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Meeting People into BDSM

Clamped Nips

Clamped Nips

Really Experienced
Joined
Mar 15, 2003
Posts
124
Ok this is my first time starting a thread, so i hope I am posting to the right place.

I wanted to know if there were any subs out there who were willing to share how they got into their first r/l BDSM relationships. I am fairly new to the lifestyle and have been experimenting online for a year. While I enjoy it very much I would like to try things r/l.

I know there are personals and all that but i fear meeting an abusive dom. I feel rather isolated since I don't know anyone who shares my sexual interests (again I just don't know where to begin) so I am hoping you will be kind enough to help out.

I appologize for being so nieve (sp) and also if I have posted to the wrong forum.

Thanks,
CN
 
what i did...

Hi. Good thread. I myself started studying the lifestyle online last year. While I did a lot of research, I didn't have or start an online relationship except with people as friends.

I have always known that if I were to proceed with bdsm that for *me* it would have to be in real life. After looking at several local alternative ads in my city, I decided to post a profile at an alternative online site. My profile specified my seriousness, my novice level and my requirement of a real monogomas relationship in conjunction with bdsm. I received well over 100 responses from men in my area. Needless to say I became very adapt at weeding them out, mostly thanks to the excellent advice of this community here online on lit and a few other real life boards.

I had several dates with several men in the vain of BDSM but on a vanilla level first. Use caution and safety, take your time and never be rushed. Meeting *anyone* takes time.

For me, it's been a process but one that's turning out EXTREMLY well. Good luck!
 
I met Himself at alt.com... I have been open about this from the beginning...
 
CN nice to see you. I met Snooze Sir, in one of the Lit chat rooms. That was quite some time ago. Fall of 2001.

We did take it slowly and did follow the safe call rules if you will and all. Check the threads here for all the suggestions as to safe ways to meet.

He and I moved from chatroom, to voice chat to the phone, to seeing each other when we can. The geographical challenge is a pain.

Just remember, if something seems wrong it is. Listen to yourself.

Good luck on your journey. :rose:
 
Master and I met online through advertising. Initially though I explored myself and needs with an online Master who became my best friend and mentor, and remains a good friend. He guided me, played devil's advocate often, was open and honest, and told me when he felt it was time for me to progress to real life. During the beginning of that process he had a lot of input but time became a problem later on, but always he was there to discuss and run things by, and give me the valuable moral support which helped me stay focused when disillusionment threatened to settle in. Another good thread on this is the one Inner Darkness has currently running, 'Going from online to in the flesh'
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=180743

Catalina
 
I, too, started out online, eventually got the courage to meet a couple of dominants from online in real life, always a completely vanilla date in a public place first.

But nothing really "clicked" or gave me peace of mind about the whole bdsm thing until I went to a local "munch" type gathering. Even though I am in a rural area, by searching online and asking fairly local men I met online, I did find a munch in a small city about an hour away. That is where I met Sir, we eventually swapped e-mails, and now have been together going on 1 year. For me, there is nothing like face-to-face meeting for being able to tell what someone is like and whether there is a "spark".


- justina
 
Justina123 said:
I, too, started out online, eventually got the courage to meet a couple of dominants from online in real life, always a completely vanilla date in a public place first.

But nothing really "clicked" or gave me peace of mind about the whole bdsm thing until I went to a local "munch" type gathering. Even though I am in a rural area, by searching online and asking fairly local men I met online, I did find a munch in a small city about an hour away. That is where I met Sir, we eventually swapped e-mails, and now have been together going on 1 year. For me, there is nothing like face-to-face meeting for being able to tell what someone is like and whether there is a "spark".


- justina
Click to expand...

I went to a munch too, when I lived in the pacific northwest. I highly recommend them.

<edited to make sense>
 
Last edited:
Clamped Nips said:
Ok this is my first time starting a thread, so i hope I am posting to the right place.

I wanted to know if there were any subs out there who were willing to share how they got into their first r/l BDSM relationships. I am fairly new to the lifestyle and have been experimenting online for a year. While I enjoy it very much I would like to try things r/l.

I know there are personals and all that but i fear meeting an abusive dom. I feel rather isolated since I don't know anyone who shares my sexual interests (again I just don't know where to begin) so I am hoping you will be kind enough to help out.

I appologize for being so nieve (sp) and also if I have posted to the wrong forum.

Thanks,
CN
Click to expand...

My first piece of advice is to avoid that Johnny Mayberry guy at all costs!!
 
My first r/l experience was with a man who I simply explored with. I didn't know (not sure if he did, either) that what we were doing had a name and that there were others into the same thing.

When I did learn that there was such a thing as BDSM (about 10 years after that relationship ended), I began doing a lot of research. Books, internet articles, talking to people. I did engage in one online D/s thing, but it lacked any true seriousness on both our parts. (I live in California, he lived in the UK) I did have ads placed on both alt.com and bondage.com and met potential Doms from each site. After a couple of years of research and meeting people, I came to the conclusion that I am a part time kinkster and could not do BDSM full time or even most of the time.

My suggestion would be to learn as much as you can before getting invovled with some one. Also, there are chat rooms (yes, I know, they get a bad rap sometimes, but some are okay) where you can go and "meet" others and ask questions. Once you are armed with information, meeting some one in real time isn't all that intimidating.
 
