Workshop: Colleen Thomas, review thread

Due to the length of this story, the workshop has been separated into two different threads: one for review and one for the story itself. While this is a little more inconvenient when it comes to replying with quotations from the text, it does make things a lot simpler when going through the reviews and discussing the story itself. A helpful tip is to have two browser windows open at the same time. If the windows are sized so that they each take up half of the screen and you place them side by side, you can scroll through the story and respond in the review thread with relative ease.

Please make all commentary in this thread! The story thread itself is locked, it's just to read.

The story clocks in at just over 19,000 words by Word's count. That equals roughly 4 Lit pages. Don't let the length of the story daunt you!

The Story

Click here to reach the story thread

From the Author

I never thought I would ever get the courage up to ask for feedback, much less a workshop, but this one needs it. In deference to Dr. M it's long, around 5 lit pages or perhaps six and the content is lesbian.

Specifically:

1. Are the background of war and the violence portrayed simply too dark for an erotic work? Or are they too much for my talent to overcome?

2. The story moves quickly near the end with several scenes seaparated by long intervals of time. Does this work and is there a less intrusive way to show a shift scene and passage of time than the --- I currently use?

3. Do the sex scenes work as soft counter points to the violence and chaos of war? Are the character's and their relationship believeable or too contrived?

Thanks,

Colly

Well, I know Colleen has been dreading a review for a long time, and I'm glad to see she's overcome her trepidation and submitted something.

The good news is, the writing's fine. The bad news is, in my opinion, there's too much of it, and that's my main criticism of the piece. I think it's unnecessarily verbose.

I clipped one example for this. This is an excerpt:
-------------------
Danuta was shivering uncontrollably and her lips were blue. Annika knew she had to do something quickly to warm her up. Above the ground floor of the barn was a hayloft. Annika stared at the ladder with some doubt. She knew they had to get out of sight, but she was not sure her companion could climb. Annika also felt that she was too weak to carry the girl, but she had no option now. She practically dragged Danuta to the ladder, the girl was not totally conscious and making her understand what Annika wanted proved difficult. She finally seemed to grasp what Annika was saying and woodenly began to climb. Annika shouldered all of the gear, including the Submachine gun and wearily started up after her.
-----------------------
What you're basically saying in this paragraph was that Danuta was exhuasted and freezing cold and that Annika forced her to climb up into the hayloft. I think this could have been shown by an image or two, maybe Annika shoving a groggy Danuta up the ladder as she looks anxiously over her shoulder and urges her on. That's all. We can pretty well figure out from that what's going on.

There's a lot of this kind of thing in the story, and it not only slows down the action considerably, but it muffles the real points of high drama by burying them in prose. One vivid image of a man getting shot is worth ten paragraphs on the machanics of shooting him. The first kiss in the barn is eloquent in itself. I hate to see you turn around and start telling us what it means and what the girls thought of it.

I should say at this point that I haven't finished the story yet. I might be the most impatient reader in all of Lit, so I found it pretty tough going after awhile.

I also wonder is you have to open the story with her killing 5 Nazi's and describing each shot. Killing one man is a pretty intense experience, I would think, no matter how hardened you are. Killing five just diminishes the meaning of each death. Less is more in this case.

Likewise when you tell us about Annika's own rape. I don't think you have to spell out for us exactly what happened. First of all, with a bunch of soldiers running wild in her village, I thgink most readers would know what happened to her. And then, in my experience at least, we tend to remember truly traumatic events like that is terms of some little detail that stands out, often something seemingly meaningless, but very sharp in our minds. Maybe she remembers how someone held her hands, or the feel of a man's unshaven face on her breasts, some vivid little detail that lets the reader imagine what she must have felt.

As I say, your writing is fine, but writing is also a matter of leaving things out in order to make what's left stand out more clearly. I just think this story needs to be trimmed.

In terms of what's happening, I was confused when the two girls were talking. I believe Annika asked Danuka if she'd ever had any lovers (lesbian lovers?) and Danuka shook her head. But then it turned out that she did have lovers, so something there wasn't clear to me.

Other continuity problems: it's snowing like crazy the next morning in Annika's camp, but Annika can see the Germans coming from a good ways off, and then we hear that it's foggy. And I didn't quite understand what happened when she came upon the tiger tank as they were fleeing the camp. It was there or it wasn't there?

I don't usually pick out spelling errors, but I did see "plutonic" for "platonic", and, while your knowledge of German weaponry is very impressive, you did misspell "Luger". No big deal.

