LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Unhealthy Dominance

A

A Desert Rose

Simply Charming Elsewhere
Joined
Aug 16, 2002
Posts
13,997
A previous Dom of mine behaved in a couple of the ways described below. Emotional blackmail and withdrawl was one of the most prevelant aspects of his behavior. (Needless to say, this among other things is the reason he is a PREVIOUS Dom.)

(From the website, http://www.submissiveloving.com/fakedoms.html)

1) Controlling behavior due to fear of losing their partner.

A) Isolating the submissive from family and friends
B) Discouraging self sufficient behavior
C) Not allowing any social interaction which does not include the dominant
D) Out of control jealousy

2) Explosive temper

3) Behaves like a spoiled child when not getting his/her way

4) Abuses drugs/alcohol

5) Does not take responsibility for mistakes

6) Uses unhealthy behavior to gain control over the submissive

A) Emotional blackmail
example: Keeping the submissive in a constant state of fear that the relationship will end if they don't get their way.

B) Emotional Withdrawal
example: Using the "silent treatment" or physically withdrawing and cutting off all contact rather than communicating and taking responsibility for the situation.

C) Withdrawal of affection

Refusing any/all intimacy as a punishment which can be quite damaging and reinforces the fear that the submissive will lose the relationship unless he/she gives into this type of blackmail.
~~~~~~~~~

I would be interested in others' opinions on this topic, if you feel you have any thing to add or find it a topic of interest.



If not, move along.... there's nothing to see here. ;-)

(edited for grammatical error.)
 
Last edited:
These types abound both in and out of the lifestyle. The list is the perfect description of a DV abuser....they operate on non-consensual TPE to feed their insecurities in their own worth. Problem is it only reinforces that insecurity, so they have to maintain the pressure.

Catalina
 
Johnny Mayberry said:
Kick those people in the jimmy!(or squishy, as the case may be...)
Click to expand...

I kind of did that.... lol.... as I was heading out the door at top speed.
 
As a form of punishment, I know that many Dom/me's use withdrawl, especially in online relationships. They will ignore the sub and make him/her suffer the effects of being without their affection and attention.

Until I read this website, I thought that was an acceptable form of punishment. Now I agree with them (the writers of this website) that it is blackmail and it is not healthy to an D/s relationship.
 
A Desert Rose said:
As a form of punishment, I know that many Dom/me's use withdrawl, especially in online relationships. They will ignore the sub and make him/her suffer the effects of being without their affection and attention.

Until I read this website, I thought that was an acceptable form of punishment. Now I agree with them (the writers of this website) that it is blackmail and it is not healthy to an D/s relationship.
Click to expand...
I would disagree with you slightly on this one...I feel that this can be an appropriate punishment within limits, and in the proper context. For instance, if my submissive pisses me off, I see nothing wrong with sending her to another room, out of my sight. I would relax, have a couple of BEERS, let her think about what she has done, and then call her back into the room and discuss what the fault was, and how to correct it in the future.
 
sounds like abuse to me

I used to work in a social service agency that dealt with domestic violence, and those all sound like typical characteristics of abusers.

I don't think withdrawal used as a punishment is the same kind of emotional withdrawal described here. This is talking about emotional withdrawal to avoid communicating and taking responsibility for the situation. If withdrawal is used as a punishment, shouldn't the Dom still be communicating with the sub before and/or after as well as accepting responsibility for His actions? On the surface these two situations may look sort of similar, but I think they are really two totally different things.

Magdalene
 
Johnny Mayberry said:
I would disagree with you slightly on this one...I feel that this can be an appropriate punishment within limits, and in the proper context. For instance, if my submissive pisses me off, I see nothing wrong with sending her to another room, out of my sight. I would relax, have a couple of BEERS, let her think about what she has done, and then call her back into the room and discuss what the fault was, and how to correct it in the future.
Click to expand...

You know, I agree with you, in the way you have described it.

But I have been ignored online by my previous Dom as a form of punishment and there was no communication or contact and that is to me, painful and counter-productive.

In a real time relationship, a time out (or away) is a good thing to cool heads off and give the Dom the opportunity to control His emotions. A good Dom keeps His emotions under control and does what He has to for that to happen. If that means sending His sub away for a bit, then so be it.

(I feel possessed by the spirit of Jean Luc Picard and Martha Stewart here. I beg your pardons.)
 
Re: sounds like abuse to me

magdalene said:
I used to work in a social service agency that dealt with domestic violence, and those all sound like typical characteristics of abusers.

