BDSM and Your Life - Level of Importance

Living BDSM.

i know the term "living" is completely wide open to interpretation. i guess what i am thinking about is where BDSM fits into our lives.

For me ... well, lets just say that isn't open to discussion. Sorry.

That does not mean it isn't something that i don't think about on a daily basis. It colors my world view and currently, BDSM is intricate to my personal happiness. It just is.

That aside, i know there are people within this community who "live" BDSM according to what is acceptable/do-able in their lives. For example:

1. Some of us practice BDSM activities in the bedroom only. i think the term is "bedroom bondage."

2. Some of us practice BDSM activities in our daily lives outside of the bedroom and do not incorporate sexual activities at all.

3. Some of us live it daily - it permeates a majority of our lives and includes BDSM activities inside/outside the bedroom.

4. Some of us practice BDSM solely on-line (yeah, yeah i know the arguments about cyber vs. r/l so please move past this in order to get to the topic at hand).

i could continue, but i think most get the gist.

i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

As always, thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

Hi lara,

I do 'get' the gist of what you're asking and may respond in due course, but I do have a problem with 'lifestyle' and 'bdsm lifestyle'
Perhaps my problem will be clearer, if I apply your approach to heterosexuality, by modifying your paragraph/questions as below.

[lara's paragraph, altered]
i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the heterosexual lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of heterosexuality into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these (heterosexual) activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Best,
J.

PS. Try the same exercise with say, 'lesbianism'.

Although I'm new to the BDSM lifestyle, I find it affecting my life in more ways as time passes. It seems that the more I learn and do, the more difficult it becomes to distinguish the "BDSM lifestyle" and my "lifestyle". I'm convinced that one day the two will converge and my lifestyle will be a BDSM lifestyle. 24/7.

s'lara said:

Living BDSM.

i know the term "living" is completely wide open to interpretation. i guess what i am thinking about is where BDSM fits into our lives.

For me ... well, lets just say that isn't open to discussion. Sorry.

That does not mean it isn't something that i don't think about on a daily basis. It colors my world view and currently, BDSM is intricate to my personal happiness. It just is.

That aside, i know there are people within this community who "live" BDSM according to what is acceptable/do-able in their lives. For example:

1. Some of us practice BDSM activities in the bedroom only. i think the term is "bedroom bondage."

2. Some of us practice BDSM activities in our daily lives outside of the bedroom and do not incorporate sexual activities at all.

3. Some of us live it daily - it permeates a majority of our lives and includes BDSM activities inside/outside the bedroom.

4. Some of us practice BDSM solely on-line (yeah, yeah i know the arguments about cyber vs. r/l so please move past this in order to get to the topic at hand).

i could continue, but i think most get the gist.

i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

As always, thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

Click to expand...

Ignoring the changes made by Pure because they do not pertain to me... since I am not het...

I do not live a 24/7 lifestyle... but most everything I do is color by the D/s in my life... There is not a time when I am not submissive to Himself...

There are many facets to our lifestyle... but it is not just contained to the bedroom... I need more than that... I need the mental aspect of our relationship as much as the physical... that goes way beyond "bedroom bondage".

I have contact with Himself on a daily basis... Most days there will be some orders that He gives me... some tasks to accomplish... a time line to fulfill... I want and need things that way... and so does He I think...

Pure said:

Hi lara,

I do 'get' the gist of what you're asking and may respond in due course, but I do have a problem with 'lifestyle' and 'bdsm lifestyle'
Perhaps my problem will be clearer, if I apply your approach to heterosexuality, by modifying your paragraph/questions as below.

[lara's paragraph, altered]
i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the heterosexual lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of heterosexuality into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these (heterosexual) activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Best,
J.

PS. Try the same exercise with say, 'lesbianism'.

Click to expand...

Nice hijack.

It didn't require a PhD's philosophical derailing for me to get the gist of what she asked. If you and others wish to answer your bastardization of the original so be it. i'll try the hand dealt ...

What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle?

Click to expand...

i won't blink again.

Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance?

Click to expand...

Hard to hide what i am at the best of times, but i do try. Regardless, some of what i am slips through the eyes.

Are you content to confine it to your bedroom?

Click to expand...

Newp.

Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Click to expand...

i exercise a dominant nature when i feel it worthy of my effort. If i'm wrong so be it.

AA said,

//Nice hijack.