Another thing you should be aware of, although maybe this is just somethging I'm sensitive to, is the use of contemporary expressions in a period piece like this. Annika gets "buzzed" from the schnapps, and has an adrenaline "rush". You're probably not old enough to know, but these are both fairly recent expressions.

Now: is war too brutal to use in an erotic piece? I don't think so. What bothered me more than the killing was knowing that Annika probably hadn't bathed since she'd been living in the field, and the hair that Danuka admired in the love scene must have been full of dirt and twigs, if not something worse.

If I have more to add after finishing the story, I'll let you know.

Best,

---dr.M.

Thanks Doc,

That didn't sting nearly as bad as I was expecting.

I think a competent wordsmith, anyone from the snippetville crew for example, could probably boil any of my stories down to two to three pages with ease. My long descriptive paragraphs are probably overkill, but I try to paint the scene for the reader in minute detail. Deciding where I can pare words and not loose the feel I wish to achive is one of the reasons I had this workshopped, hopefully I can get some pointers on how much is too much and what is and isn't essential.



I also wonder is you have to open the story with her killing 5 Nazi's and describing each shot.


The simple answer to your question is that five is the number of a tank crew. The TigerII could be opperated by four, but at significantly reduced effectiveness. During the German retreat many formations were often short of men, but it was rare indeed that a tank didn't have a full crew. Simply because it was warmer, more protectred and any man could serve as loader if tank lost a man they could easily replace him by moving the lowest man up a position and picking up a straggler to fill the loader position. I touched on this point with Annika noteing five was the regular crew and by noteing that the last man getting to the tank was a threat to her if he could get the main gun in action, which was less likely than just blasting away with the Machine gun.

That begs the question of why a tank, I can't see a single straggler, retreating across a hostile countryside dragging a captive along, I can see a tank crew being able to do so. I also wanted to show Annika as extremely capable. Most any shooter can kill a man from hiding at intermediate range, it takes someone very skilled to kill multiple targets with a bolt action rifle.


Likewise when you tell us about Annika's own rape. I don't think you have to spell out for us exactly what happened.

I think you are spot on here. The description is taken from a book that details the atrocities of the Enzatazgruppen. Most of the eye witness testimony I have read comes from statements to be used at Nuremberg and as I reread the passage it is perhaps to clinical and well recalled to be realistic.

Thanks on the spelling errors too, I try to go over works pretty thoroughly, but I always miss a few. Before I began this my knowledge of german weaponry was practically nil. Most of what I have to say is readily avialable online. I really attempt to make sure my facts are correct when I take on a historical work. I will defintely remove the contemporary words. I try to keep my period pieces free of them.

I know the work is long, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to muddle through it for me Doc. If you don't manage to finish it you have still given me a lot to work on and I really appreciate your insights.

-Colly

Wow, that's long.

[edited]

{Added: See my other postings below for some feedback/criticism based on reading a part of the story.}



J.

Dear Colly, I read your story twice. To respond to your questions first:

1. No, the war and violence fit the characters and their individual and coupled stories. You have obviously done fine research but it is not gratuitously inserted or revealed. It works very well, well enough that someone who has no interest in such fiction read every word and was impressed with the details and underlying connotations.

2. The end works fine too. It’s a relief and satisfies after the drama of the war time. It worked well enough that in my mind’s eye I was easily, and pleasantly, transported to Paris.

3. The sex scenes work as sex/lovemaking scenes. Working as ‘soft counter points’ to the war is irrelevant. They fit the story like gloves, like essential elements of the whole outfit. Your women are utterly believable, enchanting, arresting, arousing and made for each other.

If I knew this was going to be published I’d note the typos and misspellings, so I won’t; nothing particularly glaring and Mab. noted enough.

I want to remark on what impressed me substantively. Though the story is set half a century ago you infuse it with modern ideas that work, particularly on gender roles and the female mind or persona. I would be surprised to find a male writer who could have produced your women.

You write of small things that give a character weight, e.g., when Annika aims for a man’s head vs. his heart so that her lover can have a new unspoiled coat—it’s a tenderness that stands out like poetry amidst the landscape of horror.

In the loft you note just enough the smell of hay and earth that remind Annika of home—lovely. And I love that you wrote, “the girl’s fingers still worried her nipples”. I love that use of the verb for abstractions and you raise it to the erotic!

