“Heavy Lifting” poem by; mskittykatt, smithpeter, Savage Kitten

[Unmasked Poet]

Hell swings open her heavy doors -
Submitted bymskittykatt (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy, Heavy Loss -
Submitted bysmithpeter (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02


Heavy? Go on a Diet! -
Submitted by Savage Kitten (Non-Erotic Poetry) 01/18/02

 

[daughter]

How much we can say with metaphors

Savage Kitten--

You have two working in this one: eating and doors/spaces. Good job blending. I'd like to know why he left, but we all can think of reasons.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

over the edge intense

smithpeter wrote--

At the bridge she said her final words
"shut your pie hole you fucking jerk"
No punctuation was polite enough
Some stupid bird sang a Disney song
I flung her, screaming, to the rapids below

Stupid bird songs aborted
As they watched with their stupid
Little hollow boned bird eyes
A body frolic
In the foam


The italicized line struck me, but the succceeding lines flung me over the edge with this one. Graphic. Well-crafted, poignant lines.

check out the entire read She Weighed Much, She's Heavy

Enjoyed the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[daughter]

heavy on the cliches

mskittykat has the tone down, but the poem is weighed down with cliches and lack of punctuation.

"Hell swings open her heavy doors"Uh huh. The opening makes me want to close the door. mskittykat writes:

On the day you walked into my life heaven smiled down on us
as hell silently pulled open her doors.

We get enough of heaven and hell on Sunday mornings. We've trivalized the notion so how then we can take them seriously when we use them to illustrate the drama in our personal lives?

This is prose masquerading as poetry. Rehashed lines from our diaries makes awful poetry. I think we have enough real drama and imagination to pen our despair. This hell is chockfull of every distraught teenage girl's denouncements.

What do I like? mskittykat's courage to search for her voice. I believe it exists. I'm not going to lie to her and tell her she's found it. We miss the mark sometimes. Chuck this hell, and tell me how you really felt when you got dumped. I doubt it was this flowery. I think RED and Ded Poet are closer with the explictives. They're intense, honest, and real. Poetry isn't poetic if it's superficial.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[smithpeter]

daughter's sweet handles

Oh daughter,
I was a little concerned that melancholy was just around the corner here.
But, with Al and Wynton at your side there is success in all things.
Your Heavy tastes good to the bone.
Read, taste and listen here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=35544

 

[mskittykatt]

Re: heavy on the cliches

Daughter,

First thanks for taking the time to read and respond to my entry. I appreciate your acknowledgement of my courage and journey here. That does mean a lot to me. I would be offended if you lied to me about how you feel when you read what I wrote.

Now to address the questions that were raised and the ideas that the comments brought up.

I am sure there are many authors of poetry and stories alike that would love to never have to see another cliché again. Although I understand, that is probably from the sheer time they spend reading others writings, and trying to express themselves in a unique way, I am not one of those people. I do not cater to finicky authors. I write to express to the everyday Joe, how I feel about which ever topic I choose. Sometimes that is cliché sometimes it is not, that is not an important issue for me, personally, right now.

I understand that in a contest such as this, that many people are competing on a completely different level then I am. For me this is testing the waters, of the Lit writing crowd, and seeing where I fit into the picture right now. I can not, nor do I want to try, to compete on such a scale with seasoned poets for any blue ribbon. I simply want to raise my voice to see where it blends in, and where it does not.

Although many people may get their fill of “Heaven and Hell” on Sunday mornings, that is not how I used these words here. If those words are trivial to some… well I lack anything to say on that note. They are although a (disliked) cliché here, serious words to those who believe in them. They were for my intent a perfect contrast between the reality of the situation I found myself in, to the desired outcome. A hint that the summer sunsets with hand in hand strolls, and the rainy days snuggled up on the couch, were already darkly shaded by reality.

Would it have been a better read, would it have touched more people... if I had written about this man that gave me such comfort and security after I was raped, although it lasted only a short few weeks. would that aspect have made it more real? Or as I did, was describing the confusion and loneliness I felt as he left, the decision to be whole in my own right, good enough?