It didn't require a PhD's philosophical derailing for me to get the gist of what she asked. If you and others wish to answer your bastardization of the original so be it. i'll try the hand dealt ...
//

It was not intended that anyone answer the 'revised' (bastardized) version. Hence there was no intended hijack.
The exercize was to show the problems of the concept 'bdsm lifestyle'. I don't think a sexual leaning is a lifestyle; nor its practice (preferred method of gratification). There is, imo, no 'gay lifestyle', despite the sitcoms, media talk, and some advocacy of it by some gay people, themselves.

We might be able to talk of 'bdsm activity' but that's pretty broad, from handcuffs to hanging. But the problem is that, with a list of activities, it's hard to ask: do they infuse your life? Meaning what? do you do them all the time? do you think about them all the time? do you spend a good chunk of each day writing about them? do you advocate in the community for acceptance of them?

Of course, when something's forbidden or oppressed, people inclined to it may think about it all the time; e.g., if one's gay, and in danger of being exposed no matter how discreet, with the penalities being years in prison. In that case the suffusion/infusion of 'gayness' into every waking thought is understandable and maybe protective, if unhealthy. The same holds for bdsm, imho.

These are my aberrant opinions only, and I hoping the flow of responses is good.

Best to you, as always, lara,

J.

These are some questions I have been asking myself, s'lara.

I think the first priority is to find a woman with whom I feel compatible and share a good chemistry. I have noticed that historically most of my close relationships have had a clear and strong BDSM component. But the BDSM comes second to having a good relationship. Although it is difficult to imagine, it is still hypothetically possible for me to end up marrying a vanilla woman if we clicked in every other way.

Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Yes, historically I have been okay with that. My life is conventional in many aspects and I have no need to shock the squares. I guess it is bedroom bondage for me. I am not scared or shy, but there is just no need for me to announce myself to others. Several ex-girlfriends have told me they could tell I was the dominant sort when they met me. I did not need t-shirts or emblems to announce myself.

Hmmm....this is sort of a crap answer, but oh well I will hit submit anyway. Hard time expressing myself right now.

Whenever I am with Sir, I am completely in "submissive" mode, even when we are in a vanilla setting or around my kids, the D/s dynamic just IS who we are. Right now, that occurs about 2-3 days a week.

When his job calls him back to his place an hour away, the D/s is less obvious in my life. Though my personality doesn't suddenly undergo some kind of radical change, I don't submit to anyone but Sir, whether it's sexually or just in day-to-day interactions. However, his guidance and how he wants me to act are still there in the background influencing my thoughts and actions.

- justina

When I'm with Daddy, it's 24/7 D/s and the sex is very BDSM. We do have intelligent two-sided conversations - what I mean by that is I don't always defer to Daddy's opinion, as Daddy finds it more interesting that way. I'm allowed to give my opinion on things like which restaurant we go to for dinner, and I get to pick my entrée (sometimes I wish Daddy would do that for me!), but it's still a D/s feeling. We probably look "normal" to other people, though.

The majority of my time, though, is spent living with my girlfriend. We do not have a D/s relationship, and although I got a spanking last night we don't really incorporate it into much of our sex.

So where is BDSM in level of importance for me? It's extremely important, and I would very much like to have a 24/7/365 relationship like that. And yet I don't need it enough to want to leave the woman I've loved for more than five years.

Does that make any sense at all?

Re: Re: BDSM and Your Life - Level of Importance

cellis said:

Ignoring the changes made by Pure because they do not pertain to me... since I am not het...

I do not live a 24/7 lifestyle... but most everything I do is color by the D/s in my life... There is not a time when I am not submissive to Himself...

There are many facets to our lifestyle... but it is not just contained to the bedroom... I need more than that... I need the mental aspect of our relationship as much as the physical... that goes way beyond "bedroom bondage".

I have contact with Himself on a daily basis... Most days there will be some orders that He gives me... some tasks to accomplish... a time line to fulfill... I want and need things that way... and so does He I think...

Click to expand...

Well, cellis, you just answered for me better than I could myself. Thanks babe.

Re: Re: Re: BDSM and Your Life - Level of Importance

Desdemona said:

Well, cellis, you just answered for me better than I could myself. Thanks babe.

Click to expand...

My pleasure, Des!






By the way, it is good to see you so happy!

For me. i don't think i would be happy without it. It is a fundamental part of who i am and even if i wanted to go back to a vanilla relationship i don't think at this point i could. I am hoping very soon for a 24/7 relationship with Him and long for it like nothing else. It goes beyond the bedroom, and into our everyday lives even though we cannot be together 24/7 as of yet. The feeling of having Him intrinsically entwined in everything i do excites me and makes me look forward to the future. For me i could have it no other way. I am His and its exactly where i want to be.....and that is for always no matter the place or time.

s'lara said:

Living BDSM.

i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Click to expand...