Danuka’s character is brilliantly revealed as she takes up the dominant role in lovemaking. It’s a brilliant pairing that you subtly evoke and demonstrate. In the loft especially I liked the significance of “without clothes the girl was asserting herself”, and “The girl’s hand slipped between their bodies and began to stroke the sniper’s thick luxurious pubic triangle. That is erotica, my dear. And this following bit adds immeasurably to understanding the lust of the moment—
“To a girl who was born to wealth and had seen the clubs in Berlin, the parlors in Paris, the glittering towers and domes of fabled Istanbul it seemed almost preposterous that she would be fulfilling her dream in a hayloft, on a farm in some unknown part of her native Poland with a Russian sniper who wouldn’t know a soup spoon from a salad fork. The irony combined with the overpowering relief from the fear she had felt earlier and the feeling of to form a heady mix, which in turn fueled her already enflamed lust.”

Lovely and sensual: “The Russian girl’s cream was very thick and slick and tasted like wild grapes, sweet but with a tartness that tingled on Danuta’s tongue. … She felt the silken walls of Annika’s passage clamp down on her finger and there was a moment of absolute stillness in the Russian girl’s body. With a wailing cry that startled the small woman Annika came unglued.” (Except for unglued, too ugly a word for the context; even undone would be better, but try something more elegant, for the girls’ sake, eh?)

Re. the character of your characters, I appreciated the clues to Annika’s, e.g., that she fought for ‘mother Russia’ vs. a politic, and that the loss of innocence was an integral catalyst to her violent pursuits. In them you show an intelligence to her, e.g., what she learned of her “prey and his tendencies”.

Very good example here: “Over time she had developed a keen sense of what the world should look like. Her eyes darted over the landscape before her, but some small thing tugged at her consciousness. Something was slightly wrong, slightly out of place. In a moment she realized what it was and her eye returned to the scope. She carefully surveyed the camp through the magnified view until she came to rest on a large boulder. There, at the very edge she found what had been out of place. A boot, or more precisely, the toe of one.”

Annika’s humanity, surviving even her loss of innocence, comes through simply in her compassion and mercy—for the “young men raised in the lies”, and for the fifth tank soldier.

Ah, and finally in Paris, I love Annika stirring the masses with her coat and trousers. Comment très chic! That's the dyke I'd be if I were one (haha).

You are a moral and philosophical writer, Colly. I guessed at this from your posts, now I know it. I admire you as a woman and writer. Fix the simple errors, don’t cut your story, post it and keep writing and letting me know when you post something new.

Best regards, Perdita

p.s. this has taken more time than expected so I am not proofing myself; excuse any faulty writing herein.

p.p.s. Not to denigrate them, but I would not take too seriously the boys' negative comments above, esp. given that they think the story too long for Lit. I was not fibbing when I said I read it twice - once for pleasure and once so that I could comment intelligently.

No problem Pure, I noted the length for precisely the reasons you and Dr. M have brought up. I did however want it workshopped by those who had the time and inclination. I know that it being so long I will recieve fewer responses, thanks for taking the time to galnce at it and make a comment.

-Colly

Perdita,

It took me a long time to get up the courage to ask KM to workshop this for me. The quality of critique here along with my own feelings of inadequacy to make this as hard, if not harder than posting my first work was.

I can't tell you how nice it was to read your kind response. It has made my day and brought a smile to my face

I do as much research as I can on historical pieces, I know that many readers won't appreciate them, but those who are knowledgeable won't be pulled out of the story by inaccuracies. I am glad they don't come across as being tossed out willy nilly for no purpose.

I will defintely change unglued to something that fits better. thanks again for the kind words and encouragement

-Colly

Hi Colleen

As one of the 'boys' mentioned above, I did read the first two thirds, and I comment below. I was perhaps overwhelmed with the task, upon first seeing it. Sorry if I sounded too harsh.

I did not say the story is too long per se, but questioned its being one of the main items of comment in this thread.

I think, now, having thought over the problem that a 5-10,000 word excerpt might be the way to go, if you want my revised opinion, KillerM. And a synopsis of the other parts.

Overall comments. A lot of the story reads rather well and holds attention, which is why I made it that far. The dramatic structure in the first part is well thought out; her mission of revenge.

There's a lot of research in the story, unless your grandparents were there; lots of knowledge of history and weaponry.

I think the central idea is workable, that A finds her sexuality and love, but have some problems with the implementation. Much of it is quite good, imo. Some of the very good sentences have been pointed out by the person posting above. I am aware of many erotic and well crafted ones, so don't take the list of errors as an index of my opinion; the issue is where to improve. The writer's own ear sometimes fails, or her fingers misstype, and that's what editors look for.

Please excuse the pickiness of some of these items, but they do detract from the impression, esp. when the errors are in the opening paragraphs. I'll put a * by or around your stuff. Or highlight your words with //xxxx//.