I don't think withdrawal used as a punishment is the same kind of emotional withdrawal described here. This is talking about emotional withdrawal to avoid communicating and taking responsibility for the situation. If withdrawal is used as a punishment, shouldn't the Dom still be communicating with the sub before and/or after as well as accepting responsibility for His actions? On the surface these two situations may look sort of similar, but I think they are really two totally different things.

Magdalene
Click to expand...

Well said. Better than I did.

Thank you for this post. ;-)
 
My ex husband did most of those things (apart from the drugs/alcohol). That is the reason he is my EX. He is not a Dom though, he is just an ass :mad:
 
A lot of people do things that I think are simply exploitative in the name of "service."

I've never really found withdrawl of attention to be a good behavioral control. However, I will sometimes go to the next room and say nothing until I'm in a mindframe to communicate, that kind of short term ignore has that tangible benefit.
 
Re: sounds like abuse to me

magdalene said:
...If withdrawal is used as a punishment, shouldn't the Dom still be communicating with the sub before and/or after as well as accepting responsibility for His actions?...Magdalene
Click to expand...


ABSOLUTELY~~~ this Dom would be a very good Dom.... perhaps even fitting the description of "The Formal Dom/mes" as in Shadowsdream's thread... as One with integrity, and truth~~ egoless...


withdrawal as punishment w/o communication between the two...
I can only think of two reasons for this behavior:
inexperience
and/or lack of integrity
 
Bandit58 said:
My ex husband did most of those things (apart from the drugs/alcohol). That is the reason he is my EX. He is not a Dom though, he is just an ass :mad:
Click to expand...

LOL... "just an ass." To this I can relate.
 
Netzach said:
A lot of people do things that I think are simply exploitative in the name of "service."

I've never really found withdrawl of attention to be a good behavioral control. However, I will sometimes go to the next room and say nothing until I'm in a mindframe to communicate, that kind of short term ignore has that tangible benefit.
Click to expand...

As I said to Johnny, I think in a real life situation what you both say is a viable choice: In a real time relationship, a time out (or away) is a good thing to cool heads off and give the Dom the opportunity to control His emotions. A good Dom keeps His emotions under control and does what He has to for that to happen. If that means sending His sub away for a bit, then so be it.

I think, however that online with a Dom who disappears for God knows how long with no word or explanation is not a productive means of control or dominance.
 
A Desert Rose said:
As I said to Johnny, I think in a real life situation what you both say is a viable choice: In a real time relationship, a time out (or away) is a good thing to cool heads off and give the Dom the opportunity to control His emotions. A good Dom keeps His emotions under control and does what He has to for that to happen. If that means sending His sub away for a bit, then so be it.

I think, however that online with a Dom who disappears for God knows how long with no word or explanation is not a productive means of control or dominance.
Click to expand...
I get what you are saying...even online, it can be effective with the proper communication both before and after a period of silence. If my submissive causes me serious displeasure online, I can even then say "you have disappointed me by your actions, I think you should reflect on your actions alone, and I will contact you when I am ready to talk again."

What is the cheat is to disappear for no reason, for an undisclosed amount of time, just to jerk someone around, which I think is what you were talking about.
 
I quite agree ADR for myself I drink too much for the socially aware and politically correct.

I cannot disagree with any of the other points apart from a time apart as has been said here as long as there is a point to it with good communication making sure there is a worthy reason. I would never leave my lady without contact of some sort for more than 24 hours anyway.

Abuse of any sort is bad it must always communicate and have any punishment to be worthwhile it must be constructive
 
Johnny Mayberry said:
What is the cheat is to disappear for no reason, for an undisclosed amount of time, just to jerk someone around, which I think is what you were talking about. [/QUOTE

LOL....this can have interesting effects for the Dominant with a submissive on a mission. I had one very nice D (well so he seemed in many ways) in the US who pulled this one on me, seemingly without reason. No communication, no warning, just clod turkey after a long conversation outliniing his plans for our meeting and how positive he felt about it all.

Well the first couple of days I sweated worried something might have hapened to him, but then the E-cards I sent were being collected, his handle was popping up in the chat members online at the site where we met and at the same time he usually checked in, and my messenger kept telling me he was online then mysteriously he would disappear. Didn't take long to decide for wahtever reason only he knew he was playing games and I was no longer interested as I was serious about finding the one for me, so I continued searching and meeting people.

