Okay, I feel like sinking my claws into something substantial, who wants feedback?

Okay, so maybe it's not as bad as all that claws business. I'm not exactly known for being nice, though. I tell ya what I think and you're free to take it or leave it.

Okay, I can take it..

I can take it...and I find this story (and its astonishingly high readership) bizarre. Let's just say--it was a Survivor thing.

Claustrophia Cure:http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28888

RS

btw--not to soften your blows or anything , but I think you really outdid yourself with "Absolution for Gretta." Nice work.

This may not qualify......

but since I think this is one of my favorites, if you say it sucks then I'll know to give it up and just be a reader. This is one of my older poems. I just haven't been able to get my act together lately to write anything new. Could it be I'm scared shitless of the UP? lol.....

Anyway KM, sock it to me baby......It's now or never......btw...LOVE your new free verse poem. (Shameless sucking up before the axe falls..ha!)
Seriously though, you have stated in the past that your poetry sucks but you must know better by now!


Your Secret Passage

There is a place I want to go,
If you will allow me, kind sir.
A place that will thrill you; a place I can drill you,
But, first, we will need to go slow.

Come in, kind sir, and then please strip.
Relax and lie on your back.
My mouth will engulf you, my hand will stroke you
And then, my finger I'll lick.

I'll gently find your "sweet spot"
and slide my finger in slowly
In and out, gently at first for you;
In and out, in and out, ooooh!

And then I'll slip in another
Just to drive you wild
We'll pick up the pace a little.
You'll whimper like a child.

You know you have always wanted this
But you were afraid to ask.
You know you have always fantasized
About a woman fucking your ass.

So tell me how do you like it?
Is it as good as you had thought?
May I do it again sometime, kind sir?
Did it make you incredibly HOT?
KatPurrs

You had pretty mechanics, Risia, other than a slightly run-ony, passive feel to the beginning, no complaints there. I knew that you'd deliver quality in that regard though.

The beginning was stiff to me. You didn't feel relaxed at all when you wrote it. I could tell it was survivor and not something you'd normally write. I could "see" Candace's fears, nervousness, and panic. I couldn't "feel" it. Because I couldn't "feel" it I was a little disbelieving when she started fucking the guy stupid. See, when I'm terrified, I start kicking and screaming or running like hell. Flight or fight response. You can get the fight into fucking, but it's got to be convincing. I think it would do very well for convincing in the forum you've got it posted on, but having read your stuff for a year now, I think you can do better than that. I think a lot of the problem was the passive feel to the beginning and the fact that there really wasn't that much emotional reaction to the whole crying jag by Steve. He came across as pretty blase through the whole thing.

Once you get past the beginning, it smooths out and flows well until the end where she bolts and he tries to say hi to her. She wants nothing to do with him and he's thinking he's gotta ride the long way again. I didn't exactly understand why she did that. I know why, she was embarassed by the entire thing, the fear and the blindly fucking a complete stranger without thought to anything. However, there was no "Oh my gawd! What have I done?!?!" kind of feel coming off of her. Steve just gloated and made plans to do it again.

What I would do would be to have less of the why she's running late and what's going to happen in the future. You could condense that entire thing into one or two sentences. It's enough to make her feel rushed and panicked. I would spend the time on her trying to force herself to take the elevator in the first place. Not a lot, but just enough so the reader can feel the panic more and understand the fear with more than just the words. A reference to the past may or may not help. It wouldn't take much at all. Physical reactions like upset stomachs, pounding pulse, sweating, and pacing are things that immediately indicate a character is highly upset about something. Steve, I think, should be grumpy. He didn't come across as very grumpy, just resigned. Until he starts getting some, then he can be getting laid.

I liked the story, it's a good story and definately good jack off material. It's not a great story because the characters failed to make it great. If I had to guess, I would imagine that you conceived the action happening through the story first and then added characters to fit the scene.

That seems pretty fair, all around. It doesn't "feel" right to me, either. I had little emotion invested in the characters, and it definitely comes across. I just grew tired of trying to care about them at some point, and finished up the action of the plot. My dissatisfaction with the characters manifests in the abrupt, unfinished ending. Good read, KM. Thanks.

RS

Hell, I'll take whatever I can get

KM--

I would like a little public floggin'. I'm hoping you like it, but if you don't I know you'll tell me why. LOL

At any rate, I'm hopin' to get a few more clicks from the free press.

Here's my sacrifice, harlequin: sista style:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28105

Glad folks are contributing more to the comment threads.

Peace,

daughter

Wow... finally I might get some constructive criticism!

Hey KM... I've been waiting for someone to tear my story a new asshole - so bring those claws over here, will ya?

I already know about the techical stuff - I need to clean up the punctuation and a few times I use "breast" instead of "breasts"... I'm looking for criticism on the story line, character developement, word choice... criticism of the meatier parts of the story. Please help me out...

You can find the story here.

Thank you for helping me out.