*soot marks could bee seen

typo

*had slowly blanketed the blasted landscape, blurring the sharp lines of shell craters and softening the outline of blasted trees.

style

*who's loved ones

grammar

*juggernaught

spelling

*men of the Wemacht

spelling

*tossing the striper clip into the snow.

typo

*Annika hated the German enemy, but she was not a heartless killing machine, at least not yet. She knelt by the boy and as she softly spoke to him she brought the Lugar to his head and killed him with a single shot. She was not often moved to mercy, but she still had feelings though she buried them deep. It was boys such as this, young men raised in the lies of the Fuehrer's Germany without a chance to know any better that she could still feel for.

This should become obvious to the reader, her 'heart.' Leave aside the apologetics "She's not really so mean and tough."

*Denied access to information, spoon-fed the Nazi party and its twisted racial philosophy, kept away from other peoples, other ideas, trained to kill without compunction. They were victims too; even as they were the perpetrators of heinous crimes they were also victims.

I find this not believable, esp. the second para ("Denied...). Who is the narrator; sounds like Walter Cronkite, CBS wartime news. Since the narrator is closely identified with A, I find the political commentary quite out of place. It would be enough to say she pitied a young boy caught up in something he probably didn't understand.

*despoiling them with the //calloused// indifference

grammar

*the sadists of the Einsatzgruppen. Special action groups, autonomous, ruthless and sadistic they had begun immediately to round up Jews, communists and other "undesirables". What followed would remain forever burned into her mind, an orgy of rape, murder and senseless destruction.

I could be wrong, here, but I have heard from those who encountered the Einsatzgruppen EGn, and also reviewed some of the mass of material on the 'net, archival stuff. The EGn were as you say, special groups that esp. rounded up Jews, and whatever Roma were around. Also partisans. There was a chain of command, and their reports are on file and summarized.

It's unclear to me why A's family or her are targeted. I don't see anything about A being Jewish, did I miss something?

The EGn were to create villages that were 'judenrein', not to terrorize every person.

Indeed the non Jews watched as Jews were singled out and rounded up. While I don't rule out an 'orgy', I think the EGn were generally quite focussed. They rounded up the undesirables, screening people one by one. If you read the testimony of one of the few survivors of Babi Yar, she was identified, stripped, lined up with others near a large ditch, and then everyone was machine gunned. The rest of the townspeople were not involved except as guilty, 'do nothing' bystanders.


*The Russian woman shrugged and heaved the girl up and onto her shoulder. //She had worked on a farm// until the war and heavy burdens were nothing new to her.

This is an obvious afterthought. You should have made A strong, and told why, earlier on.

*Annika did not know it, but she was coming to the end of her time as the angel of death. The hate inside of her had nearly burned itself out and the better instincts were trying now to overcome it. Her gesture of mercy had been the first victory of her better nature. The girl was a catalyst for change, but she did not know this yet either.

I object to this editorializing, and detailed foreshadowing. Let the story work itself out, and the reader will figure the 'turning points'.

*shot of the snapps.

typo

*tying to convince herself

typo

*"I did not think you could forget that, ignore it perhaps but not forget,"

*"You can forget." Annika assured her, "Kindness becomes weakness and weakness means death. It isn't that hard. All of the conventions of society are unnatural. Kindness, mercy, faith, love they are all unknown in the animal world,"

I find this and a couple other parts of conversation highly stilted. Or as if on a university campus. I don't see how the 16 year old girl, long a sniper, is able to reflect on convention and put it so neatly, like an undergrad anthropology student.


*She was feeling relaxed, content and a little buzzed.
[M mentioned this. The narrator is inconsistent, between uneducated sniper, philosopher, and hip young person of the later 20th century.

*before the Nazi's took over.

grammar.

*I went to galleries, the opera, saw museums and Cathedrals, read the classics. You cannot imagine the beauty that I found in those magical two years. I also discovered the nightlife, the cafes, bistros, clubs and restaurants. I discovered much about the world, and more importantly I discovered much about myself. I found there were clubs and publications for people like me…"

This is the segue into the lesbian theme, and it's not bad, and you're clever to have it pass by A. But maybe a bit too obvious to the reader, in the phrase "people like myself."


*it's crisp bark

grammar


*There was noting to see, no landmarks of any kind

typo

*and soon Annika was lost in the seemingly //tractless// whiteness.

can't find word in dictionary.

*She began to become cognizant of the girl lying in her arms.

narrator is now an Oxford graduate.