He was not a happy boy when he just popped up on my messenger window talking like nothing had happened to find I had moved on. He swore (after the initial no explanation 'hi') that he had been in a bad accident at work and it must have been his grown son dropping in and picking up his mail and using his handle on the site and messenger, and not telling him I had left messages on his phone expressing my concern for his welfare. Yeah right!! He has admitted his regret about losing me, and tried to win back my loyalty, but I suspect it was more about loss of face after telling all his friends he had a slave he was going to collar, then blowing it stupidly. Unlike me, he was one of the ones who hoped to find the submissive of their dreams in his backyard, and I suspect he was using that time trying again to find her and didn't. His loss, my gain.:D

Catalina
Click to expand...
 
The 'dom', here a male, is to have 'transferred' to him, lotsa power, or 'total power.'

Yet he's to be a healthy sensitive communicative guy, and the relationship is to be 'healthy' as in every manual and 'how to' relationship book, lots of intimacy, back and forth, kindness, attentiveness to each other's feelings etc.

The only way is, obviously, that he's such a healthy, ethical, mature guy that, in the absence of what these same manuals insist on --power sharing, democracy--he doesn't take advantage, become 'controlling', selfish and all the other bad things mentioned as occuring in 'unhealthy' relationships.

Oh, and the disclipline he gives is supposed to be up-to-the-minute enlightened and healthy, lotsa talk, gentle, just like in the best child rearing manuals, never more than five minute's 'time out': nothing arbitrary; excessive; or done without the mental health of the disiplinee in mind; no undue exercise of power or force.

Why is the new relation (esp. if full time) with different 'power' set-up, based in the perverse urges, to be judged with exactly the same standards of 'health' as laid out by Dr Phil and Oprah?

Just wondering; no doubt there some obvious explanation I've just not aware of.

J.
 
Last edited:
A Desert Rose said:
I think, however that online with a Dom who disappears for God knows how long with no word or explanation is not a productive means of control or dominance.
Click to expand...


Not to mention it's often a sign of a Dom who's MARRIED and has to vanish for a bit to hide it from his wife :rolleyes:
 
Pure said:
The 'dom', here a male, is to have 'transferred' to him, lotsa power, or 'total power.'

Yet he's to be a healthy sensitive communicative guy, and the relationship is to be 'healthy' as in every manual and 'how to' relationship book, lots of intimacy, back and forth, kindness, attentiveness to each other's feelings etc.

The only way is, obviously, that he's such a healthy, ethical, mature guy that, in the absence of what these same manuals insist on --power sharing, democracy--he doesn't take advantage, become 'controlling', selfish and all the other bad things mentioned as occuring in 'unhealthy' relationships.

Oh, and the disclipline he gives is supposed to be up-to-the-minute enlightened and healthy, lotsa talk, gentle, just like in the best child rearing manuals, never more than five minute's 'time out': nothing arbitrary; excessive; or done without the mental health of the disiplinee in mind; no undue exercise of power or force.

Why is the new relation (esp. if full time) with different 'power' set-up, based in the perverse urges, to be judged with exactly the same standards of 'health' as laid out by Dr Phil and Oprah?

Just wondering; no doubt there some obvious explanation I've just not aware of.

J.
Click to expand...

Yes he is all that and more, but I am not sure as to the 'gentle' discipliie or pain giving aspect.....my body right now is not saying 'gee that was nice and gentle', more like 'oowee baby, this is going to hurt for the next week or so'...just the way I like it.:D

Catalina:rose:
 
a very good point

Pure said:
The 'dom', here a male, is to have 'transferred' to him, lotsa power, or 'total power.'

Yet he's to be a healthy sensitive communicative guy, and the relationship is to be 'healthy' as in every manual and 'how to' relationship book, lots of intimacy, back and forth, kindness, attentiveness to each other's feelings etc.

The only way is, obviously, that he's such a healthy, ethical, mature guy that, in the absence of what these same manuals insist on --power sharing, democracy--he doesn't take advantage, become 'controlling', selfish and all the other bad things mentioned as occuring in 'unhealthy' relationships.

Oh, and the disclipline he gives is supposed to be up-to-the-minute enlightened and healthy, lotsa talk, gentle, just like in the best child rearing manuals, never more than five minute's 'time out': nothing arbitrary; excessive; or done without the mental health of the disiplinee in mind; no undue exercise of power or force.

Why is the new relation (esp. if full time) with different 'power' set-up, based in the perverse urges, to be judged with exactly the same standards of 'health' as laid out by Dr Phil and Oprah?

Just wondering; no doubt there some obvious explanation I've just not aware of.

J.
Click to expand...