Interesting thread Lara. I like the word you used at the end there, "self-signature"--because I'd have to say that my submission does define me to that extent that in MY mind I think of myself as "anelize the submissive." D/s is such an important aspect of my daily life, that without it, I feel lost, rudderless, and adrift. It is one of the things that centers me, and as you said above, provides "balance." While we are in a LDR at the moment, we do talk morning and evening, and see each other fairly often; there is no lack of a D/s relationship.

I would never call what we have "bedroom bondage." It extends far beyond that, and always has. My submission is about service. Many times that service takes place outside the bedroom, and is not limited to the usual sexual and SM activities. There's alot more to service than just those things. I am most happy when I am serving Him. That's just the way it is. Unchangeable.

~anelize

Our life looks very conventional and normal with intermittent spurts of SM. Last night we watched Autofocus and went to sleep, side by side, without him tied down.

I hold the ace card though. At any time I *could* force an issue. Because.

That's how I like it. More play, less work, unlimited power, yup.

Our bdsm wafts through the house like the scent of rain aftera good storm. It's always there; always simmering under the surface. Having lived this way, I doubt I could ever go back.

this is a really hard topic for me to answer.

I don't really consider my relationship with my BF to be 24/7. I don't feel like I'm submitting to him all the time, but at the same time I think I do.

I think it would be easier to define my submission as topical. When it comes to money matters, job matters, and things like this I don't think there is any D/s involved. When we argue you'd surely not know I was submissive in the bedroom or anywhere else.

He doesn't lay out clothing for me to wear daily, but my wardrobe is all pretty much pre-approved by him. He does order for me in resturants, but he knows what I like, what I eat and doesn't force things on me that he knows I wouldn't like.

He likes to cook and does so quite often, I do the cleaning. He'll sometimes (tho not as often as I'd wish) do the laundry, but he'll never fold.

maturbation, orgasms and the like are never allowed without permission. If friends are over (rare since we moved) i am the happy hostess. He doesn't use "dirty" words, just tells me to bring this or that.

Not sure what other examples I could give, hope this kind of explains things.

edit:

I never actually answered the question of how important it is.

I'd rate it as highly important. I couldn't imagine living any other way and surely don't want to try.

s'lara said:

Living BDSM.

i could continue, but i think most get the gist.

i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

As always, thanks in advance for the comments.

lara

Click to expand...

Since i am more interested in S/m aspect than the D/s, it is rather easy for me to say that i do Not require a daily dose of submissiveness to feel balanced. I have a few great playmates who provide the pain i crave but other than that it really is not about submission for me. However, if i were to ever find some one to give me the love and support i need, mayhap it would become a bigger aspect...
who knows
later
pet

Our bdsm wafts through the house like the scent of rain after a good storm.

Click to expand...

A hell of a quote, D's mariposa...

As for myself, I consider myself an outcast here... I have a perfect vanilla marriage and besides that I have started an online BDSM life (with her consent)... a lot of people her won't understand this, but for me (and lots of others, I have learned) it works... it has filled the gaps in my existence, brought an 'edge' to my life and made me a more balanced person, also in my marital life.... it's pretty much 24/7 I think...

talking about level of importance: it's a life saver...

Pure said:

Hi lara,

I do 'get' the gist of what you're asking and may respond in due course, but I do have a problem with 'lifestyle' and 'bdsm lifestyle'
Perhaps my problem will be clearer, if I apply your approach to heterosexuality, by modifying your paragraph/questions as below.

[lara's paragraph, altered]
i guess what i am wondering is this - What level of importance do you place on the heterosexual lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of heterosexuality into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these (heterosexual) activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Best,
J.

PS. Try the same exercise with say, 'lesbianism'.

Click to expand...

Hi Pure,

i do understand what you mean in regard to applying the term "lifestyle" to sexual leanings or predilections. However, you know, as i do, that enjoying BDSM does not mean that sexual activity is necessary nor does it have to be governed by base sexual preferences (although more often than not this is exactly the case). I wouldn’t dare venture to say that “BDSM is just a sexual leaning and isn’t about anything else except the kinky sex.” There are those of us who are in it for the service, or just for the pain and so on and so on - the list goes on. Hence, my example at #2.

i do agree with you in that being a part of BDSM shouldn’t necessarily constitute a lifestyle – or a way of living that is no different from lesbianism or heterosexuality. i imagine should i be lucky enough to become an "active" 24/7 masosub, i would likely not think of my life in terms of a "lifestyle." Rather, it would be just be my daily existence thereby negating the concept of a BDSM lifestyle, and making it just my life.