Oh, I would add that you don't have to make a commitment to anyone online. You are within your rights to meet someone for a nilla date first, and even 3-4 times before you scene with them. Even then, you don't have to 'belong' to anyone, at any point, if you are not comfortable with it.


And, of course, you can always ask for references.
 
I sometimes make equipment for some of the higher end, private dungeons here in NYC, so I know several people in that community. What exactly are you interested in finding? Do you want to start by looking around some of the more mild clubs that are open to the general public? They are really pretty safe. Are you looking for an intense interpersonal experience with a single dominant partner? For that you need to move around at some parties that are thrown for lifestyle enthusiasts & find the right person. There are several gatherings here in the neighborhood. I can get you an invite to one when you are ready. This town has everything that you could possibly want & then some. Give me some more details on what your expectations are & I will try to point you in the right direction.
 
Thank you all for your tips and advice.

EVG-I am looking to start slowly, with one person. I think I really need to explore some things to see what I like (it is one thing to do things to yourself, quite another to have someone do them to you). Thank you for the offer of an invite, I'll have to think about it, because the thought of meeting a bunch of people all at once is while nice (finally not haveing to feel alone), at the same time i find it terrifing. I'll give it some serious thought though.
 
Im new to this but feel meeting strangers would put the sub in thr most dangerous position of the two.

I would like to however have dialogue with members on the site and about the bdsm lifestyle, fetish clothing and strong women.

Talk and the world talks with you, wank and you wank alone.:nana:
 
My first experiences were to seek out r/l groups. Eventually I joined several, attended munches and meetings regularly, became involved in play parties and demos after that.

I am going to post a link ( no, it isn't promoting another site for the purpose of drawing people away ) but it will provide information on R/L groups across the USA.

http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html

Happy searching on your Journey..
 
I met Snooze here at Lit. We were friends for quite a while before we moved into a D/s relationship.
 
Meeting subs

I had a profile on Alt.com for a while, and that is how I met sissy. I prefer subs to contact me by email, politely asking to chat with Me.

I have met my current boys through Bondage.com.

Both websites have been helpful. I had one sub on Lit, but for the most part, I like the responses I get from Bondage.com.

Sometimes I get subs who have read my Yahoo profile. But not often.

I have found that meeting someone first online is not more dangerous than meeting in other situations. When you first meet someone in any circumstance, you do not know them, and it is up to you to find out what you need to know to get to know them better.

I always stress that I am looking for serious submissives for a long term relationship, and/or 24/7. I also tell them that I take My time, and so should they. I inform them that I do not dominate online, by phone, or webcam. If they want to be dominated by Me, we must meet in real life.
 
Ally_boy said:
Im new to this but feel meeting strangers would put the sub in thr most dangerous position of the two.

I would like to however have dialogue with members on the site and about the bdsm lifestyle, fetish clothing and strong women.

Talk and the world talks with you, wank and you wank alone.:nana:
Click to expand...

Meeting someone online is no more dangerous than meeting someone you do not know in real life. The problem is that sometimes Dom/mes and subs do not take the time to know someone in their zeal to "play". When meeting anyone, it is wise to take safeguards. Even if you meet them in church.
 
You all have been very helpful. I have been doing quite a bit of self analysis recently and have found that I am masochistic (damn I wish I could spell) and not so much submissive, I have a feeling this is going to be much harder to explore IRL. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
CN
 
To start: never question me

That's pretty open question.

When you first go out into the big bad world of realife you don't have tell a potential mate exactly what you are into. Say you're feeling it out. Which you should be really.

Depending on how open minded your friends are talk with them about it. You never know who might be into it. Plus you'll hopefully get emotional support, someone to safecall, and someone who will add a different cautious perspective.

Make sure you are very familar with whomever you end up with before you scene. Meet them for lunch. Ask to meet people who know them. If you know someone into the scene you trust ask them to meet them too.

Read here. Often. Ask questions and don't worry about sounding stupid. Be careful.
 
Okay, you've gotten tons of great of advice so far but let me offer a different perspective.

If you can get normal dates, start a typical relationship with a guy who seems sane and trustworthy. Once you get to know him, ask him if he'd like to spank you or flog you. See how it goes. Even if he doesn't end up being your first "real true" dominant, you get some experience and sort out your preferences.

Everyone has their first time. I was 18 years old watching "Basic Instinct" with my girlfriend. There was that scene where Michael Douglas tears the clothes off the psychologist and fucks her over the couch. I put my hand between my girlfriend's legs and she groaned....that was when I knew we could explore it all together. I was her first dominant and she was my first submissive.

Full respect to people who use internet and personal ads, I am just giving the perspective that you can also find what you want from dating the general population.
 
Mr Blonde said:


Full respect to people who use internet and personal ads, I am just giving the perspective that you can also find what you want from dating the general population.
Click to expand...

'Tis true, but the odds are often against it and if you are serious about what you wnat and where you want to be, why hang in the old playground looking for what you haven't found there before when you know there is another ballpark where all yours dreams and questions can be answered. Just my opinion, and based on my own experience of not wanting to waste any more precious time so going to where I knew I had a chance of finding what I sought. :)

Catalina
 
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