Curious

Curious if you've read anything of mine. Nothing specific, just an overall opinion.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=60507

Most of the poetry isn't erotic, but Solo and dreaming out loud are. I've been writing poetry for a while, but the stories are pretty new. "Not cheating" seems to be my most popular in hits if not in votes.

Enjoy

Don't leave it to KillerMuffin

Folks--

I'm thrilled that KM is stepping up to the plate, but let's add our 2cents, too. Post a review, some commentary about one of your peers.

Just like with any other writing, we get better with critiques by doing them.

Give what you want.

Peace,

daughter

Good Idea Daughter...

Shamelessflirt - I'll comment on your's if you'll comment on mine.

OK Black_Bird

Black_Bird said:

Shamelessflirt - I'll comment on your's if you'll comment on mine.

Click to expand...

I read Kitten and Bell

I liked your use of imagry, it gets distracting when you're reading a story and your brain catches something that isn't possible.

But you sex to story ratio is off ...lol

Seriously, the story I read would make the beginnings of a great book but as a short story it leaves me wanting.

I did a similar story, chance encounter but I was intentionally suggestive.

Otherwise, very cool.

flirts rating system

so flirt, you're actually rating the story by how many times per page they bonk???

jk, but if that's really the criteria....think i can write a winner.

Re: OK Black_Bird

ShamelessFlirt said:

I read Kitten and Bell
I liked your use of imagry, it gets distracting when you're reading a story and your brain catches something that isn't possible.

Click to expand...

DOH! Okay - what impossible metaphor did I use now?

But you sex to story ratio is off ...lol Seriously, the story I read would make the beginnings of a great book but as a short story it leaves me wanting.

Click to expand...

No problem... I wrote another part and its waiting for review as we speak. More sex... enough sex to probably sate most people...

But if you want sex, then Alexia is the story you want... I'm actually trying to work a story line into K&B, which might slow down the sex a little - while Alexia is just like all other BDSM plots... a poor excuse for the next sex scene!

Otherwise, very cool.

Click to expand...

Kat? Are you sure you wanna hear this? Okay, here goes.

Mind you poetry isn't something I do with a great deal of, let's call it class. I either like it or I don't. I'm sorry to say that I didn't like it. The use of "kind sir" over and over again was completely jarring. Kind sir is very unsexual to me, not to mention it became pretty repetitive. Another big problem I have is when someone puts the verb at the end of the line. As in "my finger I'll lick." That comes across to me as something a person just slaps in there because it's the only way they can think of to put those particular words on that line. I believe I do that frequently whenever I write a poem, so I can tell this is a serious amateur gimmick.

It read rather like a nice set of rhythmic yoga instructions. I put a great deal of stock into "feeling" something from the writer when I read anything, be it poem, story, novel, or grocery list. There was something missing from it, and I do believe that something was a piece of you. This missing feeling ruins a poem. Even a playful, light poem or a dirty ditty should have some feeling to it. Take Lil'MissBlair's Slutty something or other. It's a nasty piece of tripe, essentially, but you feel so much from her. You see her heart and soul when she writes it. I picked up nothing from you, nor from the male character you wrote to. Is this even a real person?

I'm far more demanding of poetry that I read than of anything else because I absolutely detest reading bad poetry. Bad poetry tortures the language unlike anything else except maybe bad song lyrics. Those really bite the big one too. It must be great poetry.

I would classify your poetry as on the low side of good. I wouldn't call it bad. However, I don't think I'd be interested in reading it again as is. Ouch. I'm sorry.

Chance Encounter & Not Cheating.

I've just read both!

With Chance Encounter, I almost expected that it *was* just a fantasy dreamed up in his head - it must be the way you used your words to envoke that feeling of euphoria. Although I understand where the peice is coming from, it definitely could have used some dialogue between the woman and narrator... something to ground the characters a little bit, to make it clear that this was really happening... It would make the glossed over ending easier to swallow. As it stands, one reads through the story, thinking he's only going to get so far before its revealed that he's still on the train, staring at that beautiful lady; possibily promting him to speak with her... the outcome of which would then could be glossed over...

Otherwise, beautiful imagry and great concept.

Not Cheating was better, I thought. I love the concept... its like that childish game where, when told not to touch them, you get as near to the person's skin as possibile and say over and over "I'm not touching you... not touching you..." Again, it could have used a word or two of dialogue - if only to make clear just how hard it is not to go full hog... It doesn't need much more then that, though. Great story!

Okay daughter. Are you really sure you wanna hear this? Here goes.

I loved it. I'm not sure what the title has to do with anything, though. Harlequin? Like the romance books or like the clown? And what's sista style? Went over my head.

The phrases you used, however, conjured images of people comfortable with each other. People who were bonded in some way. I'm not sure what exactly made this one a great poem and not just a good one, but I do know I "felt" it. Maybe it was that a rather disgusting and a rather painful experience were satisfying. Perhaps it was the exalting of the mundane. I dunno, actually.