Is it a separatist mindset to use the term "lifestyle?" Maybe. It is no different from the use of the term "vanilla" or "kink" or any other colorful (yet divisive) terms applied to sexual preferences. My use of it wasn't meant to be exclusive; rather it is what i am accustomed to saying. As i don't believe BDSM to be just about the kinky sex or solely about sex period, its varying practices don't quite fit the comparison you thoughtfully supplied. However, i do see your point and it was a good one. Thanks for the food for thought.

However, back to the topic at hand. i look forward to your opinion on how important BDSM is to you and your life (hey, I said life and not lifestyle ) and what level of priority you place it in your chart of Pure-happiness.

lara

(Edited to add)

Best to you as well Pure. A thread should provoke thinking in its posters as well as its author.

AA - Thank you for replying to the content and not the terms.

Re: Re: BDSM and Your Life - Level of Importance

Mr Blonde said:

These are some questions I have been asking myself, s'lara.

I think the first priority is to find a woman with whom I feel compatible and share a good chemistry. I have noticed that historically most of my close relationships have had a clear and strong BDSM component. But the BDSM comes second to having a good relationship. Although it is difficult to imagine, it is still hypothetically possible for me to end up marrying a vanilla woman if we clicked in every other way.

Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Yes, historically I have been okay with that. My life is conventional in many aspects and I have no need to shock the squares. I guess it is bedroom bondage for me. I am not scared or shy, but there is just no need for me to announce myself to others. Several ex-girlfriends have told me they could tell I was the dominant sort when they met me. I did not need t-shirts or emblems to announce myself.

Hmmm....this is sort of a crap answer, but oh well I will hit submit anyway. Hard time expressing myself right now.

Click to expand...

This wasn't a crap answer. Merely an answer that best defined what you felt at the time. Seemed clear to me and thanks for your candor.

lara

Etoile said:

When I'm with Daddy, it's 24/7 D/s and the sex is very BDSM. We do have intelligent two-sided conversations - what I mean by that is I don't always defer to Daddy's opinion, as Daddy finds it more interesting that way. I'm allowed to give my opinion on things like which restaurant we go to for dinner, and I get to pick my entrée (sometimes I wish Daddy would do that for me!), but it's still a D/s feeling. We probably look "normal" to other people, though.

The majority of my time, though, is spent living with my girlfriend. We do not have a D/s relationship, and although I got a spanking last night we don't really incorporate it into much of our sex.

So where is BDSM in level of importance for me? It's extremely important, and I would very much like to have a 24/7/365 relationship like that. And yet I don't need it enough to want to leave the woman I've loved for more than five years.

Does that make any sense at all?

Click to expand...

Made sense to me. What i gathered from your response is you need the D/s but it hasn't gained all encompassing importance over the woman you love. Then again, you do have the best of both worlds right now and i guess the need for the D/s would be greater if you didn't have your Daddy. Might put a different spin on things.

lara

lara

s'lara said:

... AA - Thank you for replying to the content and not the terms.

Click to expand...

You're quite welcome.

i believe you've said before; my terms, not yours; fuck the semantics.

If more people looked ... well, i'll hold that one to myself.

s'lara said:

What level of importance do you place on the lifestyle? Do you require a constant infusement of BDSM into your daily life in order to find balance? Are you content to confine it to your bedroom? Or are these activities vital to who you are and how you define yourself? (Read: Defines you as a person - a self signature really).

Click to expand...

I don't "live the lifestyle" but I certainly think about and/or talk about D/s in some form each day. For me, D/s is purely sexual, but then I am a very highly sexed person, so it does impact.

I struggled for some time with how to include it, since I am in a non-D/s relationship with someone I love very much. We seem to have struck a workable middle-ground with occasional threesomes with a submissive woman.

I wouldn't use the word "need" about myself and BDSM. I enjoy it, and it's going to be a part of any relationship I'm in (unless I meet the perfect girl, but if she's perfect she'll love getting spanked right?)

For the most part it is limited to the bedroom for me, at least at first, it does tend to seep out.

This seems a great thread topic and hopefully I will be back when I get more than a moment..and a faster connection might help

Catalina