]

*wincing* I was a little harsh with you TJ. I shouldn't have been so mean. I am sorry.
I disagree with you on your best. You put out a mediocre poem and that is no where near your best. You didn't try your best because the poem was well below your usual par. You may have done your best in the limited work that you allowed yourself to accomplish the poem with, but you set too many restrictions. Perhaps part of the problem is that you only let yourself think about the poem when you were writing it?
I was very disappointed when I read your poem. It's not what I've come to expect from you. The only thing as bad that you've written lately was that whole 3.14 thing. You are NOT a mediocre poet and you should not settle with a mediocre poem and call it "trying your best."

Hiya KillerMuffin,

I did focus on the poem itself as I was writing it, because
I wanted to do better and many people 'round here say
"there's no rhythm Jen"...."there's nothing to it Jen"......maybe this
poem wasn't the best one I've done but this one was the one I
felt I put more "effort" into though I've received mixed feedback
about it. I know I'm not mediocre, that's for sure, and I know people
were expecting better from me. I try something different, such as
the rhyming, and I get a mixed bag of reviews. Such as life, eh? One
can't please everyone, and I feel that on here with the heat I've received
I feel pressured to perform better, so this time I struck out. I still stick
by that I put my best foot forward, but only this time I tripped.

Just curious, KM........do you have a favorite poem of mine that you
enjoyed?

thank you for getting back to me.

tigerjen

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[tigerjen]

Re: Heavy blow

Tj, I also have to say I was expecting something more from
you. I did notice you stretching your style more. Maybe that
caused you some problems. Perhaps you will go back and
rewrite this and bring it up to Tigerjen standards.
SA

Hiya SA......

Give me this.....at least I put an honest effort into trying
something *different*...why can't everyone see that? I think
I'll do a rewrite at some point...not now though, because of
the contest.

*cry* I feel like shit now.......

TJ

 

[alice]

Heavy Burdens -
Submitted by REDWAVE(Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy Machine -
Submitted by Ded Poet (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/17/02

RED,

Like the form. The language is real. The tone is on mark.

Ded,

Too much of anything dissipates the punch. Edit some of the "fuck"s. Love the intensity.

alice

 

[Guest]

whisper, SA, and vailyn:

thanks for responding to my poem 'heavy machine'--

it was not crafted at all, just a rough emotional rant--i agree that
the word 'fuck' should have been used more judiciously.

thanks again!

 

[Guest]

thanks alice. i agree. i think we have consensus.

 

[daughter]

Heavy Blow

tigerjen--

Negative or not, you're getting considerable press on your poem. I'd gladly trade places with you. The fact that folks are taking time to comment is to your credit.

Your peers are being honest with you. To me, that says they geniuenly are interested in seeing you do well. So the poem didn't hit the mark. Minor consequence. What's important is that you struck out beyond your comfort zone. I commend you for it. Frankly, that is what I've felt most frustrated with your work in the first place. I agree with KM, I think you're capable of writing better.

I know a poet who was equally popular. After awhile not matter what she wrote, it won favor. Great for the ego, a death sentence for her creative flow. She got stuck. She wanted more, but had no clue how to do differently. She wanted her readers to tell her when she gave less than what they felt she was capable of. Didn't happen.

A flop is a blessing, Tigerjen. It demands that you try harder. Don't go back to what you were doing. Keep trying to add to what you know and yeah, do something radical.

I didn't like the poem either, but I was impressed that you did something different. Don't cry about it. Celebrate.

Peace,

daughter