I know I will not always “hit the mark” for everybody that reads my stories or poems. sometimes what I feel really is flowery and I like that Daughter saw this particular poem as such. because at that time in my life and with what was going on for me, it was indeed a new beginning, when my Rose finally started to bloom.

 

[mskittykatt]

err

p.s. can anyone tell me how to make that sig, link work? lol
<<<<<<<blush>>>>>>>>
N.M. found my way around the vB code...

 

[Whispersecret]

Hell swings open her heavy doors by mskittykatt

To me there are a few cliches in this poem. (heaven smiling down, magical rays, a future that would never be, setting a spirit free and having it return). Interesting that all the cliches occur in the happy part of the poem.

The rains came falling to keep us indoors,

Would have made this say, "The rains came" or "The rain fell."

and the shadowy grave where your unspoken promises lie burning.

Very nice.

The smile was gone from your lips, though they still sought mine.

Yes. This line, the idea behind it, is wonderful, but this one doesn't quite make it past commonplace:

The laughter gone from your voice when you called out my name.

I found myself alone again before you had even gone.

Lost and wandering through the feelings and memories of our time together.

On the day I met she, with whom I shared your attentions

Should be "her."

Not searching for you anymore, but for the parts of me that you stole.

Excellent ending. Isn't that how many of us feel after a break-up? I'd love to see the rest of the poem match the dead-on rightness of this last line.

Heavy, Heavy Loss by smithpeter

Before her first anointment
Before mine
We agreed, we promised

I think this stanza talks about getting married...

Timed by mattress purchase

Not sure what this line means at all, and I've read the poem several times.

Her tans fade and renew
My stomach flattened then grew
Who is pregnant
We shared the flu

I see the passage of time here. I lament the missing question mark. The fourth line is confusing, seems unnecessary, except to rhyme. But I notice none of the rest of the poem rhymes. I'm getting more confused.

Gone with the toaster,
An armpit full of dandruff
Some saltpeter and
And, and, unness

Unness? Forgive me, but this just doesn't work for me. At all. This is the point where I surrendered my desire to really understand. I did go on, however, because I want to be thorough in my critique.

The unness of losing ones lover
To the man who eats Wendy's
Watches TV, Oprah sans sandals
Clicking sports, deftly

Not sure if the man is watching Oprah without his sandals, or if Oprah is known for wearing sandals and her lack of them is significant. Liked the fourth line of this stanza.

She was gone
Leaving cue ball shaped
Openings in my
You know where

No, I don't know where. Was "you know where" one of the taboo words?

Heavy? Go on a Diet! by savagekitten
First three stanzas, lovely. Playful. I identify with this woman.

Seated at my table,
You feasted upon emotions.
It should have been a clue,
You left the door ajar.

Nice foreshadowing here.

Divinity Entwined,
A secret recipe of my own creation.
Opportunity of descent,
You left without a word.

I don't understand what Divinity Entwined is. Divinity as in the candy stuff? And did you mean 'descent,' as in falling? I thought maybe you meant 'dissent,' as in disagreement, which made more sense to me as a cause for him to leave.

Like a summer breeze,
The entrée was short and sweet.
It should have been a clue,
You left the door ajar.

I love the last two lines. The comparison to a summer breeze doesn't work for me. I don't see breezes as short, nor does it match the food metaphor. Perhaps you should have compared the relationship to an appetizer?

Overall, this was in the top three of my personal favorites among the HEAVY poems. Thanks, SK.

 

[mskittykatt]

Thank you for your response Whisper, i'll try to remember your suggestions, thanks for making it clear to me with your examples!

 

[daughter]

rape isn't flowery

I understand that in a contest such as this, that many people are competing on a completely different level then I am. For me this is testing the waters, of the Lit writing crowd, and seeing where I fit into the picture right now. I can not, nor do I want to try, to compete on such a scale with seasoned poets for any blue ribbon. I simply want to raise my voice to see where it blends in, and where it does not.

mskitty, while this is a contest, I think everyone is trying to write their best irrelevant of the competition. I applaud you for testing the waters. I'm still not sure I can swim.