Funny how it's easy to see what's wrong with stuff but hard to see what's right with it.

meaning

I loved it. I'm not sure what the title has to do with anything, though. Harlequin? Like the romance books or like the clown? And what's sista style? Went over my head.

KM--

harlequin is my reference to grocery store romance novels. I am poking fun at the genre. I don't like syrupy poetry. I think it's best shared with lovers or others who will love it just because you wrote it. sista style is nothing mysterious. It's acknowledging that this is a black woman's take on a genre that rarely has black characters(well, there are more now). And there is a style or tone associated with black culture. That is the secondary reference.

The phrases you used, however, conjured images of people comfortable with each other. People who were bonded in some way. I'm not sure what exactly made this one a great poem and not just a good one, but I do know I "felt" it. Perhaps it was the exalting of the mundane. I dunno, actually.

***I think art celebrates and elevates the mundane. I think maybe that resonated with you in this poem. I think there is something beautiful about transforming lunch into an event and to find it beautiful enough to preserve it in a poem is even more whimiscal.

I try also to invoke cadence through sound in my poetry. Sound matters to you. I am a poet who conscientiously considers meaning, connotation, and sound. I was thrilled to read your post on this element of poetry.

Thanks for the read.

Peace,

daughter

Awww, that's ok KM, don't be sorry. I asked for it. What can I say? I was in a masochistic mood and went looking for a pistol packin' mama to shoot me down like a dog and I knew you wouldn't let me down? umm....Gee! I pasted the wrong damn poem in here? ummm.....I knew you were looking to kick butt, so...what're friends for?

Seriously though, I really do appreciate your candor, and your taking the time to comment on it. You said to either take it or leave it. I'll take it! Any old day. This is good for me.

I understand a lot of what bugged you about it. Some hate repetition. Glad you didn't read Commands From A Dom.....talk about repetition! And yet I feel that sometimes repetition can be effective. I guess this wasn't one of those times though but I'm just learning having only started writing on a steady basis (kinda/sorta) since July. And I'm trying different techniques.
I've been thinking about your comment that it sounded rather like "rhythmic yoga instructions" and chuckled because I was actually trying to do it in a "rhythmic sexual instructions" kinda way. It was intended to be ceremonious, cold, impersonal, but it obviously didn't work.

And I think you were right on when you said that a piece of me was missing. My more recent poems have been more "soulful" which is waaay more like me. And I guess, as in story telling, we should write what we know. I made the characters unfeeling, uncaring. Unfortunately all I accomplished here, with you anyway, and probably many others, was to leave the reader not feeling or caring about the poem!

The "kind sir" irritant was a residue from having just re-read Story of O. So it was supposed to make the reader see it as taking place in that era. Failed again, eh? Oh dear.

But thanks a million KM. I do appreciate it!
Honest! How the hell else am I going to learn?

Kat~

Re: Re: OK Black_Bird

Black_Bird said:

DOH! Okay - what impossible metaphor did I use now?

Click to expand...

My point was you DIDN'T use any impossible metaphors (else I would have mentioned them). The imagry was excellent (don't give it up to cut to the sex, I think it adds to it).

I do want to point out that I'm not familiar with the world of B&D etc. so while I'm looking for more sex, the whole whipping thing may really get someone off. Play to your strengths, write what you know.

I like your style, and I could see you writing a book. I sometimes have problems filling in some of the details as you have, so most of my stories tend to be short. Matter of fact, the only one I got back when I submitted it was meant to be two parts. I submitted the first and was told it was too short (never heard that in real life though ). Like a teenage girl though I filled out ...lol

ok KM give mine a try, be brutally honest! I can take it...I think

Repetition/refrains

KatPurrs--

Can we be careful with extremes? Repetition and refrains are effective tools. It is how you use them that determine their value.

Is a poet repeating a phrase or word that accentuates a read? Does the repetition come off as redundant? Is there a better device or word choice instead of repetition?

Villanelles, pantoumns, madrigals all use refrains. Spirituals, mantras, hymns, and chants use repetition. We know that repetition can work.

I don't automatically discount repetition. I evaluate it's purpose. A skilled poet and learned reader does the same.

Keep writing.

Peace,

daughter

KillerMuffin.......?

A favor perhaps?

After my roasting with Mrs. Doubtfire... I did complete another story, perhaps you wouldn't mind taking a look at this one and see if I've addressed the flow and wordiness a bit better.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30235

Really would appreciate you're feedback on this one if and when you find time.

Thank you.

I remain......

Me! Me! Do me!

OK, KillerMuffin, babe, after you're finished with Thesandman (and I'll try to take a look at it soon myself, dude), sharpen your claws on this:
http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28156

It's called "A Kinky Valentine." It's somewhat like your "An Acidic Tiger"-- except there's a twist at the end.

Then, if you like, I'll read and critique something of yours.

.

Ok, Killer - hit me with your best/worst shot!

As a new writer and first time poster, I need all the feedback any one is kind enough to offer. Your are a straight shooter and I like that (she says right now) - so if you would be so kind and take a look at my story.

Thank you
Panther

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30264: