A compilation, for the "How To" board

So, how do I seduce my mother/father?
Is my pussy tight enough/dick long enough?
How do I go down on a man/woman?
How do I last longer?
How do I wow someone with my sexual prowess?
Extra-large condoms?
So, I let my bf/gf fuck someone else, and now they want that person.
How do I suck my own cock/make masturbation more interesting?
How do I make my girlfriend interested in anal?
What is anal?
Can I just, like, "accidentally" shove it up her ass?


These are the newbie-esque posts that we seem to find here. It seems they're topics that are repeated rather often.


I understand you're newbies, but use the SEARCH function.



And if you're trying to have people fawn all over you and tell you your dick is just fine, or if you're trying to shock us by sleeping with your mother, or if you're trying to seduce us by writing long, detailed stories about your wife's infidelity...


it ain't gonna happen.


We've seen it before. Far too many times. And now it's just irritating.



***edited to add the anal questions I mistakenly forgot***

Now hon how could you have forgotten all those anal questions?

wicked woman said:

Now hon how could you have forgotten all those anal questions?

Click to expand...

My bad. I edited. They're there now.

So your question on the other thread was rhetorical? Oh well, I was tricked into responding because I thought you didn't know, but actually you are just *tired* of knowing.



I'll go use the search function to see if the question I want to ask (I haven't really asked one yet, but I have responded to some of the ones you noted) is there. It probably should be.

Peace from Florida,

Michael

mgouker said:

So your question on the other thread was rhetorical? Oh well, I was tricked into responding because I thought you didn't know, but actually you are just *tired* of knowing.



I'll go use the search function to see if the question I want to ask (I haven't really asked one yet, but I have responded to some of the ones you noted) is there. It probably should be.

Peace from Florida,

Michael

Click to expand...

Most of the questions I ask here are rhetorical. Why? Because I've seen most of the things I reply to before. I'll honestly answer new questions, or questions that I feel are really heartfelt, etc, but the question of whether or not a cock is big enough is an ego-motivated question, not a heart-motivated one. And I pamper NO ONE'S ego.

When I answer questions honestly, truthfully, and thoughtfully, they're not as sharp and bitchy as when I answer facetiously. I'm aware that my last few posts here have been rather sharp, but sometimes, y'just need to stop and use your head before asking something as silly as "what size cock does it for you?" or whatever.

Call it a pet peeve. I find it utterly sad that so many men's confidence rides on the size of their penis. My confidence doesn't rest on the size of my boobs. It rests on my intelligence, and my inner spirit, and my strengths. Physicality is temporary.

That was really well stated. Sex for us is also a spiritual endeavour.

I am here to learn not so much about sex as how to write about it naturally. I am not a writer of erotica, but there are times when anyone needs to write about erotic things. I prefer to use erotic language to describe ambient and fear (I am writing a horror/fantasy story). Words can be erotic without any sexual suggestiveness. When I describe the way fog seems to unpeel as one of my lovely characters treads softly through the underbrush, I want it to be an erotic experience. That's not very clear, but I will try to elaborate a little better when I have more time.

Also, the actual love scenes in my writing are laughable. The romance is too corny and the sex is too stereotypical. I need to work on it a lot.

So, in a way I am studying all of you. You are under my microscope. Hee hee!

Seriously my writing needs some help here. I think men fall into the trap of writing about what you call the "physicality" way too much. I was very surprised to find the erotic historical romance novels my wife reads are filled with the same kind of stereotypes ("oh his sword is so large!") and I suspect this comes from the editing process forcing the writers into a uniformity that they never intended.

Anyway, thank you for your response. I don't need any security about my dick, but once I actually try to write a good sex scene or something, your sincere criticism will be _very_ much appreciated.

Peace from Florida,

Michael

Michael if you want feedback on your writing or any help along that line I would direct you to the forums for authors....Author's Hangout, Story Feedback, Story Ideas, Story Discussion Circle, Editor's Forum...or even read some of the stories rated H..Hot by readers...or Editor's Choice. There are all sorts of wonderful writers there that help willingly.

Between this and your thread in the Am Pic forum I'm left to believe you're either bored or damned arrogant.

With 13,000+ posts I'd of guessed you've gained enough experience here to just let things roll.

Who gives a damn if some kid wants to know if his dick is long enough or some chick wants advice on how to love one guy but screw another?

It's a free board that is going to attract all sorts of attention. Big deal. Sometimes people don't do the search (or even if they do) but want the attention directed squarely at them. You can either give them that attention or not.

I didn't answer the Am Pic post because I thought I understood where you were coming from, especially after your reply to the post. Then I click here and find the same demeaning, condesending, and almost venomous thread.

Here's a thought. Take control of your right finger and make a conscious decision to either click or not. And let the people post whatever thay want whenever they want. They'll learn soon enough or they'll leave.

Limbhugger said:

Between this and your thread in the Am Pic forum I'm left to believe you're either bored or damned arrogant.

With 13,000+ posts I'd of guessed you've gained enough experience here to just let things roll.

Who gives a damn if some kid wants to know if his dick is long enough or some chick wants advice on how to love one guy but screw another?

It's a free board that is going to attract all sorts of attention. Big deal. Sometimes people don't do the search (or even if they do) but want the attention directed squarely at them. You can either give them that attention or not.

I didn't answer the Am Pic post because I thought I understood where you were coming from, especially after your reply to the post. Then I click here and find the same demeaning, condesending, and almost venomous thread.

Here's a thought. Take control of your right finger and make a conscious decision to either click or not. And let the people post whatever thay want whenever they want. They'll learn soon enough or they'll leave.

Click to expand...

You're right. I should have the self-restraint not to read the multiple threads. Call it a train-wreck. Can't help but look. And this thread was for amusement's sake, for those of us who've seen these kinds of threads a billion times, and can't help but laugh a little when they show up.

However, I come here, and I see these posts like "how do I seduce my mother" and I can't help but wonder if the person's serious. I can't help but shake my head. I can't help but wonder if said poster is 18.

*shrug* My post on the am pic board wasn't condescending. It was a call for people to move past the idea that life revolves around their sex organs. Maybe this post has the same flavour to it... I find it sad that so much attention goes to the sex organs, rather than to pleasing a partner, or using one's mind to attract someone. Maybe that's too high a goal for a porn board, but I don't think so. We're all people. We all have much more to us than our sex organs, we have our sexuality, which isn't necessarily defined by such organs. We have our personalities outside of sexual spheres, and we have intelligence. Or rather, most of us do. We are evolved adults, and I KNOW that we can think and use our brains. I just would love to see that kind of thing a little more often.

Forgive me if that's too snotty for you. I don't mean to be snotty. I meant to be facetious.

The two newest threads on the board are about anal sex. Both have it in their title. Could one not have posted a reply to the other saying he wanted the same info?

This is my point.

Fight them.

Insightful Ideas concerning Penis Sizes...

I'd like to address Vixen's concerns about why we men obscess over the dick size issue. Being a woman she doesn't understand the root of the issue stems from formatitive years in which most boys with small packages are routinely taunted in High School Gym showers across the country and probably around the world.

Everyone, man or woman, is a product of their environment and how they were brought up. From my perspective, my high school years were where it started, and never really ended until nearly 10yrs ago when I met my second wife. Children, and teenagers included, can be especially cruel to each other. It doesn't take many comments for a guy to suddenly start doubting himself and his ability to please a woman. And cutting remarks in the "shower" as a sign of boyhood machismo are the norm even today. Names like "shorty" and "peewee" and comments like needle dick are enough to start a kid worrying about the size. Next thing you know that kid is noticing that he is smaller than most and that kid over there can use his as a lasso!!!! So in effect, he re-enforces the concept all by himself. Even if no one said a word to him, he still can't help but notice. After all, in his mind, his penis is his defining masculine trait.

The problem can be easily corrected, but it can't be corrected by himself. Oh no, that would be too easy darn it!

In my own particular case I went through high school, then college, all the time thinking I had a substandard package. On the upside it caused a shyness in me that allowed me to avoid women altogether during those years, concentrating on my studies instead. Out of college and one of my friends set me up on a series of blind dates, one of whom I eventually married. This bitch proceeded to hammer home that I could never please her for the next 12 years. It wasn't until I met my second wife and discovered I could please a woman that I came to understand its not how big it is, but what you do with the whole package that counts.

Solving the penis size concern is something only a woman can do for a man. A guy can wonder, he can be envious of the bigger guys, but only by pleasing his woman will he come to understand its not an important issue. In his mind he might be undersized, but she still wants him. And that ladies, is the biggest ego boost a guy can get.

So yeah, the younger the guy is, the more concerned about his size he will be. But given time, and pardon the pun but, enough women under his belt, he'll know what is important, and what isn't. And penis size isn't important.

I'll freely admit, I'm not all that big. But I'm big enough to get the job done and make my woman happy. And that is all the best anyone can do in life isn't it? Besides, we smaller guys have one big advantage over the guys with the 14 inch monsters. Unlike them, our women have NO PROBLEM deep throating us.

So why not just have a bunch of themed "stickies" at the top of the How-to? That way they don't even really have to search. Just stick a handful of threads up there:

All About Anal
Is My Dick Big Enough?
Am I Tight Enough?
Seducing Mom
To Shave or Not To Shave
Giving a Great Blow Job
Eating Pussy Like a Pro
How To Look Like You Know What You're Doing When You Really Haven't Any Idea But Don't Want Her/Him To Know You're Clueless

Actually Peachykeen that's a great idea. Kind of like the BDSM Library...with an index of topics and then links to informative threads on the topic.

Re: Insightful Ideas concerning Penis Sizes...

Bobmi357 said:

I'd like to address Vixen's concerns about why we men obscess over the dick size issue. Being a woman she doesn't understand

Click to expand...

Here's an easier way to express it to the ladies


Ladies, you know all of the body issues/anxiety you have? "Am I fat? Is my butt too big? Does my hair look all rigt? Are my tits too small?" etc etc?
Every notice how guys seem unaffected by that (this is a generalization folks)?
How a guy with a huge bald spot, a beer gut from hell, and adult acne will STILL think he's handsome/sexy, even when he's out dressed like a bum on a bender?
That's because almost every single erg of energy YOU spend worrying about your body as a whole, or at least numerous body parts, we spend worrying about ONE.
Like Bob said, for many guys, it's their defining masculine charateristic, what "makes" them a man, so of COURSE bigger is better. That's reinforced not only, as Bob said, by locker room (and other) comments by guys during the formative years but by a whole CULTURE of "Bigger is better" (look at how many women get boob jobs because bigger ones make them feel more "womanly"!)
So just try & imaging for a minute all those issues of societal apporval, mate approval, and SELF approval revolving around one single part of your anatomy...THAT'S why we obsess about it.

Please note, I'm not saying we SHOULD obsess or that any level of approval, especially from one's self SHOULD revolve around it
But it often does

James~

We are very similar to women in this respect. I know a beautiful girl in her late 20s that was so hot. She had a beautiful curvaceous body with hips that beckoned to be mounted. Guys endlessly begged for dates with her (not only is she too young for me, btw, she is also one of my wife's cousins), but she always believed she was not desireable. Until... she converted her flat chest into a 34D (which on her tiny frame are whoppers). Now she is full of confidence and behaves much more sexually aggressively. I honestly don't think she is any more attractive like this, but everyone has their own preferences and apparently the guys she thinks she likes like what she has now.

Are big breasts any more fun in bed than little breasts? I don't think so, but I'm sure there are guys that only go for enormous mammaries. Whatever. All I'm trying to say is that it is the same way with guys.

However.

We cannot easily remake our penises. So we have three choices:

1. We can fret about what we have and live forever miserably in self-doubt.

2. We can accept what we have and make the best we can out of it. Which means if you are a small or average guy, you should really bring all the other skills of romance and love-making up to a truly excellent level.

3. We can attempt to change what we have by subscribing to some form of penis enlargement through pills or exercises. Honestly, I have never taken the pills and when I looked into the exercises a couple of years ago, it looked like growth was made to the penis by hurting it. The growth would come by tissue that was healing over the wounds. I may have this completely wrong but that doesn't seem to me to be worth it. Plus, the whole spectacle of all these guys stretching and exercising their dicks seems like a kind of grim joke.

So I opt for solution 2 and it's working out so far pretty well. To reinforce my security I have chosen to put myself in as many situations where I was naked in front of other people (legally of course) and in that situation just behave normally. So, when I go to Europe I make a point to go to spas (they are all coed over there) and I go to nudist beaches. Nobody has ever commented on my penis being small in those situations. (All those mean kids have now grown up and are adults, bobmi, so you can just be yourself now.) Everybody on the nudist beach had a different beautiful body of different shapes and sizes. Some were fat, some were thin, some were old, some were children, some women were sexy, some were not, some men had a big beer belly, some were muscular and taut. There were penises of every size and shape, including some really scary looking ones with piercing and tattoos (that must have hurt!). Mine wasn't the smallest. It was just one dick among many.

My point is you need to accept yourself before you lose the fear that others will not accept you. Putting yourself in a situation where you have nothing to hide is a great place to start. Make sure you do it legally though or you could find your time in jail and as luck would have it your cellmate will likely have a 12" club and nowhere else to put it butt...

Anyway, choice 2 is the way to go. Enjoy what you have and learn to use it the best you can!

Please answer this, I can't find the thread!!

LMAO Vixen you sexy thang, your too funny!!

I wanna know is there a proper way to pick one's nose so that all aggravating materiel enclosed within can be extracated with one swipe? I haven't seen this posted before and this situation is just driving me mad. I have a phobia that I will be on a date with my dream girl and in between the fish and asparagus she will notice something, and flee in disgust. Please, ya gotta help me. Don't let my future crumble with the scream of an innocent woman !!!

Re: Please answer this, I can't find the thread!!

TexasBadboy said:

LMAO Vixen you sexy thang, your too funny!!

I wanna know is there a proper way to pick one's nose so that all aggravating materiel enclosed within can be extracated with one swipe? I haven't seen this posted before and this situation is just driving me mad. I have a phobia that I will be on a date with my dream girl and in between the fish and asparagus she will notice something, and flee in disgust. Please, ya gotta help me. Don't let my future crumble with the scream of an innocent woman !!!

Click to expand...

lol! You crack me up!

I would assume the best way to pick your nose is to cover your finger with a Kleenex, and then it'll both absorb the wetter boogers, and you can scrape out the more solid stuff. And it'll be lotiony soft, if it's a Kleenex ultra!


*giggle*

Jeez, vixenshe, how dare you be so judgmental!!

Re: Re: Please answer this, I can't find the thread!!

vixenshe said:

lol! You crack me up!

I would assume the best way to pick your nose is to cover your finger with a Kleenex, and then it'll both absorb the wetter boogers, and you can scrape out the more solid stuff. And it'll be lotiony soft, if it's a Kleenex ultra!


*giggle*

Click to expand...

Or I could just reinact the role in "Blazing Saddles" and say.....


"Scuze me while I whip this out"!!!

Practical Nose picking advice

This is a question that I am often asked and of course I have good advice for this too.