They were for my intent a perfect contrast between the reality of the situation I found myself in, to the desired outcome. A hint that the summer sunsets with hand in hand strolls, and the rainy days snuggled up on the couch, were already darkly shaded by reality.

mskitty, it isn't the contrast I object to. I appreciate your logic. The problem for me is that the cliche has no impact. When you've heard something said a thousand times the response to hearing it again is, "Not again" Your explanation of what was to come is far more interesting. In poetry, we're trying to say the same things in different ways. In what way would be unique for you?

Would it have been a better read, would it have touched more people... if I had written about this man that gave me such comfort and security after I was raped, although it lasted only a short few weeks. would that aspect have made it more real? Or as I did, was describing the confusion and loneliness I felt as he left, the decision to be whole in my own right, good enough?

Yes. There are other ways to have examined a really ugly event without giving up details you were uncomfortable with. Want to gloss the good things, okay. But, the rape and loss are not. I missed any ugliness and intensity explored here. I kept tripping over tired cliches. The real event is far more relevant and worth reading. Metaphors are great. You only need to find the right ones. I think you're capable of doing it.

mskitty, keep writing. I'll keep reading.

Be well.

Peace,

daughter

 

[smithpeter]

Thank you, Whispersecret

I enjoyed reading your review of my poem Heavy, Heavy Loss.
Here are a couple of points about this that can be applied to much of my work.

I shy away from punctuation unless I really want it there.
"Who is pregnant" is an obvious question and saw the curly mark as unneeded clutter.
There is actually a question mark in a poem I submitted last night.
Floating

If you gave up your desire to understand I feel a goal has been reached. Frustration can be fun.
I know who was not wearing sandals and I'm not telling.

Thanks again for the time you spend reading and writing. That alone is a compliment of high order.

 

[SA Storm]

.

 

[Ded Poet]

'Heavy, heavy loss' by smithpeter:

smithpeter as usual performs magic by making
mountains disappear and reappear, leaving one wondering what is real.

'Heavy? Go on a Diet!' by Savage Kitten:

a tale of psychic vampirism? doors, locks, portals and feasts. nice blending of imagery and metaphor, but i think this poem is still trying to find itself. she doesn't want him in the first place, but she lets him in--then when she digs deeper to give him more, it is unclear whether she is concocting a potion to banish him, or whether she is really disappointed when he leaves...the door is left ajar...

still, i liked it alot.

 

[Savage Kitten]

Originally posted by Whispersecret
Divinity Entwined,
A secret recipe of my own creation.
Opportunity of descent,
You left without a word.

I don't understand what Divinity Entwined is. Divinity as in the candy stuff? And did you mean 'descent,' as in falling? I thought maybe you meant 'dissent,' as in disagreement, which made more sense to me as a cause for him to leave.

Yep, Divinity as in the candy stuff... and also as in Divine. "Divinity Entwined" is the name of her creation.

He asked for dessert/more. She thought she had already given him all she had to give. So, she reached deeper. Finding more, something she didn't know she had, something of her own creation.

descent/dissent... i looked both up in the dictionary and descent best fit the meaning i had in mind. when he asked for dessert, he really didn't plan on staying around long enough to see it... it was just an excuse to get her preoccupied so he could leave. he really didn't need a reason to leave... he stayed around long enough to get what he wanted. then, when he consumed his full, he left.

Like a summer breeze,
The entrée was short and sweet.
It should have been a clue,
You left the door ajar.

I love the last two lines. The comparison to a summer breeze doesn't work for me. I don't see breezes as short, nor does it match the food metaphor. Perhaps you should have compared the relationship to an appetizer?

maybe it depends on your geographical location? here.. in the summer time.. when it is so hot you can barely breath... sometimes there'll come a breeze.... it passes by so softly and so quickly you wonder if it ever really happened at all.

but, even if i do think it was a good metaphor.. your right.. it didn't link up with the rest of the poem.

