Mis-matched Sex Drives

This topic has been touched on here, and lots of advice given to individuals, but I thought I would bring it up on a level where it really doesn't apply to any particular couple. That way no one gets hurt and maybe people can learn something. Hopefully? Maybe? Okay, I'll give it a shot.

Now, just as an example: my partner and I have somewhat mis-matched sex drives. This is more due to age than anything else. He's 50 and he just doesn't have the desire to have sex every day. It seems that 3 times a week is about his limit. For that fourth time, he can get hard, but orgasming is a whole 'nother issue! I'm 43, and while I think my "sex every single day" period is behind me, I could go more than 3x a week. However, this man makes me happy in other, more important ways, and it just hasn't been an issue for me to align my sex drive to his.

Now, what I see here a lot are people who married some one only to discover that the sex drives were mis-matched. Honestly, what is one to do? I can sit down and talk to my partner if I felt bad about it, but I understand that all of it has to do with age and there isn't anything he can do about it. He still likes to cuddle and be affectionate, but the sex drive just ain't the same. Talking, communicating, sexy lingerie, porno flicks, and counseling is not going to change that. It's a fact. I could ask him to take viagra, but I'm simply uncomfortable with that. I am the one with the decision to make - stay or go. (Granted, we are not married, so a lot of the major considerations that others who are married don't apply.)

I've seen people state that the partner with the higher sex drive should "convince" the other partner they are "ruining" the relationship. But is that really true? Or I've seen where it's been suggested a partner go outside the relationship to get nooky. But is that really fair to the other partner? Communication is great and wonderful, but if some one is built the way they are, how can one expect them to change? And why would you? You accepted them "as is" when you committed to the relationship - why change them now? And if you are a spouse who has been approached by your partner and told your low sex drive is ruining the relationship, wouldn't that possibly cause low self-esteem in other areas, as well as sex?

Just trying to sort out some amatuer ideas on a topic that comes up here very frequently. Hopefully, we can all offer thoughts that can help each other?

I've been in this situation, and yes it's damn frustrating. Why does it happen? Any number of reasons. The hardest to address, I think, is a partner who is just not wired for sex. I suspect that this explanation is rarely the root cause, however. (If it is, I'm not sure much of anything can be done about it.)

Some of the easiest blocks to address are physical. Is your partner getting enough sleep? Healthy diet? Exercise? What about any medications? Age-related factors arise here also. Talk to you health care provider before trying any major changes.

In my case, I think part of the issue had to do with experience. I was in my first sexual relationship, but it was the third for her. To me, everything below the waist was new, exciting territory and I wanted sex all the time to explore! For her, that initial thrill had passed. Talking about it helped some, but ultimately wasn't enough.

Psychological factors can play in also. Is your partner still recovering from a previous bad experience? (Or several?) They might night be open to discussing it, so proceed with caution. It could also be feelings of guilt or shame based on their social or religious background. Creating a safe, comfortable, and supportive environment is very important to overcoming that kind of challenge.

And sadly, in some cases, it may be you. Your partner might not tell you, which makes this cause hard to assess. If you're lucky, the issue is technique. That's easy to fix-- ask what s/he likes and be attentive. Sometimes though, they may like or love you as a person or a friend but just plain not be interested in you sexually. This reason is the hardest on the ego. (I'm convinced that's a big part of what happened to me.) At that point, you know that virtually any sex you're getting is sympathy sex. Are you willing to stay in a relationship that is largely asexual? Be sure you reflect seriously on that issue.

Unbalanced sexual desire sucks, and I'm honestly not sure for whom it sucks more. Either you're constantly horny and frustrated at not getting any, or you're not horny and frustrated at being constantly pressured for sex. Regardless of your libido, determining sexual compatibility with your partner is critical to a happy, healthy realtionship.

And for the record, my current gf and I are EXTREMELY sexually compatible! The only reason we're not having sex as much as we both want is distance. (I love ya, babe!)

Thank you both for respond. And yes, PO, your responce is just as relevant here.

There are a lot of factors that could cause a low sex drive, yes. Age, stress (job related, financial, children/family), fatigue, medication, just to name a few. I know there were times when I was under a good deal of stress due to a physical disability, and sex was the last thing on my mind! I think most partners can see these things and work around them.