*"And here I was worrying about being too forward. The answer to your question is yes, I have had many lovers. In Berlin I spent many nights at a club that catered to women such as myself. I was young then and attractive so I did not lack for willing bedmates,"

Again, I'm a person of another time, but I find this a bit blunt, overly detailed, given its target, a fairly uneducated person with no positive sexual experience (essentially a virgin).

*"What did you do?" Annika asked. The girl looked deeply into Annika's eyes and then lowered her lips to Annika's. This time when the girl's tongue invaded her mouth Annika kissed back. Their tongues twined and slipped against each other in a sensuous manner that soon had Annika breathing hard. Danuta broke the kiss and pulled her face back slightly.

I find this 'pornish' writing. It is surprising (out of place). To me.

*It felt //incredible// and Annika moaned softly into the girl's mouth.

modern stock teen phrase.


*Danuta then moved her hand and seized Annika's nipple between her fingers. She began to squeeze and roll the sensitive bud and her kiss became more demanding. Annika felt a tightness that seemed to be growing at the small of her back. Every caress of her suddenly aching nipple sent electric thrills of pleasure through her.

I find the detail rather much; stock phrases.


*An hour later she //lucked into// finding the small stream that ran near her camp. It still took forty-five minutes in the nearly// impeneatrable// dark before she found it.

modern talk. typo

*polish tank.

typo, repeated a few times.

===
Style:
In some passages, far too many sentences with "Annike" as subject; the variation of "the Russian" is not sufficient.

Para beginning:*The girl shot her a look that would have killed,...

===

Back to the big picture and the question of the erotic and the war backdrop.

I feel it's fairly inconsistent. The grim stuff--somewhat sharpened and condensed as dr. m says-- should be balanced by a tender love scene, described sparingly, not a porn scene.

Not being lesbian, but. ... I felt, here, 'set up.' (Oh, I see where she [author] has been going; where she is going.) There are a number of lesbian porn stories with exotic settings (or porn stories generally that try for novelty by picking an exotic ). I think you want to avoid that impression.

I find the sexual detail often done in too lascivious a way, in year 2000 literotica terminology. If A is really finding sexuality and lust, I'm not sure she's going to be thinking about the reaction of each part of her anatomy.

As I said earlier, there is not a bad intro to the lesbian activity, the kiss, etc, also the 'warming up scene.' But it is handled, as the story unfolds, with less and less delicacy as things progress. Sorry to say, but in the final lead-up to climax, as if to titillate the reader.

And there is much editorializing about A's experiences with sex, and knowledge of 'that kind of woman.'

Imo, having not written a lesbian story, the innocence of A should be kept in mind. Her perhaps being a bit 'swept away' and the reader not hearing of her clitoral state so much. By the same token, Danuta needn't be quite so 'expert', after all, she's only 22 or so, and it's 1944. When was she clubbing? 1938? That makes her 16 or so, so I don't see how much of a lesbian expert and 'woman of the world' she could be. (The 'bottom' to 'top' switch is interesting, but could be a little less sophisticated in description.)

Iow, the sex scenes, early on, are an _'expert' shows the newcomer about sex scenario'_, as much as love story, but too much a formula, imo. (This is rather well done by Alice Walker, in The Color Purple, were Celie is instructed about lesbian activity and sex.) Iow, why not have D learn a bit too, and avoid the formula of expert and pupil.

So. Lots of talent. Lots of fine writing. Lots of background knowledge. Need to refine the writing. Clarify the narrator's pov and vocabulary. Make the sex scenes a little more 'romantic', and less pornish(see below at ##). It is basically a romance, is it not?

Best of luck.

J.

If you're correcting, here's the rest of the miscellaneous small probs that I saw:
----

*long 7.92mmm shells

typo

*Reich's marcs,

typo

*the puckered aureole

spelling

*a cute button nose

informal style

*Danuta had long realized her personality was dichotomous.

odd word choice, formal style

*had clamed herself

typo 'clammed'?

*in it's quest

grammar

[##]
*for this sweetness did not venture too close to the Russian's straining clit.

overripe! ouch!

=====
[end list of probs, first 2/3 of story]

Colly,

your PM box is full. Thought this'd be the best place to post.

Perdita

Thanks Perdita, i didn't know it could get full

Colly,

I've got good news and I've got bad news. You're a very good writer. Possibly the best first-timer I remember in my two years on the board. That's both good and bad news because it means you'll be held to a higher standard than most Lit writers including all the new ones.

You've already had two first-rate critques by both Perdita and Pure. Although Perdita's was very complimentary, it was also very good because she pointed specifically what she liked and then told you why. The critique from Pure was also good because he looked for things not to like and gave you details and reason for what he thought might be flaws.