Most people that are frustrated with their efforts at rhinotillexismania either approach the action with too little vigor (which allows the embarrassing stuff to manifest itself at inappropriate times) or are so violent that they actually cause injury. The offending material (which actually serves a healthy purpose of trapping impurities and germs) congregates among the tiny hairs inside your nose. Many people attempt to solve the problem by plucking out these hairs, but this is a serious mistake. It is a well-known scientific fact that pulling the little hairs from the inside of your nose is actually quite dangerous. The veins are actually quite fragile here and this blood flow is important to healthy functioning of the brain.

What you can do is clip these hairs with a special scissor-like apparatus called a rhinotillexismaniapreventis which is available at Home Depot or Lowe's in the plumbing section. This is how you use it.

First you must excuse yourself to the restroom. There you run hot water and soap and fill up your palm. You inhale this soapy hot water into your nasal passages and spit it out. This may take several times, but this effort will clean all lose material from your nasal passages. Then you cover first one nostril and then the other and blow _very_ violently into the sink. Repeat the process perhaps five times until the material that is forthcoming is greatly reduced.

Then you produce the rhinotillexismaniapreventis which you use to carefully trim all the forehairs that protrude forth from your nostrils back to some depth.

Inspect your face, your neck, your arms, and your clothing for any sign of your efforts and remove them (the signs of your efforts, not your neck etc and your clothing).

You may now return to your table.

Re: Practical Nose picking advice

mgouker said:

This is a question that I am often asked and of course I have good advice for this too.

Most people that are frustrated with their efforts at rhinotillexismania either approach the action with too little vigor (which allows the embarrassing stuff to manifest itself at inappropriate times) or are so violent that they actually cause injury. The offending material (which actually serves a healthy purpose of trapping impurities and germs) congregates among the tiny hairs inside your nose. Many people attempt to solve the problem by plucking out these hairs, but this is a serious mistake. It is a well-known scientific fact that pulling the little hairs from the inside of your nose is actually quite dangerous. The veins are actually quite fragile here and this blood flow is important to healthy functioning of the brain.

What you can do is clip these hairs with a special scissor-like apparatus called a rhinotillexismaniapreventis which is available at Home Depot or Lowe's in the plumbing section. This is how you use it.

First you must excuse yourself to the restroom. There you run hot water and soap and fill up your palm. You inhale this soapy hot water into your nasal passages and spit it out. This may take several times, but this effort will clean all lose material from your nasal passages. Then you cover first one nostril and then the other and blow _very_ violently into the sink. Repeat the process perhaps five times until the material that is forthcoming is greatly reduced.

Then you produce the rhinotillexismaniapreventis which you use to carefully trim all the forehairs that protrude forth from your nostrils back to some depth.

Inspect your face, your neck, your arms, and your clothing for any sign of your efforts and remove them (the signs of your efforts, not your neck etc and your clothing).

You may now return to your table.

Click to expand...

When I find the "One" you can be best man LMAO!!!!!

TexasBadBoy:

Oh, my friend, that might be a terrible mistake. I give some powerfully bad advice at times. This week, for instance, if you think you have met "the One" I would advise you to run as fast as you can. I have met "the One" and she is like all the others, but she is inside of you and it can be both so rewarding and so very painful.

On the other hand, port wine never breaks your heart.

My best to you and yours!

Peace from Florida,

Michael (never completely serious, btw)

vixenshe said:

You're right. I should have the self-restraint not to read the multiple threads. Call it a train-wreck. Can't help but look.

Click to expand...

Oh, you snotty snotty woman. Maybe the advice regarding rhinotillexismania should be reread?

You know, Superhighway rubbernecking could lead to arrogance... or maybe it was that it leads to incredibly amusing exposes that bring the idiots of society stampeding to defend themselves?

Ack! Someone save me!! I think my 18 month old is gleaning advice from a computer he rarely sees on!! I'm feeling myself... strangely... seduced.... oh wait. I think his dad's home. Nevermind!

Ang