Yet, there are people who just don't seem to need or want sex as often as their partners do. And I was wondering later today: can the partner whose sex drive is lower state that the partner with the higher sex drive is ruining the relationship because of stress and/or demands for sex? I can see that becoming a frustrating situation in both respects.

For me and Mr K, this has been an issue for some time.

He has recently acknowledged that he fears he is clinically depressed. He takes little pleasure in almost everything at times, including but not limited to sex. But, he has been afraid of admitting the depths of his negative feelings because he fears if he goes to a doctor, they will just load him up on pharmaceuticals and he doesn't want that.

We get in this cycle - I want sex, he doesn't. He does it because I want to do it, which doesn't exactly make me feel great (how am I supposed to enjoy THAT?) and then we both feel like crap. Then he feels even more like a failure because he has made me feel bad. and so on and so forth.

So, we're exploring our options with regard to what kind of treatment might be best for him, and maybe someday we'll be on the same sexual wavelength, or at least close to it.

This is a very interesting thread. Any other thread I have seen on the topic tend to be litttle the partner who wants less sex, and tries to "fix" them. It kind of sheds a new light on my on going battle with my husband. We have VERY different sex drives. I want it, he doesn't. I have tried countless times and ideas to try spark him but to no avail. I have recently come to the conclusion that it will never change I just have to get used to it I guess. But, like I said this thread gives me a new perspective on it. I used to think HE was the one who needed to change, but I guess maybe it's not fair of me. I am not really sure how I feel about it. BUT, one thing that I think is unfair with him not wanting sex, is that he does look at porn everyday and jerks off. Now, it would be one thing if he was uninterested in sex all together, but he obviously has some sex drive, he just chooses to masturbate rather then have sex with me. I just wish we could at least find a happy medium, rather then me being unsatisfied and frustrated and him feeling inadequate

I feel you on this, my sex drive is currently through the roof, I want it at least once every day, when my wife could probably go for months at a time without sex. Its frustrating to be in that situation, and with the communication issues we have it doesn't help anything, all I have to say is to the couples out there who have matching sex drives, enjoy it while you can.

I think I mentioned before, this is a GREAT reason for non-monogamy

Adding sexual outlets puts less pressure on the relationship as long as it has a secure base

I feel that I can respond to this thread from the perspective of how not to handle this problem. At the present time, I am going through a divorce after over 20 years of marriage. My husband's sex drive dwindled due to many factors. He was diagnosed with depression, he had migraines for which he was taking many different medications and he was under a great deal of stress. Keep in mind that this was not the only problem in our marriage, there were other things going on as well. When I tried to talk about it to him, he wouldn't. And when he did finally talk about it, it was not his problem but my problem, and it was not about sex at all. I was unhappy and this was just an excuse to express my unhappiness. I needed Prozac and I needed hormone replacement therapy. Not a problem with him at all. I know this is a sensitive topic for men, but I did not tell him that I needed him to perform. I told him that we should talk about using toys as part of our sexual play, he was not interested in touching me at all. In frustration I found someone who could take care of my sexual needs, which I thought would allow me to treat my husband without the resentment that was building. That didn't work either, since my lover was so good and it ended up magnifying the problems with my sex life at home. We tried counseling, but again the focus was not on the fact that we weren't having sex, it was on what is wrong with me that I am diverting into this sexual issue.

There is an ironic twist to all of this. Since I left, my soon to be ex-husband has already started seeing one of our 'friends'. He tried having sex with her and could not perform at all, and now he is desperate because he has a problem. And yet, he doesn't see that his lack of desire was a forerunner to this problem that he's having now. And just the fact that he tried to have sex with her, after not touching me just burns my ass.

There is a god afterall............

I think the most important thing is to be sure to communicate with your partner early on when you start to notice the mis-matched sex drive. If it is external causes that are affecting things, then those can be dealt with together as a couple. If you don't talk about it, then how is it going to get fixed? You have to be comfortable talking about everything that is going on, and do so in a neutral setting (i.e., not the bedroom, not her place where she can't leave if she wants to, not in his car for the same reason, etc...) Also be careful as some of the issues being discussed may be embarrassing, scary, or uncomfortable for one or both of you. Just be sure it's a comfortable, open environment in which to talk.