IMHO, your story isn't too long, but it is too wordy. This is a ticklish, style issue (Proust ain't Hemingway) but maybe I've got a few examples of what I'm talking about.

In the first paragraph, mention was made of a, "...monster Panther tank...." In paragraph three, another German tank was called a, "...mammoth Tiger...."

The following sentence appears in paragraph two. "Faceless men who had died in this little corner of hell and who’s loved ones would never know what happened to them." IMHO, "how" could replace "what happened to them" and while this is a subjective, style judgement, it would make the sentence stronger.

While I'm not as opposed to your omniscient narrator as Pure, IMHO, you sometimes overuse that tool. (For what it's worth, I've also been accused of overusing it in my novels.) The modern trend is toward keeping their use to a minimum. Among the problems with O.N. is they can throw readers out of the story and they "tell" instead of "showing."

One last thing (honest) and this is also style related. As a guy who was a bullet launcher operator in Viet Nam, I think you're opening combat scenes are very good. But as a fellow writer I've got to point out they delay the beginning of the "real" story, which is about the relationship between the women, not about WWII ground combat.

Congratulations and keep up the good work.

Rumple

'lo again, Colly. I'm so glad Rumple joined in. Pure's on my ignore list so I can't read his remarks but I must go along with RF's comments. It's so difficult knowing just what to say, or not, to a new/young writer. I wanted to be sure you not edit yourself to serve lazy or inept readers, so I emphasized that your story was not too long, and it really isn't in 'the big picture' way.

But RF is correct about 'wordiness', and editing sentences, phrases; I'd add to that some unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, etc. is all. This is a particular old habit of mine too, I even apologise constantly for my effusiveness in personal correspondence!

The introductory scene is very good, but I'd give consideration to how much war detail to leave in vs. the marvelous characters and their relationship which is the heart of the piece.

Again, though I don't know what Pure has to say about your ON, I can't think how it doesn't work in your story but for Rumple's comments.

anon, Perdita

RF,

Thanks for your comments. The opening combat scene has been reworked countless times. There is so much about Annika that I wanted to show before I introduced the next character. I eventually settled on drawing out the opening scene and using it as a framework to develop the character, rather than just giving a simple summation of her circumstances, background and a few clues to her personal makeup. It creates an odd feeling for me, opening an erotic work with violence, which I consider the antithesis of the erotic.

I know I run long on my stories. I also know I end up with a lot of very odd consructions. Some of this is beacue I tend to write as if I was telling a story. Minor changes like you suggest to shorten the story looks like a great way to cut down on my excess verbiage and I appreciate it. It is such a simple approach that I wonder now why it never occured to me

Thanks again for taking the time to look at it,

-Colly

Colly,

Thanks again for taking the time to look at it,

Click to expand...

You're more than welcome. A lot of folks have done the same for me and as you can tell by looking at my own Workshop & Discussion threads, many still are.

The problem you had with introducing Annika is a very common one in fiction. There is no "right" way to handle that situation. Many writers use flashbacks so they can start at the beginning of the real story and then fill in the backstory details. Of course you're already using flashback to fill in the details of Annika's initial run-in with the bad guys. Perhaps that info could be transmitted later in dialogue between the two women.

Of the top of my pointy head, the only way I can think of avoiding the problem would require a fair amount of re-write. Annika comes across the girl just before the combat begins. That way you don't lose the dramatic combat scenes which show the reader an important aspect of her life and you've already introduced the other main character.

Just a thought. Now feel free to go beat-up on any of my stuff.

Rumple

I'm not sure I'd agree with Rumple to get the girl in earlier.

Meeting on the battlefield, on the run, under fire is a fine structure and premise. Those scenes bring out the 'hard' side of the character and the sexual history (in the bad sense).

I think, though, the getting to know has to be a little more nuanced, and even the 'falling in love' delayed. The nuance would come from having A a little less apt a pupil (after all, she's experienced only rape.) and having D a little less expert a teacher (she can only have had lesbian experiences as a teen).

Further the way could be a little rockier. (No foreshadowing: 'now she'd found her heart' 'now she's on her way back.') Not just kiss, cuddle, and superfuck. --Oh, so that's how lesbians do it! Did I ever come, just like a freight train.

That would even extend the story, for right now they have to tangle with the NKVD within a day of the nazis. The author is whacking us with more high drama. (I just saw part of "Matrix Reloaded" and had the same feeling, first one chase, then another, mortal peril after mortal peril.) If there were a little interlude in the woods, for instance.