Pure. I first laughed. Ironic. You really do make excellent points. It *is* a tall order I think to be Dominant and "healthy" ...at least successfully. My gut would be to say the two can't coexist and many failed relationships can attest to that, but the fact is -- I am seeing it with my own eyes now with my first dominant man. Maybe one aspect or the other isn't real or maybe we can't all be all, all of the time but enough of the time for the mix to work. Your point on total power, is well taken - at least by me.

Imp.
 
I think the point of TPE is understanding the reality and accepting that, not taking it lightly, nor trying to equate it with a vanilla world. It is not for everyone, nor is it all hearts and flowers romance, but it is that and more if you have the right partner and it is what you seek. In the last 24 hours I have handed over any last remnants of power I might have clung to, and though I trust him, I am both fearful and excited as I fully expect he will take advantage of the power I have now relinguished to his hands....it is what I really want no matter how difficult it will be at times, or how terrifying. The beauty in this is he understands this part of me which so closely reflects his complimentary needs.

Catalina:heart:
 
Pure said:
The 'dom', here a male, is to have 'transferred' to him, lotsa power, or 'total power.'

Yet he's to be a healthy sensitive communicative guy, and the relationship is to be 'healthy' as in every manual and 'how to' relationship book, lots of intimacy, back and forth, kindness, attentiveness to each other's feelings etc.

The only way is, obviously, that he's such a healthy, ethical, mature guy that, in the absence of what these same manuals insist on --power sharing, democracy--he doesn't take advantage, become 'controlling', selfish and all the other bad things mentioned as occuring in 'unhealthy' relationships.

Oh, and the disclipline he gives is supposed to be up-to-the-minute enlightened and healthy, lotsa talk, gentle, just like in the best child rearing manuals, never more than five minute's 'time out': nothing arbitrary; excessive; or done without the mental health of the disiplinee in mind; no undue exercise of power or force.

Why is the new relation (esp. if full time) with different 'power' set-up, based in the perverse urges, to be judged with exactly the same standards of 'health' as laid out by Dr Phil and Oprah?

Just wondering; no doubt there some obvious explanation I've just not aware of.

J.
Click to expand...

I think purpose is relevant in seeming contradictions like this, Pure. Is the dominant's ultimate purpose to get his rocks off, which might best be served by capricious, inconsistent, and/or destructive "discipline"? Or does he, upon experiencing a dilemma with his submissive, want to fix the problem and possibly ensure it doesn't happen again? (How much longer could the dominant continue to get his rocks off if problems like this are not dealt with? How many submissive prospects does the dominant have lined up to take the place of the current agitated and emotionally-unfulfilled submissive?)

It is kind of a form of emotional blackmail in itself--"I know your first and natural tendency is to make yourself happy by meeting my misbehavior with wanton cruelty, but if my emotional needs are not properly attended to as we correct this problem in a suitable and not-unnecessary fashion, then I will leave you to find someone who WILL." But that's the "subs are people too" mentality for ya. ;)

Which is why I don't really believe "Doms have unlimited power" propaganda. Give and take, lose a little to gain a lot. It's not as romantic, perhaps, but it's mostly necessary.
 
Pure said:
The 'dom', here a male, is to have 'transferred' to him, lotsa power, or 'total power.'

Yet he's to be a healthy sensitive communicative guy, and the relationship is to be 'healthy' as in every manual and 'how to' relationship book, lots of intimacy, back and forth, kindness, attentiveness to each other's feelings etc.

The only way is, obviously, that he's such a healthy, ethical, mature guy that, in the absence of what these same manuals insist on --power sharing, democracy--he doesn't take advantage, become 'controlling', selfish and all the other bad things mentioned as occuring in 'unhealthy' relationships.

Oh, and the disclipline he gives is supposed to be up-to-the-minute enlightened and healthy, lotsa talk, gentle, just like in the best child rearing manuals, never more than five minute's 'time out': nothing arbitrary; excessive; or done without the mental health of the disiplinee in mind; no undue exercise of power or force.

Why is the new relation (esp. if full time) with different 'power' set-up, based in the perverse urges, to be judged with exactly the same standards of 'health' as laid out by Dr Phil and Oprah?

Just wondering; no doubt there some obvious explanation I've just not aware of.

J.
Click to expand...

Every word you type is a black arrow through the heart of false domination, Jay.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Oralexplorer
What does being a Dominant mean to me?
Replies
2
Views
343
Oralexplorer
Oralexplorer
E
A Submissive Dom?
2
Replies
45
Views
2K
HansKessler
H
C
Question for Submissives...
2 3
Replies
73
Views
5K
amx99
A
Liberia
Newbie has some questions / Am I a sub?
2 3
Replies
69
Views
2K
Liberia
Liberia
Bilquis_xo
Just starting out..
Replies
18
Views
2K
Havanawang
H
Back
Top