DuckLover said:

And for the record, my current gf and I are EXTREMELY sexually compatible! The only reason we're not having sex as much as we both want is distance. (I love ya, babe!)

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I love you too!!! We'll be together soon! (And I'll be sure to warn the neighbors in case they want to reinforce the walls or take the children away for the weekend...I've got A LOT of sexual energy to be expended!!!)

Lets be a little more clinical here. Assume that person X and person Y are married a few years. No known health or mental problems for either of them. Then for no apparent reason, X starts to experience a greatly reduced sex drive. Lets also assume there are NO problems outside of the bedroom, ie finances, kids, jobs etc.

Previously both X & Y were comfortable and quite happy with sex 3-4 times a week. No raging hormones for our intrepid couple!

Now then, what should Y do? Obviously the first answer is to try to talk to X about it. Said conversation should not be in any way confrontational. And probably should not be held in the bedroom.

OK, talking fails. What are Y's choices? Y could;

1) take up masterbation a lot. (This could be a problem if X starts to harp on the fact)

2) go outside the marriage/relationship to get what Y wants (but that can lead to other, more serious problems).

What is Y feeling? Well since talking didn't solve the problem, I'd suspect Y is probably feeling more than a little neglected, and probably resentful. Y is also feeling like they are no longer attractive to thier partner.

Is the failure of X&Y to achieve a mutually acceptable solution via talking about a problem? Yes, any problem which a couple cannot resolve is a problem. It indicates a failure to communicate, one of the fundamental items needed for a sound and happy relationship.

Both parties need to realize that in a relationship, you have an obligation to see to the needs of your partner, within reason. It would be excessive for example, for Y to demand sex 5 times daily. And equally excessive for X to demand sex 5 times yearly.

Y is feeling ignored, and the failure to resolve the issue only magnifies that feeling. X is feeling pressured into doing something that now seems unreasonable to X, and the failure to resolve the issue only magnifies that feeling.

What the two need to do, assuming they are truely committed to each other, is to try to come to a solution that is mutually acceptable to both of them. Just because talking once or twice didn't resolve the issue, they need to keep at it. If they don't, then the negative feelings of both parties will only fester. If one or both of the partners starts to feel like its hopeless, then the relationship is going to fail.

What should Y do if X turns out to be not only obstinate, but reluctant to even admit there is a problem between them? Now we're getting into a real problem area. Something more fundamental than sex is wrong in the relationship.

In that case Y might end up angry and hurt because Y wants to try to resolve it and as far as X goes, its simply not a problem to resolve.

What happens to our intrepid couple as they reach this critical point? Y wants to fix the problem, X doesn't even think there is a problem. At that point things go to hell in a handbasket in a hurry.

Having gone through one marriage where the wife refused to thing there even was a problem, I can tell you where it ended. It ended with me sounding like a petulant child, and her like a screeching harpy, it ended with lawyers and messy accusations thrown back and forth. It ended with the bonus of a stress related health condition I'll spend the rest of my life dealing with it. It ended. PERIOD.

The moral of this little story is a simple one. If both partners respect each other enough to try to honestly work out something acceptable to both, then the relationship will be ok. If that can't happen, you might as well fold up the cards and call it a night.

I'm in a relationship where our sex-drives are mismatched. I could fuck every day, multiple times a day, and honey seems more content with once or a couple times a week. (I think a great deal of that had to do with a car accident we were in last September, but it only just occurred to me today). Anyway, he and I have always had an understanding that my sex drive is ridiculously high, and that his is somewhat lower than 'average', and so we've thought of ways to work things out. For the last while, I've had permission to play online and on the phone, and that worked for me. He pleased me as often as he liked, and was pleased in return, but when I craved some kind of fuck, I could go online or on the phone. He knew he couldn't handle my sex drive the way it was, and he was fine with it.

Recently, his sex drive has been climbing, and he's asked that I stop playing (which is bittersweet), and so I have. We are making love much more often lately, and it's a happy thing for me.

That he had the lower sex drive was never a point of low self-esteem for him (we've talked about this), but for ME, it was. Him not being interested in sex with me sometimes made me feel like he no longer thought I was beautiful. But that is me being overemotional, because I also knew he didn't masturbate (ever), so it's not like he wouldn't have sex with me, but would pleasure himself. It was an all-round thing.