The other source of nuance is for the writer and narrator to stay in close sync with A's thoughts, and allow for fluidity, ignorance, and wonderment, as opposed to clinical description, porn detail, and politically sophisticated analysis of nazi idealogy.

J.

First of all, I would like to mention a highly acclaimed novel by Romain Gary (1914-1980), a Lithuanian-born French writer, titled L'ÉDUCATION EUROPÉENNE (1945). A version of it was later issued in English as Nothing Important Ever Dies (1960). It is set in Poland during the German occupation and tells the story of a teenager living and growing up among the partisans. All the elements you too have in your story are there: descriptions of landscape, harsh weather, famine, wartime seriousness and ugliness and distractions, ambushes and death, and even love and sex -- all beautifully done. It will give you a sense what I'm holding you up against (I am a follower of dr.M.'s viewpoint on critiquing).


On to your own story. I did not read the whole thing. Something that long has to be (i) my cup of beverage (be it a stroke or literary piece) and (ii) really good to hold my attention.

My first impression was that the descriptions were overdone. Too many adjectives, too many images thrown around. It is too flowery and too busy. It's like you're trying too hard at it. I've italicized some of that in the first couple of paragraphs to show you what I mean.

Annika Kubolinkov lay still in the quickly deepening snow. Her white camouflage parka and neutrally colored trousers blended perfectly with the new fallen snow, rendering her nearly invisible in the pale evening light. She peered into the thickening gloom over the edge of a burned out tank track that had been thrown from a German machine after Red Army artillery had found its range early that morning. The monster Panther tank lay a few yards away, its blackened turret was askew and soot marks could bee seen at the hatches where the infernal fires had found an outlet. A burned corpse hung out of the top hatch and smoke still curled from the fires that had raged within. The heat of those fires had long since dissipated, but the huge chunk of metal made a good windbreak.

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"new fallen" snow = fresh snow?

It would read better this way:
... its blackened turret askew, soot marks at the hatches where...

The snow had been falling since midday and had slowly blanketed the blasted landscape, blurring the sharp lines of shell craters and softening the outline of blasted trees. Bodies too lay under that snow. Faceless men who had died in this little corner of hell and who’s loved ones would never know what happened to them. When Annika had taken up her position the area looked like pictures she had seen of no man’s land from the Great War. Now it reminded her of home. Home. Time and horror had so shattered her perception of that the very word sounded alien to her.

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Too many "blasted" in that first sentence.

"who's" = whose

How could the land remind her of WWI pictures when she first took her position but "now" of her home? In the span of minutes or a few hours presumably? Her home did not get burned in between, did it?

One hundred yards down range five men huddled next to another tank. This was one of the mammoth Tigers and the men steadily fed wood into a fire burning under it. The fire was to heat it up so they could start the engine in the morning. The frigid weather made oil freeze and they did not have the fuel to run the engine all night anymore. Once they had been the invincible juggernaught of Hitler’s Third Reich, now they were reduced to a decimated remnant of the glory days. Annika caressed the wooden stock of her rifle and rubbed the snow off of the sights. The rifle was special to her, almost like a lover. It was a German Mauser model 98K with a Zielfernrohre 39 scope. With it she had killed over seventy Germans since the red army entered Poland in late January.

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"juggernaut" = juggernaut

By the way, there are quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes throughout (not a huge issue, but it's there):
"it’s machine guns" = its
"confidant" = confident
"refuges" = refugees
"turned on the bodies of the Germans" = turned to?
"finished of her small feast" = finished off
"before the Nazi’s took over. " = Nazis

OK. Next point. Some of the stuff reads too much like history, like you're trying to educate the reader about too many things in too short a span. Example:

It was an impressive score for any sniper, but Annika would never appear in the newsreels in Moscow. [...] Annika held no rank in the Red Army, not that the Germans would have cared one way or the other as they did not recognize Red Army rank among partisans. She received no funding or training from the NKVD. She did not fight for Stalin, for Communism, nor for a commander, she fought for mother Russia.

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You also seem too fond of commentary.

Vengeance for her lost family, vengeance for her slaughtered village, vengeance for the brutal loss of her virginity, but most of all vengeance for her loss of innocence.

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This is not necessary. You'll go on and describe that scene and we'll get the point. Cut.

But those two paragraphs about her rape and the burning of her village are boring. You could have shown us (could be a mini-chapter itself if you wanted) but instead you chose to tell in the voice of a newscaster.

I understand you are setting the background, but you can't give all that stuff in paragraph after paragraph of telling. Either chop all that into one paragraph or liven it up.