Thanks WS.. you know how valuable your insight is to me!!

Sk~

 

[mskittykatt]

umm?

Daughter,
i didn't write in the scene behind the scene here, is that part of what you're suggesting i'd have done?

 

[daughter]

a more compelling read

For me, mskitty I think an examination of the horrific event and your healing would have been more compelling. It isn't necessary to give explicit details, but some metaphor or symbolism to illustrate the ugliness and the beauty the character later experiences in the aftermath would enhance the read.

A connection to what inspired the tale was completely lost on me. Since this is about the healing and the relationship that helped bring it about, some foreshadowing of the rape and then the focus on the second loss she felt when her hero left her.

Does that make sense?


Peace,

daughter

 

[Vailyn]

Feedback

Hell Swings Open Her Heavy Doors

On the day I met she, with whom I shared your attentions
a part deep within me began to die.
The sunrise found someone new looking through my eyes.
Not searching for you anymore, but for the parts of me that you stole.

This is the most moving part of the poem for me. The feeling of love shared and lost is clear. A sense of self that was too entwined with the love given by someone else rather than being independent and sharing the two lives together. The message is clear and noted.

I think you can chop out a lot of words in this one. It's rambles too much. Too many unncessary words. Everything is worded so you use twice the amount of words necessary to get the meaning across. Long windy poems do not make me balk, but that style doesn't work well with your general intent here.

On the day you walked into my life heaven smiled down on us
as hell silently pulled open her doors.

The beginning feels forced. Like it was left there to suit the title and then forgotten. The elements of pain or suffering that makes something hell isn't strong enough to have those lines there. Superficial.

I like the meaning of strength and realization the poem conveys. This poem can be much stronger with some decisive editting.

Heavy, Heavy Loss

This is an odd case where I was able to get the meaning you were trying to come across with but left wondering how I got there. Even as I am writing my comments down, my eyes are going back to your poem and reading it again and again. Yet, there are so many parts where I'm like "Huh?"... For some reason, the poem has a very monotone voice to me. It doesnt rise up or down, it just steadily talks without inflection. The last stanza brings some self-deprecating humor to the poem but I wonder if that is right for the poem itself.

Heavy? Go On a Diet!

I like the play of words in these two lines:

Greedily, you gorged, with
No concern of tomorrow.

3rd/4th stanzas deal with da guy coming into the apartment. You should tighten it up and make it into a single strong stanza. Several parts of the poem seem weak to me because of being drawn out where it should be left compact.

It weakens the overall poem by repeating these lines at the end:

It should have been a clue,
You left the door ajar.

Don't end it with those lines because it was handy. That kind of idea isn't apparent in the poem. Try to fill in with something different. Or take it out in the middle of the poem. Either change would make it better.

 

[mskittykatt]

heh

okay folks i guess i should make a confession here, although it will change your opinion very little, i imagine.

this poem was originally titled "Still Looking" and contained the words soul and heart within. i revised it to adhere to the contest rules, and then i had to pull a title, with the word heavy in it out of my unlubricated bum... with few suitable options, i chose the title i did and submitted it.

for whatever difference that makes...

 

[Vailyn]

Laffin! Damn Forbidden WORDS!!!!

okay folks i guess i should make a confession here, although it will change your opinion very little, i imagine.

this poem was originally titled "Still Looking" and contained the words soul and heart within. i revised it to adhere to the contest rules, and then i had to pull a title, with the word heavy in it out of my unlubricated bum... with few suitable options, i chose the title i did and submitted it.

This just goes back to the DAMN forbidden words. EVERYONE stinkin knows what heart, soul, tears and etc mean! Makes life soooooooooooo much easier if we could of have used them. Hehe, God knows I do that quite a bit myself. But overall, it was a good exercise cuz it made me think and I like that.

<sticks tongue out at UP> I get to bitch, moan and complain anyways!