So, now when I need release, I masturbate. I've always been an avid masturbator (since I discovered the joys, anyway), and I have my trusty little selection of toys to help me out on days when he's not interested, or to rev me up to pounce on him on days when he is.

When all else fails, take matters into your own hands, I say.




Okay, I'm done babbling now.

I think it is one thing if the disparity is there from the beginning. In that case, you know what you are getting yourself into. I have learned that most people's sex drive is hard-wired and does not change for the better.

In the past, I have been the one with the higher sex drive except in 1 relationship. I want sex 4-5 days a week and she was not happy if she didn't get it everyday. That was when I learned how the person with the lower sex drive feels. I wasn't in the mood to do it every day and I felt pressured to give her what she wanted. The nights that I didn't want sex, I started going down on her to get her off and that helped for a while, but even that became clinical.

Now when I get started in a relationship, I pay attention to the sex more. Sex is an important part of a relationship to me and I don't want to commit myself to a relationship where I know I will not be happy in a major aspect.

I think that the bigger problem is the person who changes over time and their sex drive lessens. I think most people have some insecurities that get exposed when this happens. You question if there is something wrong with you or maybe you think that there is someone else. In cases that I know of where there is no cheating going on, the person with the lowering sex drive usually will not admit to anything changing or they will make excuses without doing anything to correct the problem. This of course only makes matters worse.

Desire Phase Disorders

Frequency Dissatisfaction is a type of Desire Phase Disorder. The big problem is that, without communication, the problem can get way out of hand. One person wants sex, is rejected, feels unattractive, angry and resentful. The other person doesn't want sex, feels pressured, accused, resentful. These feelings can create emotional distance. They can create physical distance too if one person seeks to avoid being pressured to have sex and they start getting involved in other things or start going to bed early to keep from having that unpleasant experience of being asked for sex when they don't want sex.


First, you need to rule out another similar problem, Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSD). Hypoactive sexual desire is more serious because a person may just never or rarely feel sexual. There may be many reasons for HSD. Depression and the medication taken for depression, low testosterone (in either men or women), other medications, alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual aversion or fear of sex, etc.


If one person wants to have sex twice a week and really enjoys it and the other person wants to have sex five times a week, you simply have frequency dissatisfaction. First, establish the fact that you both care about each other and neither of you thinks that there is anything wrong with the other person. You have to clear away both resentment and guilt or it will become one person against the other. Both need to realize that it is okay to want sex when the other person doesn't and that there is no reason to feel rejected or rejecting, pressured or pressuring. In minor dissatisfaction cases, masturbation can fill the gap nicely and it is especially good if the other person encourages their partner to masturbate and enjoy their sexuality.

Some people also make dates for sex, plan the sex so they can look forward to it. For all our worship of spontaneity, often both people are not ready to be spontaneous at the same time. So, sex can be like a date, plan it, look forward to it, enjoy it and talk about it later. Sort of like a vacation too. Setting aside time for sex in a hectic world is showing respect for the sexual relationship. Always making it a hit or miss bedtime event that we don't actually know is going to happen can create apprehension and anxiety.

Include a lot of non sexual touching, massage and playfulness in your relationship. Exercise together. Exercise reduces stress and can lead to great sex afterwards.

Don't chalk it up to age. People can be highly sexual at any age.
I am 53 and not in a relationship. This past week, I masturbated every day. A phone or e-mail partner would have been nice, but my imagination worked pretty well. At my age, I also like to have "lazy" sex, mentally mindblowing but physically relaxing.
Lying in bed, sharing fantasies and masturbating together can be so intense and satisfying when athletic fucking and leaping around might be less appealing. I find holding a partner while she masturbates to be extremely satisfying. Using toys too can be fun.

The most important first step is to approach it like partners who are one the SAME team, not competing against one another. That mutual respect and caring can solve some of the problem right off the bat.

Good luck.

Dr. Steve

Wow - I think there is some great meeting of the minds here! I just wanted to thank you all for participating. I don't think I have a problem, but just from the comments I've read here I've got lots of information to think about for the future if I should find myself in this position.

Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm? Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a dea for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?