Show us the "orgy of rape, murder," etc. A boot kicks in the door, shots fired in the air, a German guzzling down cheap vodka from a bottle, the father trying to plead with the invaders (not knowing the language), the bad guys laughing and pushing him outside saying "Raus! Raus!"

[By the way, the reason I mentioned Gary's novel is that he does very similar scenes to ones you're trying to do in your story (but with a much stronger effect).]

OK. On to the main setup of the story.

She killed them all, from hiding, from long range.

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How come? A teenager became a self-taught markswoman? Hardly likely. Seventy Germans killed? Maybe it's explained later, but when it appears I have a believability problem.

The average German soldier feared her...

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Did she leave a calling card? If a sniper fires at you, you don't know who it is. It could be a million different people firing at different units at different times.

On the plus side, that ambush where she kills the five Germans is quite skillfully done (with the exception of the editorializing about the blond boy and the mercy killing). The meeting with the girl, the walk back to the camp, all that is decent writing. But it's still a long "she did this" and "she thought that," and the editorializing is still there (" The girl was a catalyst for change, but she did not know this yet either. ")

When the dialogue kicks in, things brighten up considerably. Some of the exchanges sound a bit pompous, particularly Danuta's lines (“nowhere is safe in this world turned upside down," "you are all intruders here and I have been subjected to the tender mercies of both swine”) and you do lapse into telling sometimes ("Danuta seemed to be at a loss for words. She started to speak several times, but finally clamped her mouth shut and said nothing. ")

Also, why do you end dialogue lines with a comma? It should be a period:

“I’m sorry I snapped at you. I owe you my life and should be grateful to you. I…I’m not used to kindness and have forgotten how to respond to it I’m afraid,”

“Until I found you I thought I had forgotten how to be kind,”

“I did not think you could forget that, ignore it perhaps but not forget,”

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I skimmed through some of the rest and it seems better than the first half -- good pacing and interesting twists of plot. All in all, I would say it's an above average effort, if rather uneven throughout.

HS,

I have mentioned in a few threads I lived in fear of Critique from you and Dr. M. You didn't let me down. I know it's long, I really appreciate you taking a look at it. And even though it smarts, I really appreciate the honesty and corrections. I will do my best to fix at lest some of the problems.

I have never read the story you mentioned. the idea for this came to me while watching an old soviet propaganda film being aired on the history channel. I had no idea it had been done before. So much for an original idea. Oh well, back to the drawing board there.

Thanks once again for taking a look at it for me.

Thanks

-Colly

Well, this story is about as close to submission worthy as I am going to get it.

I wish to thank KM so much for putting it up for me. I don't think I would have submitted it without the comments I got here in the SDC.

I want to thank everyone who commented on it. I know it is bloody well long and I really appreciate your time in looking at it.

I don't expect this one to score quite as well as my others given the length and subject matter, but I do appreciate the courage you have all given me to post something that is an experiment for me. The freedom to go different places with my writing is hard fought for me due to a lot of personal issues and qualms about my talent and ability. The fact that it was reviewed by some of the people I respect most and didn't draw a firestorm of critisim really gave me a boost.

-Colly

This message contains feedback for: Colleen Thomas
About the submission: Cold Reception
This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

This was excellent. I have NEVER commented on a Literotica story before..But I felt compelled. You have a way with words. I hate that the story came to an end. Thank your editors and your talent.

*DO NOT hit the REPLY button to respond to this email.*


Thats a thanks to all of you who took the time to give me some help or even just your comments. One from a reader and another from me

-Colly

Colleen:
As a newcomer to Literotica -- but an experienced writer and editor -- I'll pass along a thought that might help you avoid some of the errors your kind critics have pointed out.

Discipline your third-person narrator. Decide at the beginning what kind of power he/she is going to wield. New writers tend to let the third-person narrator run amok -- editorializing, poking into different characters' thoughts and feelings, going off on tangents. This inevitably leads to wordiness and loose writing and robs the characters of much of their -- character.

You do fairly well at keeping the narrator's perspective to that of the main character, but you do let him/her go off on some tangents. You allow him/her too many adjectives and adverbs and run-on sentences.

Muzzling your narrator forces you to provide more of the story through the actions and words of your characters. That always makes them better characters and you a better writer.

Think of the point at which she is standing over the wounded young Nazi:

She pressed the muzzle to his temple.
"I am sorry for what they did to you, too."
She pulled the trigger.

A bit of dialogue and action like that could often impart as much meaning to the reader as paragraphs of narrative.