Just for the record, I am one of those people who will happily bring my partner to orgasm, but my own is of little concern to me. I don't always experience an orgasm with every sexual encounter, and I'm okay with that. I'm not sure how my current partner feels - it hasn't come up for discussion, yet. But I do know that past partners have become upset to the point where they refused to orgasm unless I did first. Needless to say, I felt pressured and the situation went down hill from there.

How says the crowd?

Great comments Steve! Thanks for posting! I fully agree that clear and open communication is the key to everything. Having a date with your partner for sex is a great idea. I would urge folks, though, to plan the sex as PART of a date. Too often in established relationships (especially marriages) partners become complacent. Even if you're married, you should still go on dates. Have fun, pay attention to your partner, fall in love all over again.

And as with any date, remember to be flexible. Dates in high school and college (and later) sometimes got cancelled or postponed for numerous reasons. So, too, can your sex dates get postponed. If your partner had an unexpectedly horrible day at school/work, don't pressure them with "Hey, we planned to have sex. So get naked already!" Be as supportive as possible (despite your disappointment) and reschedule. Sure it's possible a really reticent partner will have a "bad day" repeatedly, and that's harder to resolve. However, the emotional message of flexibility is very strong and will likely help improve the relationship and the situation. Good luck!

SexyChele said:

Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm? Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a deal for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?

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My two cents worth, I would be perfectly happy and content just spending time with my lover, with or without sex. If he wants to be brought to orgasm, or if he just wants to bring me to orgasm, doesn't matter, it's still time spent with each other. (I get so little time with him as it is that I love spending every minute together just being with each other...darn 500 miles we have between us...)

As long as we communicate our desires (or lack thereof) to each other, I'd be perfectly content with anything. If the communication disappears, then I'd start to worry.

peachykeen said:

For me and Mr K, this has been an issue for some time.

He has recently acknowledged that he fears he is clinically depressed. He takes little pleasure in almost everything at times, including but not limited to sex. But, he has been afraid of admitting the depths of his negative feelings because he fears if he goes to a doctor, they will just load him up on pharmaceuticals and he doesn't want that.
<SNIP>
So, we're exploring our options with regard to what kind of treatment might be best for him, and maybe someday we'll be on the same sexual wavelength, or at least close to it.

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You might want to considering seeing an osteopathic doctor. D.O.'s receive training VERY similar to M.D.'s and are recognized by most insurance providers. (In the US anyway.) The DO tends to take a more holistic view of medicine and often looks more deeply for root causes rather than symptom treatment.

Another step might be a naturopathic doctor. ND's go through a very different training program than MD's and OD's and are infrequently recognized by insurance providers. They do, however, take a very non-pharmaceutical approach to medicine.

Do some research, talk to friends and consult with whomever makes you most comfortable. Good luck!

SexyChele said:

<SNIP> Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm? Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a dea for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?<SNIP>
How says the crowd?

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My goal is her happiness and satisfaction, not her orgasm. If she would enjoy and feel satisfied by one (or a few dozen), I will stop at nothing to provide it/them. But there are definitely times when I would prefer to be fairly passive, to slowly, languidly enjoy being together. I greatly value being intimate, not just sexual (and there's a HUGE difference). So laying around together cuddling, kissing, caressing would be wonderful.

DuckLover said:

Do some research, talk to friends and consult with whomever makes you most comfortable. Good luck!

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Start your research at;

http://www.quackwatch.org

The only thing you'll get from one of those paths is a lighter pocketbook.

SexyChele said:

Now, here is another item I'd like to toss out for consideration. If you are a partner who has a higher sex drive would you find equal satisfaction in doing things such as cuddling, snuggling, kissing, perhaps touching, but no intercourse or orgasm? Also, would you feel fine if your partner brought you to orgasm (happily, not feeling an obligation to do so) but they were not interested in achieving orgasm? I know most people want their partners to orgasm - I mean, well, who really wouldn't? But if your partner tells you it's okay and not that big of a dea for them that night, but they are eager to bring you to orgasm, would you go with that and be happy? Or would you feel as though you've let your partner down or that your partner is somehow "lying" to you?

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As a short term solution I think this would work well. However I would strongly suggest that it would need to be re-examined if it started to look like it was becoming a permanent thing in the relationship.

Its just my opinion, but I'd start to worry about my mate if they wanted to do nothing but the above.